Re: Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT -- Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

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Date Posted: 10:04:54 05/19/16 Thu
Author: Casseopia
Subject: Re: Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT
In reply to: Patti 's message, "Re: Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT" on 20:23:44 05/18/16 Wed

Hi Patti,

I'm sorry you've been through this. I'm sorry anyone ever has to go through this.

No - being gay has little (nothing) to do with sexual abuse and a traumatic sexual event does not have the power to 'turn' somebody gay if they were not already. I was sexually abused twice as a child and have not done any sexual acting out. Not everybody does. I love sex and feel that I have a healthy adult approach to it. BUT the fact that not everybody acts out sexually after abuse does not negate the fact that a lot of people do. We all heal and deal with trauma differently.

My husband, according to him, had no sexual feelings towards men until he began to process the rape in later life. And his sexual feelings from that moment onwards were not normal, healthy sexual, gay feelings. They were feelings of horrified fascination, trauma, PTSD, shame and self-loathing. Does that make him gay? 100%? For sure? Definitely?

I have turned to this site before and I think there are some very wise people here who have experienced trauma similar to mine. So I do listen.

However, it does fill me full of despair that whenever anyone shares their story, that the forum unanimously yells: GAY! No room for manoeuvre, the finer details almost don't seem to matter, the story behind the sex is almost unimportant - if the spouse has had any same-sex contact at all, they are 100% gay and we are fools to wonder otherwise.

Surely there is a grey area here?

Are we sure that this forum represents a full spectrum of stories and experience? By it's nature, this forum is surely populated mainly by people who's spouse HAS turned out to be gay? Does this mean that there could be others out there who's spouses have turned out NOT to be gay? And the fact is - we would never hear from them again because - why would we?!

I apologise if my frustration with my own story is spilling out into frustration with you guys. I know you are kind people, who have been through your own horrors but it IS frustrating when everyone just collectively yells HE'S GAY before you've really worked out where you are.

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