Re: Can we stay friends -- Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

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Date Posted: 12:09:29 05/26/16 Thu
Author: Susan
Subject: Re: Can we stay friends
In reply to: Ashley 's message, "Can we stay friends" on 15:12:10 05/25/16 Wed

Thanks for sharing Ashley. I'm so happy for you that things ended CALMLY because you're important too. I completely agree with that others have shared here.

I too believe you should focus on YOU first. It's normal to hesitate about disclosing the gay thing. It's embarrassing after all. But I guarantee you won't die if you talk about it. So reach out to friends, family or perhaps even a professional. Please don't fall into the trap of keeping his secrets, particularly after a break up. Secrets are toxic.

With regards to staying friends, I'd ask people who care about you the same question: "Should we remain friends?" Many of them probably already doubted he was gay and I'm sure part of his family already know. My feeling is staying friends right after a break up is a bit too explosive a situation for anyone...and even more so if you're ex is gay. You've just broken up which is painful enough so you don't want to be caught in the trap of working through his coming out when you too still need support.

Once you've worked through the pain, anger, and obsessive thinking that naturally follow any break up, perhaps you'll then be ready to make contact again with your ex if you want. But keep asking yourself: is this the best thing for me? I've often read that 90 days is a good amount of time to go no contact before getting back in touch.

From what I've read here, we straight spouses/partners tend to be nurturers and healers. So it's normal for you to want to be there for your ex. But I'd caution you to be there for yourself FIRST. Once you've healed and moved on, only then will you be ready to meet someone else or eventually help your ex-boyfriend.

I hope that helps in some way. Good luck!

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Replies:

Re: Can we stay friends -- Ashley, 00:02:21 05/27/16 Fri