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Date Posted: 13:23:45 06/13/02 Thu
Author: Deedra
Subject: Need a Beta Reader.... The Copy-Cat Conspiracy.
The Copy-Cat Conspiracy.
by Deedra Nikita
-----------------------------------
Referenced; U.S. MILITARY ABBREVIATION AND ACRONYM LIST
http://www.2-sir.com/TwinFalls/acronym6.html#C
-----------------------------------
In the tower, a soft contemporary melody surrounds Paul and Madeline as they share a Hallmark moment. Slightly tipsy on champagne after dancing cheek to cheek and bedding, they intimately settle back on the bed to relax.
Unexpectedly, there's a knock on the door. Paul sits up and yells, "Who is it? Damn!" Paul looks at Madeline shaking his head, "Why?"
As Madeline hustles to find her robe, she tries to calm Paul with a smile. "Calm down, Paul. It could be important."
"Sir?" Walter loudly clears his throat, "It.... Its Walter. Sorry to interrupt you. George is at COMM threatening to blow Section if you don't show up soon."
Paul yells again, "What the hell! Where's Michael?" Lowering his voice, "I'll never put him in charge again."
Paul and Madeline scurry to dress as Paul continues to flame at Walter through the door, "Walter! Find Michael! Tell him to put George in containment. I'll be right out!"
As Walter takes off to find Michael, Madeline and Paul are finished dressing when suddenly the air vent cover falls to the floor and a sniper begins to assassinate them. Paul is hit first, and falls to the floor as his eyes connect with Madeline, who is reaching for a gun from a near by drawer. Shot in the back, she falls slowly to the floor next to the bed. Pausing for a moment, the sniper, looks at Paul and Madeline then runs out the door.
Meanwhile, Walter has found Michael on a lower level around data central and proceeds to fill him in as they walk back to Michael's office. As Michael takes a seat at his desk, he glances at Nikita who is sitting on his desk flipping his lamp on and off. He can't help but notice the way her skirt is kinda hiked up on her leg. He sighs, looking back at Walter, "Go to Seymore and tell him to pull up a PC-34 on the west wing terminal."
As Walter takes off to COMM, Michael notices a masked man with a gun in black pants and shirt descending from the tower stairs towards the exit terminal. Michael orders Nikita, "Call medical and have them meet us in the tower."
As alarms go off, everyone in section is running around in chaos. Michael calmly gets a gun from his desk then embarks for the tower. Intercepting two operatives on his way, he instructs them to find a man in black shirt and pants around the exit terminal. Nikita calls the infirmary then heads for the tower.
The tower door is slightly open when Michael arrives. Without expression, he slowly pushes the door open the rest of the way with the end of the gun which reveals Operation's bleeding body at the foot of the bed. Checking the room for hostiles first, Michael calmly moves to Operation's side then kneels to take his vital signs. Before he can determine whether Paul is alive, the med-techs arrive and Michael moves aside.
As Nikita enters the door way, her eyes meet with Michael's. Michael walks to the intercom to buzz Seymore, "Seymore here!"
Michael replies, "Seymore, turn the alarms off then have George put in detainment." Seymore reluctantly replies, "Ah.., he is right here." George takes the COMM., "What the hell are you...." George is cut short as his two body guards fall to the floor.
"Seymore have the ops take George to containment." Michael leaves the room with Nikita trailing his heals.
As Michael and Nikita arrive at containment, George is already strapped in the chair. Michael walks around the room a couple of times as Nikita stands in support.
Nikita addresses George first, "George, I thought Operations disposed of you?"
George replies, "What? Obviously naut!" Nikita looks and Michael.
Michael supports Nikita's inquiry, "The question is, what to do with you now? You are a Red Cell trader."
George defends himself, "What are you talking about? Seriously. Where is Operations?"
As Michael continues to interrogate George, Nikita slips out to check on Operations and Madeline. When Nikita enters the infirmary, she sees both Operations and Madeline being fussed over. She interjects, "How are they?"
The chief physician replies, "Their wounds are clean. I think they'll live."
Nikita is joined by Walter then Seymore as the chief physician steps away. "What's the prognosis?" Walter asks visibly concerned.
"It's not good, she replies staring into the infirmary, but the doctor thinks they'll live."
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Hi! Welcome to the Beta Board!. -- ~delle, 19:33:28 06/13/02 Thu
Geez... that makes me sound like a stewardess, doesn't it?
I have a question for you... how 'in depth' of a critique do you want? I'm not sure if you want just a quick overview of plot and characterization (which I prefer to do) or a really in depth slice and dice. Shanola and Nestra are the grammer/punctuation queens here.
Since I'm not sure yet what you're looking for, I'll just make a few comments:
You keep referring to "Seymore". I'm assuming you mean Seymour Birkoff, the computer genius? As you can see, you've misspelt his name, but more importantly, no one called him Seymour except Greg (to get Birkoff pissed off) or Nikita (to tease him).
As Michael takes a seat at his desk, he glances at Nikita who is sitting on his desk flipping his lamp on and off. He can't help but notice the way her skirt is kinda hiked up on her leg.
Two things here. Is there a purpose to Nikita turning the lamp on and off? It seems... I don't know, annoying? and I'm not seeing any purpose in it in the remainder of this segment. On the other hand, you may be developing something for later in your story, in which case, ignore this all together. *grin*
I have a hard time reconciling Michael oogling Nikita's legs when Operations and Madeline have been shot in Section. Michael, for me, was always "all business" in a crisis. I'm also uncomfortable with your use of "kinda" in this context... it just doesn't fit. Nikita might think/talk that way, but no one else in Section that I can think of.
Well, I have to run for now. I hope you find these comments helpful. Please remember this is YOUR story and you are free to use or ignore my comments.
~delle
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Re: Thanks Delle but... -- Deedra, 11:23:56 06/14/02 Fri
Hello delle,
Thanks so much for your replies. Many thanks.
Yes, I could use a little help here. Starting with this.
The title is The Copy Cat Conspiricy, hence no one really knows who's who at this point. How do I keep that a secret, for a while, but convey a strong story to the reader at the same time?
Also, I like detailed technology and missions as well as the psychology the best. Hence, I don't care too much for the sex or violence. Is it possible to employee these things to satisfy myself and not be ditched by the laymen reader? (I don't think so.) I hope to share my interests with others whom also may not be laymans and wish the same or more detail in the areas of these interest.
In addition, I truly like the music surrounding the old scenes. Is there a correct way to implement old or new tunes? This is also something that I think strongly sets the LFN saga apart from other sagas. By the introduction of a familiar melody or tune, the reader recalls past events associated with old memories or builds new ones.
I'm not really a writer as you can see. Hence a Beta Reader is a must.
I just miss them all so much.
Deedra
Delle wrote;
I have a hard time reconciling Michael oogling Nikita's legs when Operations and Madeline have been shot in Section. Michael, for me, was always "all business" in a crisis. I'm also uncomfortable with your use of "kinda" in this context... it just doesn't fit. Nikita might think/talk that way, but no one else in Section that I can think of.
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Is there a vocabulary/jargon link? -- Deedra, 11:30:17 06/14/02 Fri
Hey everone,
Is there a vocabulary/jargon link for LFN stories?
This is all I have for reference; U.S. MILITARY ABBREVIATION AND ACRONYM LIST
http://www.2-sir.com/TwinFalls/acronym6.html#C
Deedra
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The best place to start (r) -- ~delle, 15:47:43 06/14/02 Fri
is the LFN Writers Resource Board.
http://members.cox.net/specopfloyd/home.html
As to your other questions: although there is a preponderance (sp?) of romantic/sex stories on the boards these days, some of the best LFN stories ever were mission-based.
Have you ever looked at Ranma's archive?
http://www.thesplitpersonality.net/lfn/writers/writers.shtml
A couple of excellent action-based-plot writers are Betsy (not Betsy G, just Betsy) and Enjoue. Jean also has some terrific ones, try her Madison series especially; it starts with "Grateful Dead".
As to music... ::shrug:: I can only speak for myself. I don't use music links when they're linked to a story. But that's me.
