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Date Posted: 17:23:16 12/11/06 Mon
Author: Sandy
Author Host/IP: 66-190-150-089.dhcp.hckr.nc.charter.com / 66.190.150.89
Subject: Thanks guys... (long)

Thanks to all of you. And Dave, yep that's exactly where I was going with that post.

Loneliness can be a bitch and it makes me lose what little sense I have and do stupid things, especially around the holidays.

I hate the holidays and I'm sick of spending them alone.

Someone I used to be involved with (I won't mention his name but I'm sure you can guess) has been emailing, text messaging and calling me lately. He seems like the person I fell for in the past; no signs of the person he became later which ended the relationship for me. He told me how he'd like to spend some time together and maybe start over in the future. Well, a few months ago I wouldn't have even considered it but after talking for quite some time and thinking he's back to his old self I started thinking that maybe it would work. So I invited him to come and spend part of the holidays with me. I figured his family would do something for Christmas so I invited him to come a couple days after Christmas Day and stay until New Years.

He had been saying how he would have a lighter schedule in December and how much he'd like to get away somewhere so I thought this would be good. On top of that I have an airline voucher for over $200 and his ticket would have only costed him an additional $60, which I even said I'd pay if he's running short due to being in school right now. Well, first he acted like he really wanted to come but he just needed to check to make sure his parents hadn't planned something else. Then he said he was sure they didn't have plans but he wanted to make sure they were ok with it, which I found odd. I mean we're in our mid 40's here. Isn't that a bit old to need permission? But ok, I didn't say anything.

Well, apparently when he talked to his parents they didn't think he should visit me. I've always suspected that they think our breakup was 100% me and he's the innocent victim. Oh, if they only knew the hell I went through before I did the things I did and eventually left. I'm sure they were never informed of that but there are some things that they have to know because they were around at the time.

Anyway, he came back and said he can't come. When I asked if his parents were the reason why, he denied it and said he didn't have the money. I reminded him that since I was willing to pay it wasn't costing him anything. Then he said he didn't think it was a good time and that he needs to wait until his school is finished but turned around and said maybe next summer. I reminded him that his school won't be finished next summer because he said he will have another year. He'll have a break in the summer just like he has a break this Christmas holiday. Then he said he doesn't even date because it is not what he needs right now, to which I responded that I had offered him a vacation to visit me and my family with him spending nights at my mother's house and hanging out with me and Matt during the day... I was not asking him to date me, start a relationship with me, move in with me, quit school or anything like that and furthermore he was the one telling me how much he missed me at Thanksgiving and wished I was there with them and how much he wanted to see me and maybe start again someday. All I was suggesting is a visit in which we spent time together and had a chance to see how we felt. He had to admit his reasons weren't logical at all and then told me not to try to understand it. I think he just didn't want to tell me that his parents influenced his decision. I told him that if he didn't want to come he should have been straight with me when I invited him instead of acting like he really wanted to and stringing me along for 4 days until his parents came home. I said that would have hurt my feelings far less and this way I know it's his parents who don't want him to come, even if he doesn't admit it and he is letting them make his decision when he is a 46 year old man, living with them and helping them with all their rental properties while he goes to school.

Again he said maybe next summer and I informed him that I will not be inviting him again because I don't appreciate being strung along and anyway he was the one who kept saying he wanted to see me and he wanted to get away and go somewhere. I offered him that opportunity and basically got a slap in the face. Does he think I'm going to make that mistake again??? Hell no!!

After I got upset and cried over it, I started remembering how he would always make promises and never see them through when we were together. I remember how many times he let me down and the hell my life became for the last 8 months we were together. Why on earth would I even consider getting back in that mess? Yes, I'm lonely as hell but it's still better than going back to that. I guess I just saw a glimpse of the person I fell in love with and thought we could go back. But now I see that all I would be getting is more broken promises and led on just to be let down over and over again and I don't need that.

I guess it was a narrow escape for me because if he had visited, maybe we would have gotten together. Now after he acted like this, I've deleted his phone number from my cell phone and his email address from my computer.

He didn't have to say all the stuff he did. It was his idea to talk about all this stuff anyway. He's the one who started calling me and telling me he missed me and how much he still cared and how he'd love to see me and spend time with me. I gave him the chance to do that but he can't be a big boy and make that decision because Mommy thinks he shouldn't.

The last thing I told him was to have a good life with Mommy and I hope he's happy...however he won't be able to grow old with Mommy so I hope he finds someone she thinks is good enough. And while he's at it he needs to come clean to them about all the shit he did and the hell he put me through long before I did any of the things I did. I'll admit what I did but I won't take all the blame.

Oh well... I guess I'll have to find myself something to do for the week I am off work and stay busy so I don't get myself in trouble with someone else who would be totally wrong for me.

Thanks again for listening,
Sandy

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