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Subject: How to move forward. Have so much resentment Author: Kris [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 00:08:43 05/05/08 Mon I was with my boyfriend on and off for 5 years when I got pregnant. After being together for 6 months when we first met he broke up with me and got another girl pregnant. After they had the baby they broke up and he wanted to get back together with me. He was so excited and happy to have a baby with her. So after him breaking up with me and having a baby with someone , he then wanted me back. So I took him back , I loved him dearly , I even broke off my engagement at the time to be with him . I have always loved him. After 3 months of being back together , I found out I was pregnant. I was in total shock . I called him and told him I was pregnant , knowing that I was keeping it... I have and still am AGAINst abortion. He cried and begged me to get an abortion. I told him NO i was keeping it. Prior to finding out i was pregnant , I started to see that he wasnt the man I wanted to be with . He wasnt there for me like I needed him to be , He wasnt a good step father to my 4 year old son, He wasnt ready to commit , he just didnt give me what I wanted and deserved in a relationship , I always came second to his baby mama , So about 2 weeks before i found out i was pregnant I was planning on breaking it off with him. So after I told him I was keeping it , he told me so many horrible things aboout keeping it , and he scared me . But I was still going through with it. He wasnt there for any dr visits , wasnt there for me emotionally , he wasnt the man that I could be with , He wasnt a family man , he didnt even aknowledge the fact taht I was pregnant, Nothing. He came to my house every night and drank alchol , well I was sitting there sick , Complained that we were going to sleep so early lately , and asked me how much longer do I have to deal with me being sick all the time... plenty more thing he did that upset me ( way to many to type). So already being a single mother for 4 years I realized he isnt the person that I can be with or deserve to be with . Me and my son deserve someone better. So after about 6 wks of really thinking about it and seeing his actions , I told him I was going to get the abortion and couldnt be with him anymore. The day of the procedure I was in the office and they took my blood and I almost fainted they had to lay me down , I was hysterical crying in the room , The SO CALLED COUNSELING they give you before hand was not counseling at all , it was sign here and sign there stop crying. I tried to call him , I left him a message and text message that I was scared and DID NOT want to do it. He never called me back. all he had to do was answer my call or call me back and tell me to leave... AnD I would be having my baby in 4 wks. I let about 4 people go ahead of me ...well I sat there and cried ... i did not want to do it .... but i was oviously selfish and knew that he wasnt right for me and finally went into the procedure room and couldnt even breath , the dr didnt even talk to me or say anything ... I woke up and that was the end ,of a messed up beginning. I went into a deep and still am in a deep depression , I cry all the itme , I dont want to do anytthing, I cant watch anything with pregnant women in it or babies , i cant even watch horror movies or any kind of movie with blood because it makes me think of an abortion ... it changed me so much. Having to do something u never thought u would do , were always against , and didnt want to do. Is horrible. I had already thought of names for the baby. When his X got pregnant he was soo excited and happy . They were broken up at the time that should found out and we were getting back together , she called him told him she was pregnant and he broke up with me again , broke my heart again and said im going to be a daddy and we are going to be a family I cant be with u anymore. Why couldnt he be like that when i told him about our baby , Why did he have to be such a coward , why couldnt he give our baby a chance like his other baby. So we broke up when I got the abortion. I was so upset , I needed to talk to him and just say sorry , because saying sorry to him was like saying sorry to my baby. So after saying sorry and telling him how depressed i was he asked to hang out. So we started to hang out every day and he told me how much he loved me and cant be with out me and wants to get married , but when i was pregnant he said he didnt want to get married and wasnt sure if we were going to be together forever . So now just 2 months later after the fact you want everything that I wanted when I was pregnant , but couldnt and wouldnt give it to me. So here I am 4 months later still with him back together , And every day that goes by I resent him more and more for making me do what I did , More and more I cant even look at him , the closer it comes to my due date the more discusted I am of him. Why now does he want to move out together and get married but a few months back when we were blessed with a miracle he was a total jerk. I love him , he has been my best friend for 5 years now , even though he broke my heart and acted the way he did. But i resent him so much lately and more and more everyday . That I dont think I can be with him anymore. Will the resentment ever go away? The baby that he has now , I cant even see pics of or hear stories about what he did with him for the day because i just think thats what my baby could have looked like , why couldnt he be a daddy to our baby like he is to him. Why couldnt our baby get a chance to have two awesome parents. Its really hard for me. THe part that really upsets me is that he doesnt have a care in the world about the baby that we could have had. I cry to him about it and he say it will get better. He never ONCE said I am so sorry that I couldnt be a responsible father , im sorry that we didnt give the baby a chance , im sorry we messed up . NOTHING like that at all. He says dont worry it will get better. I just dont know if I can stay with him and be able to move on from these horrible feeling. HELP Please . What should I do . Should I stay or should I GO??? THANK YOU anyone who reads my story and response. All I can say I will never ever let this happen to me again. I will be less selfish and more responsible next time. Regardless of anything. I love my baby so much . And I wish I can just hold her/him. [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> Subject: Re: How to move forward. Have so much resentment Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 06:26:14 05/05/08 Mon Hi, Kris, Your sorrow overwhelms me. I just feel a wash of heaviness, so I know what you must be going through. First of all, why are you still with this loser? He made you harm your baby, and took away from you something incredibly precious. That is abusive. If I had been involved with him, I would have kicked him out and never looked back. I did it for lot smaller offenses. He has no respect for you; he just wants you to pleasure him. It's a shame you gave up that other relationship to be with this guy. Not only can he manipulate you like he did, but he has a daughter by another woman. Why play second fiddle to him? Dump him already! You are bonded to him because you had sex with him, so it won't be easy. But the situation with him isn't going anywhere except into more sorrow. I am really sorry about how things turned out. You should have been able to keep and enjoy your baby. The kind of depression you are experiencing is common, but can be very devastating and can completely derail your life. You really need to get some help. Seriously. Go to this web site and look for an agency in your area. They can help you with counseling and other services. Most of the help comes from women who have experienced abortion, and have healed emotionally and spiritually. www.pregnancycenters.org Most importantly, please seek God's forgiveness. He will give it abundantly if you are truly sorry and turn from this type of situation. I will give you a couple of examples. David, king of Israel, committed a grave sin when he coveted Bathsheba, and sent her husband to the front lines of battle so he would be killed. But God forgave him, said he was a man after His own heart, and placed him as an ancestor of Jesus. Saul murdered Christians. He was responsible for the stoning of Stephen, the first Christian martyr. But God appeared to Saul on the way to Damascus, and forgave him and turned him into the Apostle Paul. I owe my own faith to Paul because he preached to my ancestors. If God will forgive those two sinners, He will forgive you. In order to receive God's forgiveness, you must also turn from the situation you're in, and give up the sexual activity that got you where you are. And once having received it, you must then forgive yourself. This will be hard. You have a right to be angry at what was done to you. So allow yourself to express your anger, and then forgive them. Forgiveness is not an emotion, it's a decision. It is the decision to accept the hurt that they have done to you and not strike back. You won't forget. But you can release your outrage, and with Stephen, the martyr, say, "God, do not lay this sin to their charge." I am sure that Stephen's prayer is one of the things that moved God to rescue Paul from the pit. After that, take God at His word that He forgives you and forgive yourself. Again, this will be really hard. But tell God you can't even WANT to forgive yourself, so He is going to have to help you. And He will. I have prayed this way a number of times, and He always has. He loves you so much that Jesus died for your sins, including your abortion. Accept this free gift. Jesus said, "It is finished!" He completed your forgiveness and your salvation. All you have to do is accept it. I will be praying for you. Hugs, Pat