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Date Posted: 11/01/07 9:58pm
Author: Professor Lincoln B. Tripeman MD
Subject: Fat-U-Ditch Pill

Hello
Here in the laboaratory we have formulated a remarkable fat busting pill which we have called the "Fat-U-Ditch Pill."
Exactly how it works is top secret but basically the pill works by attacking the slobs` metabolic system by way of an antacidant receptor spliced with 2 parts beta caratone and some other gunk!.

We are looking for partners worldwide to work on a commission only basis to market the F.U.D pills to friends family and sumo-wrestler-look-a-like-work-colleagues.

During stringent scientific studies (lasting well over 3 months) we found that of the 4 people we tested who were classed as clinically obese the 3 people concerned lost a combined total weight of 2.6 kilogrammes. Side effects were minimal with only one person dying prematurely and the other 3 critically ill due to toxic poisoning but unrrelated to F.U.D. medication, some weeks later.

If you wish to become involved - and hurry your area may already have gone - simply visit your nearest bookshop and say in a softly spoken effeminate voice "Have you got a book on ancient Chinese herbal medicines by Ding Xiong Lee?"
Yours Sincerely
Professor Lincoln B Tripeman MD
Keen gardener and part-time stage hand at the Old Vic.

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Replies:

[> Re: Fat-U-Ditch Pill -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. (It's The Petroleum !), 12/01/07 9:47am

My good Professor Lincoln B. Tripeman MD,

On behalf of my client Professor Barnswallow, Senior Sales Representative , Bedbeger International, Industrial Supply Sales Nottingham Region I must insist that you immediately cease and desist marketing your "Fat-U-Ditch Pill." AKA "F.U.D. medication".

The good Professor Barnswallow has spent years perfecting his weight loss product and while the exact formula is not disclosed it does affect the metabolic system with a receptor spliced with 2 parts beta carotene and equal parts of kerosene. In clinical tests conducted in third world countries (notorious for bad diets) it was found that less than 12% of the pregnant women who tested the product had miscarriages, indeed fully 90% aborted the fetus in the first hour.

Professor Barnswallow’s product is marketed under the trade name of "U-FAT-BITCH" and it seems likely that your use of "Fat-U-Ditch" is just a clever marketing ploy to steal customers away from Bedbeger International’s flagship product by using a similar sounding product name to confuse the obese and stupid customers. "U-FAT-BITCH" is direct marketed to late night television viewers and by direct mail for a reason, if Bedbeger International were to sell direct through the local chemist they would have no control as to who was taking the product. With Bedbeger International’s marketing plan only lonely, obese and depressed individuals who really need a diet pill that can cause spontaneous abortion, uncontrollable vomiting, rash, hives, scurvy and death in the appropriate dosage can have access to this modern miracle pill. Your appropriation of this formulae for your own profit is unconscionable as you likely have bribed the local petrol station to derive the formulae that you are using.

However should you wish to continue to market your product Professor Barnswallow has agreed to the following terms, for every 100 stone of product ("Fat-U-Ditch Pill." AKA "F.U.D. medication") sold he only asks that you remit £5 to his "charitable cause fund" c/o Cayman Island Bank SA account number X3r42255. This moneys of course will only be used for further research on fat stupid people who need products like U-FAT-BITCH and Die-at-Will our former product.



Sincerely,

Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law

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[> Re: Fat-U-Ditch Pill -- Phil Esteen (Don't touch that doorknob), 20/01/07 5:31am

While Professor Lincoln B Tripeman MD and Professor Barnswallow have seemingly perfected some sort of pharmaceutical "cure" for overweight people. My solution is simpler and not subject to government regulations, in fact whether your just a few pounds overweight or an outright hideous blob of a human being my method will provide instant relief.

Over ten years of research have gone into developing this miracle device, no need for strenuous exercises, no dieting, no counting calories. In my studies conducted on three continents, it was found that this device worked 100% of the time and required nothing more than the test subjects having their eyes open and being conscious. How can this be you ask? Well it’s quite simple, while working my way through school as a youth I would often be in the employ of carnivals as a way to raise tuition. I began to notice portly and outright fat patrons would often stand for long periods of time before certain fun house mirrors. Upon investigating this I found the mirrors that attracted them were all designed to make them look taller and thinner. I immediately thought how I could just provide mirrors such as these to fat people everywhere, I soon realized however the folly of my plan as sooner or later they would have to walk away from the mirror. Decades passed and I pondered the problem vowing to never give up, by chance I was having a pair of spectacles made by a rather old optician when he suffered a stroke and nearly ground the side off the lens. Upon trying the spectacles I immediately noticed everything looked tall and skinny, this dottering old optician had created the answer to my quest.