Who is who... well, this is a little harder. Let me start here: do you know who is who? Is the story done? Because if you're going to insert little hints about true identities, obviously you need to know who is 'real' and who is not.
As always, this is just my opinion. Feel free to think about it, use it or just throw it away.
~delle
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Re: The best place to start (r)/ Thank's... -- Deedra, 20:59:56 06/14/02 Fri
Hello again,
Thanks for the links.
Yes, I know who is who. Story to end. Can't you tell from the intro-draft? Really you need the rest of the intro for that. I have been working on the rest of it, 6 to 8 pages, just the intro/foundation to this story.
I will remove the music links. Period.
Thanks, you've been a great help.
Deedra
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The Copy-Cat Conspiracy. Part 1 -- Deedra, 15:36:41 06/18/02 Tue
Need a Beta Reader.... The Copy-Cat Conspiracy. -- Deedra, 13:23:45 06/13/02 Thu
The Copy-Cat Conspiracy.
by Deedra Nikita
-----------------------------------
Referenced; U.S. MILITARY ABBREVIATION AND ACRONYM LIST
http://www.2-sir.com/TwinFalls/acronym6.html#C
-----------------------------------
In the tower, a soft contemporary melody surrounds Paul and Madeline as they share a Hallmark moment. Slightly tipsy on champagne after dancing cheek to cheek and bedding, they intimately settle back on the bed to relax.
Unexpectedly, there's a knock on the door. Paul sits up and yells, "Who is it? Damn!" Paul looks at Madeline shaking his head, "Why?"
As Madeline hustles to find her robe, she tries to calm Paul with a smile. "Calm down, Paul. It could be important."
"Sir?" Walter loudly clears his throat, "It.... Its Walter. Sorry to interrupt you. George is at COMM threatening to blow Section if you don't show up soon."
Paul yells again, "What the hell! Where's Michael?" Lowering his voice, "I'll never put him in charge again."
Paul and Madeline scurry to dress as Paul continues to flame at Walter through the door, "Walter! Find Michael! Tell him to put George in containment. I'll be right out!"
As Walter takes off to find Michael, Madeline and Paul are finished dressing when suddenly the air vent cover falls to the floor and a sniper begins to assassinate them. Paul is hit first, and falls to the floor as his eyes connect with Madeline, who is reaching for a gun from a near by drawer. Shot in the back, she falls slowly to the floor next to the bed. Pausing for a moment, the sniper, looks at Paul and Madeline then runs out the door.
Meanwhile, Walter has found Michael on a lower level around data central and proceeds to fill him in as they walk back to Michael's office. As Michael takes a seat at his desk, he glances at Nikita who is sitting on his desk flipping his lamp on and off. He can't help but notice the way her skirt is kinda hiked up on her leg. He sighs, looking back at Walter, "Go to Seymore and tell him to pull up a PC-34 on the west wing terminal."
As Walter takes off to COMM, Michael notices a masked man with a gun in black pants and shirt descending from the tower stairs towards the exit terminal. Michael orders Nikita, "Call medical and have them meet us in the tower."
As alarms go off, everyone in section is running around in chaos. Michael calmly gets a gun from his desk then embarks for the tower. Intercepting two operatives on his way, he instructs them to find a man in black shirt and pants around the exit terminal. Nikita calls the infirmary then heads for the tower.
The tower door is slightly open when Michael arrives. Without expression, he slowly pushes the door open the rest of the way with the end of the gun which reveals Operation's bleeding body at the foot of the bed. Checking the room for hostiles first, Michael calmly moves to Operation's side then kneels to take his vital signs. Before he can determine whether Paul is alive, the med-techs arrive and Michael moves aside.
As Nikita enters the door way, her eyes meet with Michael's. Michael walks to the intercom to buzz Seymore, "Seymore here!"
Michael replies, "Seymore, turn the alarms off then have George put in detainment." Seymore reluctantly replies, "Ah.., he is right here." George takes the COMM., "What the hell are you...." George is cut short as his two body guards fall to the floor.
"Seymore have the ops take George to containment." Michael leaves the room with Nikita trailing his heals.
As Michael and Nikita arrive at containment, George is already strapped in the chair. Michael walks around the room a couple of times as Nikita stands in support.
Nikita addresses George first, "George, I thought Operations disposed of you?"
George replies, "What? Obviously naut!" Nikita looks and Michael.
Michael supports Nikita's inquiry, "The question is, what to do with you now? You are a Red Cell trader."
George defends himself, "What are you talking about? Seriously. Where is Operations?"
As Michael continues to interrogate George, Nikita slips out to check on Operations and Madeline. When Nikita enters the infirmary, she sees both Operations and Madeline being fussed over. She interjects, "How are they?"
The chief physician replies, "Their wounds are clean. I think they'll live."
Nikita is joined by Walter then Seymore as the chief physician steps away. "What's the prognosis?" Walter asks visibly concerned.
"It's not good, she replies staring into the infirmary, but the doctor thinks they'll live."
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The Copy-Cat Conspiracy. Part 2. -- Deedra, 14:21:25 06/18/02 Tue
Part 2
Back in the white room, A COMM. is piped through to Michael it's Birkoff, "We have found the sniper."
"Take him or her to holding cell 2," orders Michael.
Michael immediately leaves the white room. Standing behind the bullet proof glass, Michael instructs one of the twins to remove the veil from the snipers head. The woman twin does. To everyone's surprise it's Davenport. Davenport looks up slowly, and their eyes lock. Michael looks away then heads for the infirmary.
Birkoff, Walter and Nikita are still standing out side talking. Nikita calls to Michael but he ignores her. Michael heads to Operations first but the head physician deflects him to Madeline who is conscious.
"Michael, there is no time to waist. You must close down Section immediately. Don't hesitate, just do it."
Michael walks to the COMM. as Birkoff follows to broadcasts the order for Sections shutdown. Then Michael returns to Madeline's side who then orders everyone out of the room.
As Walter and Nikita stand outside the infirmary watching Madeline and Michael, Michael moves to Operation's side and respectfully takes the Command key from around his neck then returns to Madelines side. Michael helps Madeline sit up then hands the Command key to her. When Michael kneels and lowers his head, she drapes the Command key on him. Michael slowly stands up as Madeline strains to straighten the key. He gently lays her back down. After a few minutes of silence passes, Madeline falls to sleep and Michael leaves the infirmary for Birkoff's station.
"Birkoff, call all primary ops to the missions desk alpha code priority one."
Birkoff swings his chair around to make the annoucement, "All primary ops to the mission desk for an alpha code priority one. " Birkoff repeats the hail two more times.
As 6 special operatives merge to the missions desk wide eyed, Michael proceeds to explain.
"There has been a incident on Level 29. Walter asks, "Level 29?"
Michael looks at Walter heavily but continues, "It seems that Section has found a way to clone operatives and they are loose on the lower levels. Report to Operation's office for further orders."
Everyone moves to Operation's office. Birkoff glazes up at Operation's office as the 6 operatives fill in the perch
window goes fades to black.
In Paul's office, Michael takes a micro tags from the drawer, cloaks the perch window then proceeds to interview each operative individually. He passes his left hand near the left side of the operatives head causing the operative to move away from his advance then Michael places the micro tag with his right hand. Hence masking the micro tagging. When he finishes Michael instructs everyone to report to Walter for weapons. Everyone leaves for Walter's station, leaving Nikita and Michael in Operation's office.
"I told you didn't I. " Nikita sarcastically can't help but mention.
"Nikita, we don't have time for this."
He moves closer to her almost standing on her. He places his hand at the back of her head like he is going to kiss her but places his cheek against hers. Nikita moves back but Michael holds her tighter. She begins to relax as he whispers in her hear. Then just a abrupt as he moved in on her, he walks away. Puzzled by his moves and somewhat excited she asks, "Michael, where will you be?"
Without answering her, "I need you to report to Walter's station with everyone else then meet me in my office. "
"Sure."
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Comments (r) -- Nestra, 13:31:59 06/19/02 Wed
Back in the white room, A COMM. is piped through to Michael it's Birkoff, "We have found the sniper."
