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  • Hard seeds of hate -- BEG, 05:04:37 10/17/01 Wed



    Hard seeds of hate I planted
    That should by now be grown
    Rough stalks, and from thick stamens
    A poisonous pollen blown
    And odors rank

    unbreathable

    From dark corollas thrown

    At dawn from my damp garden
    I shook the chilly dew
    The thin boughs locked behind me
    That sprang to let me through
    The blossoms slept
    I sought a place
    Where nothing pretty grew

    And there, when day was breaking
    I knelt and looked around
    The light was near, the silence
    Was palpitant with sound
    I drew my hate from out my breast
    And thrust it in the ground

    Oh they're so fiercely tended
    The little seeds of hate
    I bent above your growing
    Early and noon and late
    Yet are they drooped and pitiful
    I cannot rear them straight

    The sun seeks out my garden
    No nook is left in shade
    No mist or mold or mildew
    Endures on any blade
    Sweet rain slants under every bough
    They falter

    and they fade

    [ Edit | View ]

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  • Television -- from the outside, 04:12:02 10/17/01 Wed
    Remote Control.

    Living boxes,

    Stretching squares.

    It's all melodramatic,
    Filled to the brim
    With seething liquid,
    To rot your teeth,
    And make you clench your fist.


    But listen
    To the wind blowing
    Through the wintered money trees.
    Cold and heartless
    You're left alone.

    Barren.

    Weightless anger,
    For she's fruitless.


    Yeah its murder,
    Chains in shreds,
    Bonds left on street corners,
    Wrapped around wooden stakes.

    And then the square drains
    To it's hollow echo,
    Though more eyes have been sucked in.

    Time.
    Sweet seconds.
    Lovely Days.
    Let the sun shine.

    [ Edit | View ]

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  • I hate the way you hate me... (to Patrick) -- From your "fu*king moron" of a friend..., 01:55:21 10/16/01 Tue
    I hate the way you like to fight
    for no good reason at all
    I hate the way you got so mad
    like you were about to throw me against a wall
    I hate the way you looked at me
    so tenderly and sweet

    I hate the way your face looked in that hat
    when you were going off on me! :P

    I hate the way you held me
    comforting and strong
    I hate the way you made me wish
    that you'd hold me all day long
    I hate the way you kissed me
    right when I want to be kissed
    I hate the way you touched me
    if ever you stopped, I'd be pissed

    I hate the way you scare me
    thinking I'll get hurt
    I hate the way you remind me
    that you will always treat me like dirt
    I hate the way you hurt me
    and you don't even know why
    I hate the way you said you loved me
    and your love you can't deny

    I hate the way I'm afraid
    of you leaving me all alone
    I hate the way I care for you
    fuckin down to my every bone

    I hate the way you trusted me
    when I thought is wasn't worth the hassle
    I hate the way you talk to me

    for hours each day
    I hate the way you'd start to ramble
    when you really had nothing to say

    I hate the way you think I'm ugly
    even though I'm not

    I hate the feelings I get from you
    these feelings that I hide alot

    Most of all I HATE the way you MAKE me love you
    each and EVERY day
    I hate the way you touched my heart
    and took my breath away

    I hate the way you somehow understood me
    like no other guy has
    I hate the way you'd say horrible things
    then apologize for being an ass

    I hate the way you let me tease you
    even though you'd run away

    I fuckin hate the way you have a place in my heart
    and that's where I thought you'd always stay
    I hate the way you stopped caring
    whether I was mad or not
    I hate the way you made me SO upset
    this feeling I deal with alot-

    I hate the way you hurt me and then acted
    like nothing was wrong

    I hate the way you said how much I meant to you
    then you called me a fucking moron?!
    I hate the way I said "It's over."
    when I STILL have feelings for you
    I hate the way you acted so HATEFUL
    and left me feeling so blue
    I hate the way you talked so much shit
    I don't understand what you see
    I hate the way you hate me
    when this is all I'll be..

    Love Always,
    Your "Fucking Moron" friend.

