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Date Posted: 03:47:11 10/03/01 Wed
Author: Depressed and tired of feeling empty - u-no-hoo
Author Host/IP: ip-209-23-1-106.modem.logical.net / 209.23.1.106
Subject: A depressing tale, don't read if you are not into hearing about depression and it's hold on a person

Dear family and friends,

I don't really know how to say what I feel right now, but I feel a need to try to put my feelings into words so that others can understand what is going on inside of me right now. I know that several others who come here suffer from depression also; perhaps they can relate to what I feel better than most, but even they may not comprehend completely. I have suffered with depression caused by chemical imbalance for a good deal of my life, but moreso over the past 10-15 years. I was on anti-depressants for a couple of years, but they made me feel like a zombie. I walked around in a daze most of the time and felt "nothing", until I decided that I would rather feel sad, cry at the sight of flashing lights, bawl at sudden loud noises, etc. than feel like the "walking dead". Believe me, that wasn't living; that was existing for the sake of being. There was no happiness to replace the depression, just a big void, a feeling of emptiness instead of pain. Besides, the drugs were causing many side effects, some quite serious, and they did some irreversible nerve damage before I realized that it was the medication that was doing it.

I have been in a "purple funk" since midwinter, and was doing my best to fight it off in spite of someone else's verbal attacks by e-mail and on my own messageboard, because I had the support of a dear person who helped me through the bad days, the fears, etc. Then the stress began to build up, and I started to have serious relapses of dyslexia, which made it hard to read or comprehend both written and verbal words. Just about the time I thought that I was bounding back, in early May, I was faced with a real heartbreak, a person I love dearly chose to end our relationship, for many reasons, one being she didn't understand my fear of the unknown; that sudden loss sent me into a downward spiral, deeper and deeper into a great abyss. My support is gone, my love is gone, and so is my reason for living. Now I am barely functional some days and just want it all to end once and for all. I have spent hours, days, weeks and months thinking about ending it all.

I went to the river bridge early one morning a while back and started to climb over the fenced in railing. As I looked down at the rocks below, the urge to jump was so very strong, but then I thought about the poor suckers who might have to retrieve the body and clean up the mess. They didn't do anything to me, why should I leave that bloody mess for them? My family would be embarrassed for sure, and they would probably not understand either. So I got down and went home. A couple of weeks ago, I decided that it would be better to go out onto the interstate highway in front of a tractor trailer going 65 mph or more; that should do it, or at least put me in a coma, so I couldn't feel anything anymore. It would look like an accident and be less embarrassing for those I left behind too. I had been discouraged before from doing this, because I thought about the guilt the poor driver might feel, but what the heck, they couldn't charge him with anything, and he'd get over it in time.

I got up, hugged my best friend, my dog, "goodbye", told him I loved him and to "be good" and headed out for the interstate with every intention of never coming back. Well, to make a long story a little shorter, I didn't get all the way to the interstate that morning, as I nearly got hit by a car on a city street. Shit and double damn, that danged car wasn't going fast enough to do more than make me a hood ornament, maybe break a few bones, so I ducked out of the way. I'll be damned if I'll spend weeks on my back in the hospital in traction, followed by months of physical therapy. I wound up getting hurt anyhow, tore the hell out of my knee, limped home about 10 city blocks, pushing my bike and then spent half of the day in the doctor's office having x-rays, etc.

Well, I am off the crutches, not using the walker either, and have tossed the knee brace on the chairback, except when doing stuff like mowing the lawn. I am not "supposed to be" riding the bike again till at least this weekend, however, I went for a short spin, around six blocks, yesterday on it and barely made it up the front steps when I got here. Today I plan to make that a trip to the cemetery, about 13 short blocks away; I may be back, maybe not, depends on how I feel after I talk to my ancestors a bit more, but " just in case" I don't show up for a while and you don't hear anymore from me again, I wanted to let you all know that your love and support over the past few years has meant a lot to me and kept me going when my world was getting darker.

I love you all and know some of you care about me too, because you have sent me e-mails in the past, but my will to live, my reason for living for nearly three years, died on May 10th, 2001. I'd rather not say exactly why here; it would embarrass someone I love too much; suffice it to say that I go away empty now; I do not like that feeling very much, and I can't get past it after all this time. Thank you and so long until we meet again.

