Re: Husbands bisexual confession after 10 years -- Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

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Date Posted: 14:57:39 03/26/16 Sat
Author: Cameron
Subject: Re: Husbands bisexual confession after 10 years
In reply to: Alison 's message, "Husbands bisexual confession after 10 years" on 16:18:18 03/25/16 Fri

Although the dictionary definition for "bisexual" is simple and clear, the reality is that actions define it, not words. If your husband admits to having sex with more than 30 men, and far fewer women than that, those numbers represent just how bisexual he is. His push for an open marriage is not a casual request. If you do not agree, he will cheat eventually (if not already). His attraction to men is permanent, powerful and fundamental to who he is.

The lying is also directly connected to his sexuality. Being dishonest begins as a means of social and emotional survival, often learned in the early teens. By adulthood it becomes core to a closeted person's personality - and they frequently don't realize it. Lying and hiding have become such an everyday thing, to them it feels completely normal. It's such a ingrained behavior that there's no quick cure. Pathological liars must be aggressively determined to retrain themselves. They must be mindful of everything they say and hide, then force themselves to do the complete opposite of what feels natural, which is to bury and deflect. To break the cycle, they have to be extremely motivated and self-aware. Even then, it's not easy. Honesty brings discomfort, why relentlessly pursue it? Unless your husband is determined to be 100% honest, lying will remain core to who he is.

There is no upside for a man to be attracted to other men. Given a choice, any man who is already married to a woman would NEVER want to have that attraction. But it's not a choice.

The emotional aspects are, however. Relationships aren't easy. They require work. They require the desire to make them work. So, when a bisexual man says he's not emotionally attracted to men, he's made a choice to block that out. And many men never waiver on that. However, love is not always predictable. This is why "bi is one train stop away from Gaytown." If a bisexual man meets enough men, eventually he'll click with one in a way that rocks his world. He won't be looking for it, nor will he expect it, but it can definitely happen. Mostly, (like dating when you're single) it's a numbers game.

Do all bisexual men in an open marriage end up falling in love with a man? No. But the risk is far greater than any of them will ever admit. It hasn't happened in the past, they're not looking (or wanting) for it to happen, so the possibility seems unfathomable. But it definitely happens.

If I were in your shoes, I would consider staying in the marriage only if I could accept three things -

1. That your husband will have sex with other men, either with your permission or without it.
2. That your husband will continue to lie and hide the truth in any situation that is potentially uncomfortable.
3. That your husband has the natural capacity to fall in love with another man. This might never happen, but it is much more of a risk than he imagines or will admit.

Finally, I want to say that I find your husband's way of putting all his problems on you very disturbing. He seems very manipulative. For that reason alone, even if he was 100% straight, I'd be deeply concerned about your ability to find long-term happiness with him.

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Replies:

Re: Husbands bisexual confession after 10 years -- Pamela (OMG, Alison! So sorry!), 15:13:38 03/26/16 Sat