    [ Edit | View ]

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  • this has been sitting in my journal, half made. so glad to get it off of my fingers. -- saira khan, 20:36:15 10/15/01 Mon

    i walked right into your crowd...
    i guess you dazzle me.
    and sometimes we stumble into each others arms,
    (just not on tuesdays).
    those half-assed mutant shadows
    that you pour onto my page...
    man,
    they just kill me again.

    swinging into you,
    i've expanded my portion
    of us.

    and we're featured on an old beat...
    with my rolled up socks that are way out.
    our hands clasp due to the inevitable 5 minute shuffle.
    but that accounts for only 5 minutes, remember.

    so i'm tentative,
    and you're accomplished.
    hey... we'll dance it off.

    at 8 pm the phone will ring,
    or the door will swing.
    either way... you just might not be my thing.

    (today)

    [ Edit | View ]

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  • My Happy Face Mask :) -- Blue eyed girl, 01:33:30 10/16/01 Tue

    Today I'm going to put on my happy face mask again
    HAHAHAHA! DAMN I look good!

    whooooooo...

    To celebrate how glad I am that youre gone.

    When you were here all I wore was a happy face
    because I was SO happy that you were here

    til you snapped again

    for nothing.

    Maybe you thought (again) that my happy face
    was a dumb ass face.
    like frankenstein

    HEHE

    buuuuuut so fuckin what!

    maybe I should keep wearing this smile

    for others to keep enjoying
    like they have been

    for others to continue to laugh with me
    like they have been

    for you to avoid..


    maybe miss a little more than a little at times.

    and now we'll get along fine.

    [ Edit | View ]

  • stuck on the downward excalator... -- darkcorridor, 22:00:20 10/14/01 Sun
    i duct tape the jellyfish to the wall
    and like everyhting else i want it slips away
    when the smile can't break the facial equator
    happiness is the word crossed out of my dictionary
    the ghost of my perfect fate runs circles around my existance
    reality is black and white and everything tastes like cold oatmeal
    there's no frosting in my twinkie when i hate what i want

    [ Edit | View ]

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  • Subway -- Crysta, 21:12:16 10/11/01 Thu
    Peeking out from behind a black hood,
    A man rushes me along,
    And I stop to glare
    Yet it quickly turns into a blur.
    Fuzzy, bleeding red,
    Gorging into a beer gut,
    And a rolling chin
    In some furry shade of cream.
    I couldn't care less,
    Except for that push,
    Tripping on my heels,
    Breathing heavily into my ear,
    Raspy, cigar covered wheezes,
    So I stumble along.
    I wonder what he'd rather do with that smoke in his pocket:
    Wet between in his broken lips,
    Or steaming in some kind of fallic manifestation.

    "Get off my fucking back!"

    A cruel unnatural wind
    Sucks the air from the tunnel
    As the train pulls to the curb.
    The man tucks his pudge into his cheeks
    And weasels his way out,
    Leaving his stench on my sweater.

    My skin is clammy,
    And my mouth is blue...

    Sight returns with a cringe
    Forced from the back of my mind,
    I grab the first bench my hands touch,
    Curl into the bars,
    And sleep.

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  • Pleasure and Penetration -- Hobbes, 00:42:24 10/09/01 Tue

    The world stops sleeping
    in the no Jesus generation
    stop on green
    and
    pushhhhhhh...


    No pleasure penetration.


    go back
    to where you thought
    you left yourself behind

    you were never here
    or there
    yet...

    here
    you are
    not
    again


    Damn
    I'm so hard to find.


    look
    stop

    on green

    nobody and nothings
    mean everything

    to me.


    .......

    .......

    .......

    .......






    God takes the longest naps
    in the no Jesus generation

    so feel it

    while he sleeps




    all pleasure


    no pleasure



    penetration.

    [ Edit | View ]

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  • Artificial Light -- Crysta, 03:11:20 10/09/01 Tue
    Streams of heat unfold before me
    Underneath a studded sky.
    Yet teeth chatter,
    And skin looks translucent
    Beneath orange street lamps.

