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Date Posted: 07:37:13 12/18/01 Tue
Author: TDis
Author Host/IP: 64.210.241.103
Subject: Thhe vent

No...no silly post about the spooky noises that my heat vents make. Matter O fact, this doesn't even belong here. Something for live journal, i guess, but i'm too lazy for that. Started one, only made one post, months ago, and never posted again.
My head hurts. Could be from a migraine, could be from having it pounded into the floor repeatedly. My collar bone is fractured. I know this, because my right one has been fractured twice. This time its my left.My hands, arms and throat are covered in bruises, that are gradually getting darker. I deserve it I guess, after all, I did hit him first. Quite a few time actually...used a variety of things. Apple, orange, glass ashtry, but mostly my fist.
I hate people. Not all, just the vast majority. I hate life. Delivers me nothing, but shattered dreams, and broken promises. I hate almost everything really, now I hate it even more.
I had to tell him to leave tonight, as i beat on him, destroyed things, and fell to the floor crying. I cried for hours, tyring to fight a losing battle against the pain, that ineveidably ripped my innards slowly out of my chest. I didn't want to make him leave, what i desperately wanted was to grab him, hold him, and never let go. hang on to the dreams, that were nothing but a lie. Was it really so bad to live in the lie? I was happy most of the time, and it sure didn't feel like this.
I hadn't seen a phone bill recently, so I looked in his truck for one. I found them. Two of them. One for the basic and toll calls, one for the long distance, and some phone numbers. The first bill was for $309.00, the second was for $633.96. Goodbye christmas. I can't pay for those. I'm now going to have to cash in my daughters savings bonds I was buying for her college education. They total $500, plus any intrest they may have earned. I haven't done it yet, only found out about 4pm today, but i already feel like i'm stealing from her future.
The phone #'s one for a girl named Jessica, the other Julie. He met them over the phone only. Phone line chatrooms, 1 at $3.99/minute the other $34.95/per 20 minute session. He made no plans to meet either of them, but told them both he was single, lived alone, and got thier home #'s so he could call them from work. He said he can't help it, he's addicted to them, and wants to seek counseling of some sort. Anything, as long as we can stay together, work things out. I don't believe him. I want to. Oh, how desperately I want to. Turn a blind eye, and try to work through it. It hurts. I can't even put words to the pain, just hurt. I honestly believed i would spend the rest of my life with him. Always. Build a life, buy a house, be there together until one of used passed on. I still feel that way. Reality hasn't taken that part away yet, but it will soon. I know. And that will destroy me.
I need him. When my head hurts, he lies in bed with me, rubbing my head and neck for hours, until i finally sleep. When its too bad, he takes me to the hospital, so they can give me shots to make it stop, then fills my prescriptions for me, takes care of me, and my daughter, until its better.
Now he's gone. Who will take care of me now... When i'm lieing on the floor, screaming in pain? The doctors can't fix it. They don't even try. Said its from having my skull cracked, nothing they can do, but drug me when it gets too bad.
My jaw hurts, theres a huge bruise on it from when he choked me, and slammed his knee into it. Guess i went too far when i knocked his glasses off, cutting his ear, and smashed his lit Cigar back, into his mouth.
An hour after he was gone, I opened the door to leave and he was standing there. Said he didn't want to go. i felt sorry for him standing there, the whole left side of his face darkening with bruising as i watched, the split of his lip, the dried blood on his ear, and crusted around his nose. He could have killed me had he wanted to,snapped me like a twig, would have been easy for a man so large, so strong, and trained to kill in combat. I wish he would have. Maybe thats what I was trying to get him to do. Would have been easier than this. What do i do now? Theres no one.
No one to hold me, tell me everythings ok, help me when i'm unable to help myself, help care for my daughter. I've always took care of myself, always, but the reality is, that I no longer can, as much as i wish i could.
I've been lying awake in bed for hours, stretching out my arm to feel the emptiness of where he used to lay, knowing that only hours ago, it would have been grabbed, and pulled gently over a warm body that is no longer there. No theres just the cold nothingness of something that will no longer be.
I want to sleep. Dream that this never happened, feel the comfort, the safety, of his large, warm arms, surrounding me until theres nothing left but him, and never wake up again. Please take this world away, and let me dream forever, of things that will never be...

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