Capitalize White Room. As delle pointed out, COMM is not the word for a communication in Section. You need to start a new sentence between "Michael" and "it's".
"Take him or her to holding cell 2," orders Michael.
Generally, people don't talk like that. Michael would probably just say "him" and apologize later if it turns out to be a her.
Michael immediately leaves the white room. Standing behind the bullet proof glass,
Whoa. How did Michael get from Point A (the White Room) to Point B (the holding cell)?
Michael instructs one of the twins
The who? I assume you mean the Torture Twins, but not everyone calls them that, and even if they did, fan nicknames for characters have no place in a story.
to remove the veil from the snipers head.
sniper's
The woman twin does. To everyone's surprise it's Davenport. Davenport looks up slowly, and their eyes lock.
His eyes lock with everyone?
Michael looks away commathen heads for the infirmary.
Birkoff, Walter and Nikita are still standing out side talking.
Outside is one word.
Nikita calls to Michael comma but he ignores her. Michael heads to Operations first comma but the head physician deflects him to Madeline comma who is conscious.
"Michael, there is no time to waist. You must close down Section immediately. Don't hesitate, just do it."
Waste, not waist.
Michael walks to the COMM. as Birkoff follows to broadcasts the order for Sections shutdown.
I'd probably call it an intercom, in this context.
Also, why is it important that Birkoff followed him? For that matter, why did Birkoff follow him? It just confuses your sentence. Also, "Section's".
Then Michael returns to Madeline's side who then orders everyone out of the room.
It's unclear who "who" refers to. Michael? Madeline?
As Walter and Nikita stand outside the infirmary watching Madeline and Michael,
What happened to Birkoff?
Michael moves to Operation's side and respectfully takes the Command key from around his neck then returns to Madelines side.
Michael moves to Operations' side and respectfully takes the command key from around his neck comma then returns to Madeline's side.
Michael helps Madeline sit up comma then hands the Command key to her.
When Michael kneels and lowers his head, she drapes the Command key on him.
You drape something over someone, not on him. Also, draping really refers to some piece of fabric. A blanket, a scarf, etc. And why this involved ritual for giving Michael command of Section?
After a few minutes of silence passes,
Your verb, pass, needs to agree with your subject, minutes.
As 6 special operatives merge to the missions desk wide eyed, Michael proceeds to explain.
People don't really merge unless they're in cars and on a freeway.
"There has been a incident on Level 29. Walter asks, "Level 29?"
You need to end the quotes before "Walter" and start a new paragraph with the new speaker.
Michael looks at Walter heavily but continues, "It seems that Section has found a way to clone operatives and they are loose on the lower levels. Report to Operation's office for further orders."
I'm sorry, how does Michael know this? There was no indication that he and Madeline talked in the infirmary.
Birkoff glazes up
gazes
at Operation's office as the 6 operatives fill in the perch window goes fades to black.
Start a new sentence after office. You've also got an extra verb there, with "goes fades". As I'm sure you decided, fades is a much more descriptive verb.
In Paul's office,
It was Operations' office a few minutes ago. Why change the way you're describing it?
Michael takes a micro tags from the drawer,
What are "micro tags"?
cloaks the perch window
That already happened.
He passes his left hand near the left side of the operatives operative's head comma causing the operative to move away from his advance new sentence then Michael places the micro tag with his right hand. Hence masking the micro tagging.
He does this six times, and no one figures out that something odd is going on? Especially since he's not actually speaking to them?
"I told you comma didn't I. " Nikita sarcastically can't help but mention.
He moves closer to her almost standing on her.
That doesn't sound very comfortable.
She begins to relax as he whispers in her hear.
in her ear.
Then just a abrupt as he moved in on her, he walks away.
just as abruptly
Puzzled by his moves
She's not the only one. What is the reason behind this action? Unless he tagged her, I suppose. But if that's the case, why be coy about that when we already know that Michael just tagged six other people?
The thing I find lacking, overall, is a sense of description. This reads more like a recitation of events than a story. We need people's emotions. We need descriptions of their faces, their tones of voice, their movements. Otherwise, it's very hard to get people emotionally involved in the story you're telling.
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The Copy-Cat Conspiracy. Part 3. -- Deedra, 14:53:50 06/18/02 Tue
Part 3
Michael returns to holding cell 2 where the twins are working on Davenport. Michael instructs them both to leave. Closing the door behind them, he notices that an operative is standing in the observation window. Michael gestures to him to leave and he does. Michael walks slowly around Davenport a couple of times. Stopping in front of him Michael punches him and busts his lip. Davenport shakes it off as blood oozes down his chin. Davenport smiles as Michael moves behind him. Placing his hands on Davenports temples, Michael slowly runs his hands down to his kneck. Smiling no more, Michael places a micro tag on the back of his kneck after having pinched him to mask the tag. Michael then releases Davenport from the chair.
"Davenport, go with the guards out side. They will escort you to a holding room. Stay there; I will visit you later."
Michael returns to his office where Nikita is waiting for him as the two guards escort Davenport to a guarded holding room.
"Nikita come with me."
Michael heads for Walter's station with Nikita in tow.
"Walter, I want you to issue only stun guns to the active operatives. " "What?" Walter replies.
"Do it! Also Walter, I want you to lock up all the other weapons and guard them with your life. This level is the only one that has weapons. " Michael orders sturnly.
"Sure, Okay. Whatever you say."
"The rest of you have your orders. Take your positions until you hear different from me. Keep it low key. I don't want this escalating into a red herring. The operatives engage.
Michael calls out to Nikita and she stops. He nods at her and she nods back as she turns to carry out her orders.
Michael returns to the infirmary where Madeline is now unconscious. By now Operations is awake and speaks with a strained voice,
"Report."
"Madeline has filled me in on the clone project."
Paul turns his head away from Michael in pain and asks, "How is Madeline?"
"She'll live," a moment of silence passes, "How would you like to proceed? " asks Michael.
"I need to speak with Madeline." he replies as he tries to sit up.
Michael calls the physician over to move Paul closer to Madeline. Paul asks Michael for so privacy, and Michael backs off. As Paul and Madeline parley, Michael becomes visibly impatient and interjects with a hand gesture which Madeline pulls rank on.
"Paul, I can take it from here. You need to rest."
Paul lays back on his gurney as Michael calls the nurse to put him back in his recovery room. Two nurses rush to Operations side fussing over him as they cart him away.
Madeline askes, "Michael, did you successfully secure Section?"
"Yes."
Madeline then curiously asks, "Who shot us?"
"Davenport."
Madeline looks away and smiles just a little. "Where is he now? "
"Under guard on ice."
Michael takes Madeline's hand for support. Her speech is weak, "Go to my office and enter this code to access Davenports file. There will be the information we will need to defeat all the clones. Then decommission the west wing elevator and assign guards."
Michael heads towards Madeline's office.
When Michael arrives, Madeline's office door is open. He cautiously enters making sure the room is clean. Michael strolls round the desk to sit at the PC but stops. He looks off into mid air for a moment then glances back at the monitor. The P.C. monitor shows, Format Complete, at the bottom of the screen. With little else to do, Michael returns to Birkoff's station.
"Where is Nikita?" Michael asks.
"She said something about level 29." Birkoff rolls his chair around to face Michael and pulls up Nikita's position on the
PC.
"Yeahp! She's almost to the 29th level in the elevator shaft." replies Birkoff.
"Birkoff." Michael interups, "I need you to decommission the the west wing elevator then assign a tandem team. Then inform Madeline that her PC has been formatted. And that I will contact her after I check on Nikita."
"Do you want me to take a look at ....?" Birkoff asks.
Michael takes off towards the elevator to find Nikita without answering him. Birkoff glares at Michael as he heads for the infirmary, "Anti-Social."
