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Date Posted: 11:15:10 09/03/06 Sun
Author: Mikki
Author Host/IP: 24-236-239-50.dhcp.bycy.mi.charter.com / 24.236.239.50
Subject: Suicide by cop (sensitive material) (long)

When I started therapy with Jim, I told him of my death walk through the bad neighborhoods of Flint, hoping that some drug dealer would kill me, or give me enough H to kill
myself that way. Of course this alarmed Jim, and my doctor, both of which did the evaluation as to whether I needed to be in the hospital again. When I met Jerome in that neighborhood, and he was so nice, and invited me into his home to meet his wife and grandkids, I had second thoughts about my death walk. There are good people in the world, and Jerome really saved my life that day. He didn't call the police, or take me to the hospital, he just drove me back to my car and said "God bless you".

I believe there are angels in this world. Jerome knew just what to do, and he helped me more than any therapist could.

When I told Jim about it, he asked me about other suicide fantasies I have had. He wanted to know what I had been thinking about. I was lost without my old therapist, and I thought of shooting myself up with a chemical I got in the lab right in his bathroom......to show him what he had done to me. I got past that one in a hurry.

Another fantasy I had was being shot by a cop. I'd go to the bridge with a gun, and threaten the police officer that came to the scene, he would shoot me and I'd fall in the river and die. Jim told me to research on the internet just what cops go through when they kill a mentally ill person. It rips them up inside......I've read about it. I couldnt'do that to another person.....no matter how bad I felt.

I read in my local paper that a man had done just what I was going to do. In St. Clair county, when a patient has a known history of mental illness, they will use rubber bullets to disable the person, lose the gun, and they take them to the hospital. They do their best not to kill them.

Well, I was at work and on break when a Lapeer county sheriff came to get gas. I asked him about cop suicide. I told him I was writing a paper for college for an abnormal psych project so he wouldn't know I was asking about me.
He told me that if the person has a mental health history, they would only set up a perimeter about the person, and call in a negotiator to try to talk the person down. He said they have never had to kill anyone. He had heard of rubber bullets, but they dont'use them. He said they had other ways of disabling the person if necessary. It was really interesting talking to him. I learned alot. Not a way to go if that is what you want to do.

I don't know why suicide has become so obsessive in my life right now. I have a good therapist now, a wonderful doctor who would do anything I needed. There is a new treatment at UM hospital called Transcrainial magnetic stimulation that is suppose to be less traumatic than ECT.
Doc told me about it.

Is this the way my life is gonna be? Suicidall thoughts all the time.....fighting the urge to just do it. Sarah is 18 now......my marriage sucks, I hate taking meds all day, I just turned 41, I havent' gotten over my last therapist yet, and I just generally feel like shit.

I even paid for my own funeral so Mike wouldn't have to do it.

I am so lost.......just down because it is fall time again. Nothing makes me happy. I am losing friends and grieving all the time. I am going through the motions every day...trying to look normal. Inside I have died already. Sorry to be such a downer, I don't know who else to talk about this. I don't want to be in the hospital again, it doesn't help anymore. My doc suggested I go to UM the next time I have to go......to get more specialized treament. I just want to be left alone with my thoughts, as painful as they are. Anyway, that is where I am at right now.....no need to reply, it is a sensitive subject. I just needed to talk about it.

Thanks for listening,

Love, Mikki

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