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Date Posted: 09:45:21 02/28/02 Thu
Author: Rosie
Subject: Hi guys. This is hilarious. I am sitting here crying. Thank you so much for the laugh or cry!! You know I miss you guys so much and kind of feel like an outsider, which makes me sad that I am not part of your community anymore. I have tried to get interested in JAG again but I just could not. Anyway, I am going to check here periodically for the next part. Here is a high five for you.
In reply to: Lu & Katherine 's message, "The JAGnik Olympiks...Sort of...(Part 1 of ???)" on 14:45:51 02/27/02 Wed


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[> PART TWO Inside -- Katherine (Thanks for all the kind comments!), 10:12:07 02/28/02 Thu


Lu: “Um...Welcome back to the broadcast. We now take you to the big hill for the Men’s slalom. CQ, are you there?”

CQ ~thumbing through TV Guide and whistling~

Lu: “KatRose...how ‘bout you?”

KatRose ~filing nails~ “Hey CQ...how about passing the popcorn?”

Lu: “And I wonder why I have all these hegg eggs. ARRRRGGGGHHH!.”

CQ: “Here ya go...hey KatRose...”

KatRose ~crunch, crunch, crunch~ "HEY! Are you spitting kernels back in the pan?”

CQ: “What? Why, I NEVER! I would ne...Hmm...I think Lu wants us...Yes...she seems to be waving or something. Oh, I think she has another headache. Look how the poor thing is holding her head in her hands. You know, she really should see about ...”

Lu: “You’re ON the AIR...”

KatRose: “Whoooppssss! Errrr...Hello...Tee hee hee.”

~Lu heaves a heavy sigh~

CQ: “Welcome to the big hill...Mount Very High Up There...for the Men’s Slalom. What the heck IS a slalom anyway?”

KatRose: “How the heck should I know? I’m lucky I know how to walk, much less ski! I tried the beginner’s slope once from about half-way up, started accelerating and....”

CQ: “And what?”

KatRose: “Well...let’s just say I had a close encounter with a fence and some hay bales.”

CQ: “Didn’t you take lessons?”

KatRose: “...I got kicked out before they taught us how to stop...”

CQ : “Oh MY! Well...uh...Moving right along...our first competitor is none other than Harm Rabb, who is favored to win the gold.”

~Lu suddenly becomes much more interested in the proceedings~

KatRose: “Earlier today, Katherine sat down to speak with him and...Sorry...we seem to be having a bit of a problem w/the tape...”

~Lu's face drops, begins kicking and shaking VCR thingy~

~KatRose stares at Lu in alarm~

~Tape rolls~

~Lu looks happy~

Tape:

Katherine: “I’m joined today by the favorite in the Men’s slalom, Harm Rabb. Harm, welcome.”

Harm: “Thank you very much. I’m glad to be here.”

Katherine: “So...tell us...what’s it like to be able to ski without crashing into trees and such?”

Harm: “What kind of question is that?”

Katherine: “Well SOME of us are not very coordinated when it comes to having pieces of fiberglass strapped to our feet!”

Harm: “Oh, well, uh...it’s exhilarating!”

~Katherine looks amazed and wistful ~ ~

Katherine continues: “BTW, who the heck gave you the name ‘Harm’...What? Your mother didn't like you or something?" ~Katherine winks good-naturedly~

Harm: ~sticking thumb in mouth~ “She did TOO! She did she did she DID!!!” ~stomps foot~

Katherine: “Sorry...Sheesh...I was JOKING!”

~looking more closely~~

Katherine: “A..Are you??? Is he? ARE YOU HOLDING YOUR BREATH?!!! Oh for crying out LOUD! Is this guy for REAL?”

~BBBBBAAAAAANNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG...CCRRRAASSSHHH....BBBBBBOOOOOOOOMMMM... ~

~Harm is tackled in his chair and tips over backwards~~

Katherine: “LU!!!!! I TOLD you not to ruin this interview!!!”

Lu: “He was turning BLUE! I had to SAVE him!”

Katherine: “Goshdarnit...how did you know we were here?”

Lu: “I’m psychic?”

Katherine: “SECURITY!!!!! Well, that concludes the interview portion of our show...Good Luck Harm.”

~Back live~

Lu: "Pssstt.. Katherine! That’s my favorite part! Did you see how he helped me up? I think he likes me!"

Katherine: “You idiot. He wasn't helping you up! He was trying to get you OFF of him!”

~Lu begins tearing up~

Katherine rolling eyes: “Sorry, Ladies and Gentlemen, —that last part should have been edited out...Back to you Lu for commentary. Lu? Now where did she go? Oh well...back to KatRose and CQ. Ladies?”

