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Date Posted: 18:39:50 01/15/02 Tue
Author: Jonathan
Author Host/IP: 199.35.225.151
Subject: The reason I am sad...

Rhonda called me and told me she is in a financial crisis right now. She says that her cancer medication is absorbing most of her money and can not afford to fix her grinding brakes right now and had requested that I pay for it because she is deathly afraid of losing control of her car.

I told her that as long as she was seeing someone else, I wouldn't take on any more of her financial problems. She told me that if I didn't help her, she would take that as a rejection and would not bother to call me anymore. It was hard to say "no" as I have bailed her out everytime in years past... I just felt like this had to come to an end. She is on her fourth relationship right now... and we are supposed to be married!

She hadn't called back... and I feel like any attempt to try to reconcile our relationship is now shot. I still believe that I did the right thing though... even if that means I will spend my remaining days here alone. At least when I am alone, I won't be used. But it is hard to go out because of the years of fidelity that I have had in my marriage. After 16 years... it's just hard to be single again. That is why I opt for a bullet.

I know you all care about me... this medium is the only way I can express myself freely and safely... but it is sooo tempting to take the easy way out. The problem is... I feel guilty if I die and hurt other people's feelings. Like my parents... of all people! They are old anyway... "I can surely outlast them and then kill myself! I can surely wait till my little nephew Chris dies at 8 of cancer! Then I won't owe anyone any excuses..." I could then do it and feel no remorse over my actions. These are the excuses I tell myself... and this is why I am alive today to tell you.

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