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Welcome to the UnOfficial Eddie Izzard Message Board!
  • Well this is totally screwed up. -- Bryan, 21:46:38 03/18/04 Thu
    target=_blank> US county seeks to ban gays


    Bunch of inbred hillbilly freaks. That’s all I have to say on that matter.

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  • Morning guys 'n' girls. Me has a quick question 2 ask. I was sat thinking about times one by, when i realised that i have not seen Will's name since I returned to the boards. Whatever did happen 2 the old lad? -- Mr.Cat(with a serious question!Woooh! His 1st! am so proud), 08:54:22 03/18/04 Thu
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  • Click, redial, Click, redial, Click, redial, Click, redial... -- Bry, 05:20:25 03/17/04 Wed
    You shall advance. Click, redial... Mmmmkayy.. What kind of fair contest is it if a bunch of obsessive freaks with redial can vote until their fingers are about to fall off? I just voted for an hour. I’m sick of hitting the buttons.

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  • Reasons to be cheerful - part 1 -- The Caledonian Kid, 02:50:46 03/04/04 Thu
    A nice wee poll (with a wee nod to Ian Dury and The Blockheads).
    Whenever you are feeling down list three things that make you feel happy / make you laugh. Mine are:

    1) Dogs in socks / Turkeys in Wellies(i have seen both and i thought i was going to die laughing - its the way they walk).

    2) Watching people who are watching Morris dancers. You will not see the same expressions anywhere else.

    3)The sun on your skin/ the smell after it rains(i'm bracketing them both under 'Natural Phenomena' so they count as 1 choice). I don't know if i appreciate it more because i'm Scottish and the sun is still rationed up here but i like the feeling of the sun on my skin (maybe i'm photosynthesising). Also, after it has rained slightly, go somewhere grassy and breathe in. Its a nice smell! Am i the only one who has noticed that?

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  • Anyone But Bush -- timetogetvocal, 08:31:28 03/13/04 Sat

    Bush is fighting to keep his job not yours!

    John Kerry for President


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  • Q: How many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb? -- ., 11:00:59 03/16/04 Tue



    A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BLOWN! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. Once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the last 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them TWO DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER EMPTIES OUT THE RUBBISH !! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF RUBBISH THAT ARE 12 FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!!?? IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE! I'm sorry...what did you ask me

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  • I’ve officially lost my mind -- Bryan, 04:07:10 03/10/04 Wed
    I just called in and voted for someone to advance on American Idol. I even voted thrice... dialed in from each number. The one phone has auto re-dial so I may have voted 60 times but I don’t think those will count.

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  • Oh My, -- Bry, 23:34:57 03/05/04 Fri
    Alison seems to have gone off and she even took all her piccies with her too. Don’t go Alison, we do like you!

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  • i stole this one from alison ... just to be clear ... i do not want you guys get the impression i might be a funny person or could be remotely as clever and come up with a joke like that on my own ... -- béla, 09:20:34 03/05/04 Fri
    One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach. This man was OLD! He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard.

    When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man advised him in a shaky voice that he was looking for his son. Jesus wanted to help but didn't think he could as there were millions of people there.

    "I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his hands and feet,"
    states the old man.

    Jesus does a double take and says, "Father?"

    The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"

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  • Filling up the board. Because I can. -- Alison, 21:52:55 03/03/04 Wed

    1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

    2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

    3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

    4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

    5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

    6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

    7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

    8)You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

    10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

    11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

    12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

    13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

    14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

    15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

    16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

    17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

    18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

    19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

    20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

    21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

    22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

    23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

    24) You never ever run out of salt.

    25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

    26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

    27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

    28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

    29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

    30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

    31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

    32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

    33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

    34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

    35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

    36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

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  • I declare today as "Post Sexy Photos of Steve Coogan Day" -- magic1, 01:51:57 03/04/04 Thu
    Phwaor!!!!!


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  • *dances round Bela 'n' Magic1 'n' everyone whos anyone* Wow, pictures of cats and dogs and cows and things. it's kinda like a homage to all things with four legs. it's kinda nice...nudge nudge wink wink...errrr...did i say that out loud? I mean, did my mate...errr...Dave, say that out loud? He has problems u know....Dave....problems...tis very sad *shakes head* -- Mr.Cat(revealing more than he should), 17:24:20 03/02/04 Tue
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  • Kids on relationships -- Alison, 15:18:24 03/03/04 Wed


    HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
    You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. --Alan, age 10

    No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. --Kirsten, age 10

    WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

    Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. --Camille, age 10

    No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. --Freddie, age 6

    HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

    You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. --Derrick, age 8

    WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

    Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8

    WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

    Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --Lynnette, age 8

    On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. --Martin, age 10

    WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

    I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --Craig, age 9

    WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

    When they're rich. --Pam, age 7

    The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. --Curt, age 7

    The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. --Howard, age 8

    IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

    I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --Theodore, age 8




    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    )

    The following are different answers given by elementary school-age children
    to the given questions:


    Why did God make mothers?