KatRose: “Welcome back. Let’s watch as Harm Rabb makes his run for Olympic History!!!!”

CQ: “He’s received the start signal...and...”

KatRose: “...and.....”

CQ: “He’s not moving.”

KatRose: “Why isn’t he moving?”

~Close up on Harm's face~

KatRose: “ MY he has big eyes! They sort of... I don't know... seem to jump right out of his head, don't they? I never noticed that before... Well... anyway, someone give him a push. He's holding up the line. What the...OH NO!!!...RUN...EVERYONE RUN....”

A
V
A
L
A
N
C
H
E
!
!
!

Just before the chunks of ice and snow descend on the spectators, Katherine looks up and sees none other than our Lu tumbling down in a swirl of skis, poles Harm and a happy smile on her face.

CQ ~in a hurried, harried manner~: “We’ll be right back after these messages.”

Katherine: “Unbelievable.” ~shakes her head in disbelief and goes into the lodge for a mug of hot chocolate~

~Commercial 2~

Lu voiceover: “Have you ever been out on the slopes, all dressed in your snowsuit and realized you needed to use the facilities?”

~shot of Katherine skiing (yeah right)~

~Spectators applaud her stunning show of acrobatics~

Katherine: “WHERE is the BATHroom?!”

Lu voiceover: “Well...with GottaGoNow, you can prevent any disruption in your fun. These handy, dandy diaper-like thingys will keep moisture away from your precious bottom and allow you to continue your daily activities.”

Katherine: ~looking even more embarrassed~ “Yes. I just love them.”

Lu voiceover: “Not for use with small appliances or household pets.”


~Dead Silence~

Lu: “Kath???....Katherine???....KATHERINE!!!! Are you there?”

Katherine: “Oh yeah. I’m here. And soon, my lawyer will be here. I'm here calling T. Tam Tammie, Lawyer at Law.”

Lu: “Awwwww come on. I told you I’d give you 5% of my royalties.”

Katherine: “Believe me—you WILL be sorry for this.”

Lu: “Oh, all right. 10%. There! Are you satisfied? Look, you're killing the mood here, and ruining my precious time w/ Harmkins.”

~Lu, sitting in Harm's lap smiling sweetly, flicking bits of snow and debris out of his hair~

Katherine: “Is he all right? He looks like he's in pain."

Lu: “No. He's fine!” ~Lu to Harm: Aren'tcha, big guy?~

Harm: ~lip trembling~ "Mommie...."

Lu: “Yes, you just rest, dear. Lu will take care of you..... Folks, welcome back to the games. We now turn you over to...”

~Harm attempts to limp away~

Lu: “Ah ah AHH!” ~shakes finger at Harm and proceeds to handcuff him to chair~

~Harm begins to sob...~

Lu~back in Harm’s lap~: “Ahem... as I was saying! We now turn you over to our announcers C and MichelleB, who are over at the Biathlon course.”

MichelleB: “...and then what happened?”

~tap~

C: “Well...apparently Lu caught up w/ Rabb and....”

~taptap~

Lu: “LADIES!!!!!”

~taptaptap~

MichelleB: “Wwwwhhhhaaattttt!”

Lu: “Does NO ONE pay attention? You’re OONNNNNNN TTTTTHHHHHEEEEEE AAAAAIIIIRRRRRRRRR!!!”

~tap~

C: “Sheesh...she doesn't have to scream...”

MichelleB: “I know. She's SO irritating.”

Lu: “AAAAIIIIGGGHHHHHH!!!!!”

C: "There she goes again..."

Michelle: "Ahem.... Welcome to the Biathlon event. We’re not really sure what goes on here, but it involves shooting stuff on skis.”

~taptaptap~

MichelleB: “WHAT IS WITH THIS TAPPING SOUND????”

C ~listening~: “I don't hear anything...."

C~continuing~: "That’s right. And for the JAG team, we’ll see AJ Chegwidden and Clayton Webb duke it out for the gold.”

MichelleB: “Here they come now.”

C: “There seems to be some confusion.....”

MichelleB: “OH MY WORD!!!!! Webb just tripped Chegwidden!”

C: “He's DOWN. I think...I think...Medic!!!!!”

~taptap~

MichelleB ~knocking over chair~: “Forget the MEDIC! I'm COMING, A.J!!! You little hairless wonder! I'm COMING.”

~Michelle runs down mountain and falls on top of A.J.~

Michelle ~in husky voice~: “Saaaaaaaaaaaavvvvvvvvvveee me. Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavvvee me."

AJ: “I thought YOU were here to save ME???”

Michelle: “Oh yeah...right...well...lay still...I need to perform mouth-to-mouth...”

AJ: “Wha....? But I don't need mmmuuffunnnpphhhh... HELP! Somebody hel mmmuuffuunnnpphhhh.....”

