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Date Posted: 20/07/07 10:45pm
Author: Irvin Pickleback
Subject: Re: Decline of gnomes
In reply to: Fredric Frothington III 's message, "Re: Decline of gnomes" on 20/07/07 9:57am

Hello Fredric

Please allow me to introduce myself. I`m Irvin Pickleback, you may have read my recent book "Killer Gnomes in the Undergrowth" available at most good bookstores. In my book I tell of killer gnomes that have infiltrated our gardens the length and breadth of Britain. The killer gnomes are in fact hybrid alien gnomes that have a bloodthirsty demeanor and are rumored to be responsible for the slaying of some 2,789 humans; 27,348 dogs; 12,567 tortoise and a plethora of other pitiful animals whose gory deaths by mutilation have remained a mystery - until, that is, my enlightening book was published 2 weeks ago.

Nocturnal hunters the alien hybrid gnome usually hunt in packs stalking their prey sometimes for weeks on end before eventually moving in for the bloody kill. The end comes when the pack leader "Nigel" chants to the others "WEKEEL.. WEKEEL.. WEKEEL"

The genetic mutations you astutely mention are as you are aware distant cousins of the alien hybrids. The basic difference in appearance is that your "common or garden" (forgive the pun) genetic mutant gnome has very distinctive pointed ears with bulbous potato-like-lobes, whereas the alien hybrid gnome has almost identical red green and blue attire but the AHG also has, evil, glaring, bloodshot eyes, which alone could frighten to death the bravest of men and have indeed done so i`ve heard.

Something must be done about this menace i`m sure you will agree. We can`t contact the authorities of course because they simply would`nt believe us so do you have any suggestions as to how we can rid this beautiful land of this rampant evil in our midst?

Kind regards, an extremely fearful..
Irvin Pickleback
Author and Part Time Gherkin Pickler Supreme.

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Replies:

[> [> [> Re: Decline of gnomes -- Fredric Frothington III (Nuclear Hardened Statuary), 21/07/07 12:11am

Irvin,

Yes, yes it’s imperative we act quickly the ministry has already dismissed this menace as the ravings of a few demented lunatics. I perused your recent tome whilst having my shoes polished Tuesday last, a fascinating chronicle I must say. I have looked into the depths of the AHG’s bloodshot eyes and can attest to the terror I felt, it was only by fleeing several furlongs away I felt safe enough to stop and sob uncontrollably. My suggestion would be to use flamethrowers to repel the menace or surround the garden with razor wire at least 3 deep and a meter tall. Baring that I have heard rumored that these mutants are subject to seizures given the correct frequency of light and sound. Perhaps a sound truck and anti-aircraft searchlight may be employed to disperse them. I shudder to think what an all out invasion of these could do to our proud nation, the Buzz Bombs were bad enough but this is insidious and would affect every man, woman and child in the nation, not to mention the Gherkins.


Yours truly,
Fredric Frothington III
Frothington Statuary
Hamford SW3

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[> [> [> [> Re: Decline of gnomes -- Irvin Pickleback, 21/07/07 11:53am

Fredric

I agree we must act fast so I have arranged an urgent hush-hush meeting with General Sir Jeffrey Pilkington-Smythe, second in command of the Queens own Territorial Army. He has promised to see me first thing Friday morning 27th July. Apparantly he has a couple of functions to go to with luncheons thrown in and promise of an arms deal or two so Friday was the very earliest he could see me.

Sorry to harp on about my book but I hope you found it a good read. Did you buy the paper back version or the more expensive but hardier hardback signed version with a photograph of me (on my yacht) emblazoned on the front?

Your shrewd suggestion to use flamethrowers to repel the menace or surround the garden with razor wire at least 3 deep and a meter tall was an excellent one. Perhaps we could also use stun grenades to bewilder them and then rain down heavy artillery which should hopefully do the trick.

Still jittery but controlled
Irvin Pickleback

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[> [> [> [> [> Re: Decline of gnomes -- Fredric Frothington III (Hidden compartments & lead lined slightly higher), 21/07/07 6:34pm

Irvin,

Rotten luck that General Sir Jeffrey Pilkington-Smythe cannot meet till 27th July, I had hoped we could launch the offensive sooner. Sir Jeffrey is the right chap for the job I am surprised he hasn’t popped round, we usually furnish him with some “special” statuary you know the kind with hidden compartments when he has an arms deal in the works.
I do hope he has not gone over to the other side; those blighters at Portwrinkle Pottery have been trying to get his business since 1966.

