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Re: Person required to lion-sit (15th advert this year) -- Penelope Thorp, 23/02/07 11:47pm
Dierdre,
Well that is certainly good news, however a 280lb Wildebeast-Per-Day seems a bit extreme, perhaps Arnold could just nosh on a gazelle. They are less fatty and we would not want Arnold to develop any heart or cholesterol problems. As a matter of fact I’ve grown weary of the gnu, so I suppose if Arnold wanted to take out one for lunch now and then it would not be a bother. As for Arnold’s farts being a mere 9.8 decibels I can’t see any problem, how do they smell? Would not want to get on the wrong side of the council again. I also have quite a reserve of port, I know it’s not claret but if I wrap it in a towel while pouring would Arnold really know the difference? Monday will be fine, do I need to get in some kitty litter, say 400-500 pounds and a large trough or does Arnold just use the garden by the roses? Looking foreword to you and Arnold arriving, did I mention I also mind fifteen to twenty toddlers on Mondays. They are always getting into mischief and slipping out while I am busy changing a nappy but I am sure Arnold will be no problem.
Penelope Thorp
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Re: Person required to lion-sit (15th advert this year) -- Dierdre Simpkins, 24/02/07 10:26pm
Penelope
I think I agree, a 280lb Wildebeast-Per-Day is a bit of a big ask. Also, we don`t want to draw unnecessary attention to ourselves, the RSPCA can be very determined in bringing people to justice when it comes to animals being ill-treated. OAP`s, the destitute and war veterans can stuff themselves, but poor helpless animals..
There are a few other items you will need to obtain to ensure that Arnold has a good time during his stay with you, please see the list below:-
(1)
One dustbin-lid sized, shatter-proofed, saucer,
with "ARNIOLD" engraved in 24kt gold on the side.
(2)
One very large scratching post (a giant redwood or oak tree should suffice).
(3)
A daily supply of "live" meat. Minuimum amount 280lbs, maximum amount 975lbs.
(4)
Seven, in-season, lionesses. Have these stolen from your local zoo and/or circus, if necessary.
(5)
One mammoth cat-flap for the barn door of the barn that you will need to have erected for Arnold to snooze in. (Tip)Gypsies or the traveling fraternity come very cheap. Also, they won`t be missed too much if Arnold fancies a mid afternoon snack or two. Arnold will be performing a public service.
(6)
One large raincoat. Ideally burberry if not camouflaged.
(7)
One hundred Macdonalds banana milkshakes. Arnold loves banana milkshakes. Note, don`t buy strawberry ones by mistake as he`s liable to go berserk and who knows what will happen.
(8)
The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe book. Arnold loves to have this read to him at bedtimes.
Anyway I hope it won`t pose too much of a problem getting the above items. The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe book can be purchased from most good bookshops, or even Amazon if you`re pushed.
PS when can I deliver Arnold?
Sincerely
Dierdre S
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Re: Person required to lion-sit (15th advert this year) -- Penelope Thorp, 25/02/07 4:59pm
Dierdre,
What a stroke of luck, the "travelers" were by here the other day, they knocked on my door and offered to build me a barn! When I mentioned the council and permits and all that other nasty stuff, he told me never you mind they would build me a camouflage barn for £500. Well at those rates how could I pass up such an opportunity, they put up a large sheet to shield their activity and went to work. There was an awful din of sawing and hammering coming from that area but within the hour as promised they removed the sheet and you could not tell there was even a barn there. Then they drove off in that peculiar lorry with the changeable magnetic signs and the two large trumpet loudspeakers on the roof, I suppose they use them to announce their arrival in a new town. I trust they will come by again so I can have the cat flap installed.
Where can I purchase the dustbin-lid sized, shatter-proofed, saucer, with "ARNIOLD" engraved in 24kt gold on the side? Would Harrods carry them? I do by chance have a Burberry raincoat passed down to me from my great great grand-mum it might be an original. The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe book I’ve just finished reading, and there are several century old oaks Arnold could use as scratching posts. The Seven, in-season, lionesses might be a slight problem but I’ll talk to the lads that are always down by the alleyway, they seem like they would be suited for such a task.