~Startled Cameraman quickly switches back to C and Webb who are both staring in disbelief~

C~trying to regain composure~: “Uh... Ummm...So...Mr. Webb uh...I would say that was a hollow victory, what with tripping the Admiral and all.”

Admiral: “HEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPP!!!!!! mmmmmuuuuufffuuuuupppphhhh!!! mmmmmuuffupppphhh!!!!”

Webb: “Is he o.k???”

C: “Umm... I don't ... ummm....”

Michelle: “HE'S FINE!!!! Now, can I have some PRIVACY?????!!!!”

C: “Uh... as you were saying, Mr. Webb?”

Webb: “Look. I'm supposed to be on the EQUESTRIAN team. My horse is stuck somewhere up there in the TREES! I was just trying to get off the track. I didn't MEAN to trip him! Besides, when his hat fell off his head, I was temporarily BLINDED from the glare and…Sigh…Who is ORGANIZING this fiasco anyway??? And WHAT is with this THING tied around my WAIST????”

C: “Ummm... it's a Hula Skirt, and...we've all sort of agreed not to mention it...ALL the athletes are wearing them—they’re some sort of logo thingy.”

Webb: “Had I known that...”

~taptaptap~

C: “What IS that?”

Webb: "Sounds like Morse code to me...It says, "Someone help me. I can no longer feel my legs."

~C and Webb look perplexed~

~Lu still sitting in Harm’s lap, gives him a suspicious look~

~Harm shrugs and tries to look innocent~

Lu: “It's nothing...Don't worry, I'll take care of it...”.

Harm: “Whimper...”

C: “We’ll be right back after these messages.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Commercial 3~

Katherine: AAAAAIIIGGGHHHH!!!!!! runs past screen .... several angry polar bears following.

Lu from off camera: “It says here in the SCRIPT you're supposed to give them a friendly pat on the noggin and hand them the bottle of Cope. Then all of you lovingly join hands and sing the Cope Harmony Song as you toboggan down the mountain together..... Katherine? Katherine?”

Katherine: AAAAAAIIIIGGGHHHHHH!!! runs past again, flinging Cope bottles behind her. Bears appear to be gaining ground....

You’re going to pay Luuuu uuuuuuu!!!!!!!


~Katherine disappears into the woods~


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[> [> Oh my gosh!!! This was even funnier than the first part ladies! (And I'm not just saying that because I was in it!) You have to keep going, I want to find out who save Harmkins from Lu, the definitely not sane one! -- CQ, 10:37:05 02/28/02 Thu


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[> [> ROTFLMAOPIMP! Ok, I think I need one of those GottaGoNow thingies. What are you to on, and can I have some, please? ROTFLOL. -- KrisL., 12:09:42 02/28/02 Thu


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[> [> Very funny, ladies!!! I hope Harmkins will be okay soon.... first, trapped in the closet and now the chair... yes, and the bedroom too, I suppose... -- J-Bird, 12:16:51 02/28/02 Thu


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[> [> What's ReALLY funny is how darn close to accurate your portrayal of my skiing is! -- KatRose, 13:12:31 02/28/02 Thu


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[> [> I can't breathe!!!!!!! have to stop laughing so hard Thanks guys.. this is fantastic... SO.. when do we get the next installment???? -- Northstar, 13:12:43 02/28/02 Thu


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[> [> ROFLOLOLOL--this is hysterical!! Hubby is giving me odd looks again because I am cracking up in front of the computer once more. Keep it coming ladies! -- LiJo, 13:22:47 02/28/02 Thu


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[> [> Re: PART THREE Inside -- Katherine (I'm *trying* to hurry!!!!!), 14:44:22 02/28/02 Thu


~back live~

Lu: ~who has allowed Harm to go for a walk to regain feeling in his legs~: “We have an update on Admiral Chegwidden. He is just fine and Michy has taken him home to ummm...rest.”

Northstar: “Riiiiiiiiight.”

Lu: "Well that'swhatshetoldme! Frankly I don’t WANT to know what she did with him!!! Anyway, what are YOU doing here North?? Where’s Katherine?”

Northstar: “I’m temporarily taking over for her. Those bears from that maniacal commercial you contracted her for, chased her into the woods. Remember?”

Lu: “Oh yeah...Hope she’s alright...We now send you to the Speedskating event, hosted by PB and KrisL.”

KrisL: “So, did you order room service yet?”

PB: “No...these cheapskates aren’t picking up the tab.”

KrisL: "Oh...I thought Katherine said to bill everything to Lu?”

Lu: “Those idiots...IS there NO ONE HERE with a professional bone in their BODY? We're doing the...OLYMPICS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!!