    Sweet sugar,
    Dancing within false pretentions,
    Naked confections,
    I touch,
    For your attention.

    Broken:

    Interrupted and Beaten.

    Stopped and Drowned.

    [ Edit | View ]

  • hi. -- . jess, 15:52:22 10/07/01 Sun

    "not worth"


    suppose i said
    i expected to see it this way.
    what that have changed
    how un-easily i flew away?

    even though the street line
    cracked somewhere near the end,
    it had split in two
    before you.

    don't let these things go to your head.
    you don't matter enough for that.

    and i, in time,
    will sigh at the thought of you.
    once i figure out how to stop
    laughing.

    you've become even less
    than just
    a noise
    to me.


    not even worth static.

    [ Edit | View ]

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  • Is this just noise -- Hobbes, 20:21:46 10/05/01 Fri

    Is this just noise

    ...

    Is this just noise

    ...

    Is this just noise that we're making together

    And
    What
    do
    I
    Stand
    To
    Lose

    just everything

    EVERYTHING

    [underneath]
    [way beneath]
    [between myself]
    [beside myself]
    [inside myself]

    I know there is somebody out there for you
    who likes you

    It's not me

    I know there is somebody out there like you
    who likes you

    It's not me

    [ Edit | View ]

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  • Baby hope -- Hobbes, 18:37:31 10/04/01 Thu

    It's a bloody back seat B
    on the long drive home A
    B
    a blank stare Y
    and time to reflect
    as the windows race by

    full of life H
    chaotic life O
    P
    the windows fly by E
    a still head...

    Smile and push
    your body a little closer to me

    ///Verbal Deception///
    -----Emotional injection------
    just another crucial rejection...
    missed

    Bite and take
    little pieces away from me

    ...quiet now
    please be quiet now...


    Inhale the moment
    but never release
    you can never release
    the breath inside

    it is forever inside
    of you...


    The window keeps moving
    so fast
    so fucking fast
    so much slower
    than
    a still head...

    There was so much baby hope

    Baby's going to be a doctor
    she started talking early
    Baby's going to be a dancer
    she started walking early
    Baby
    Baby
    ...

    baby

    ...

    Baby Dead.

    [ Edit | View ]

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  • Hobbes -- supasteele, 02:42:49 10/05/01 Fri
    Patrick is cool B
    But Patrick steele is much cooler E

    I'm happy to get married H
    You need to visit me A
    I'm much fast than you P
    And I'm more good looking P
    I want to meet your girl Y

    [ Edit | View ]

  • Red kite -- Hobbes, 05:28:57 10/01/01 Mon

    Life is the longest implosion
    and i might just make it half way
    to where i am going
    before the walls come down

    where am i going again?

    Phase change
    the roles are switching
    and now

    i just might need you to be my reflection
    so you can tell me
    who in the hell i am out there
    out here

    do you know
    that

    you could be so tall
    you could be so tall

    just stand up
    just fucking stand up

    you don't need to step on me
    to see a little higher

    just fucking stand up
    on your own

    and stop talking to your damn self
    stop walking all over yourself
    stop yelling at yourself

    and keep talking to your damn self
    keep walking all over yourself
    keep yelling at yourself

    you need the two
    to see the you

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    and there is one on the inside

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    and one on the outside

    dragging a red kite

    across the ground

    [ Edit | View ]

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  • ALRIGHT GOD DAMN IT -- PISSED, 04:01:14 10/04/01 Thu

    Some one please tell me how in the fuck they are hearing all of this new shit from Incubus... "Mexico"-ok "Wish you were here" - yea ok those are both out..
    but wtf? how is everyone getting all their other shit? their album doesn't drop till the 23rd.
    some one tell me where i can download their stuff cuz i must be a god damn moron.