So now you too can experience the benefits of modern science with "Spec-U-Thin" available in regular, extra chunky and tinted for outdoor use. Not some cheep product made in China, no these cost three times that much and once you try them you will understand. So order a pair today at www. Spec-U-Thin.com.

Phil Esteen
Inventor and compulsive doorknob washer.

Warning : use of Spec-U-Thin while walking, driving or any other activity may lead to death.

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[> [> Re: Fat-U-Ditch Pill -- Professor Lincoln B. Tripeman MD, 26/01/07 11:27pm

Hi Phil

I really think that your glasses will fail abysmally but i`m willing "out of the kindness of my heart" shall we say to offer you an ex gratia payment of £2.50 for sole rights to market the specs in the UK and seldomly Globally?

I have a few suggestions which I feel will help to boost sales of our Spec-U-Thin glasses. My argument, or should I say "Row!" is based upon the scientifically proven fact that a product that is multi-functional will always outsell one that has but a single function. Einstein concurred with this and so did Terry Dibblethwaite at number 23 so it`s definitely correct, end of.

(1)
The Spec-U-Thin glasses will be replica Gucci sunglasses and hence will be extremely popular among the younger slob.

(2)
The Spec-U-Thin glasses will also have X-Ray capabilities thus appealing to perverts and muggers.

(3)
The Spec-U-Thin glasses will also double as a blast furnace and a microwave oven which of course will appeal to the criminal fraternity and trainee chefs.

(4)
The Spec-U-Thin glasses will have a built-in miniturised computer, broadband enabled with a 500 gig harddrive.
(People will buy the The Spec-U-Thin glasses for the computer alone!)

(5)
The Spec-U-Thin glasses will have a built-in tracking device along with a revolver fitted with a silencer to track and deal with those stupid enough to steal Spec-U-Thin glasses.

(6)
Finally our Spec-U-Thin glasses will come in a diamond studded case, alone worth tens of thousands of pounds. But remarkable the Spec-U-Thin glasses + case will retail at a measly £14.99 - sold at all good stores, Boots coming onboard soon too.

let me know what you reckon but make it quick only i`ve lots of other deals on the boil so time is of the essence so to speak.

Best regards

Professor Lincoln B Tripeman Zoological expert and part time collector of fragmented boiled eggsshells, speckled or otherwise.

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[> [> [> Re: Fat-U-Ditch Pill -- Phil Esteen (Has anyone seen my socks?), 27/01/07 4:23pm

My Good Professor Lincoln B Tripeman,

Surely you must be joking, ex gratia payment of £2.50 for sole rights to market the specs in the UK! However you bring up some good points, the Gucci connection, X-ray, microwave/blast furnace, computer, revolver, tracking and diamond studded would slightly increase the marketability of these. But why stop there, I suspect you already have an Asian manufacturing facility ready to flood the market as soon or sooner than I accept your offer.

I would suggest that like Apple Computer we follow their business model and release a basic model, say the one with replica Gucci sunglasses and X-ray capabilities for £300 along with a lavishly staged and produced roll-out of the product in limited quantity. Of course we would need a spokesperson to introduce the product, might I suggest Mel Gibson as I am sure he would do it for a few bottles of scotch or gin. Once the initial "buzz" dies down we announce that a new model will soon be available, delay that one a few times to sell off the remaining inventory and finally roll-out the next one. Like Apple Computer we never really have to say what the "New" model does until it’s available so if the factory screws up we win anyway.

I would further recommend, no outright insist however we do not include lenses in these. I have been testing these for the past few weeks and frankly had all but given up. I keep walking into door frames, fell out of the second floor window twice and down the stair more times than I can count. Last week was especially embarrassing as I had to have my Range Rover winched out of my neighbors duck pond twice.

So with that if you would make the ex gratia payment say £7.50 I will contact my Solicitor straight off and turn over all rights to you. If you have any further questions please contact Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. of Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall as I find their acumen outstanding and their methods impeccable.


