The Copy-Cat Conspiracy. Part 4 -- The Beta Board

[ Show ]

Support VoyForums

[ Shrink ]

VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, [4] ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 14:57:32 06/18/02 Tue
Author: Deedra
Subject: The Copy-Cat Conspiracy. Part 4
In reply to: Deedra 's message, "Need a Beta Reader.... The Copy-Cat Conspiracy." on 13:23:45 06/13/02 Thu

Part 4

Nikita climbs down the elevator shaft to the 29th level, and tries to open the door. She can't quite manage it, so she ascends to the 26 ths floor where the door is slightly open. She manages to open door and crawls in. Not Seeing the little golden blonde haired girl at first, Nikita stands up slowly. After taking a couple of steps, Nikita notices the little girl at the end of the hall. The little girl darts around the corner and Nikita pursues. Nikita rounds a couple of corners to find one of the top operatives lying on the floor. She stops to examine him. She checks him for a micro tag which she finds then covers it with his own hair so that no one can see it. Nikita looks up to see Davenport standing at the end of the hall. They stare for a moment while Nikita stands up. While Nikita is moving closer to Davenport, Nikita tells him that she can help him and the others.

"No one needs to get hurt. Just come back to operations with me and everything will be fine. "

Nikita stops when she sees Michael round the corner with a gun on Davenport. Nikita sighs with relief. Then Michael steps pass Davenport, and that famous expression of Epiphany floods Nikita's face. After a short altercation with a stun-gun, Davenport and Michael put Nikita in a room. Checking her for micro tags and removing them, they lock her in room. She was there for what seemed like hours before someone broght her sustenance. Over coming the servant, Nikita escapes back up the elevator shaft.

Michael sees Nikita's egress from the elevator shaft and over takes her. Michael throws Nikita to the floor and hobbling her.

"Michael, what are you doing. Let me up!"

"Just a minute, " he replies while flipping Nikita over on her stomach. Checking for a micro tag he put there earlier, he doesn't find it. He then stuns her and carries her limp body to the holding cell area. After laying her gently down, Michael drawes his thumb slowly over her right eyebrow then leaves to address more pressing issues with Paul in the infirmary.

Walter and Birkoff see Michael carrying Nikita's limp body pass their stations. Birkoff and Walter connect then follow Michael to the holding cell area. They catch up with Michael just after he locks her in.

"What are you doing, Michael? " Walter cries out.

"I need you at your station, Walter. " Michael replies as he walks pass them.

Birkoff jumps at the opportunity to tell Michael that he gave Madeline his message about the PC and adds,
"Is she dead?"

"No, Michael replies, "I found her coming out of the elevator shaft. She's to stay here. Let me know when she comes to. "

Walter and Birkoff walk back to their stations as Michael continues towardss the infirmary. As soon as Michael is out of site, Walter heads in Nikita's direction. He opens the door and enters quietly. Setting next to Nikita he tries to wake her,

"Sugar! Nikita?, Wake up!" Nikita moans then jumps up swinging.

"Woo Sugar!" Nikita just misses him.

"It's just me, Walter."

"Walter, what's going on? Michael wouldn't listen to me." Nikita continues to tell Walter what happened to her. So Walter lets her out. Nikita heads out of Section to her apartment.

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> [> Comments (r) -- Nestra, 08:16:11 06/20/02 Thu

She can't quite manage it, so she ascends to the 26 ths floor

26th. Or twenty-sixth.

She manages to open the door and crawls in.

Not Seeing

Don't capitalize "seeing"

She checks him for a micro tag which she finds

Has Michael told her about these tags? These tags which we, the readers, still know nothing about?

Then Michael steps pass Davenport, and that famous expression of Epiphany floods Nikita's face.

I'm sorry. The what? I have absolutely no idea what is meant by "famous expression of epiphany", and if it's supposedly famous, you'd think I'd know.

What I'm missing here, and in the rest of the story, are connections. You obviously have this all plotted out, and it makes perfect sense to you. But you have to make those connections for the reader. Very few people are going to persevere through a story when they don't understand what's going on.

After a short altercation with a stun-gun, Davenport and Michael put Nikita in a room.

1) You can't have an altercation with an inanimate object. 2) Who was doing the fighting? It's very unclear.

Checking her for micro tags and removing them, they lock her in room.

A room. Or the room.

She was there for what seemed like hours before someone broght her sustenance.

This sentence is in past tense. The rest of the story is in present tense.

Over coming the servant, Nikita escapes back up the elevator shaft.

Overcoming is one word. And "servant"? That's an interesting word choice. I don't think Section has servants.

Michael sees Nikita's egress from the elevator shaft and over takes her.

Overtakes is one word.

Michael throws Nikita to the floor and hobbling her.

hobbles her.

"Michael, what are you doing question mark Let me up!"

After laying her gently down, Michael drawes his thumb slowly over her right eyebrow then leaves to address more pressing issues with Paul in the infirmary.

I can't believe Michael would think of Operations as "Paul".

Walter and Birkoff see Michael carrying Nikita's limp body pass their stations.

"past their stations."

Birkoff and Walter connect

Connect what? Or connect how?

"What are you doing, Michael? " Walter cries out.

I thought Michael had already left.

"I need you at your station, Walter. " Michael replies as he walks pass them.

PAST them. And you need a comma, not a period after Walter.

Birkoff jumps at the opportunity to tell Michael that he gave Madeline his message about the PC and adds,
"Is she dead?"

You need to make it clear that "she" refers to Nikita. Since Birkoff was just talking about Madeline, it would be strange for him to ask if Madeline was dead.

So Walter lets her out. Nikita heads out of Section to her apartment.

There's this huge crisis in Section, but Walter lets her out of the holding cell, completely contrary to everyone's orders, and she goes home? I'm sorry, that just doesn't make much sense.

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]

[> [> [> Re: Comments (r) > I've made the corrections. You're great! Thanks. -- Deedra, 13:23:00 06/20/02 Thu

Hello,

You're great!

And you are so right about this.(LOL) I've got the rough areas marked. :-] It will come. And you keep it coming too!

~delle wrote; What I'm missing here, and in the rest of the story, are connections. You obviously have this all plotted out, and it makes perfect sense to you. But you have to make those connections for the reader. Very few people are going to persevere through a story when they don't understand what's going on.

Thanks.

God bless,
Deedra

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]