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The Copy-Cat Conspiracy. Part 3. more comments -- ~delle, 18:55:27 06/19/02 Wed
again, I'm using italics for my comments
Michael returns to holding cell 2 it's a writing convention that numbers are generally spelled out. Cell Two where the twins are working on Davenport. "Working on"? That's rather vague. Are they beating him? Using that nasty sinus thingie we saw thru the years? Michael instructs them both to leave. Closing the door behind them, he notices that an operative is standing in the observation window. Michael gestures to him to leave and he does. Is this foreshadowing? Or unnecessary? Because at this point in the story, it's annoying. Michael walks slowly around Davenport a couple of times. "couple of times." Slang again. Stopping in front of him comma Michael punches him and busts his lip. "Busts his lip" is awfully slang-y. Can you find a better way to describe it? Davenport shakes it off as blood oozes down his chin. Davenport smiles as Michael moves behind him. Placing his hands on Davenports temples, Michael slowly runs his hands down to his kneck. Smiling no more, Michael's smiling? A sentence ago it was Davenport. Michael places a micro tag on the back of his kneck after having pinched him to mask the tag. NOW you tell us Michael pinches his neck? This entire sentence seems (to me) to be backward. Michael should pinch first, then apply the tag. And why doesn't Davenport react to the pinch? Wouldn't Davenport suspect Michael was up to something? Michael then releases Davenport from the chair.
"Davenport, go with the guards out side."outside" is one word. They will escort you to a holding room. Stay there; I will visit you later."
Now, were I Davenport, I'd be so freaking suspicious.... First Michael punches me in the face, then he pinches my neck, now he releases me? What's Davenport's reaction to all this?
Michael returns to his office where Nikita is waiting for him as the two guards escort Davenport to a guarded holding room.
"Nikita comma come with me."
Michael heads for Walter's station with Nikita in tow. Is he dragging her behind him? That's what "in tow" implies to me.
"Walter, I want you to issue only stun guns to the active operatives. "new paragraph "What?" Walter replies.
"Do it! Also Walter, I want you to lock up all the other weapons and guard them with your life. This level is the only one that has weapons. " Michael orders sturnly. I think you mean "sternly".
"Sure, Okay. Whatever you say."
"The rest of you have your orders. Where? When? How did they get their orders? Take your positions until you hear different from me. Keep it low key. I don't want this escalating into a red herring. The operatives engage. "I don't want this escalating into a red herring." Um... what? I have no clue what you're trying to say. Then you have "The operatives engage." Did you miss a closing quote? Is this part of Michael's dialog? The operatives engage... in what? I get two images here; either Jean-Luc Picard saying "Engage" or operatives passing around diamond rings. LOL! I'm sure you have something else in mind.
Michael calls out to Nikita and she stops. He nods at her and she nods back as she turns to carry out her orders. Um... this is positively confusing. She just heard Michael's orders, so why does he need to stop her and nod at her so she knows to follow his order?
Michael returns to the infirmary where Madeline is now unconscious. By now Operations is awake and speaks with a strained voice, period, not comma.
"Report."
"Madeline has filled me in on the clone project."
Paul turns his head away from Michael in pain and asks, "How is Madeline?"
"She'll live," a moment of silence passes, "How would you like to proceed? " asks Michael.
"She'll live,(period)" (Capital A, new sentence)a moment of silence passes,(Period) "How would you like to proceed?(delete extra space) " asks Michael.
"I need to speak with Madeline.(comma)" he replies as he tries to sit up.
Michael calls the physician over to move Paul closer to Madeline. Paul asks Michael for so(??some??) privacy, and Michael backs off. As Paul and Madeline parley, Michael becomes visibly impatient and interjects with a hand gesture which Madeline pulls rank on. As far as I know - and others here may correct me - *words* interject, not movements. He could *interrupt*, not *interject*. "Madeline pulls rank on" makes no sense to me. Is she speaking authoritatively? Giving Michael the "evil eye"?
"Paul, I can take it from here. You need to rest."
Paul lays back on his gurney as Michael calls the nurse to put him back in his recovery room. Two nurses rush to Operations side fussing over him as they cart him away.
Madeline askes, "Michael, did you successfully secure Section?"
"Yes."
Madeline then curiously asks, "Who shot us?"
"Davenport."
Madeline looks away and smiles just a little. "Where is he now? "
"Under guard on ice." On ice? Again, very slang-y speech. Not something I expect to hear from Michael.
Michael takes Madeline's hand for support.Support? Hers or his? Until your next sentence, you've not given the reader any indication that Madeline is frail or not doing well. Her speech is weak,Period "Go to my office and enter this code to access Davenports Davenport's file. There will be the information we will need to defeat all the clones. Then decommission the west wing elevator and assign guards."
Michael heads towards Madeline's office.
When Michael arrives, Madeline's office door is open. He cautiously enters making sure the room is clean. Michael strolls round the desk to sit at the PC but stops. He looks off into mid air for a moment then glances back at the monitor. The P.C. monitor shows, no comma Format Complete, no comma at the bottom of the screen. With little else to do, Michael returns to Birkoff's station. I'm assuming you intend for the reader to surmise that someone else has already been there. But wouldn't Michael try the code anyway?
"Where is Nikita?" Michael asks.
"She said something about level 29." Birkoff rolls his chair around to face Michael and pulls up Nikita's position on the
PC.
"Yeahp! typo She's almost to the 29th level in the elevator shaft." replies Birkoff.
"Birkoff." Michael interups, interrupts "I need you to decommission the the west wing elevator then assign a tandem team. Then inform Madeline that her PC has been formatted. And that I will contact her after I check on Nikita."
"Do you want me to take a look at ....?" Birkoff asks.
Michael takes off towards the elevator to find Nikita without answering him. Birkoff glares at Michael as he heads for the infirmary, "Anti-Social."
OK, those are my "nuts and bolts" comments. Now for a comment on the story in general.
Like Nestra, I find your story... cold? You've said that your interests are scientific, so that may be part of the difficulty. Writing fiction is very different from technical writing. In fiction writing, you need much more than "Just the fact, ma'am." Readers need scene-setting - yes, we all know what Section looks like, but is it warm? cold? Do the voices echo in that cavernous space over Comm? What does Michael look like when he punches Davenport? Angry? Resigned? That famous "blank face"?
It's the details, the descriptions and the adjectives that make the characters come to life, to spring into three dimensions from the two-dimensional computer screen.
Are you familiar with the writing mantra "Show, not tell"? It's much more difficult than one would think. Certainly it's something I struggle with constantly.
As always, (always, always, always, this is why I usually don't beta because it's such a fine line to walk) this is YOUR story. You are the author. You must write it as you see fit.
JMVHO, as always.
~delle
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Re: Part 3. more comments....Thanks! -- Deedra, 11:51:34 06/20/02 Thu
Hey everyone,
I truly appreciate everyone's time and effort. I am working on the changes you've suggested.
Also, understand that this is just a rough draft and in no way a final draft. With your help I will be making many changes.
Hence, ~delle wrote; Also, Are you familiar with the writing Mantra "Show, not tell"? It's much more difficult than one would think. Certainly it's something I struggle with constantly.
Yes, The expressions need to be added and will come in time.
I wanted to get the grammar, punctuation, and plot straighten out first. I know.. It's a mess! :-]
As you stated mantra is a struggle. I wanted to divide then concur that aspect. Mantra is next.
Thanks and God bless you all.
Deedra
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The Copy-Cat Conspiracy. Part 4 -- Deedra, 14:57:32 06/18/02 Tue
Part 4
Nikita climbs down the elevator shaft to the 29th level, and tries to open the door. She can't quite manage it, so she ascends to the 26 ths floor where the door is slightly open. She manages to open door and crawls in. Not Seeing the little golden blonde haired girl at first, Nikita stands up slowly. After taking a couple of steps, Nikita notices the little girl at the end of the hall. The little girl darts around the corner and Nikita pursues. Nikita rounds a couple of corners to find one of the top operatives lying on the floor. She stops to examine him. She checks him for a micro tag which she finds then covers it with his own hair so that no one can see it. Nikita looks up to see Davenport standing at the end of the hall. They stare for a moment while Nikita stands up. While Nikita is moving closer to Davenport, Nikita tells him that she can help him and the others.