PB: “Oh...Hi Lu.”

Lu: “You're ON. THE. AIR!!!!!!!!”

KrisL: “We are???”

Lu ~trying to climb over announcer booth~: "That's IT!"

Northstar: ~attempting to restrain Lu~: “They're on the other side of the MOUNTAIN, you IDIOT!"

Lu: ~shaking her fist at the onscreen images of PB and KrisL~ "And don’t think I missed that part about me picking up the TAB, either! Bunch of stinking buzzards. I don't know how they expect me to work with these people. I want a raise. A big FAT one, and a new car, and...and.. some more of those blue pills...." ~voice trails off~

PB: “Yes.. well.. umm...We’re here at the GoFast Arena for the Speedskating event. Tonight’s race features Sturgis Turner against Bud Roberts.”

KrisL: “This should be a rout.”

Frances: “Oh...you people have NO faith! None whatsoever. No one ever sticks up for Bud! I am so tired of..."

Northstar: “Umm...can we get someone up here from the BLA to take care of Frances??? Uh, wait, no...bad choice. Those people are ALL insane.”

Lu: “I'll call somebody from the Harmyboard, they'll help.”

Northstar: “NO!!! No no no no no no NO NO NO NO!”

Lu: “What?”

~Northstar whispers something in Lu's ear~

~Lu turns a brighter shade O’ Lu~

~Northstar whispers some more~

Lu: “You are KIDDING me!”

Northstar: “Nope!”

Lu grinning: “What's their addy again?”

Northstar: “OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Look, is Chris still here dropping off fans from the JAG Asylum? Good. Chris? Can you come here, please? Yes. Thank you. Chris, gag Frances, please. Yes. Thanks. And get Lu out of here too."

Chris: "Uh uh."

Northstar: “Why NOT?”

Chris: "She's drooling and her eyes are all glazed. I think she's got the RABIES!”

Northstar: “No dear, it is the RABBIES, and I know the cure. Somebody get me Jennifer, NTS. Yes. That's right. Yes. From over on the Mac board.”

~Jennifer shows up with friends and a picture of Harm (with a slash through it) cross-stitched on her pocket~

Lu: “AAAAAIIIIIIIGGGGGHHH!!! Help! Somebody call the Rose Garden! Somebody call the Rose Garden! Somebody call the Ro....”

~SWACK!~

Jennifer, NTS: “They met on the CURB, you DOLT! Now GET OFF THE STAGE! “

KrisL: “As we were saying...the race is about to begin.”

PB: “Roberts has the inside lane. He’s rounding the first turn.”

KrisL: “This is exciting folks. Turner has taken the lead on the second turn.”

PB: “Whoa—there’s a woman on the rink! Oh my GOSH—it’s...naaahhhh...can’t be...”

KrisL: “Yep—it’s her.”

PB: “Tammie????? What is she doing???”

KrisL: “It appears that she is chasing Turner!”

Tammie: “ I’m VICE PRESIDENT OF THE BLA—Pull over immediately!”

Turner: “What? I’m in the middle of...”

~OOOOOOOUUUUUUUFFFFFFFFFFFFPPPPPPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHH~

PB: “OH NO—Turner has gone crashing into the wall!!!”

KrisL: “I don’t believe it—this is the upset of upsets folks!”

PB: “Roberts has won the gold!”

~PB faints~

KrisL: “Oh my GOSH! The BLA are RIOTING! They've...they're...they're DISMANTALING the ICERINK! They've gone BRESERK!!!!!”

Northstar: " I told you those BLA people were all insane...Sigh...Anyway, we’ll be right back after this short message, already in progress.”

~Commercial 4~

“...Just remember...they have WINGS....”

Katherine: ~looking mortified, flies away on cable whilst dialing cell phone~ “Hello...Rose Garden? I need to speak with Kathy...She’s my agent...Yes...I’ll hold..."


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[> [> What's beyond ROTFLyourAO & PIyourP? Because I'm there! LOL! Brava! I'll read the next part when I get home! -- MichelleB, 15:46:03 02/28/02 Thu


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[> [> [> ROTFLMAOPIMPUU (the UU is Until Unconscious). -- KatRose, 16:05:17 02/28/02 Thu


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[> [> Re: PART TWO Inside -- Em-Jay, 17:08:22 02/28/02 Thu

This is great. It the Olympics had be half as funny as this I might have watched it.


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[> [> OMG I am laughing SO HARD! I'm sorry--who did you refer to as the crazy ones???? Hmm...that's what I thought...From here on out NO ONE believe Ms. Lu when she says SHE's the sane one!!! But, this just proves that Katherine IS an alien.....LOLOLOLOL!!! -- Crosby ;), 19:50:51 02/28/02 Thu


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