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Date Posted: 17/05/06 3:39am
Author: Hounty Bunter
Subject: Missing: Edward Franks Kelsone

Last seen heading in an east-westerly direction using a map made from a toasted egg and bacon sandwhich.

Other identifying characteristics -

1. Wears a slice of cheddar cheese on his head, but changes this to brie, every second Thursday.

2. A vest of body armour to protect against mosquitoes.

3. Wears snow shoes at all times in case of unexpected snow

Unfortunately Edward has been hard to spot as he fits right in with just about any crowd. Police have been out every second Thursday, offering glasses of red wine to suspects, because as we know, red wine does not go with brie. They almost apprehended him, two weeks ago, but were foiled by an unexpected snow storm.

If you have any further information regarding this person, please leave a confidential message on this board. Oh, and no weirdos please!

PS. The egg and bacon sandwhich is wanted for questioning.

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Replies:

[> Re: Missing: Edward Franks Kelsone -- Inspector Dunnit, 17/05/06 3:56am


I just thought I would chime in here to give you an idea of what sort of person Edward is. He is wanted in connection with a violation of the 1973 "Illegal Concorde Impersonations" Act.

Edward was recently arrested at Heathrow Aiport having illegally impersonated a concorde. He made out that he was flight EFK1234 bound for New York. At 10:00pmGST he led 120 passengers out of the terminal, and taxied them to the runway in preparation for takeoff. It was only when ATC realised he had not filed a flight plan, that his venture became unstuck.

There was all sorts of trouble - 120 people went berserk and ran everywhere - the airport had to be shutdown. The tarmac crew had to be sent out to the runway to pick up all of the baggage from the overhead lockers, and catering had to go and pick up the meals, which by this time had gone cold. While all this was going on, Edward continued to commit the crime of concorde impersonation by standing on the runway with arms outstretched making jet engine noises. ATC kept him busy, by refusing take off clearance, while the runway was cleaned up. Finally the mobile stairs were bought out, Edward was boarded, and towed back to the terminal.

The loose ends from incident include -
* a board of enquiry has been set up by the airline in question, to determine where its missing concorde has gone
* the airport is suing said airline for fees relating to use of the runway and terminal facilities
* the concorde maintenance facility is trying to determine what maintenance was done on Edward last night in the hangar
* ATC is trying to determine which airport he was at before he flew into Heathrow.

In short, this man created chaos.

I urge you to contact police if you have any information regarding Edward, and to check carefully before boarding any flights on concorde at the airport.

Concorde impersonation is a serious crime and it must be stamped out!

Insp. Dunnit.


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[> [> Survivors of Impersonated Concordes (SIC) -- Mrs Hedgehog Cheese Nose, 17/05/06 11:34am


Mr Kelsone, ruined my life, he did.

I was on board flight EFK1234 when this happened.

It was a wonderful clear night and we were all excited as this was our first concorde flight. We boarded early and I commented about the lack of seats but the pilot said not to worry, and that all concordes were built this way.

We taxied out to the runway, and I noticed it was a bit windy, and my carry on baggage was getting heavy. It was also very noisy as a jumbo jet was right behind us waiting to take off.

Then it happened. A policeman with a loud speaker walked up and said those words I'll never forget "Ladies and Gentlemen please remain calm, you have boarded a concorde impersonator". Well I looked around and only then did it hit me - this wasn't a real concorde - I went berserk trying to get out the exit door. There were people screaming, running all directions into the night. The runway was a mess with bags and inflight magazines everywhere. I must have fainted and eventually woke up in hospital.

I have since started getting my life back together, and have attended the weekly meetings of the "Survivors of Impersonated Concordes" (SIC). It took a long time for me to accept it, but now I can say "I boarded a make believe plane" without too much difficulty.

