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Date Posted: 10:34:46 06/11/06 Sun
Author: Liz
Author Host/IP: cpe-24-175-42-10.houston.res.rr.com / 24.175.42.10
Subject: More drama
In reply to: Mikki 's message, "Re: Conflicted and upset" on 09:09:26 06/11/06 Sun

Well I stuck to my guns and I'm not feeling very good about it.

I picked my man-friend (thanks Richard) up at the airport about 6 p.m. Came back to my house, told him I didn't want to drive (the 50 mile round trip) to his place, especially since he didn't have any time to spend with me tomorrow (today).

He seemed very surprised but very steadfast in his plans to work and play ball today. That wasn't surprising, my goal wasn't to change his mind, only to make him realize that I wasn't willing to make all the sacrifices all the time.

He did seem to feel a little bad that I was upset, even offered to take a day off another time to spend with me, but that would mean I have to take a day off from work (I just started a new position) and it would be at his convenience, not mine, since Sunday is a day I am off work anyway. He also suggested I come watch him play tonight, which I said no to, since it is a work night for me, but could change my mind.

I made some dinner and we talked very briefly, but by 9 p.m. he was clearly anxious to head home. My kids had gone out but were probably coming home soon (i.e., he would have stayed longer if we could have had sex, otherwise he was ready to leave). I didn't want him to go but didn't try to stop him.

After he left I felt emotionally exhausted. I lay down on the sofa and conked out. The kids got home about 45 minutes later (with friends) so I went into my room. I fell asleep again in my clothes. I slept until almost 9 a.m. this morning, 12 hours, how does that sound for being depressed.

I love him, I want us to work this relationship out. Over time I think we can, especially if he is willing to pick another night to play ball, so if he works Sundays I will at least have some time with him in the evening.

Today I feel almost as if we broke up. I am having flashbacks to 5 years ago and the summer Saturday when Marty said he needed space and the emptiness of the Sunday that followed (and the emptier weeks and months after that). I have to keep reminding myself that a little rift isn't the end of the affair, we still have plans for a trip in early July.

Oh, he also told me he was invited to play in a weekend tournament in 2 weeks, Saturday and Sunday. My reaction to that was, he is willing to miss work on Sunday to play ball. Somehow I don't feel as bad about that one, I have advance notice and I might go watch some of it. It is just today, when he has been gone for a week, that it hurts so much that he has no time for me.

And there is still the deep fear that if I am not the prefect, totally accepting woman-friend who never shows disappointment or disatisfaction, I will lose him.

I really need to find something today to distract my mind and heart from these dark thoughts and feelings.

Liz

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