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Date Posted: 25/08/06 10:38pm
Author: Professor Barnswallow (No more coconut fur in your meals.)
Subject: KZ-4X

Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to introduce myself. I am Professor Barnswallow and I would like to give you the opportunity to experience the most modern of kitchen appliances.

You may be saying to yourself, I don’t need another appliance to clutter my countertop. You may have been horribly disfigured by a kitchen appliance, had your fingers cut off in a waffle iron but let me assure you this is the one kitchen appliance you need.

You gentlemen out there who are bachelors may be saying, I can boil water on a hot-plate, stir in a packet what do I need with an appliance.

But let me tell you Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the one kitchen appliance no one should be without. Mere description pales in contrast to what you are about to witness, it is a miracle of modern manufacturing combined with Old World craftsmanship.

Let me direct your attention to the sleek lines, the combination of modern and retro styling, and did I mention the powerful 2 cycle motor *.

This is not some inferior kitchen appliance from Taiwan, No! Due to restrictions I cannot divulge the location of the manufacturer but let me assure you this will be the last kitchen appliance you will ever buy.

I can see from the look on your faces your thinking "Professor Barnswallow, tell us what it does!" Well you should be asking what it doesn’t do, this modern miracle kitchen appliance replaces dozens of inferior models.

Ever have trouble getting the last of the mayonnaise out of the jar, no problem.

Lid stuck on the jar of Jam?, ant’s in the sugar bowl?, stale bread? With the KZ-4X these and many other little annoyances are readily removed from your daily life.

The KZ-4X can peel a jar of pickles in just under 4 seconds, remove the shell from an egg without messy hard boiling and if that is not enough consider the included coconut shaving attachment. No more coconut fur in your meals.

Still not convinced? For a limited time if you buy a KZ-4X I will include a second one free! Yes that’s right, absolutely free.

So why don’t you step around to the back of the van and my associate will assist you with your purchase.


Professor Barnswallow

Senior Sales Representative
Bedbeger International
Industrial Supply Sales
Nottingham Region

Formerly of-
MERD Pharmaceutical Group.
"Third World Sales Our Specialty"

* Not recommended for indoor use, risk of carbon monoxide poisoning by running 2 cycle motors indoors.

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Replies:

[> Re: KZ-4X -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. (Sueman, Kneebreaker it's just business), 26/08/06 5:21am

Notice of impending Class Action against Bedbeger International, Professor Barnswallow et all. It has come to the attention of my office that Professor Barnswallow of Bedbeger International has been selling the KZ-4X. Due to the high number of injuries and deaths surrounding the sale and use of the KZ-4X our firm is requesting anyone who has purchased, received as a gift or even seen one contact my office at once.

The deadline for filing and joining this class action suit is 31 August, 2006. The settlement will be divided equally among those who file by this date. You need not provide proof of injury or death or even having seen or used the KZ-4X to apply. However if you have a physical disability that would cause sympathy even if not related to the KZ-4X you are urged to apply.

To date there have been over 300 deaths resulting from coconut shaving alone, thousands of severed appendages and two binding’s.

Remember, there is no reason not to apply. Pensioners are urged to apply immediately. Please include a brief description of how you were harmed by either Bedbeger International, Professor Barnswallow or the KZ-4X.


Sincerely,

Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law

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[> [> Re: KZ-4X -- Meat Free Chicken Casserole, 26/08/06 4:42pm


Consider me as having applied.

Everytime I hit the "store pickle" button its back off to the doctor, answering those stupid questions about "how did a pickle get in there?", and look pretty darn stupid.

After the first time, I thought, this time I'll stand back at a distance and push that button with a broom handle. But the KZ-4x has a very long reach, and before I could get my pants up again, the machine had "stored the pickle".