Phil Esteen
Inventor and fancier of soft boiled eggs.

PS- I am working on a door knob cleansing device which I hope you may be able to market soon.

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[> [> [> [> Re: Fat-U-Ditch Pill -- Professor Lincoln B. Tripeman MD, 27/01/07 9:50pm

Hi again Phil

I`m glad you like my ideas. Of course it`s no problem for me to raise the ex gratia payment to £7.50. With me it`s never about the money, more about the pleasure I get from seeing something completely worthless sell like hotcakes to the masses. My father said to me when I was about ten years of age, "Son," he said, "Money can buy you lots of thing but one thing money can`t buy is all the wealth in the world!"
I think what he was really saying was once one has X amount of money one should be content with what one already has -
mad bastard my dad!

Can, Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. of Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall be trusted only i`ve heard that a few habeus corpus `corpses` have turned up in the thames weighed down with a blacksmith`s anvil or two in relation to this company? I don`t wish to cast aspersions upon them but do we really need to cut Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. of Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall into the deal?
After all we have our overheads to think of and also our good name to protect..

I think I may have an answer to the problem with the glasses lenses. When we ship the glasses to the customer how about we put in a note along the lines of "We apologise profusely but we are out of lenses at present. We will send you a pair post haste as soon as we receive them from our factory in China." (I hope you agree Phil by mentioning China this indicates tranparency and honesty and the punters will come back to order again and again once they see how sincere we are. Ok, we are selling them a buch of crap but we are upfront and honest about it!

I have taken the liberty of writing to Mel Gibson. I did`nt mention the Spec-U-Thin glasses but craftily I asked him to autograph a blank piece of paper. Little does Mel know that the paper he would have put his moniker to is actually a binding contract between him and us. I will type in the details when he sends the signed piece of paper back.
I can`t say too much at present but let`s just say Mell will be working day and night for us and won`t be getting a bean for his efforts.

I was very sorry to hear about your Range Rover ending up in your neighbour`s duckpond but have you mentioned the wonderments of our Spec-U-Thin glasses to hi or her - after all you have your foot in the door so to speak?

All the best Phil

Professor Lincoln B. Tripeman MD

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[> [> [> [> [> Re: Fat-U-Ditch Pill -- Phil Esteen (Soup! I didn't order any soup!), 27/01/07 10:46pm

My Good Professor Lincoln B. Tripeman MD,

You do seem to be a clever chap so I see no reason why not to put my trust in you. I think we could exclude the Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. of Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall, always wondered why he had me bringing round a few blacksmiths anvil’s to the docks at midnight. Funny he always insisted I wait a few block away till I heard the signal, a small caliber handgun being fired and then drive in straight away without head lamps on. However for what he was paying me I would have swum across the Thames with the bloody things tied to my waistcoat.

Re: Mel Gibson, I do hope he is not in such a state where he can’t sign his name, seems since he go onto the "religious filmmakers" bandwagon he’s been pissed more often than not. Since my Range Rover ended up in my neighbour`s duckpond twice in a weeks time I felt it best not to rush into a sales pitch till things settle down and some of the hedge grows back.

If for some reason Mel Gibson does not supply the needed signature we may need to cut in the Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. of Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall. His associate Anthony Kneebreaker has a way with getting cooperation from almost everyone.

Phil Esteen
Inventor and avid collector of trolley car memorabilia

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[> [> [> [> [> Re: Fat-U-Ditch Pill -- Phil Esteen (Sueman, Kneebreaker it's just business), 28/01/07 11:41am

Lincoln,

Are you really an MD? Reason I ask is it seems the Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. has been following our little plan and well Anthony Kneebreaker just came by and er… cut off my finger. Seems he dropped it into a DHL express delivery package addressed to you. I would be ever so grateful if you could re-attach it at once. Seems like a clean cut but Kneebreaker made some mention of keeping it on ice. I’ll be over as soon as I can staunch the bleeding, I’d drive over now in the Range Rover but it seems I have three flat tyre’s and I’ll have to take a hansom cab to your flat.

Just in case Shlockman has sent someone to your place don’t answer the door till you hear "rutabaga" that will be the password.

Phil Esteen
Inventor, with nine fingers and a penchant for gelatin (especially lime or orange)

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