Hesitation -- GFD: Those Who Crossed Over

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Date Posted: Fri July 31, 2009 11:30:27
Author: Lemons
Subject: Hesitation
In reply to: Comicality 's message, "Dark Question For 7/30" on Thu July 30, 2009 05:44:41

I wanted to respond to this one, but everything that came to mind sounded like a sob story. I suppose if Char and Becca were to give me an exam, they'd find much the same things they found in Justin. Probably why I like the story so much...I can relate to a lot of it.

But would I want to sit there and have someone describe, in detail, everything for me all over again? No. I've tried to put most of my old demons to rest and dredging them up again would not be a pleasant experience. But I'll try to give an quick version.

Like Justin, my father (although not an alcoholic, just a bastard) beat me almost daily. Not normal spankings, beatings. Belts, phone cords, whatever was handy. I still have scars on my back and legs. My mother was either unaware or turned a blind eye to most of it. But when I was around 13 they divorced.

The strange part is, I started to miss the pain. All my life, up to that point, I thought that's how people related to one another. I began martial arts around that time as well. I would pick fights in school, even though I could've probably won, I didn't want to. I wanted to get beaten. I missed it. But no one, not even the biggest senior football players could make it hurt quite like my father could. I guess when the emotional attachment is missing, pain is just pain.

I clearly remember the last whipping I ever got. I don't remember what I had done, aside from merely being alive, but my dad was furious. He was really ripping into me that day. I, naturally, was bawling my eyes out. But after a while I stopped crying. It just didn't hurt anymore. I looked back at my dad, still swinging and cursing and foaming at the mouth, and I couldn't help but giggle. He looked funny all worked up like that and I couldn't feel a thing. He heard my giggle and that really sent him overboard. He gave me everything he had. And the faster and harder he swung, the more I'd laugh. Finally I was practically in hysterics, laughing my head off. He stopped swinging and just looked at me. Then he dropped the belt on the floor and gave me a very strange look. Like, maybe he'd gone too far and created something beyond his control. He turned and walked out of the room without saying anything. He's been scared to death of me ever since. Obviously, we don't talk anymore. If I were a vampire, he'd be the first person I'd break the rules and pay a visit to. But in this life, I'd just wind up in prison for killing him.

Throughout school and into my adult life, I've never really fit in anywhere. I'm socially retarded. I have a few close friends, but most people just don't understand me, and they look at me like I have a tentacle growing out of my cheek or something. For the life of me, I can't figure out why. I look 'normal'. Some even say handsome. So why do I get strange looks from people? I try to smile and put on a pleasant mask. But I guess they can see right through it? But what are they seeing? These days I'm pretty tame. I'm not anything like I used to be. I still struggle with suicidal thoughts and am heavily medicated for it. But I don't do hardly any of the things I used to. I don't hurt people anymore. (Soren's underground fighting arena's ... I've been to similar events) I rarely ever drink anymore. I haven't done 'street' drugs since I was a teenager. So where is the weirdness coming from? These are the questions I'd want Char and Becca to answer. I know about my past, all too well. I NEED to know about my present and future.

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Replies:

Wow....I'l comment more on this later... -- Comicality, Sat August 01, 2009 08:48:46
- No worries -- Lemons, Sat August 01, 2009 12:00:11
  - Hmmm -- Yagami_Light, Sat August 01, 2009 15:05:02