    [ Edit | View ]

  • i haven't written in a while -- saira khan, 19:16:27 09/25/01 Tue


    frustratingly enough,
    your lethargic self still kills me.
    and even tho i ignore each comment,
    along with each giant stride,
    i still find myself scowling,
    whiling pulling apart my straws.

    so we're running that path again,
    and tripping over our giant ego's...
    yet i still claim to be the most down to earth person.
    but we make sure to avoid our smiles,
    cos that would be too perfect.


    and it's not because i'm bitterly jealous.
    of course not...

    then i hear that vibrating laugh,
    and your finger points beyond me.
    and to think, i was open to ridicule...
    not to mention embracing the damn thing.

    so let's pump it up,
    or anything else that seems vaguely amusing,
    and play "remember when"
    cos my memory makes everything fuzzy,
    in that pretty, pink ribboned way.
    i hate writing everything down,
    but my words always seem to run into each other.

    and it's not because you're bitterly jealous.
    of course not...

    this has to stop, in a week.
    or five.
    you said this charade is over,
    i said "what charade?"
    seems like i lost some memory with that last stumble.

    rambling on and on can only stop when the speakers tongue is numb.
    so i advise the world to make it a great day,
    and then our picture will be complete.
    i always wanted a photo finish.

    and we're both bitterly jealous.
    i know it...

    [ Edit | View ]

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  • i'm done with my whole not writing phase. -- saira khan, 02:09:17 09/27/01 Thu

    i was thinking too much again,
    and as my thoughts formed in reverse,
    i forgot what made my lips twitch.
    i like to upset myself...
    kinda makes me feel more humane.
    and then i cry...
    making me too humane.

    i'm not sure if i'm ready for anything anymore.

    i hate meeting one doubt,
    followed by another.
    and i can't fill you up,
    so your eyes can't help but look starving.
    and i wonder if my moves are watched,
    and even noted.
    sometimes it's good to be cared for...
    even if it's by the paranoid.

    my steps are too short for you.

    i'm inadequate for your supremacy,
    and yet we hug so well.
    i was never about the emotional deal, anyway.
    now it kills me to know i am.

    whispering fingers trailing along,
    and my response comes with flattery...
    it has nothing to do with anything.

    the whole time i've been filling up your complaint box,
    so now i'm tempted to leave it empty,
    either way.

    and i'm not sure if i'm ready for anything anymore,
    but neither are you.

    [ Edit | View ]

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  • broken parts -- jars, 13:12:39 09/26/01 Wed

    part I

    It's cold inside here
    you repeat the words I say
    I live in your ears.
    And see, I am your echo.
    But now you'll hear the empty.

    part II
    Tears cascading down
    rolling off and in my cheeks.
    Distance kills me more.
    I'm being washed away now
    and running in distant pores.

    [ Edit | View ]

  • This is CRAP- needed to vent -- To embarassed to sign my name, 02:07:40 09/23/01 Sun
    Has it already come down to this?

    Questioning my own integrity
    To keep your security?

    In the background,
    A dull ache grows
    And you're calling it love,
    Calling ME love,
    Out of a rain colored sky.

    Pushing me from behind your shoulder,
    Encouraging and enlightening,
    To stare at my ass,
    While you fill my ears
    With "uh huh" and "sounds good."

    Then sometimes,
    I hear nothing at all,
    And I wonder if I'm just
    A never-ending poster girl,
    Only for you to reflect,
    As I remain mindless.

    "Shhh,"
    You say so sarcastically
    When I resort to my self-depreciating silence
    In the company of your ex-lovers,
    And why are there so many?

    Yeah,
    I'm just being "pissy"
    But don't worry,
    I won't let myself bring you down with me.

    [ Edit | View ]

  • For Some Reason -- Crysta, 21:29:15 09/19/01 Wed
    "She breathes fire,
    As if to burn were the starting line
    For the race to find the reason of birth."

    You don't say much
    In your effort to appear to me.
    A small effort, I fear.

    Where do your church bells ring?
    What then, really, are you feeling?
    What is that mask you bring?

    Shed:
    Ess Aych Eee Dee.

