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Date Posted: 17/05/06 3:56am
Author: Inspector Dunnit
Subject: Re: Missing: Edward Franks Kelsone
In reply to:
Hounty Bunter
's message,
"Missing: Edward Franks Kelsone" on
17/05/06 3:39am
I just thought I would chime in here to give you an idea of what sort of person Edward is. He is wanted in connection with a violation of the 1973 "Illegal Concorde Impersonations" Act.
Edward was recently arrested at Heathrow Aiport having illegally impersonated a concorde. He made out that he was flight EFK1234 bound for New York. At 10:00pmGST he led 120 passengers out of the terminal, and taxied them to the runway in preparation for takeoff. It was only when ATC realised he had not filed a flight plan, that his venture became unstuck.
There was all sorts of trouble - 120 people went berserk and ran everywhere - the airport had to be shutdown. The tarmac crew had to be sent out to the runway to pick up all of the baggage from the overhead lockers, and catering had to go and pick up the meals, which by this time had gone cold. While all this was going on, Edward continued to commit the crime of concorde impersonation by standing on the runway with arms outstretched making jet engine noises. ATC kept him busy, by refusing take off clearance, while the runway was cleaned up. Finally the mobile stairs were bought out, Edward was boarded, and towed back to the terminal.
The loose ends from incident include -
* a board of enquiry has been set up by the airline in question, to determine where its missing concorde has gone
* the airport is suing said airline for fees relating to use of the runway and terminal facilities
* the concorde maintenance facility is trying to determine what maintenance was done on Edward last night in the hangar
* ATC is trying to determine which airport he was at before he flew into Heathrow.
In short, this man created chaos.
I urge you to contact police if you have any information regarding Edward, and to check carefully before boarding any flights on concorde at the airport.
Concorde impersonation is a serious crime and it must be stamped out!
Insp. Dunnit.
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Replies:[> [>
Survivors of Impersonated Concordes (SIC) -- Mrs Hedgehog Cheese Nose,
17/05/06 11:34am
Mr Kelsone, ruined my life, he did.
I was on board flight EFK1234 when this happened.
It was a wonderful clear night and we were all excited as this was our first concorde flight. We boarded early and I commented about the lack of seats but the pilot said not to worry, and that all concordes were built this way.
We taxied out to the runway, and I noticed it was a bit windy, and my carry on baggage was getting heavy. It was also very noisy as a jumbo jet was right behind us waiting to take off.
Then it happened. A policeman with a loud speaker walked up and said those words I'll never forget "Ladies and Gentlemen please remain calm, you have boarded a concorde impersonator". Well I looked around and only then did it hit me - this wasn't a real concorde - I went berserk trying to get out the exit door. There were people screaming, running all directions into the night. The runway was a mess with bags and inflight magazines everywhere. I must have fainted and eventually woke up in hospital.
I have since started getting my life back together, and have attended the weekly meetings of the "Survivors of Impersonated Concordes" (SIC). It took a long time for me to accept it, but now I can say "I boarded a make believe plane" without too much difficulty.
I don't know if I will ever fly again, and mores the pity, it was such a beautiful looking plane.
regards
Mrs Nose
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World Wide Aviation Investigation Authority Body Organisation Thingy -- Department of Impersonation Investigations,
18/05/06 12:03am
We here at the FAA take aircraft impersonation very seriously.
Regarding flight EFK1234, we are taking the following actions -
1. Investigation of the impersonated aircraft - serial #'s, origin, owning airline etc ..
2. Maintenance record, and interviewing maintenance personnel
3. Reviewing finance arrangements for this aircraft, eg leased or owned
4. Probability of actual departure, ie what was the likely hood that Edward would actually get airborne with 120 passengers before the end of the runway. We have a large department of engineers working on this.
5. Seating configuration - how many in first vs. economy class etc ..
The answer to these questions and more will be revealed in our final report.
Mr. Bygosh Itflies
World Wide Aviation Investigation Authority Body Organisation Thingy
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Insurance Investigation - Public Enquiry -- Nevapay Insurance,
18/05/06 12:19am
Nevapay Insurance has received a formal claim from the owning airline for the loss of one concorde. We strongly deny claims by the press that if we delay the payout for forty years, the payout value in real terms, will amount to the cost of a packet of cigarettes. That aside, we do not encourage claims of less than $US10million, as in forty years, that amount will not pay for the postage stamp, on your claim cheque.
In the interests of not tying this whole thing up in paperwork for the next forty years, we invite everyone and anyone who might have a claim, no matter how minor, regarding this incident to file it via this forum.
When filing you need to supply -
Part 1. Your name and address
P2. The names, address, and demographic profile of any living relative, including their health history and names of all friends.
P3. The names of any people with who you have discussed this incident with, and anyone to whom you have mentioned the word 'concorde', in the last fifty years.
P4. The addresses and demographic profile for all of those people you list in P3.
P5. The basis for your claim, including the details both financial and demographic, for any commercial entities that are relevant to your claim.
P6. A detailed sketch or photo of all relevant scenes, preferably a re-enactment of the situation, made by professional actors and produced by the BBC.
As you can see we have tried to make the claim submission process as simple as possible. Claims may be submitted via ordinary post to our office in Zimbabwe. We anticipate acknowledgement of receipt of your claim within the next ten years, and processing of said claim within thirty years thereafter. Mumbashwe, the head off our Zimbabwe office, will be handling the entire claim process. To expidite speedy processing we will soon be purchasing a typewriter, and sending her to English language classes - as soon as we can get in touch with her.
Anonymous
Nevapay Insurance
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