"No one needs to get hurt. Just come back to operations with me and everything will be fine. "
Nikita stops when she sees Michael round the corner with a gun on Davenport. Nikita sighs with relief. Then Michael steps pass Davenport, and that famous expression of Epiphany floods Nikita's face. After a short altercation with a stun-gun, Davenport and Michael put Nikita in a room. Checking her for micro tags and removing them, they lock her in room. She was there for what seemed like hours before someone broght her sustenance. Over coming the servant, Nikita escapes back up the elevator shaft.
Michael sees Nikita's egress from the elevator shaft and over takes her. Michael throws Nikita to the floor and hobbling her.
"Michael, what are you doing. Let me up!"
"Just a minute, " he replies while flipping Nikita over on her stomach. Checking for a micro tag he put there earlier, he doesn't find it. He then stuns her and carries her limp body to the holding cell area. After laying her gently down, Michael drawes his thumb slowly over her right eyebrow then leaves to address more pressing issues with Paul in the infirmary.
Walter and Birkoff see Michael carrying Nikita's limp body pass their stations. Birkoff and Walter connect then follow Michael to the holding cell area. They catch up with Michael just after he locks her in.
"What are you doing, Michael? " Walter cries out.
"I need you at your station, Walter. " Michael replies as he walks pass them.
Birkoff jumps at the opportunity to tell Michael that he gave Madeline his message about the PC and adds,
"Is she dead?"
"No, Michael replies, "I found her coming out of the elevator shaft. She's to stay here. Let me know when she comes to. "
Walter and Birkoff walk back to their stations as Michael continues towardss the infirmary. As soon as Michael is out of site, Walter heads in Nikita's direction. He opens the door and enters quietly. Setting next to Nikita he tries to wake her,
"Sugar! Nikita?, Wake up!" Nikita moans then jumps up swinging.
"Woo Sugar!" Nikita just misses him.
"It's just me, Walter."
"Walter, what's going on? Michael wouldn't listen to me." Nikita continues to tell Walter what happened to her. So Walter lets her out. Nikita heads out of Section to her apartment.
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Comments (r) -- Nestra, 08:16:11 06/20/02 Thu
She can't quite manage it, so she ascends to the 26 ths floor
26th. Or twenty-sixth.
She manages to open the door and crawls in.
Not Seeing
Don't capitalize "seeing"
She checks him for a micro tag which she finds
Has Michael told her about these tags? These tags which we, the readers, still know nothing about?
Then Michael steps pass Davenport, and that famous expression of Epiphany floods Nikita's face.
I'm sorry. The what? I have absolutely no idea what is meant by "famous expression of epiphany", and if it's supposedly famous, you'd think I'd know.
What I'm missing here, and in the rest of the story, are connections. You obviously have this all plotted out, and it makes perfect sense to you. But you have to make those connections for the reader. Very few people are going to persevere through a story when they don't understand what's going on.
After a short altercation with a stun-gun, Davenport and Michael put Nikita in a room.
1) You can't have an altercation with an inanimate object. 2) Who was doing the fighting? It's very unclear.
Checking her for micro tags and removing them, they lock her in room.
A room. Or the room.
She was there for what seemed like hours before someone broght her sustenance.
This sentence is in past tense. The rest of the story is in present tense.
Over coming the servant, Nikita escapes back up the elevator shaft.
Overcoming is one word. And "servant"? That's an interesting word choice. I don't think Section has servants.
Michael sees Nikita's egress from the elevator shaft and over takes her.
Overtakes is one word.
Michael throws Nikita to the floor and hobbling her.
hobbles her.
"Michael, what are you doing question mark Let me up!"
After laying her gently down, Michael drawes his thumb slowly over her right eyebrow then leaves to address more pressing issues with Paul in the infirmary.
I can't believe Michael would think of Operations as "Paul".
Walter and Birkoff see Michael carrying Nikita's limp body pass their stations.
"past their stations."
Birkoff and Walter connect
Connect what? Or connect how?
"What are you doing, Michael? " Walter cries out.
I thought Michael had already left.
"I need you at your station, Walter. " Michael replies as he walks pass them.
PAST them. And you need a comma, not a period after Walter.
Birkoff jumps at the opportunity to tell Michael that he gave Madeline his message about the PC and adds,
"Is she dead?"
You need to make it clear that "she" refers to Nikita. Since Birkoff was just talking about Madeline, it would be strange for him to ask if Madeline was dead.
So Walter lets her out. Nikita heads out of Section to her apartment.
There's this huge crisis in Section, but Walter lets her out of the holding cell, completely contrary to everyone's orders, and she goes home? I'm sorry, that just doesn't make much sense.
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Re: Comments (r) > I've made the corrections. You're great! Thanks. -- Deedra, 13:23:00 06/20/02 Thu
Hello,
You're great!
And you are so right about this.(LOL) I've got the rough areas marked. :-] It will come. And you keep it coming too!
~delle wrote; What I'm missing here, and in the rest of the story, are connections. You obviously have this all plotted out, and it makes perfect sense to you. But you have to make those connections for the reader. Very few people are going to persevere through a story when they don't understand what's going on.
Thanks.
God bless,
Deedra
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The Copy-Cat Conspiracy. Part 5 -- Deedra, 15:00:51 06/18/02 Tue
Part 5
Meanwhile, Michael is arguing with Paul in the infirmary.
"Michael, take me to George. "
"No! You're not well enough."
"The physician said it was okay." Paul huffs.
Michael turns to the chief physician for confirmation. Who nods his head and waves them on. Michael and Paul arrive at George's cell to find George enraged for the way he has been treated.
"Paul, you let me out of the this damn chair; right now!"
"I thought I canceled you? George."
"What are you talking about? I been in deep cover for the last 9 months."
Paul moves towards the door.
"I'm not convinced you are who you say you are, just yet. You will stay here for a while until I get some answers."
As Paul exits, he glances back to see George ranting and raving. Then door shuts and locks. Paul pauses as George continues boasting and smiles then he continues on to the infirmary to speak to Madeline.
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Comments (r) -- Nestra, 08:29:10 06/20/02 Thu
"The physician said it was okay." Paul huffs.
Given that Operations is very strong-willed, I don't think that he'd resort to this kind of argument with Michael. It sort of turns him into a petulant child. At least that's the impression that I get.
Michael turns to the chief physician for confirmation. Who nods his head and waves them on.
This should be one sentence.
"What are you talking about? I been in deep cover for the last 9 months."
I've been in deep cover...
Then door shuts and locks.
The door shuts and locks itself?
Paul pauses as George continues boasting and smiles
George boasts and smiles? I know that's not what you mean, but without the correct punctuation, it's unclear.
then he continues on to the infirmary to speak to Madeline.
Wasn't Operations wounded worse than Madeline? Why is she still confined to the infirmary?
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Re: Comments (r) / Just wonderful. Working on it. Thanks again. -- Deedra, 13:50:04 06/20/02 Thu
Hello,
It's coming right alone.:-]
God bless,
Deedra
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The Copy-Cat Conspiracy. Part 6 -- Deedra, 15:16:29 06/18/02 Tue
Part 6
Nikita enters her apartment and locks the door behind her. She goes to the refrigerator and drinks from the milk carton. The milk is sour, and Nikita spits it in the sink then pores the rest of the carton upside down into the sink as well. Then washes out her mouth with water from the tap. Wiping her mouth with her forearm, she heads for her bedroom. She grabs a few things, puts them in a small carry on luggage bag then fills a large bag, and then heads out the door. As she shuts her front door, she hears,
"Popsicle!"
She stops, turns around to face Mick Schtoppel and surprisingly Marco O'Brian. Mick and Marco are blocking Nikita's egress. Nikita looks down, cocks her head to the side then she looks up at both of them with a glare,
"Stand aside boys!" Nikita looks directly at Marco who should be dead.
"Wait! Nikita, We need to talk with you."
Mick and Marco put there hands up to stop her.
Nikita stops and snorts, "I don't have time for this boys."
"Popsicle just hear us out." Mick pleads.