    What I want-
    From you-
    Is an experience to share,
    But I can't find you when my heart is wrenching.

    So little time it takes in reality
    What can take
    An ETERNITY
    To explain in writing.
    Maybe that's why my words return to you,
    Often for no reason.

    And sometimes it seems,
    My very blood pulses with your name,
    Although you change
    YOUR NAME
    When the wind shifts against your intended direction.

    A song so basic
    In lyrical form
    Though the music
    Takes it beyond
    Our immediate senses,
    Provoking thought.

    But to provoke thought
    Only through words,
    We seem to take the basics
    And try to be vague.

    If I bathed you
    IN WORDS,
    You'd only be saturated,
    Mind drifting unconsciously,
    But to force you to imagine,
    My purpose would be
    TO BE
    Your boss.

    [ Edit | View ]

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  • "soot like ash" -- . jess, 15:29:19 09/17/01 Mon


    i wanna relax,
    but i don't wanna risk a relapse.

    so i smoke my lungs black,
    and shake my finger in your direction
    when i feel i'm being brought around it.

    your intentions are so dirty.
    soot like ash like coal streaks
    across your eyelids,
    seen only when they're closed.

    and i swear i could hear your lungs collapsing
    inside you.
    talk has never been so small.

    i'm trying to make sense of things,
    and i'm only making senseless of things.
    i swear i could hear your lungs collapsing.

    you can't sleep because you can't stop feeling bad.
    and you can't stop feeling bad because you can't stop smelling that sting of empty on your clothes.


    i figured you out.

    [ Edit | View ]

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  • My Spin... another bullshit ramble -- Hobbes, 05:24:07 09/18/01 Tue


    Serendipity - pleasure which you get from finding things by accident.



    im coming to terms with individual lives
    that are so much like my own

    how sad to know that
    this isn't my show
    this is not my life

    and

    Like God
    I feel so helpless in my own creation.
    Devastation
    then Contemplation
    then Annihilation

    can somebody remind me that this is real
    cuz i can't feel
    no matter how much i peel
    these layers away

    I am too burned
    by the acid fear

    but i know that
    what eats you
    keeps you
    and supplies you
    with purpose

    i was fighting myself
    before i found an enemy
    before i found an enemy
    i felt so worthless

    and more often as i grow
    I lose the things i think i know
    I lose the trust in what others show
    I lose
    I lose
    I lose

    just one more teenage year left to go

    Hypocrisy and good intent
    two key ingredients for laughter
    so why am i not laughing

    anymore

    [ Edit | View ]

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  • blah -- gruntled, 02:39:14 09/18/01 Tue
    you "have" to go
    i want to hit you though
    something to throw
    this thing inside me grows
    wanting to show
    could you, for once, just let me know
    but no
    candles dont blow
    why so?
    for they would slow
    flicker and go
    the burning would not grow
    you pretend but i know
    but i know
    you really "want" to go
    so go
    before i blow

    [ Edit | View ]

  • Slow Tide -- Crysta, 04:48:15 09/16/01 Sun
    Like the tireless wave crawling up its bank
    Only to fall back into its own body,
    Back and forth,
    Surge and Release,
    She rocked in her old rotting chair,
    A baby at her breast.

    And the space felt so empty,
    As her elbows drooped by her sides,
    And her fingers tapped a slow, steady rhythm
    On baby's quiet back
    Along side the creak of wood scratching wood.

    An empty air,
    Staring across a gray horizon
    Where sky melted into water,
    And light floated atop the surface
    In an early dusk.

    Drift, my baby,
    May sleep forever embrace your sweet face.