Peace, and keep those love lights glowing for each other, because mine is growing dimmer by the minute, flickering in the wind,
Just a jerk who loves too deeply

PS- I wrote this letter yesterday, was interrupted by someone coming in before I could post it, but I went to the cemetery armed with a bottle of 15 codeine tablets, another with about 75 benedryl, a baggie full of tylenol, a fluffer nutter sandwich and a 20 ounce bottle of Mountain Dew. (The first few days after my "knee twister" I took the codeine as it was prescribed, but then started taking them just at bedtime so I could sleep through without being woke up every hour by pain, as I was already planning to end all of my pain once and for all.) When I got to the pond there, I was surprised to see a large flock of mallard ducks out for an afternoon swim. I sat and watched them for a long time, while I ate the sandwich slowly, which I intended to use to help me keep from getting nauseated and tossing my cookies before the drugs could do their job on me. While I was eating, this one duck kept coming up from the brook below me, staring me in the face and quacking at me as if she wanted my sandwich, but I said, "Not today, Donna, I need to eat this myself." Suddenly I realized that I was talking to a damned duck like it was a long lost friend, and then I burst into tears. While I was busy blowing my nose and thinking about which pills to take first, a cemetery truck pulled up nearby.

One of the two guys in the truck asked if I had seen the sign at the front gate saying that bikes were not allowed in there. I told him that I hadn't seen it, but had seen the others that said, "No dogs allowed", "speed limit 5 miles per hour" and "closed from dusk till dawn". He proceeded to tell me that he could see that I wasn't tearing up graves riding over them, etc. but that I'd have to take the bike from the property, because if he made an exception for me, he'd have trouble enforcing the rules when kids came there to raise heck. Right! Why didn't the other guys say something when I came riding down the road past them on my way in? Where I was sitting, the bicycle couldn't be seen from the roadways or the nearby streets; it was tucked into the bushes, leaning on a tree, for Pete's sake. He said I could sit a bit longer if I wanted to, but said not to ride a bike there again. I broke into tears, told him I'd go find somewhere else to f'ing die, and got up and started wheeling my bike up the hill. (Yes, I used the "F" word, shame on me!)

Well, on my way out I stopped and read the signs by the caretakers cottage. My god, I couldn't believe all the "No" rules they have there now. "No plastic flowers or flowers planted in the ground, only plants in permanent urns?" Ok, I'll give them that one, the jerks would make a mess of them with the lawn mowers, I am sure. "No loitering?" (Does that apply to the occupants too?) What are you supposed to do, drive by and wave at your ancestors? "No dogs allowed?" Can dogs read signs? "Clean up after your dog; it's the law?" Excuse me, but if dogs are not allowed there, why would you have to clean up after them? "No jogging?" Does a person running over the roadway disturb the tenants? "Speed limit 5 mph?" Hmmmm, did you ever try to keep your car under 15 mph? He was driving at least 20 mph when he came down there to scold me. "Closed dusk to dawn?" Do the tenants go out dancing for the night? By that time I was standing there laughing out loud, If I'd seen that on the way in, I would have gone to the recreation park a couple of blocks further away instead.

Sorry folks, but I am NOT going to buried there, too many danged rules for me to break, besides I already promised in my will to donate my body to science, so I get to hang out in a medical lab and spook the med students. 8^) That should be lots of fun. Well, I lived to see another day come up on my clock, thanks I guess to a feathered friend who wanted to "do" lunch with me, and some public servants who did their duty and chased my butt out of the cemetery, and gave me something to giggle about for a few hours. What about today and tomorrow? I don't really know, but for now I seem to be cried out again. Why is that most people who are suffering great physical pain, waiting to die from some rotten disease, pray desperately for another tomorrow or two, and people like me suffering from emotional pain pray for the strength to end it all? Oh well, perhaps there's a reason I got harassed yesterday, that will make today a little more bearable, and the reason will be made clear. Sorry, I laid all this on the table here, but I needed to unload someplace, and I know you are all good people who listen well. Thanks for being here.

Peace and love,
Just Me

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