Well the next time, I stood back even further and used a toy dart gun to the button. At first nothing happened. I cautiously snuck closer, and closer still, until I was standing right beside the machine. Still nothing, and I thought it must be broken. Anyway, that was yesterday, this morning I came out, bent over to get my dinner out of the oven, and fast as lightning, before I knew it, the machine had "stored the pickle". It was like the machine had been waiting, and I whipped around quickly to see the fading image of a smug expression on its display.

So this is the last time I refill its petrol tank.

MFCC

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[> [> [> Re: KZ-4X -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. (Sale on Last Will and Testaments), 26/08/06 7:38pm

MFCC,

Thank you for joining the Class Action against Bedbeger International, Professor Barnswallow et all.

I must caution you however that simply not putting petrol in the "KZ-4X" will not impede it’s operation. It seems the R&D department at Bedbeger International incorporated some technology in anticipation of this. Firstly once the unit is fueled and started it charges a bank of batteries capable of operating the unit for over three years. Should that system fail there is a double redundant backup which can either power the unit by solar power or simply body heat. Tests at an independent lab confirmed that even a creature such as a mouse could provide power for days.

I would suggest you immediately wrap the KZ-4X in aluminum foil to block all solar and IR rays. That is unless you have activated the "untangle stretch wrap" function, if you have done this the KZ-4X will snatch the roll of foil and smooth out any folds.

Unfortunately the fading image of a smug expression on its display is a clear indication the KZ-4X is fully charged and may have already activated "Survival Mode" in which case you may need to burn down your residence.



Sincerely,

Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law

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[> [> Re: KZ-4X -- Marvin, 29/08/06 9:02am

Shortly after receiving my KZ-4X, I fueled it up and as the first task I programmed it to open the jam jar with the stuck lid. It performed perfectly, well except for ripping the door of the refrigerator in getting to the jar. I was pleased until about an hour later I heard a whirring from the kitchen and then an awful sound. It seems the KZ-4X had mistaken my Dachshund for a jam jar and was twisting it’s head off. Try as I might beating the KZ-4X with a mop I could not save Herman, of course as soon as the KZ-4X was done it proceeded to clean up.

In despair I went to the next room to watch the television in hopes of forgetting what just happened to my beloved Dachshund Herman. It was almost too late when I heard the whirring noise again, just in time I leapt to my feet as the whirling knives whizzed past my head. Looking back I could see the LCD display with a maniacal grin and the program "coleslaw" showing. I have been living in fear for weeks now, I can’t even go back to my flat. I can only hope no one goes in there as long as the KZ-4X is still there.

Marvin

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[> [> Re: KZ-4X -- Lester Kozloski (God get this thing off of me!), 29/08/06 10:28am

It was three weeks ago DHL brought the KZ-4X to my door, how happy I was to finally have the ultimate kitchen appliance. I had been to the fishmonger and brought home a right dandy mackerel. After priming and starting the KZ-4X, and with a little tricky adjustment of the choke whilst it was warming up, I set it for "scale fish" as suggested in the 457 page manual. The KZ-4X deftly scaled the fish, filleted it and removed all the bones in less than 2 seconds as advertised. With a deft move it launched the prepared mackerel into the frying pan. Satisfied that the KZ-4X was a "marvel of modern technology" as Professor Barnswallow had promised I retired to the garden to enjoy my Koi pond and meditate.

Without warning the KZ-4X rounded the corner and set to scaling the Koi, in less than 11 seconds the fish I knew and loved had been scaled, de-boned and flung across the garden. The remote control failed to stop it, I found out later was a mass of Wrigley’s gum cleverly molded into the shape of a remote control.

I cannot say I was sorry to see the KZ-4X amble off down toward the river after that, however since then the city council has contacted me and are planning on holding me responsible for the carnage along the river. Apparently my name and address was programmed in at the factory and the KZ-4X announces this every 14 minutes between 2AM and 5AM at 136 decibels.

I hired a local hunter to try and silence it but the KZ-4X is apparently resistant to bullets, not only that but it took the offensive and chased him into the marshland.


Lester Kozloski

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