    1.-She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.

    2.-Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.

    3.-Mostly to clean the house.

    4.-To help us out of there when we were getting born.


    How did God make mothers?

    1.- He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

    2.- Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.

    3.- God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.


    Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

    1.- We are related.

    2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.


    What ingredients are mothers made of?

    1- God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
    world and one dab of mean.

    2.-They had to get their start from men's bones.
    Then they mostly use string. I think.


    What kind of little girl was your mom?

    1.- My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

    2.- I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

    3.- They say she used to be nice.

    How did your mom meet your dad?

    1.- Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

    What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

    1.- His last name.

    2.- She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?
    Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year?
    Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores.

    Why did your mom marry your dad?

    1.- My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world .......And my mom eats a lot.

    2.- She got too old to do anything else with him.

    3.- My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

    What makes a real woman?

    1.- It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

    Who's the boss at your house?

    1.- Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad is such a goofball.

    2.- Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

    3.- I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.


    What's the difference between moms and dads?

    1.- Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just work at work.

    2.- Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

    3.- Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the power because that's who you have to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

    What does your mom do in her spare time?

    1.- Mothers don't do spare time.
    2.-To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

    What's the difference between moms and grandmas?

    1.- About 30 years.

    2.- You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them.


    Describe the world's greatest mom?

    1.- She would make broccoli taste like ice cream.

    2.- The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts.

    3.- She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.


    Is anything about your mom perfect?

    1.- Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.

    2.- Her casserole recipes. But we hate them
    .
    3.- Just her children.


    What would it take to make your mom perfect?

    1.- On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

    2.- Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.


    If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

    1.- She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

    2.- I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me

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  • Found a new one! -- Alison's aura, 12:25:09 03/03/04 Wed

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  • OK who called Security? -- Alison, 09:22:25 03/02/04 Tue

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  • dammit, i am late for the party .. -- hooch, 11:04:47 03/01/04 Mon


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  • Taking over this board for my personal use. Apparently. -- Alison, 20:40:16 02/27/04 Fri

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  • It’s Alive! Well, for now anyway but I shouldn’t speak so soon. -- Bryan, 02:29:25 02/27/04 Fri
    Don’t knock all the videos on the shelf above your puter onto your keyboard. It will never be the same, your spacebar will misbehave and you might lose all use of your ‘ctrl’ key. Whatever you do don’t spill vodka on your keyboard several months later. Your keyboard will cease to function and your puter will become VERY confused. You might press ‘m’ and suddenly get fifty ‘e’s or you could press backspace and get four lines of ‘o’s. The delete key might even cause your puter to reboot. At some point your puter might refuse to boot at all.

    She’s a bit obsolete but she’s me favorite, so I’ve begged borrowed and stolen spare keyboards hoping it isn’t the puter. I’m on me fifth keyboard. A couple of the plugs weren’t quite the same and didn't fit. I thought that was standard, and the functionality was dubious at best. Me:“Does it work?” Brother:”I dunno” Things seem to be working properly. I was able to update my virus defs. I’m listening to my ‘Best of Bowie’ cd’s and typing this nonsense.

    I nicked this keyboard from work. There is a spare pile of things that nobody wants so I took it... well I shouldn’t call it a pile. It’s a whole office. Everything in there is supposed to go to ‘surplus’ which means it is going away forever. Guess where they store our ‘surplus’. An old asylum. In the greenhouse. The one with the broken windows. The one that is always flooded. So I didn’t really steal it. I rescued it.

    Bryan.. keeping fingers crossed hoping it was just a fooked up keyboard

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  • Last one, I promise -- Alison, 16:13:56 02/26/04 Thu
    Tigger's not too sure about this white stuff


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  • Testing -- Alison, 15:57:16 02/26/04 Thu
    The view outside my front door now....




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  • i am BACK from vietnam .. did you miss me??? -- béla , 14:10:23 02/25/04 Wed
    i have had a fanTABulous time ... it is such a beautiful country and the vietnamese are just the friendliest ppl in the world .. and the FOOD ....!!!! unbelievable ... and dont worry, i did neither catch chicken nor tart-flu ... apart from a broken toe (bloody bamboo dancing) i am as good as new, in fact ....

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  • Bela, come home! -- Poule Roulante, 09:29:38 02/19/04 Thu
    Give us tales of derring do!
    Or sex in a car seat. we don't mind.

