| Subject: I got quite choked up at reading your post |
Author:
Dreemdanser
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Date Posted: 10:36:32 09/02/04 Thu
In reply to:
SapphireMist
's message, "Hi All" on 13:13:10 08/12/04 Thu
I haven't even been to this forum in quite a while. I got discouraged by the abscence of postings, so have been going it on my own. I continue to struggle with the last 10 to 15 lbs that won't come off. It is infuriating to have come so far and to now have been stuck for more than half a year, unable to "finish" this race. And race is a good word for how I feel these days since I run the treadmill anywhere from 4 to 6 times a week. I am now up to an hour at a whack and still doing the strenght training 3X a week. My husband insists that I am more toned and look smaller than i did when i weighed less back in february...but it is hard for me to swallow completely since I still can't fit in some of my clothes, and I still have flab and sag and excess "meat" all through my torso.
But I can't tell you how much your sharing your current feelings and situation has helped me. Everyone seems to think that I must be past all those kind of feelings...but I feel them more keenly than ever. Listening to your feelings and where you are now, I am instantly "back there" when I was in the same exact situation. And it is bigger than the rides and participation in the things currently going on....it was like i was missing out on being IN my life. Yeah, i was there....but do I want those pictures (the few i let get taken) in the family photo albums??! And because i didn't want my picture taken there and years and years of family pictures that were not taken just because I didn't want to see myself. There were all sorts of things I missed out on. I wasted too many years being on the sidelines of my own life. There is no recapturing those lost years. It is a deep, deep regret. What is worse is that my daughter has gained and gained, the more I have lost. It is an interesting phenomenom that i only partly understand. But I think it is part of her rebelion...the normal teenage girl thing of "regecting our moms so we can become our own woman" thing. She is now not just chunky or a little thick around the middle....now she is fat. So much so that it is hurting her socially and emotionally and she is in that vicious cycle of eating more cause she feels bad. I have tried everything I can think of but I know it is all up to her. I wish she would take hold of this before it ruins years of her life like it did for me. *sigh*
Anyways, thank you, thank you, thank you...for sharing and for posting. I will focus today on how grateful I am that I have managed to keep the 80+ lbs off for 7 months and I will keep pushing myself and my reluctant body through the 'paces' and regime that keeps my from slipping back. Everytime I see an overweight woman I am immediately "back there" and I know how easilly and frighteningly quickly I could be there again. All it would take is just letting myself relax and not struggle daily with what i know is good for me, vrs. what is easy and conveinient and go with the flow. that flow is ever present, ever moving around me...it makes me feel self-conscious and even guilty what I must do every day to stay healthy. It takes time, it takes energy, it takes $$ (for the vitamins and salmon, etc)and it takes gritting my teeth and sometimes getting ferocious about insisting that others accomodate what I must do. ("Please!!! just leave me alone for another 30 minutes so I can get done with my excercise!!!" -or- "I am sorry, I am not ready to leave yet....we will just have to be a little late....I have to finish packing my food!!!" -or- " I am sorry you will have to take this back and get me another salad, I asked for no cheese, no croutons, and the dressing on the side.") It gets old. I sometimes wish I could just let it all go and not care. I sometimes look at other food options and think, 'that looks good'...and then I look at the woman across the isle who can't sit in the booth in the restaurant and they have to switch to a table, and my heart breaks for her and I stick to my resolve.
Not only can you do this......but you must and you will. Whatever route is right for you....you will succeed...you will accomplish this. You will not only ride the rides at the fair with your daughter but you will be shopping together and trading clothes in the future....but most of all you will be IN your life, in your family photos, and there with your loved ones instead of in the hospital or worse...not there at all.
Today I can continue. And all those todays accumulate to a lifetime.
hugs and thanks,
Dreemy
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