Re: Feels like I'm dying -- Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

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Date Posted: 16:46:00 05/29/16 Sun
Author: Kat
Subject: Re: Feels like I'm dying
In reply to: Josie 's message, "Re: Feels like I'm dying" on 16:15:03 05/29/16 Sun

You'd darned well better not blame yourself - you can't control other people. You can't "fix" him. You can only be responsible for your behavior, no-one else's. Think of the alcoholic whose wife monitors his time to be sure he's not sneaking to a bar after work, checks all the groceries, pours out any alcohol she finds.... only to be blamed for his sneaking out at lunch from work for a few beers, only to be caught by his boss. "But it's your fault, you didn't stop me." Guess what: that's HIS job, not yours.

Trying to take responsibility for his problems just puts the blame and guilt for his actions on your shoulders, and he gets to believe that his failings are your fault. How does that make him stop? How does that make him even like you very much after telling himself that it's your fault, not his? It leads to his resenting you while keeping on doing the exact same things, and your drowning in despair and guilt for something you have no possibility of controlling.

Don't go down that path. That way lies madness.

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Replies:

Re: Feels like I'm dying -- Ruby (You are not his mother), 17:06:03 05/29/16 Sun