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  • A tale of derring-do until Bela gets back with some real ones. -- The Caledonian Kid (with more than a nod to Pirates of the Caribbean), 02:35:32 02/23/04 Mon
    "Waaalk the plank moi pretty or oi'll be throwin' ye to the crew rather than the sharks" The old pirate captain leered jabbing at her with his sword while shaking his hook hand menacingly (well, it would have been a hook but he was a bit 'bling bling' and had a whisk instead).
    Jemima Jigglebottom, the young duchess of gainsbury stared into the waters below and could see the sharks patrolling, just waiting for her to take gravity on headlong and lose. If only she had taken her uncle's advice and not bought those economy cruise tickets!
    "Hold it right there Pinkbeard!" a voice could be heard. The pirates looked around.
    "Up here" the voice cried again.
    The pirates looked around gormlessly. "what? who said thaaat" cried Prince Pinkbeard, so called because no-one could ever tell if he was a pirate or just a new romantic due to his shocking pink goatee.
    "*sigh* in the crows nest you idiots"
    The pirates looked up in unison to see the silhoutte of...
    "AAARRR! It be Travis McBulge! The only three legged swashbuckler in history!" cried Pinkbeard.
    "Actually thats two legs and one blessing from God my friend!"
    "AAAAAAARRRRRRRR! Get 'im!"
    The crew charged forwards and clambered up the rigging towards McBulge. McBulge watched them as they climed the 50 feet up to the crows nest and just as the were about to get him he grabbed a rope and swung down to face Pinkbeard.
    "Looks like you've left your crew hanging old chum" McBulge exclaimed as he landed at Pinkbeard's feet with catlike agility and laser precision (though lasers haven't been invented yet...but neither have new romantics...work with me on this one).
    "I'll crack the jokes round 'ere tripod pants" exclaimed Pinkbeard as he swung his sword at McBulge.
    McBulge parried. "I'd love to hear one, that is if its as funny as your beard".
    Pinkbeard let loose a flurry of blows which were all met with precise parries and ripostes from McBulge before their blades locked again.
    "Ok...what d'ye ye call a deer with no eyes"
    "No idea"
    "Oh ye've heard that one then...what d'ye call an eskimo wearing 5 balaclavas, 4 wooly hats a set of ear-muffs and crash-helmet"
    "ummmm...whats a crash-helmet?"
    Pinkbeard saw an opportunity in McBulge's confusion and in one swift move he disarmed him and knocked him to the floor
    "AAAAH-HAAAAR Oi Knew moi futuristic joke would get ye!"He said pointing his blade at McBulge's neck "and since ye're about to die i'll tell ye the punchline it's: 'anything ye like, he can't hear ye'".
    Lady Jigglebottom who had been watching the fight the whole time realised she had to think fast to save McBulge. Suddenly like a flash of lightning a thought came into her head.
    "Travis!" Both Pinkbeard and McBulge turned their heads to look at her as she ripped open her bodice to expose her breasts to them.
    Suddenly McBulge's middle leg kicked out, kicking Pinkbeard so hard in the backside that he flew overboard. Pinkbeard's crew started running around trying to save him while Jemima covered herself up and ran to McBulge.
    "I KNEW that would work! Quick we have to get on a liferaft and get out of here!"
    "Er...i think i'll just lie here for a bit...bad case of,er, cramp" said McBulge indicating his middle leg.
    "No time, come on!"
    The both ran or ,in McBulge's case, waddled to the life-raft let it down into the clear blue waters. Where, slowly but surely the managed to sail away from Pinkbeard's ship which as the crew were busy saving Pinkbeard could not pursue until they were out of sight (it took a while to save him, his whisk meant he was quite heavy to pull aboard...or something).
    And so ends another or should that be 'the' Travis McBulge story.

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  • A brief story -- Bryan, 05:12:15 02/23/04 Mon
    Well, it really can't compete with Caledonian Kid's story but it's true! (Nice to see 'ya Caledonian! Don't be such a stranger.)

    Thine Valiant Knight hath been successful! The colossal serpent has been vanquished! It was a dreadful battle. First I seized it by it’s tail then I grabbed it by the head quickly knotting it in half. Then I bravely twisted it, once again tying it. It could not win. I would not let it. I knotted the vile creature thrice more and it no longer fought. I was Victorious!


    So my shower scrunchie/scrubbie bath thing decided it wanted a life of it’s own. Here I am all covered in soap, shampoo in my eyes and now suddenly surrounded by 20 feet of this plastic netting stuff. It was actually pretty funny.

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  • Anyone like music that's a bit diffrent? -- Bryan, 16:00:10 02/18/04 Wed
    My Sister gave me a cd. I looked at it and thought "What the fook? Me First and The Gimme Gimmes?". Then I listened to it. My Sister knows me well. I'm really liking it, but I'm weird. Sort of punk meets pop. I went and ordered all their crap. Here's an amazon url. Give them a listen, the soundbytes don't do them justice though. Let me know what 'ya think.

    http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00009LW04/qid=1076996069/sr=2-1/ref=sr_2_1/103-3762133-2380649

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  • Yetisport Part 2 -- Alison, 08:59:41 02/21/04 Sat


    http://62.116.30.116/index.html

    Follow up to penguin bashing, I haven't tried it yet so no scores to report!

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    Big thanks to Dobee for the Collage!

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