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Subject: Re: Losing everything

Jessica (Trying to look up)
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Date Posted: 10:17:33 03/04/08 Tue
In reply to: Kris 's message, "Re: Losing everything" on 09:10:31 03/03/08 Mon

I cant thank you enough for caring to see what I have to say. Yesterday for the first time I smiled on my own. My partner (whose name is Brian) and I talked a lot last night. And for the first time in weeks, we talked about the baby. I got to ask him just how he felt, and I was relieved to know that I'm not the only one who thinks about it all the time. I cant help but feel like I want the world to know my baby DID exist. I'm hoping I'll be okay, but I'm so scared. I feel like I have so many questions, and I'll never get the answers to them.

I keep feeling like everyone around me is going to think I'm strange or over-greiving for the things that I've been doing.
I'm an artist so one night after the abortion, I drew a self portrait, of me holding a baby wrapped in a blanket, but you cant see the babys face.
I also took the sonogram picture and put it in a frame that I keep close to me when I sleep.

Since I live in a house with several others, I keep wondering what they think when they see the things I'm doing.

I also keep having a hard time really believing that I have gotten an abortion. Why wasn't I a stronger woman and go with my heart?

I told Brian this last night, that it feels like someone I've known for years died. Though it wasn't years, it was someone's whole life. My grandmother (dad's mom) wants to have a ceremony in memory of my baby when the weather gets nice and when the issue isnt so in my face all the time.

I am also in the process of contacting Planned Parenthoods corporate. I feel I have a right to speak up against their uncaring, and most uninformative care. And for me to think that some other woman, or girl will go there and deal with the same stuff I went through sooner than later, Its horrible. I'm so glad I was able to get everything down.

I will keep posting with updates, thank you guys for your patients (for reading my novel of a story) and your support. It means the world to me


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