I don't know if I will ever fly again, and mores the pity, it was such a beautiful looking plane.

regards

Mrs Nose


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[> [> World Wide Aviation Investigation Authority Body Organisation Thingy -- Department of Impersonation Investigations, 18/05/06 12:03am


We here at the FAA take aircraft impersonation very seriously.

Regarding flight EFK1234, we are taking the following actions -
1. Investigation of the impersonated aircraft - serial #'s, origin, owning airline etc ..
2. Maintenance record, and interviewing maintenance personnel
3. Reviewing finance arrangements for this aircraft, eg leased or owned
4. Probability of actual departure, ie what was the likely hood that Edward would actually get airborne with 120 passengers before the end of the runway. We have a large department of engineers working on this.
5. Seating configuration - how many in first vs. economy class etc ..

The answer to these questions and more will be revealed in our final report.

Mr. Bygosh Itflies
World Wide Aviation Investigation Authority Body Organisation Thingy


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[> [> Insurance Investigation - Public Enquiry -- Nevapay Insurance, 18/05/06 12:19am


Nevapay Insurance has received a formal claim from the owning airline for the loss of one concorde. We strongly deny claims by the press that if we delay the payout for forty years, the payout value in real terms, will amount to the cost of a packet of cigarettes. That aside, we do not encourage claims of less than $US10million, as in forty years, that amount will not pay for the postage stamp, on your claim cheque.

In the interests of not tying this whole thing up in paperwork for the next forty years, we invite everyone and anyone who might have a claim, no matter how minor, regarding this incident to file it via this forum.

When filing you need to supply -

Part 1. Your name and address
P2. The names, address, and demographic profile of any living relative, including their health history and names of all friends.
P3. The names of any people with who you have discussed this incident with, and anyone to whom you have mentioned the word 'concorde', in the last fifty years.
P4. The addresses and demographic profile for all of those people you list in P3.
P5. The basis for your claim, including the details both financial and demographic, for any commercial entities that are relevant to your claim.
P6. A detailed sketch or photo of all relevant scenes, preferably a re-enactment of the situation, made by professional actors and produced by the BBC.

As you can see we have tried to make the claim submission process as simple as possible. Claims may be submitted via ordinary post to our office in Zimbabwe. We anticipate acknowledgement of receipt of your claim within the next ten years, and processing of said claim within thirty years thereafter. Mumbashwe, the head off our Zimbabwe office, will be handling the entire claim process. To expidite speedy processing we will soon be purchasing a typewriter, and sending her to English language classes - as soon as we can get in touch with her.

Anonymous
Nevapay Insurance


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[> Re: Missing: Edward Franks Kelsone -- C.R.A.C.K.E.D. & M.A.D. International, 18/05/06 1:39am

On Behalf of,
Creative Reenactment of Anglican Concorde Kansas city European Departures and
Manic Aircraft Demonstrators International

I would like to say some words, as ATC realized he had not filed a flight plan they certainly did the right thing. I suppose the police using the bullhorn was the ultimate cause of passenger panic, and in retrospect they should have just informed Mr. Edward Franks Kelsone that there was some lost luggage and directed him to taxi to the jet-way where passengers could be safely unloaded.

Mr. Edward Franks Kelsone, I might add was never a member of either C.R.A.C.K.E.D. & M.A.D. International, we conduct extensive background checks on ALL of our members to prevent such incidents as described. That is exactly why Creative Reenactment of Anglican Concorde Kansas city European Departures was formed so as not to confuse the public as any twit knows the Concorde never flew to Kansas City.

We at C.R.A.C.K.E.D. & M.A.D. International are appalled by Mr. Edward Franks Kelsone’s actions and the undue distress this incident has caused the public. Our organizations pride ourselves in our superior safety record, with over 30,000 flights from Heathrow Airport alone in everything from a Wright Flyer to a Airbus 300 we have never lost a passenger or their luggage. So there BOAC, American Airlines and Pan American.

