getting there -- Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

[ Show ]

Support VoyForums

[ Shrink ]

VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 20:24:20 06/04/16 Sat
Author: debra
Subject: getting there

I wanted to thank all those who contribute to this forum with their stories and supportive replies. I have turned to these pages during some dark times over the last several months and have found comfort. I thought i would contribute my story... it may help someone else.
I had been married for 32 years. We had gotten to a stage where we had started to do lots of things separately but were still best friends and arguments were rare.
About 18 months ago he told me he was depressed and the usual list of things that meant it was my fault. I had little opportunity to respond....he may be depressed...and then my mum got sick, was hospitalised for 2 months and then passed away.
Less than 2 weeks after the funeral we went out for dinner for his birthday with our 2 adult children. They were very concerned about his dissociation from all of us and spoke to him the next morning, urging him to get help. That night his conversation to me "It's over" "i don't want to hate you" "if you don't move out, i will"
So....bought a house, moved out. At the same time, i was executor of my mum's will and the horror of mum's short illness had placed a massive strain on relationships amongst my siblings. Having to pack up my life, the family home,deal with sibling arguments, the thousands of things to do each day and, in the back of my mind,the feeling that i didn't fight for my marriage or even get to have my say. Work, my workmates, my friends and my wonderful children were my rocks.
Then, when i started to get on top of the many practical things, i started to blame myself. But i had also happened upon his phone records to someone many times late at night. I recalled all the "manscaping" that had been going on. Called the number and had a name.
So i confronted him with the "what did i do that was so wrong" "who is he" "why couldn't i have had your support at the hardest time in my life" No response from him. He STILL didn't tell me 11 months after the first conversation!
We suffered through our first Christmas not as a family with my wonderful children organising a day to minimise the pain...despite having also lost their grandmother AND their aunts, uncles and cousins through the estate process. After Christmas he tells me how hard it was on HIM! So i did tell him what i suspected, to start being honest and to think about his children. No response again.
When i was interstate dealing with an estate matter 2 months later, he told our children. 14 months after the first conversation and 8 months after i'd moved out.Still hadn't had a conversation with me.
Of course they had a hard time dealing with it. Not the gay bit. The selfish, lying, coward bit and wondering how much of their childhood was real. I know how they felt!
I have come to realise:
Whatever i did or didn't do, i did not turn him gay.
We may not be able to choose our thoughts and feelings, but we can always choose how we act.
It is not my secret, and if it feels right to do so, i tell people.
It's a hard thing to deal with being tossed aside....and receiving information in increments. And not bad mouthing their father to our children. But this forum has taught me:
With each new revelation, sit with it for a while and then take back the power.
I wouldn't be surprised at anything i hear now.
My story is not at all unique.
Hope this helps someone who is going through this. It's not the gay but the hurt that's so hard to deal with. Thank you to everyone who responds on here. You have helped me sooo much

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]