    [ Edit | View ]

  • My favorite artist of the moment- Rufus Wain-Wright "In my arms" -- Crysta, 02:08:59 09/14/01 Fri
    You gave me all your love in one day

    You gave it all and almost faded away

    Well I'm gonna take this sad unread issue

    In my arms tonight

    Looking at hospitals Victorian

    Feeling as helpless as the Elephant Man

    Wish you were here to chain you up without shame

    In my arms tonight

    So if you should feel a bit out of place

    This vision not unlike a shooting star I have embraced

    'Cause

    You gave me all your love in one day

    You gave it all and almost faded away

    Well I'm gonna take this sad unread issue

    In my arms tonight

    Looking at hospitals Victorian

    Feeling as helpless as the Elephant Man

    Wish you were here to chain you up without shame

    In my arms tonight

    I ain't a soft and saccharine wannabe

    Still I pray to God this song will end happily

    So I offer you a place to rest and forget yourself

    In my arms tonight

    [ Edit | View ]

  • GOSH! I liked it when people used to respond to other peoples writings! Now people write and don't get any feedback! :( -- E, 00:57:09 09/13/01 Thu
    [ Edit | View ]
  • I am America -- Blue eyed girl, 06:22:27 09/12/01 Wed
    I Am America

    I Am America
    And I will stand Tall and True
    You cannot break My Spirit
    No matter what you do.

    Those who attempt to destroy
    My very way of Life.
    Not only harm me
    But also my Children and My Wife

    Your act of shame and cowardice
    Will not pass without my taking action.
    For My justice will be swift
    My retaliation more than an equal and opposite reaction.

    You have struck at that
    Which defines who I am
    Not just My Country
    But those who are my family and friends.

    I am America
    My strength and resolve abound
    I will remain standing
    Long after you are not around

    God Has Blessed Me
    Of this I am sure
    I am stronger than you are
    And My Faith is Pure.

    I may have bent today
    But I did not fall
    And when everything is said and done
    I will still be standing TALL

    I Am America
    Life for Me will go on
    But tomorrow will be a brighter day
    In spite of anything you have done.

    James H. Albury, Jr.
    Bushnell, Florida
    12 September 2001

    [ Edit | View ]

  • I dont know what to call it... just wrote it during Comp. class -- Blue eyed girl, 05:10:54 09/11/01 Tue
    The sun that sets in my heart for you
    will rise again when your wave comes through
    when it washes back into the sea
    it will come back to me in a misty breeze
    Your raindrops will fall in another place
    but will eventually fall back on my face

    [ Edit | View ]

  • Rooted Lover -- Blue eyed girl., 03:24:28 09/11/01 Tue
    Just a little poem i like that i found in my jewelery box when i was cleaning up....

    A ruddy drop of manly blood
    The surging sea outweighs
    The world uncertain comes and goes
    The lover rooted stays

    [ Edit | View ]

  • A Letter -- Two Faces, 02:20:32 09/11/01 Tue
    Dear Crysta,

    I really can't help but hate you sometimes. You took a troubless childhood and filled it with symbolical need and made me wonder what life was worth living inside a bubble. You stayed static while my dreams took me elsewhere, and you've completly drowned me in brilliant disillusion. Bright lights are so childish, and you make me feel like this incomplete teenage old geezer because you can't handle being so green. But only a child can smile so earnestly, and you consistently con me into believing that a smile is what'll get me in.

    On another note:

    From here I look at you, and see me.

    I've lost the honesty somewhere. All I do is write and feel tears come to my eyes because it's all no where near what I'm feeling.

    I have to tell myself that tommorrow will be a better than today, but I get so tired thinking of how hard I will have to try.

    What keeps me here? I'm always looking for the way out or the way up, but I only look through dusty binoculars.

    What keeps me from shoving the pen I play around my lips into the back of my throat?

    I used to trace all my problems back to the one boy I for whom I allowed myself to cross the line in the rush for experience. He called me nasty and shot his lust in my mouth, so I spit it back on him hoping for it to soak in his skin. Lord did I cry upside down in my sleeping chair spilling my torn and self-humiliated story to the only friend I could trust. And later she called me a slut.

    The words tumble from your lips so easily, just searching the deep wrinkles of your mind as your tounge would in my folds, and I wish I could open to you. You say my voice occasionally quivers. It never used to do that.