But I diverge from the topic, in answer to your question about your book. It’s a little embarrassing but I didn’t actually buy your book, you see I picked up a copy at the news while the bootblack was attending to his trade, seems I forgot to pay for it.

Your suggestion of stun grenades should work but I don’t know where we are going to get the heavy artillery regiment on such short notice. Perhaps we could arrange for a bombing run and unleash a rain of phosphorus incendiaries instead. I’ll be round at the “Queens Head On A Stick” just north of the Frothington Works, for a pint or three should you need to contact.

Yours truly,
Fredric Frothington III
Frothington Statuary
Hamford SW3

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[> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Decline of gnomes -- Malcolm Smith (Genuinely Alarmed!), 21/07/07 8:08pm

Are you both insane? This was a simple sartorial question I didn’t expect a full out air strike. While I could probably survive by hiding in the Anderson Shelter with my corgi, I doubt Mrs. Watkins in number 32 would survive such an attack as hers was moved to the allotment several decades ago.


Malcolm Smith

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[> [> [> [> [> Re: Decline of gnomes -- Fredric Frothington III, 22/07/07 5:16pm

Irvin,

Smith is getting nervous, we must act with the utmost haste before he spooks the gnomes.

Yours truly,
Fredric Frothington III
Frothington Statuary
Hamford SW3

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[> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Decline of gnomes -- Irvin Pickleback, 22/07/07 10:47pm

Fredric

I must apologise for the delay in getting back to you, my alibi is that I was battling a gigantic haddock on the banks of the thames near Waterloo bridge. Did`nt land the bugger but plenty of photos taken although none to hand.

I can understand Smith getting nervous, he has more to lose than most what with his allotment and welk stall.

Anyway please let me know how we can move this thing forward because as you know it will soon be mating season for the gnomes. I have seen a couple of flying saucers hovering over our local park so there`s no time to lose. It will be my task to contact the General to try to see if he can bring the meeting forward by a couple of days. It will hit him in the pocket I know what with the arms deals etc but what`s twenty million pounds between friends!

Give my regards to Cheryl and the boys

Regards
Irvin Pickleback

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Decline of gnomes -- Fredric Frothington III (For Queen And Country), 23/07/07 6:27pm

Irvin,

Indeed you news of the saucers gathering so soon is a bad sign, I myself have been down to the aerodrome trying to find a willing pilot for our mission. I was hoping to find a Tornado F3 or Harrier GR7 available but the best I could do was a Hawker Typhoon with an OAP who purports to be capable of carrying out the strike. Glad you were able to take some leisure although you were unsuccessful in your angling of the haddock.

I think it best to leave General Sir Jeffrey Pilkington-Smythe to his arms deal at this time; he has been known to dispatch a commando raid on anyone who interferes with his business dealings.

Did you know Smith was three time champion of the Lyme Regis Conger Cuddling team? He is very modest and hardly ever mentions it; would benefit him to display a photo or two in the stall so customers would know of his intimate knowledge of his wares.

I think our best interests would be served by collecting as much sodium as possible and some tins to secure it to the Hawker’s bomb carriage.

I’ll give your regards to Cheryl and the boys this evening, they are in the bunker and we have pre-arranged contact at midnight when I drop the yellow marble down the speaking tube. We have worked out an elaborate arrangement of signals using different colour marbles to signal the all clear. Until then they are to remain secure.

Yours truly,
Fredric Frothington III
Frothington Statuary
Hamford SW3

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Decline of gnomes -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 24/07/07 6:40pm

My good Sirs,

I have been contacted by Malcolm Smith who is quite anxious you cease and desist your plans to drop incendiary ordnance on his garden and surrounding areas. I have looked into the matter and the OAP you have contracted with is as likely to fly straight into the control tower as hit your intended target. While my firm has employed tactics such as this in the past, let me assure you it was only as a last resort and to either secure payment of monies owed or a favorable business decision for our client.

Our highly trained partners Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. are trained in making surgical strikes such as this and minimizing collateral damages. Should you so desire they have indicated an almost zealous desire to carry out the strike you desire and assure me that Mr. Smith and his Welsh corgi would not be harmed and they will make every effort to spare Smith’s cottage.

If this offer is amicable please contact my offices to make the necessary arrangements and payment. Mr. Smith on the other hand has indicated he is willing to put his whelk stall up as collateral for a retaliatory strike should you carry out your present plan. Knowing Pankracije’s taste for conger I am sure the outcome would not be in your best interests.


Sincerely,

Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law

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