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Date Posted: 23/08/06 10:25am
Author: Mortimer Crumbcake (Panexa�, It's not just for breakfast anymore!)
Subject: Re: Microsoft

Dear Bill,

I see you are already taking Panexa�, it seems to agree with you as your only saying hello guys! good day... rather than the usual "Cap'n.". Panexa�, may be taken any time you see fit. Should you be tired take Panexa�, anxious or nervous take Panexa�, Panexa� may be taken with meals or when your hungry. Until you know the effects of Panexa� do not operate heavy machinery or stick your hand under running lawnmowers. Panexa�, is not a substitute for regular bowel movements and should not be used to wax your car.

We here at MERD want you to use Panexa�, responsibly as we want you to take it for a long, long time. You may see a small increase in the price of Panexa� in the next few months as our supply of the active ingredient has been a little shaky. Above all else do not stop taking Panexa�.

Sincerely,

Mortimer Crumbcake

Senior Sales Representative
MERD Pharmaceutical Group.
"Third World Sales Our Specialty"

PS- The Wombats you are seeing are not imagined!

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Replies:

[> [> Re: Microsoft -- Gobbly Bollocks (43 days Panexa free), 23/08/06 10:50am

Mortimer,

I see you have a healthy respect for Panexa, and this is a concern for me.

You see, after looking at the share register for Merd, I have discovered you have a rather large shareholding. Perhaps this is not an issue, though your constant appearance in Panexa advertising, is interesting. Even that though may be explained away by the concidental snapping of a camera at different locations around the world. I think what does concern me, is when I ring Merd and ask for Mortimer Crumbcake, and they put me through, the phone rings, and you answer. We then go through the "Oh what a coincidence to find you, a newspaper delivery boy, that just happens to be delivering to Merd". Then I ring on three other days of the week, and you're still there, delivering away, just as a Panexa ad comes on the radio and your dulcet tones grace the airwaves.

So I must say that there is very slight suspicion in my mind that all this Panexa promotion has a hint of self interest.

But its just a suspicion.

Isn't it Mortimer?

Gobbly Bollocks

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[> [> [> Re: Microsoft -- Mortimer Crumbcake (We will be keeping and eye on you), 23/08/06 6:24pm

My Good Sir Gobbly Bollocks,

You say you haven�t taken Panexa� for 43 days, well that�s your problem right there! If you had headed the warnings on Panexa�, you would seen the microprint "Above all else do not stop taking Panexa�, Cap'n." we put that there for a reason. Clinical studies have shown stopping Panexa�, results in ringing MERD and asking for me, dark suspicions about my shareholdings and delusions about seeing me in every Panexa� advertisement.

I would suggest you immediately take Panexa�, this should return you attention to the Tootsie Roll that is obviously whispering in your ear and suggesting that I or MERD Pharmaceutical Group do not have your best interests in mind.

Sincerely,

Mortimer Crumbcake

Senior Sales Representative
MERD Pharmaceutical Group.
"Third World Sales Our Specialty"

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[> [> [> [> Re: Microsoft -- Nurse Daisy Smalls, 23/08/06 7:26pm

I`m a black nurse who specialises in the administration to non-blacks of Panexa�
I`ve known white people to suffer terribly after stopping taking their Panexa�. Panexa� and derivitives of Panexa� can cause musclespasms, throatwarbling, intermittent yawning, wastepaper-basket-headbutting and other strange phenonenah.

Panexa� and similar Panexa�`s should`nt be taken lightly neither. There`s no known antidote to Panexa� overdosing but in saying that UNDERDOSING is amost 3 times a bad as OVERDOSING on Panexa�. Panexa� formerly known as S-Panexa� and previously called T-Panexa� was latterly entitled U-Panexa�; V-Panexa�; W-Panexa� and X-Panexa� but prefers to be labelled Panexa� to save confusion and hinderence to dyslexia sufferers and people who can`t pronounce anything other than Panexa�. The aforementioned Panexa� will be hitherto hereafter called Panexa�

My kindest regards
Nurse Daisy Smalls.
P.S. My favourite popstars are:
Michael Jackson, Diana Ross, George Benson, Barry White, Stevie Wonder and Whitney Houston.