    I still find comfort knowing that one tiger is out there, still prowling around for the answers I've given up on. Even though I only fantasize his interest in me, I look again for the day we speak to eachother's eyes.

    I just can't go and experience things alone. If I want to go out and jump in the rive with all my clothes on, someone has to come and bear witness, or share the experience with me.

    I'm so desperate to understand who I am.

    Sincerely,
    Noodle

    [ Edit | View ]

  • "blindfolding" -- Jessica, 15:20:31 09/09/01 Sun


    have i folded you to blind
    too much to even read your own code?

    knotted into towards the center,
    and unfolding from the weather -
    and how you forget that i took you away
    from it all,
    just when you asked.

    everything you asked for,
    right here in all of me,
    and losing yourself out into it seems better somehow.

    i did not place the blindfold.
    you did that yourself.
    i only made it tighter.

    crossed-out,
    sitting back, listening,
    bending back, breaking.
    and it's not even over at this point.


    a tornado may form from the winds in your mouth.

    [ Edit | View ]

  • lacking balance still. -- sober, 01:18:24 09/05/01 Wed

    Another unprocessed conversation
    lacking all the elements that invited you to me.
    I refer to your absence sometimes,
    leaving me with a hollow hand
    that falls
    open shut.

    A government monopoly of a talented face,
    with instructions to ignore reluctance.
    Now it's my turn to dress you up.

    I watch you, watch yourself,
    walk by.
    And I don't think it's confidence that strenghtens your step.

    I heard the conversation,
    y'know,
    the one I wasn't supposed to hear,
    and I must say you sound bitter in the morning.
    Until you hugged.

    They had a whole movement pertaining to this in the 20s.
    It's called surreal.
    But I'm left only with the real...
    yet I'm happy with MY real.

    I hate how we never clash.

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  • personal tragedies. -- sober., 22:06:28 09/06/01 Thu

    okay.

    leave it to me to conjure up a diabolical scheme,
    and then walk away from it.

    but i don't forget easy,
    even when my tongue rolls back and wipes my head clean.

    cutting circles in your eye
    but never wondering why.
    so if all of love is a cliche (like you say so haughtily)
    then why are you, the intellect, so caught up inside of it?
    but let's not ask questions.

    insanity is totally overrated.
    i think.
    and i'm going crazy over you.

    the audience gasps at my hidden weapon,
    hidden beneath the folds.
    and a lie covers a lie,
    which is the truth that no one believes.
    especially not us.

    i translated all your words into poetry,
    and then back again.
    seems like so much is lost through words.

    i guess this is the right time to stop.

    [ Edit | View ]

  • Tears before sleep -- BEG, 06:49:12 09/06/01 Thu
    Love me or leave me
    What's the deal
    Have you no feelings for me
    Can't you see these words are coming from my heart

    Whats the deal
    Thy love is only fro thee
    Can't you see these words are coming from my heart
    My tears are my only means of escape

    Thy love is only for thee
    My passion for thee will be the death of me
    My tears are my only means of escape
    Every time you look at me that becomes my fantasy

    Have you no feelings for me
    My passion for thee will be the death of me
    Every time you look at me that becomes my fantasy
    Love me or Leave me

    [ Edit | View ]

  • pure cheese, but it's a start. "Something of Charlie" -- Crysta, 02:47:30 09/06/01 Thu
    Running for the tangible in the intangible,
    Vivid as a football in the grass,
    Undecipherable as an elder's song.

    You walk with your chin held down
    And that ominous cloud surrounds your head
    When the sun shines.

    Stiff brown line on a yellow background,
    Something about you makes me want to be a little red haired girl.

