| Subject: Our update |
Author:
Hulalea
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Date Posted: 12:54:25 10/03/06 Tue
I'm so sorry I've been kinda absent from here but as we all do, I was going through some struggles of my own and in my struggles, I have been keeping up to what I tell everyone. I pray and I ask for God's guidance and I ask for His peace and strength. As most of you know, I divorced my ex in 2002 becasue of his drug use and horrible character. He put himself into treatment and our kids and I decided to support him and stand by him. He got out of 18 month intensive treatment and stayed with us, earned a lot of trust back and we decided to get remarried almost 1 year ago. We were working so many things out in faith and with Jesus as our lead. Now, a week before our 1st anniversary, we have come to a deadlock - almost like a sabotage. He has not returned to drugs but he has returned to his character. Extreme self-pity, self-centeredness and basically making me the enemy. His own thinking is what is doing him in. He insists that I am not supportive of him and will not help him in his duties for the church - basically everything and nothing. Anyway, we are again at the point where he appears to everyone else like he's doing absolutely great - even to the people that attends his AA meeting on Sundays yet as soon as we are alone together he displays hate and won't engage in any kind of a relationship with us. There are probably resentments that are running deep from before but the reality is that he has always had one huge disability in his life and that is that he has always been filled with self-pity and insecurity that no one is supportive to him or would back him up in whatever he's doing. This is difficult because he bases everything on this - even our marriage. This just goes to show that there wasn't total conversion on his part or that he just needed to return to his self-pity and bitterness. He would actually sit on the bed every morning almost meditating on what he's not getting, on his "expectations" not being met, on how he's not appreciated or recognized for what he does for others, etc, etc. As a recovering co-dependent, I cannot return to where I have been in my past with chasing him to constantly reassure him or show him to his face how off-base his thoughts are. His glasses are on backwards to where he is focusing so much on himself that he is not able to be in or see others around him. Self-pity is a huge sin and a huge attack from the enemy. It grabs anger, bitterness, hate, resentment and revenge with it and just destroys. I don't know where this is going to take us and it truly is a struggle. Especially to see that I remarried him and this happens but I will take a step out in faith and I will let Jesus take this one. Because of Jesus, I am strengthened and I no longer go through the craziness like before because I have Him to hold me and carry me though. There simply is no one better to have a relationship with. No one more perfect. I refuse to follow someone who does not have Christ at his head becasue I refuse to allow the sin to continue but I have Christ at my head and that is enough, really. I wanted to post this for everyone to know that life in this world is not perfect and comfortable but with Jesus, I can handle it well. I am not home with Jesus yet so things aren't great, yet!
I've been reading all of your posts and continue to pray for everyone here. I have not been isolating in my pain, I just moved our office and working through our Christian recovery programs weekly and other church work along with living. I miss the old-timers here so I hope they are able to read this and see that I'm still here and I still love you all. God Be with you all.
Hulalea
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