As I said previously, the Gnu’s are becoming a bother so if Arnold were to nosh them all I would not mind in the least. Would "Burger King" banana shakes do, there’s one right down the road and MacDonalds is clear across town. Of course I could always pop round to the greengrocer and get a few crate of fresh banana and make Arnold’s milkshakes myself.
I was mentioning Arnold to Mrs. Brown from number 34 over tea and she seemed to think I would also need a pith helmet, wooden chair, whip and a revolver, I can’t for the life of me understand why.
Looking forward to meeting Arnold, I’ll leave the latch off the door so should I not be around when you come by just let yourself in and feel free to just leave Arnold in the parlor.
Penelope Thorp
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Re: Person required to lion-sit (15th advert this year) -- Death Notice:, 2/03/07 2:44am
Death Notice,
Mrs. Penelope Thorp was found dead today in her parlor, an apparent victim of a lion attack. A neighbor Mrs. Brown from number 34 said it was a miracle no one else was hurt as Mrs. Penelope Thorp also was known to mind toddlers during the week. The authorities have not yet excluded the possibility of other victims as the scene was littered with what appeared to be the shredded remains of at least 14 wildebeests. PC Roberts who discovered the body said that results will not be back from the lab until at least the end of the month and only then DNA will decide whether there were more human victims. The lion has not been located, however the authorities would like to talk with a Dierdre Simpkins who allegedly owned the lion.
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Re: Person required to lion-sit (15th advert this year) -- Dierdre Simpkins, 2/03/07 9:06pm
To whom it may concern
It has been brought to my attention that someone purporting to be me has been posting messages on this site claiming to need a lion-sitter. Further to this I also understand that sadly one Penelope Thorp has been found dead and `Arnold` (the alleged lion) has gone missing and that the authorities would like to talk to Dierdre Simpkins.
I would like to state categorically that I now no longer own a lion and that I have never posted messages on this board advertising for a person to lion-sit for me. To make matters worse and by an amazing coincidence I did in fact own a lion but sold it some weeks ago one evening to a gentleman who gave his name as Fred Smith from Worksop. I can give no description of this person other than he was a white male, about 5`6" to 6`4" tall and he spoke with a thick irish accent. I did notice that he had greyish mid-length hair which was poking out from beneath the shamrock green cap he wore on his head but other than that my mind is a blank i`m afraid.
The gentleman or should I say `suspect concerned` gave the full asking price for Arnold (Yes! Yes! I know, another weird coincidence but remember someone wins the lottery most weeks damnit!). Anyway.. after paying me the asking price of £500 the suspect proceeded to bundle Arnold into the back of a transit type van, white in colour I think, and then sped-off leaving a trail of smoke behind him. I think the number plate began or ended with an `L` - can`t be sure though.
Having discussed the situation with my solicitor I have been advised not to comment but I thought it was best to be as upfront as I can and put you all in the picture regarding this matter hence this message posting. If it comes to a police interview I can say that this message is proof beyond all reasonable doubt that I am innocent of all charges
Yours Sincerely
Dierdre Simpkins
Wildebeat meat for sale: £20 a kilo. Good for barbecues and barmitzvahs.
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Re: Person required to lion-sit (15th advert this year) -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. (Panexa™, better than a law library!), 3/03/07 4:30pm
My dear learned friend Archibald Scroat QC,
It certainly does not bode well for your client Miss Dierdre Simpkins, while I never met her personally one of my staff delivered a crate of ring tailed lemurs to her not long ago. While I only requested £10 for the lot just to cover the petrol, when my man arrived he found a envelop with £50 inside and a note asking him to just split the crate open and push it over the garden wall.
Your Miss Dierdre Simpkins does seem to be in a bit of a predicament but with such a respected firm representing her I would venture she may not have too many decades as "Guest of the Crown". It does seem she is coming a bit unraveled noting her letter denying any involvement and the offer of wildebeest meat for sale. So I would recommend before you go round to the Fulchester police station tomorrow, you should have her ingest as much MERD PHARMACEUTICALS Panexa™ as she can stomach. I have found that when my clients have been wrongly accused simply taking a large dose of Panexa™ results in them being more relaxed and not incriminating themselves. The mild side effects are a small price to pay, don’t be alarmed if Miss Simpkins calls you Cap’n and thinks your a giant Tootsie Roll.
If you local chemist does not have any Panexa™ send someone round as I stocked up last year once I discovered how well it worked.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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