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[> [> [> [> [> Re: Microsoft -- Freddy "Laughs in Wind" Flatulence (uncomfortably bloated), 23/08/06 9:27pm

Dear Nurse Daisy,

My regime for taking Panexa is as follows -

Sunday : 2 before breakfast, one after lunch, one at 3:30pm half at 6:00pm, 4 after dinner, 3.5 at 11:30pm
Monday : Same as Sunday except 3 before breakfast, an additional one at 11:00am, two after lunch, omit the one at 3:30 but take six at 3:35, omit 4 after dinner but take 2 instead, and 2.1 at 10:23pm
Tuesday: 1 befor breakfast, but only if having orange juice for breakfast, otherwise 2.3, 6.1 at 9:30am, 4 at 11:23am, 6 at 11:27am, 1 after lunch if I have any food with a 'y' in it, none otherwise, 2 at 2:31pm if I am at work, 1 at 2:34pm, 12 during any meeting in the 3-5pm range, 1 before dinner but taken standing on my head, 6 after dinner taken in the shower or on the toilet, 3 at 9:51pm taken with a glass of olive oil, 3 at 9:52pm taken with a glass of pigs blood, 3 at 9:53pm taken with a scoop of ice cream, 3 at 9:53pm push up my nose, 3 at 9:54 taken rectally.
Wednesday: Same as Tuesday but omit the 1 after lunch and replace with 2 if I went to the toilet more than three times on the previous day, extra 2 at 2:35pm if I am average more than six hour sleep in the last 23 days, and additional 1 after dinner, but taken lying under the car chanting, if I have spoken with a women with red hair in the last 6 months

And so on - its a fairly typical regime though it starts to get difficult on Friday, having to find elephants and other African animals.

Nurse Daisy, is this regime common. Is there some way I can simplify it? I have to print the schedule for Thursday and Friday out and they take both sides of a piece of A4 paper. I don't go out on Saturdays any more because it takes all of my effort on that day to follow my Panexa regime. I breath a sigh of relief on Sunday when it gets simple again.

Nurse Daisy, what can I do?

Freddy

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[> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Microsoft -- Mortimer Crumbcake (MERD Pharmaceutical Group announces new product!), 24/08/06 10:29am

Freddy,

Although you did not mention your ethnic background it seems you are indeed having some problems with the proper dosage of Panexa�, let me be the first to assure you you�re not alone. Clinical studies have shown that 99% of subjects taking Panexa� have a difficult time remembering when to take the next dose. This of course leads to disorientation and in most cases thinking you already took the next dose, so patients taking Panexa� often underdose leading to tragic results.

We here at MERD Pharmaceutical Group are working round the clock to assure that you get the proper dose of Panexa�, that is why we are proud to introduce the "Panexa� Autodose Apparatus" or PAA as we like to call it. Let me explain how the PAA works in conjunction with Panexa�, first you are fitted by a qualified taxidermist who will take many measurements which you would not understand anyway. Then the order is placed and in less than 48 hours a custom made PAA is delivered to your door free of charge*.

The PAA is easy to use and in clinical trials most patients suffered very little **, to use the PAA simply strap it on your back like a scuba tank, attach the power supply and the PAA takes care of the rest. Some patients complained of fatigue and leg pain the first few days, so if the 200KG lead shielded containment tank or the two automotive batteries in the belt pack make movement difficult it is suggested that you lie down right where you are. That is unless you are crossing a busy street.

Once you have fully charged the PAA it makes forgetting Panexa� a thing of the past. Once activated the hydraulics in the PAA immediately draw a dose of Panexa� from the containment tank, and the microprocessor controlled hypodermic system delivers a dose of Panexa� according to a factory set programme. The dosage may be increased by the patient by simply pressing any of the buttons conveniently located on the locking straps.

So you see, you can once again forget about complicated schedules, missed doses and get back to living life again. Panexa� and MERD Pharmaceutical Group will assure it.

Sincerely,

Mortimer Crumbcake

Senior Sales Representative
MERD Pharmaceutical Group.
"Third World Sales Our Specialty"

Notes:
*= Due to shipping restrictions batteries are shipped without electrolyte which must be obtained locally. Average time to charge battery is 37 hours.
**= In tests subjects stopped mentioning pain and became quiet shortly after activation of the PAA. In some cases it was found that silence was a symptom of death which in no way was related to either Panexa� or the PAA and MERD Pharmaceutical Group.

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