Passengers wishing to book flights on either C.R.A.C.K.E.D. or M.A.D. International should consult a travel advisor and book through them, there have been a increase in rogue operators such as Virgin Atlantic in recent years who fleece passengers and actually leave them stranded in New York City.

Brian Throppington Jr.
Public Relations


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[> [> Re: Missing: Edward Franks Kelsone -- Sedgwick Beezwax Snr, 18/05/06 12:16pm

I represent the UK Branch for The Royal National Society For
Ex-Aeroplane Impersonators *(A.R.G.O.N). I hope you don`t think i`m poking my nose in but I think I can help with the sad predicament you find yourselves in. In 1968 we were in a joint-intelligence operation with Air Turkey which climaxed in one Steven Jeffries being shot down over Ankora airport. Mr Jeffries was suffering from a rare form of "Aircraft Impersonation Disorder" (A.I.D.) to such an extent that eventually, and much to everyone`s shock and horror at the time, caused him to metamorphosise occasionally into a WW2 Lancaster B Bomber. Based on our dreadful experiences at the time I am of the humble opinion that Mr Edward Franks Kelsone has the same affliction and I would like to offer my services to help locate him and shoot him out of the sky. I must pre-warn you that if you decide to take this highly recommended course of action you may be liable to a fine of at least £500,000 or a term of not less than 15 years inprisonment or both. The above penalities can and will be handed down by the Turkish Government and can be increased without warning or written notice. Based on the above facts if you would be interested in us joining forces together to rid the airways of this menace please reply at your soonest and I will set things in motion namely by getting my secretary Jim to set-up a draft contract for your very kind perusal.
* A.R.G.O.N. is a bogus "decoy" anagram as we are an ultra secretive organization.
Sincerely
Sedgwick Beezwax Snr AKA Studwick Stipple Jnr
(C)


[ Edit | View ]

[> [> [> Re: Missing: Edward Franks Kelsone -- Inspector Dunnit, 19/05/06 5:12am

Mr Beezwax Snr,

I thank your for your kind offer.

To avoid the inconvenience of a Turkish prison, would it be possible to conduct this operation in another country?

Insp. Dunnit

>I represent the UK Branch for The Royal National
>Society For
>Ex-Aeroplane Impersonators *(A.R.G.O.N). I hope you
>don`t think i`m poking my nose in but I think I can
>help with the sad predicament you find yourselves in.
>In 1968 we were in a joint-intelligence operation with
>Air Turkey which climaxed in one Steven Jeffries being
>shot down over Ankora airport. Mr Jeffries was
>suffering from a rare form of "Aircraft Impersonation
>Disorder" (A.I.D.) to such an extent that eventually,
>and much to everyone`s shock and horror at the time,
>caused him to metamorphosise occasionally into a WW2
>Lancaster B Bomber. Based on our dreadful experiences
>at the time I am of the humble opinion that Mr Edward
>Franks Kelsone has the same affliction and I would
>like to offer my services to help locate him and shoot
>him out of the sky. I must pre-warn you that if you
>decide to take this highly recommended course of
>action you may be liable to a fine of at least
>£500,000 or a term of not less than 15 years
>inprisonment or both. The above penalities can and
>will be handed down by the Turkish Government and can
>be increased without warning or written notice. Based
>on the above facts if you would be interested in us
>joining forces together to rid the airways of this
>menace please reply at your soonest and I will set
>things in motion namely by getting my secretary Jim to
>set-up a draft contract for your very kind perusal.
>* A.R.G.O.N. is a bogus "decoy" anagram as we are an
>ultra secretive organization.
>Sincerely
>Sedgwick Beezwax Snr AKA Studwick Stipple Jnr
>(C)


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[> [> Re: Missing: Edward Franks Kelsone -- Constable Stiffupper, 19/05/06 5:08am

