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Date Posted: 20:50:42 02/04/02 Mon
Author: Goktimus Prime
Subject: Goktimus in a world of pain

Hello.

I'm in a lot of pain right now, so I'm going to be an attention-seeking sod and rant. If anyone doesn't feel like reading about my current state of extreme depression, then stop reading now.

I just decided to break up with my girlfriend whom I have known for the past year.

Why? One word: infidelity.

For the past month and a half, I'd been feeling really depressed and neglected, because she never called me and only saw me twice (and only once did we go out -- and even then, it was brief). I made several pleas to her to make me feel special again, but she said she was too busy with her study -- made ME feel guilty for bothering her.

You can imagine my shock when I discovered that she has been having an affair with another guy for the last four months.

Hoo-boy. Goki really hurting now.

I'd been having niggling suspicions for the last four months, but never any real evidence. She'd always come up with some excuse for her suspicious behaviour. Yesterday I hacked into her E-mail account (after getting to know her so well, I was able to figure out her password). To my horror, I read the correspondence between her and her other boyfriend.

For the record, I don't blame the other guy. Even if he knew about me, it was Masayo's (that was my gf's name) responsibility to have TOLD me about this and at least have the honour and decency to break up with me before things got serious with this other guy.

The fact that she perpetuated my feelings for her for the last four months has made me feel well and truly USED.

The bitch played me for a sucker.

Why? Because I'm an idiot who's too kind for his own good and too in love to examine all the evidence of her betrayal (because deep down, I didn't want to believe it).

Here's what I used to do for her, because I thought she loved me:

* All her assignments, save programming, because I don't know programming.

* I did ample amounts of readings for her, producing two reading reports each week at one stage.

* I wrote all her essays and reports for subjects which I'd never studied before, and I had to do a LOT of study (which was HER study) to write those papers.

* Guess what? The university offered her a position to do an HONOURS in History. Honour... how ironic.

* Listened to copious boring lecture tapes and even attended several lectures in her place (because she couldn't be bothered to go) -- including one lecture which went on for NINE hours.

* Cooked meals for her.

* Cleaned for her -- this doesn't just include ironing, vacuuming, mopping, dishes etc., it also includes laundry and even scrubbing her toilets.

* Fought a major company (One Tel) that had gone into liquidation and owed her a lot of money. The battle has been ongoing, but I put a lot of effort into it.

* Wrote a letter to the housing office on campus which managed to allow her to "jump the queue" so that she could move into a better apartment on campus (because she didn't like living a 15 min walk away from campus -- I live 42km from campus, btw)

* Organised a plumber to fix her bathroom when it was busted.

Some of these things may seem small and trivial, but they meant a lot to me, because it was my way of expressing my affection for her.

...and she utterly used me for it.

I'm currently considering contacting her faculty and reporting her for academic misconduct. The only problem might be that I might be penalised as well as a conspirator.

But even if I don't report her, the fact is that she still has another year of university to complete. A year which will NOT see me doing anything for her.

Mind you, this gives me little satisfaction for the fact that I totally opened my heart to her, gave her the best of my love, and had it used like it was nothing.

I feel utterly worthless now.

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