Nikita attemps a second advance, "I don't think so!"
Mick and Marco grapple her and they struggle. Marco stuns her and as she slowly falls to the floor, Mick and Marco catch her then carry her back into the apartment placing her limp body gently on the sofa. Marco makes a phone call while securing Nikita. Retrieving Nikita's luggage from the corridor, Mick looks around nervously then shuts the front door.
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Comments on 6 and 7 combined (r) -- Nestra, 19:53:31 06/20/02 Thu
Nikita spits it in the sink then pores the rest of the carton
pours
Then she washes out her mouth with water from the tap.
She grabs a few things, puts them in a small carry on luggage bag
carry-on
Mick and Marco are blocking Nikita's egress.
Egress is a pretty specific term. I doubt Nikita thinks of every exit and departure as an egress.
Nikita looks down, cocks her head to the side
What is she looking at?
"Stand aside comma boys!" Nikita looks directly at Marco who should be dead.
Why? O'Brien didn't die until after Operations and Madeline, and both of them are alive and well in this story. Also, if Nikita thought he was dead, why wasn't she more surprised to see him?
"Wait! Nikita, We need to talk with you."
"Wait, Nikita. We need to talk with you."
Mick and Marco put there hands up to stop her.
their
Nikita stops and snorts, "I don't have time for this comma boys."
"Popsicle comma just hear us out comma" Mick pleads.
Mick and Marco grapple her
Either they grab her or they grapple with her, and grapple means struggle.
Marco makes a phone call while securing Nikita.
Securing how? How can he do both at once?
'Michael, where is Nikita? Shouts Operations.
"Michael, where is Nikita?" shouts Operations.
"I'm not sure. A couple of hours ago, I found who I thought could be a cloned Nikita coming out of the elevator shaft and put her in containment, "replied Michael.
This is no explanation for how Michael lost her.
Then turns to his terminal to make sure their coming.
Then he turns to his terminal to make sure they're coming.
"Paul," Operations turns to face Madeline,
This makes it sound like Operations was speaking and just called himself Paul.
"To expedite our agenda,
What? What does that mean? (and I don't mean that I need definitions of the words. I mean that the phrase doesn't make any sense.)
we need to access the terminalson level 29.
terminals on
Because someone has formatted my pc,
1) He'd probably say "computer".
2) When did this happen? We never saw this.
we have little choice but to chance the lower levels which are governed by the Ersatz Alliance.
The clones, which were supposedly under Section's control until now, had time to form a government?
Davenport's directory of clone is there which will arrest this exigency.
I'm sorry, I have no idea what this means.
Operations begins to introduce the operatives, "Alpha team will be Michael, Grant, who specializes in hacking.
Jake and Heath, whose specialties are sniper and assassin. Kira, who specializes in Cryogenicsfrom the lower level. Denise, who is a chief assistant strategist to Madeline."
You need to separate a list like this with either commas or semicolons.
Denise will stay here and work with Birkoff if Nikita shows up. "
What does Denise working with Birkoff have to do with Nikita?
Michael interjects, "Nikita didn't answer her phone period"
Operations continues, "The objective, for now, is to obtain Davenport's directory from the PC. You have your orders."
How will a directory help them stop these clones?
with Michael and the new special task force in tow.
After Walter distributes weapons, Michael and his special task team are seen descending at the elevator shaft.
Are seen by who?
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Re: Comments on 6 and 7 combined (r) -Thanks -- Deedra, 07:50:14 06/24/02 Mon
Many thanks.
God bless,
Deedra
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The Copy-Cat Conspiracy. Part 7 -- Deedra, 15:26:06 06/18/02 Tue
Part 7
Meanwhile back at Section, Madeline, and Operations are at Birkoff's station in wheel chairs with Michael at their sides.
"We need to assemble a new special task team, immediately. " Operations orders Birkoff.
Birkoff wheels his chair around and begins to call up more operatives.
'Michael, where is Nikita? Shouts Operations.
"I'm not sure. A couple of hours ago, I found who I thought could be a cloned Nikita coming out of the elevator shaft and put her in containment, "replied Michael.
"Call her. "
Michael proceeds to make the call while Operations continues, "Birkoff, get me a couple of special operatives down here now!"
Birkoff turns to Operations, "Already on it. They're on their way." Then turns to his terminal to make sure their coming.
"Paul," Operations turns to face Madeline, "To expedite our agenda, we need to access the terminalson level 29. Because someone has formatted my pc, we have little choice but to chance the lower levels which are governed by the Ersatz Alliance. Davenport's directory of clone is there which will arrest this exigency.
"Birkoff, have everyone assemble at the missions desk. "
Birkoff nods his head.
At the missions desk, we see, Paul, Madeline, Michael, Walter and Birkoff sitting at the desk with the following new special operatives standing behind then; Grant, Jake, Heath, Kira, Denise.
Operations begins to introduce the operatives, "Alpha team will be Michael, Grant, who specializes in hacking.
Jake and Heath, whose specialties are sniper and assassin. Kira, who specializes in Cryogenicsfrom the lower level. Denise, who is a chief assistant strategist to Madeline."
"There is no specific intel on the lower levels right now. We will pipe you the info as soon as Kira finishes her report. Denise will stay here and work with Birkoff if Nikita shows up. "
Michael interjects, "Nikita didn't answer her phone"
Operations continues, "The objective, for now, is to obtain Davenport's directory from the PC. You have your orders."
Madeline joins Operations as they return to the infirmary. Birkoff heads off to COMM with Denise and Walter to weapons with Michael and the new special task in tow.
After Walter distributes weapons, Michael and his special task team are seen descending at the elevator shaft.
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The Copy-Cat Conspiracy. Part 8 -- Deedra, 15:27:47 06/18/02 Tue
Part 8
Nikita is tied up on the sofa with Mick and Marco sitting in front of her as she regains consciousness. She struggles to stand but Mick and Marco push her back. She continues to struggle.
"Whoo Popsicle! Easy there. You're with friends." Mick tries to ....
"Wait! Wait! We're not going to hurt you! Settle down!"
Recognizing she has little choice, Nikita settles back on the sofa and stops struggling.
Marco starts, "I am going to remove the tape from your mouth but you have to promise not to."
Before Marco can finish Nikita shakes her head in compliance. Mick gently removes the tape from Nikitas mouth as she pulls away.
"Untie me! UNTIE ME NOW!" she repeatedly barks.
"Just a minute. First thing first. After you hear us out."
Nikita looks down, knowing she has no choice.
Mick gestures to Marco, you go first. Marco takes a deep breath, "Nikita, Section has been compromised by clones. "
"I know that and you're one of them."
"No, I'm not. The man sent on that mission did die but he was my clone."
Nikita looks at Mick and says, "I suppose your a clone?"
"Sorry Popsicle. It's me."
Growing tired of all the laymen talk, Marco interjects, "Nikita, Focus! There is not much time. We need you to
help us, rather Center, regain control of Section. More importantly, we need to rescue George from Section and deliver him safely to Center." Nikita agrees and Marco unties her.
Nikita stands and immediately heads for her bedroom. Mick and Marco try to stop her.
"Woo boys! Have a little faith." Mick and Marco back off.
"I'll need to pickup one thing from my room then will go." Nikita picks up a small red box from beneath her bed.
Nikita stuffs the little red box into a small carry-on luggage bag then gestures to Mick to pick up the larger suitcase.
"Let's go. As the trio leave Nikita's apartment for Section, Nikita asks, " By the way just which one of you was it, who stunned me?"
After Mick shuts the door to Nikita's appartment, he hears the phone ring. And we hear this song, Dead Souls by Nine Inch Nails. (Readers Note; Great new LFN song. It goes something like this. They keep calling me....)
http://www.aadikah.com/nikita/players/music.html
Nikita, Mick and Marco made it back to Section and are outside the white room. Mick uses his status to verbally back the guards off. Mick takes George out of Section as Nikita and Marco head down the elevator shaft.
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Comments (r) -- Nestra, 15:45:20 06/21/02 Fri
"Whoo comma Popsicle! Easy there. You're with friends."
