| Subject: Yup, been there |
Author:
Bill Nelson
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Date Posted: 15:16:43 06/20/02 Thu
In reply to:
Ben
's message, "Hello all" on 00:03:18 03/20/02 Wed
My mom was diagnosed with cancer about 6 years ago. She had just stopped smoking when she developed a cough. The cough didnt seem to be much of a problem but it persisted for some time and, eventually, she began coughing up trace amounts of blood.
Thats when she went to the doctor.
They found cancer in her lungs and were debating on whether or not to remove a lung when they realized it was actually in the bone. I was living in California at the time (my parents in Virginia) when I got this news from my dad.
It was about 3 or 4 months after the diagnosis that I finally made it back to Va to visit my parents. My dad up until that point had been telling me it was "no big deal" and "not to worry" and all three of us believed (or wanted to believe) it.
I was shocked when I met my mom at the airport. She looked fine but had no hair. She was in good spirits, had been going through chemo and for the most part seemed fine. But the hair loss scared me. Just kind of drove home how serious cancer and chemo is.
I spent a wekk with them and all was fine. My mom seemed her old self and when I left I did actually believe all would be fine in the end.
When I left she began crying at the airport. That was only the second time I had ever seen her cry and it scared me. I knew then she may have been thinking she "would never see me again".
It wasnt but a week after i got back to California that my dad called and said my mom had had a siezure that morning. They did tests and found the cancer had moved to her brain. What pissed me off most of all though (and my dad) was that he had just given her a fresh cup of coffee when she had the seizure. It spilled all over her legs and she received VERY bad burns from it.
That fucking pissed me off. I thought "goddammit, heres a woman suffering from cancer and she had to spill burning hot coffee on her legs besides??!!". Hard to explain.
Anyway, when we found the cancer had moved to her brain we knew things were serious.
I moved back to Va.
Over the course of one year my mom went from discovering she had cancer to a complete vegetable. Things got bad REAL fast. They doped her up on some serious medications and increased the chemo.
I remember vividly having to spoon feed my own mom because she couldnt do it.
I remember my dad having to "clean her up" in the bathroom because she'd lose control. She even ended up wearing diapers.
I remember, and I laugh when I think about it, how GLORIOUS she thought food was. All food. Maybe it was the medication or something but every time me or my dad fed her she would go nuts. Everything was the best thing she had ever eaten.
I remember how strong my mom was even when she knew it was all over.
I rememebr the pain my mom exhibited when they would give her the chemo.
I remember my mom asking me (but not able to comprehend my answers) about what I was going to do when I "grew up" and what was I going to be like. Was I going to college, finding a wife and having kids?
That tore me up because I didnt know the answers. She wanted me to explain the rest of my life to her so she wouldnt have to miss it by dying.
I remember her asking me "why did I have to get this?"
My dad and I went out one day "shopping" for grave sites. We ended up buying three across from Michie Tavern, near Monticello....home of Thomas Jefferson. One for my mom, my dad and me.
We came home that day to my grandmother bursting out the door...
"somethings wrong! somethings wrong!"
We rushed inside to my moms room (who was now on a hospital bed and hooked up to morphine-which they had started her on the night before).
She was choking.
I stood and watched as my mom died in front of me and my dad tried all he could to save her. She had an oxygen tank near and my dad tried frantically to get it on her face.
The Hospice nurse came over a few minutes later and pronounced her dead. Apparently her lungs had collapsed and she "drowned" in her own blood.
My dad spent a few minutes alone with her in the room and then allowed me to go in and see her. For the first time since my mom was diagnosed with cancer I cried. I cried hard. I lost control. I just stared at her thinking she was playing with us and that at any moment she would turn to me and say "boo!".
That was about 6 years ago.
What did I learn from all this? Whats my advice for you?
#1. Life is unfair.
#2. Be mad.
#3. Be sad.
#4. Cry when ya need to.
#5. Feel guilty.
#6. Question yourself, God...whoever. Ask "why?!"
#7. Regret.
#8. And then remember the good times you had and remember that life is a struggle and often times not fun. I like to think that my mom IS in a better place and that she is no longer suffering. Not just suffering from cancer but not having to suffer with life as well. Traffic jams, poverty, disease, air polution, etc etc etc etc etc etc.
Do what you have to to cope. Do what you need to to cope and dont listen to some smoke-up-your-ass shit like "God works in mysterious ways" because you know as well as I that it doesnt matter what anyone (even God) thinks.
Its unfair and it fuckin sucks. And THATS reality.
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