>On Behalf of,
>Creative Reenactment of Anglican Concorde Kansas city
>European Departures and
>Manic Aircraft Demonstrators International
>
>I would like to say some words, as ATC realized he had
>not filed a flight plan they certainly did the right
>thing. I suppose the police using the bullhorn was the
>ultimate cause of passenger panic, and in retrospect
>they should have just informed Mr. Edward Franks
>Kelsone that there was some lost luggage and directed
>him to taxi to the jet-way where passengers could be
>safely unloaded.
>

I should like to object to your callous remarks, Sir. As a member of the airport constabulary present at this incident I will say that it was handled with the utmost professionalism. Our aviation specialists determined that the aircraft was in no condition to taxi and was significantly overweight. The safest course of action was determined to be an emergency evacuation of all involved.

I should add that I am in no way offended by your remarks, and would like avoid personal insults and slurs in this public discussion, you slimey two faced weasel headed half breed pus sucking git!

Constable Stiffupper


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[> [> [> Re: Missing: Edward Franks Kelsone -- Brian Throppington Jr., 19/05/06 5:30pm

My Dear Constable Stiffupper,

How perceptive of you, your description "you slimey two faced weasel headed half breed pus sucking git!" is spot on. That is precisely why I am in Public Relations and you a member of the airport constabulary. I would also like to keep this civil, name calling and character assassination has no place here.

I suppose if I had been born to poor parents of dubious national origins, had a real penchant for taking bribes and sadistic streak that would make the Marquis himself green with envy I might have taken up being a airport constable myself. Well we really should get together for a pint or two sometime and perhaps you would like to see my truncheon collection.


Brian Throppington Jr.
Public Relations
C.R.A.C.K.E.D. & M.A.D. International


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[> [> [> Patient Notification - Sufferers of Hyper Internet Turette Syndrome -- Doctor Quacksalot, 19/05/06 8:22pm


Hold it right there.

I, Doctor Quacksalot, should like to point out that Constable Stiffupper suffers from Hyper Internet Turette Syndrome, and is part of the Sufferers of Hyper Internet Turette Syndrome group.

Ignore anything he has to say - he tries to keep it on a professional level but can't help himself and has to insult the recipient of his message. A daily treatment regime is available to alleviate the symptoms, though because it involves inserting a catfish into ones rectum, it is unpopular.

I also suffer from this problem, but have managed, through sheer will power, to keep it under control, you filthy badgers bottom grob snobbler.

Regards

Doctor Quacksalot


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[> [> [> [> Re: Patient Notification - Sufferers of Hyper Internet Turette Syndrome -- Archie Doright, 19/05/06 8:47pm


You bastards, you've helped me a lot.

Until you filth mongering clot heads came along I couldn't even go out in public.

Sufferers of Hyper Internet Turette Syndrome have change my life, the whole snot nosed badger vomit pus sucker lot of them.

And that pin headed turkey testicle dork dabbler Dr. Quacksalot has been a real friend.

Archie Doright


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[> [> [> [> [> Re: Patient Notification - Sufferers of Hyper Internet Turette Syndrome -- Doctor Quacksalot, 19/05/06 8:48pm

Thankyou Archie, its very good of you to say so.

You seem to be improving, you fat hob snobbling piece of lard.

Regards

Doctor Quacksalot

>
>You bastards, you've helped me a lot.
>
>Until you filth mongering clot heads came along I
>couldn't even go out in public.
>
>Sufferers of Hyper Internet Turette Syndrome have
>change my life, the whole snot nosed badger vomit pus
>sucker lot of them.
>
>And that pin headed turkey testicle dork dabbler Dr.
>Quacksalot has been a real friend.
>
>Archie Doright


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[> [> [> [> [> [> Re: Patient Notification - Sufferers of Hyper Internet Turette Syndrome -- Melodie Heathen, 20/05/06 1:57pm

You`re all a load of poncefaced, pugnosed, peabrained, clotheared, handelbar moustached, donutheads. If you want aggro bring it on bruvs. Come to the Alma Arms tonight and me and my hombres will wipe the floor with you!


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