Mick called her "popsicle" once.
Mick tries to ....
Tries to what?
Before Marco can finish Nikita shakes her head
Shakes usually means no. "Nods" means yes.
Mick gently removes the tape from Nikitas mouth as she pulls away.
Nikita's
"Untie me! UNTIE ME NOW!" she repeatedly barks.
Uh, barks? That's kind of a strange description.
"No, I'm not. The man sent on that mission did die but he was my clone."
What mission?
Nikita looks at Mick and says, "I suppose your a clone?"
you're
Growing tired of all the laymen talk, Marco interjects,
How is that "laymen" talk?
We need you to
help us, rather Center, regain control of Section.
Mick and Marco work for Center?
More importantly, we need to rescue George from Section and deliver him safely to Center."
Why?
"I'll need to pickup one thing from my room then will go."
pick up is two words. "then we'll go."
As the trio leave Nikita's apartment for Section,
Why are they taking her luggage to Section?
Nikita asks, " By the way just which one of you was it, who stunned me?"
After Mick shuts the door
Uh, what happened to the question she just asked? And wasn't Mick going with them?
to Nikita's appartment,
apartment
And we hear this song, Dead Souls by Nine Inch Nails. (Readers Note; Great new LFN song. It goes something like this. They keep calling me....)
http://www.aadikah.com/nikita/players/music.html
If you want to include links like this, I strongly recommend against inserting them into the story text. Put them at the end.
Nikita, Mick and Marco made it back to Section and are outside the white room.
Okay, I thought Mick stayed behind and the phone was ringing. What happened to the phone?
Mick uses his status to verbally back the guards off.
His status? What status?
I'm not sure when this story is supposed to take place. If Mick is Mr. Jones, that puts it in the first half of fifth season. But there's been no indication of that, plus, Madeline was dead by that point.
Mick takes George out of Section
They just let him leave with George?
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Re: Comments (r) - Thanks again! -- Deedra, 07:52:33 06/24/02 Mon
Thanks again!
God bless,
Deedra
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The Copy-Cat Conspiracy. Part 9 -- Deedra, 15:29:19 06/18/02 Tue
Part 9
Michael is call by Birkoff, "Operations wants a word."
"Patch him through."
Michael, I am sending you some abeyance operatives before you descend. Wait for them. They should be there momentarily."
"Who are they?" Michael questions.
"Lynn, Christie, Patric and Czar."
"Yes, I see them. Michael replies.
On level 29, Michael's abeyance operatives egress from the elevator shaft.
"The object is to get to the south east quadrant of this level." Michael addresses the abeyance operatives,
"Lynn, Christie, Patric take point, Jake you next, Grant take my back and Heath and Czar backup. Move out!"
Birkoff passes control of COMM to Denise, "Michael, Denise will take it from here."
"Denise, we are at first point," pipes Michael.
"Michael, there are no back up teams."
"I know. We are moving on to the second point." He replies.
"The infra red shows that there are two hostels around the second corner," pipes Denise.
Michael orders Lynn and Christie take point and engage. A battle pursues.
"Denise, Lynn and Christie are out of play but not before taking out the oppositions."
"Continue down the hall and take the next two rights. Michael, I have new Intel from Kira. You not only need to retrieve the info from the PC but you will also need to find the following hierarchies of the Ersatz Alliance. Bring them up for interrogation. Here is the synopsis (profile) on each one. "
(readers note; Personality Disorders. http://mentalhelp.net/personalitydisorders/symptom.htm)
"There is John, Mitch and Malcolm. John is Paul's adversary. He is narcissistic. Then theirs Mitch who is John's assistant. He is Paranoid and a little Schizotypal. Finally there is Malcolm the cryogenics physician, partner to Kira, Chief Cryogenics.
"Michael you will find John and Mitch in the west wing and Malcolm in the cryogenics lab."
"We have arrived at the PC and Grant is uploading the data now." Pipes Michael.
Birkoff shouts, "It's coming in."
"Once you're done there go to the west wing. Take the stairs to the right of the room you're in now. Go up two flights
and make your way west through the main corridor with green carpet. Let me know when you arrive. Denise out."
Michael conveys the instructions to his team as they move out.
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Comments on 9 and 10 -- Nestra, 11:18:33 06/24/02 Mon
Michael is call by Birkoff, "Operations wants a word."
Michael is called by Birkoff. "Operations wants a word."
Or, even better, "Birkoff called Michael." Active voice is often a better choice than passive voice.
"Lynn, Christie, Patric and Czar."
One of them is named "Czar"?
"Yes, I see them. close quotes Michael replies.
On level 29, Michael's abeyance operatives egress from the elevator shaft.
Again, I have to question the use of "egress" here. It seems...unnecessarily complicated.
Birkoff passes control of COMM to Denise, "Michael, Denise will take it from here."
Why?
"Denise, we are at first point," pipes Michael.
Pipes? That's not really a verb I can see describing Michael.
"The infra red shows that there are two hostels around the second corner," pipes Denise.
You mean "hostiles". Also, second use of "pipes".
Michael orders Lynn and Christie take point and engage. A battle pursues.
I think you mean "ensues". "Pursues" means chases.
"Denise, Lynn and Christie are out of play but not before taking out the oppositions."
So, these two people just got killed offscreen? That's kind of a major event to just skip over. Also, you want "opposition", single.
"Continue down the hall and take the next two rights. Michael, I have new Intel from Kira.
Why didn't they know this before?
You not only need to retrieve the info from the PC but you will also need to find the following hierarchies of the Ersatz Alliance.
A hierarchy is like a chain of command. You can't use it to describe people. I'm not sure what word you're looking for, here.
Bring them up for interrogation. Here is the synopsis (profile) on each one. "
(readers note; Personality Disorders. http://mentalhelp.net/personalitydisorders/symptom.htm)
Notes like this in the middle of the story are really distracting.
"There is John, Mitch and Malcolm. John is Paul's adversary. He is narcissistic. Then theirs Mitch who is John's assistant. He is Paranoid and a little Schizotypal. Finally there is Malcolm the cryogenics physician, partner to Kira, Chief Cryogenics.
Okay. Why do each of the clones have some kind of personality disorder, especially since they play no part in the rest of the story? It's unlikely from a scientific viewpoint as well. Since the clones are completely manufactured, wouldn't they take out any personality defects? One assumes that they're creating clones to be operatives, but narcissistic and paranoid operatives wouldn't be very useful.
"Michael you will find John and Mitch in the west wing and Malcolm in the cryogenics lab."
How do they know this?
"We have arrived at the PC and Grant is uploading the data now." Pipes Michael.
Third use of pipes.
Birkoff shouts, "It's coming in."
Why would he shout?
Meanwhile, Nikita and Marco are making their way down to level 30 by way of the stairs.
Why are they going to level thirty?
'What's this? " Nikita boasts.
Boasts isn't really an appropriate word in this context.
"Nikita, come in and set down." Madeline orders.
"sit" down.
Before Walter can finish his sentence, another Nikita, Denise Richards lookalike, enters the room from a side door.
How can she be both "another Nikita" and a "Denise Richards lookalike"? Since Denise Richards looks nothing like Nikita.
Nikita immediately puts her in the sight of her gun. Looking back at Paul, Madeline and Walter, Nikita switches sight with the gun.
Switches to who?
I don't understand. Who... who is she.... Who are you?" Nikita's eyes begin to fill with water.
Uh, in my opinion, Nikita's much more likely to get angry when dealing with Section than she is to start crying, even if she's confused and scared.
"She is not a clone, Nikita. She is your sister. That's right, Just like Birkoff and Jason."
Jason? We haven't even seen Jason? And how does Nikita have a twin she never knew about? One set of twins on the show strains belief. Two sets are really unlikely.
Nikita yalls,
yells
Paul grows visible impatient with Nikita's attitude, "Nikita stop it1 We need..."
visibly impatient
Knowing Paul will only fuel Nikita's emotions, Madeline interjects, "The Paul, Madeline and Walter upstairs are our clones. Just you and Birkoff have twins. We are the originals."
And what conceivable reason does she have to believe them? Why have these three been sitting down here, letting their clones run the show? What was the point of the mission to stop the clones?
she begins to come down.
Come down from what?
Marco positions him self behind Nikita for support.
Nikita and O'Brien were never really that close.
Nikita, your sister name is Nicky. " adds Madeline.
"Nikita, your sister's name is Nicky," adds Madeline.
Madeline continues, "Nicky has decided to stay here with us which means you can go."
What? Where did Nicky come from? Why would she decide to voluntarily stay in Section? Wouldn't Nikita think twice before abandoning this sister she just found out about?
Paul becomes fedup with Nikita's on-again off-again attitude, "No, Nikita it's April fools and you're the fool. No, no it's true. Your free to go."
"fed up". "you're free". And Paul's fed up with *her* attitude?
Paul continues as NIkita regains her composure, "However, this time you don't get to use Sections resources. And no Section will not defend you from hostiles. We will, however, provided you with some cash and you can keep your current transportation. Go...get out of here before I change my mind. And leave the gun on the table."
So they're just going to let her go. Section, who never lets anyone go alive.
Nikita waists no time.
"wastes"
She jumps to her feet and heads for the door.
Without saying goodbye to Walter? Birkoff? Her new sister?
As they leave, they run into Michael and his team.
Who have been doing what, all this time?
"Michael, I'm leaving Section."
Michael calmly replies, "I know."
What? How does he know? There's no way he could possibly know this.
Nikita nods her head and they all part ways.
So she also leaves Michael behind without a second thought?
Nikita puts her luggage in the back seat, gets in the car placing the little red box in the front passenger seat as she heads to the airport.
How did she know to bring her luggage, back when she left her apartment?
She turns on the radio and Someone Saved My Life Tonight by Elton John begins playing.
It just happens to be playing on the radio? That's unlikely.
Final comments: I'm afraid that you have some pretty severe holes in your plot. You may know what you want to get across in your story, but you have to make the connections in your story, rather than manipulating the plot so that events come out the way you want them to.
Hope this helps.
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Re: Comments on 9 and 10 > You're amazing! Thanks! -- Deedra, 13:43:17 06/26/02 Wed
Thanks for the time and effort you've put into Beta reading for me. Words can't say how much I appriciate your help. I'll continue to correct the plot inconsistencies etc.
God bless,
Deedra
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The Copy-Cat Conspiracy. Part 10 -- Deedra, 15:33:19 06/18/02 Tue
Part 10
Meanwhile, Nikita and Marco are making their way down to level 30 by way of the stairs. The two teams just miss each other. Marco leads Nikita through level 30 checking each door on the way to see if it is unlocked. Finally they come to a room with double doors.
"This door is open, Nikita."
Nikita nods. Both ready weapons as Marco opens the door and they rush the room. At the end of a long conference table, Paul, Madeline and Walter are sitting laughing.
"Come in." Paul puts down his coffee.
Marco walks over behind Paul as Nikita starts to question them.
'What's this? " Nikita boasts.
"Nikita, come in and set down." Madeline orders.
"I don't think so."
"Really Nikita, it's OK! " Paul confirms.
"Walter not you too?" Nikita sighs.
"Nikita, just give us a minute to expl...." Before Walter can finish his sentence, another Nikita, Denise Richards lookalike, enters the room from a side door. Nikita immediately puts her in the sight of her gun. Looking back at Paul, Madeline and Walter, Nikita switches sight with the gun.
"I don't understand. Who... who is she.... Who are you?" Nikita's eyes begin to fill with water.
Madeline stands then slowly moves towards Nikita.
"She is not a clone, Nikita. She is your sister. That's right, Just like Birkoff and Jason."
Nikita yalls, "No! You... No way. Wha.... How? " Tears begin to run down Nikita's face as the gun begins to shake in her hands.
Walter tries to calm Nikita and adds, "Nikita, listen to Madeline before you do something you will regret."
"I wouldn't regret much at this point."
Paul grows visible impatient with Nikita's attitude, "Nikita stop it1 We need..."
Knowing Paul will only fuel Nikita's emotions, Madeline interjects, "The Paul, Madeline and Walter upstairs are our clones. Just you and Birkoff have twins. We are the originals."
As Nikita sits down at the far end of the table glaring at all of them, she begins to come down. Marco positions him self behind Nikita for support.
Nikita, your sister name is Nicky. " adds Madeline.
Wondering just what is really going on, Nikita bites her lip and looks her up and down.
Madeline continues, "Nicky has decided to stay here with us which means you can go."
"Go!" Go where? Nikita asks.
Nikita looks at Walter, "Is the true? No wait a minute I've been through this before with you all and ...."
Paul becomes fedup with Nikita's on-again off-again attitude, "No, Nikita it's April fools and you're the fool. No, no it's true. Your free to go."
"Leave Section? I.... Where would I go? How would I?"
Paul continues as NIkita regains her composure, "However, this time you don't get to use Sections resources. And no Section will not defend you from hostiles. We will, however, provided you with some cash and you can keep your current transportation. Go...get out of here before I change my mind. And leave the gun on the table."
Nikita waists no time. She jumps to her feet and heads for the door.
Marco calls to her, "Wait, I'll see you out. "
As they leave, they run into Michael and his team.
"Michael, I'm leaving Section."
Michael calmly replies, "I know."
Nikita looks at Michael and can't help but ask, "Is there anything you don't know?"
Michael embraces her intimately, kisses her cheek then runs his finger down the left side of her chin. Marco interups,
"Nikita, you should go?"
Nikita nods her head and they all part ways.
Nikita puts her luggage in the back seat, gets in the car placing the little red box in the front passenger seat as she heads to the airport. She turns on the radio and Someone Saved My Life Tonight by Elton John begins playing.
(To be continued....)
****************************************************************
When I think of those East End lights, muggy nights
The curtains drawn in the little room downstairs
Prima Donna lord you really should have been there
Sitting like a princess perched in her electric chair
And it's one more beer and I don't hear you anymore
We've all gone crazy lately
My friends out there rolling round the basement floor
And someone saved my life tonight sugar bear
You almost had your hooks in me didn't you dear
You nearly had me roped and tied
Altar-bound, hypnotized
Sweet freedom whispered in my ear
You're a butterfly
And butterflies are free to fly
Fly away, high away, bye bye
I never realized the passing hours of evening showers
A slip noose hanging in my darkest dreams
I'm strangled by your haunted social scene
Just a pawn out-played by a dominating queen
It's four o'clock in the morning
Damn it listen to me good
I'm sleeping with myself tonight
Saved in time, thank God my music's still alive
And I would have walked head on into the deep end of the river
Clinging to your stocks and bonds
Paying your H.P. demands forever
They're coming in the morning with a truck to take me home
Someone saved my life tonight, someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight, someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight
So save your strength and run the field you play alone
Someone saved my life tonight sugar bear
You almost had your hooks in me didn't you dear
You nearly had me roped and tied
Altar-bound, hypnotized
Sweet freedom whispered in my ear
You're a butterfly
And butterflies are free to fly
Fly away, high away, bye bye
Someone Saved My Life Tonight.
Elton John : Very Best Of (2 Cds) (Eng)
****************************************************************
PS; Sharing too much Intel....
http://www.readplease.com
Get a P.C. reader! It will help Proof read your work and it will save the eyesight you have.
Download a free P.C. read from the link above. 20 MB. Let your P.C. read for you.
Teach your children to read with it. Make the entire world literate by supporting
reading in the young children. Stamp out ignorance and illiteracy.
Together we stand! God bless us all....
====================================================
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Beta Reader's Please feel free to help.... The Copy-Cat Conspiracy. -- Deedra, 15:51:54 06/18/02 Tue
Hello All Bata Readers,
First I know about the Seymore/Birkoff. I will change it to Jason.
Secondly, yes it needs alot. Go for it. Please try to keep your first comments spelling and grammar then personal.
I am new at writing and it will take time for me to sort out my style.
Thanks you in advance.
God bless you all.
Deedra
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