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  • Head Rain -- Hobbes, 05:21:38 09/05/01 Wed

    of course this shit won't make sense...
    of course this shit will be contradicting...
    of course im stupid for writing this shit as some sort of disclaimer...
    eh,just read the damn thing



    “My biggest fear will be the rescue of me” – Incubus

    An Optimistic shade keeps me from getting too warm
    A Pessimistic light allows me to see further than myself

    “It amazes me the will of Instinct” – Kurt Cobain

    The words that brought me here can’t seem to take me back
    To where I was before a Rainy Day

    "You're such an inspiration for the ways that i will never ever choose to be" -- A Perfect Circle

    Please Stop the Head Rain



    Pain as a memory
    is so un bearing
    that we have to forget
    to keep from tearing
    so happy you forgot
    so fast
    thanks
    for fucking sharing


    You were reborn in a stranger's kiss
    and now you're feeling better again
    at the sound of a name
    welcome back to the game
    now tie your string back to the pole
    and carrousel the circle
    until you run out of rope again

    I would hate to have your happy ambition
    It makes me sick
    It makes me…
    miss you

    It makes me wish that i could fool myself
    and be ok
    being happy with you
    without having to know
    what the fuck is wrong with you
    and these people that get along with you
    and everyone
    and everyone
    fucking everyone
    why isn't everyone one
    crazy too?

    I'm sure that it rains
    somewhere outside of my head
    but for some fucking reason
    i can't relate to anyone
    i meet all my best friends
    years after they're dead


    i can't figure out
    why people aren't trying to figure shit out

    no one want's to step outside
    it's raining outside
    and inside

    of my head

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  • unknown. -- sober, 01:13:24 09/05/01 Wed

    A well known fast to some, but me, also well known, disputes it. It rests your limbs when you settle, even if you're short some numbers. Makes perfect sense until you think about it and your hands release empty. Still, you reject my unspoken offers. Not like I would secede myself to you anyway. Your feet cross over as your left eyes casts shadows on my smile. About time I showed no reaction... even if it is just hidden from you and those perceptive baby blues of yours. And maybe you think these passages are synchronized, but wouldn't I laugh softer in your presence then?

    A day, no, a year late in coming. A cold marble floor as your only companion. But don't leave the only thing that hardens you, or nothing will come out of it. I slept on the floor again yesterday. Third night in a row. Or maybe fifth. Days spread over when you're concious. And you pack your bags, unfaltered. The folding over of each shirt, stained with all those different lips. My scent never seems to linger there for too long.

    I'll pass up this episode. Maybe next week (or month) the phone will pick up.

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  • 4:35 am. -- Quila, 03:44:53 09/03/01 Mon
    I can't sleep. You just left 3 minutes ago and now it's 4:35 in the morning. When you drove off, I watched as your car disappeared into the fog as the hum of the engine blended into the silence. My eyes started to burn and I slowly walked back into the house, getting a picture of the moment to hold in my memory forever. Usually, it's the happy times when you drive off so sudden-- because I know I will see you again. But not tonight. Or today I should say. I wonder if it's the last time I saw you drive off like that. I felt so lonely standing by myself under the foggy light in the middle of the street. I felt a lonliness I never felt before.
    Tears started rolling down my cheek as I walked back inside. I felt like I was crying more than tears. And then that feeling came over me. Then I started crying hard. I hurried inside, shutting the door quickly as I leaned on it, sliding down to the floor. My head was on my knees and I couldn't stop crying.
    Lost. Iscolated. Too simple to relate to how I'll get by without you. I have no other person in my life like you. Tonight, I felt that both you and I expressed sides to one another that we never have before. I saw a gentle, soft look in your eyes as you shared your true feelings on things with me. I felt like you needed me there. Like we needed no one else but each other. I listened to you and looked right into your eyes, something hard for me to do. But tonight, it was easy. Being with you, listening to your heart, made me feel genuinely happy. I wish you could feel the happiness I felt, something that has been hard for me to feel lately. But I was happy. No other place would be as good as simply sharing a blanket with you having a heart-to-heart talk. When you ask me what I would think if you left tomorrow, and I said 'lost'-- that's exactly how I would feel. I really don't want you to go. I couldn't stand not knowing you're close to me.

    [ Edit | View ]

  • constructed ramblings. -- sober., 02:33:57 09/01/01 Sat

    we laid on top of each other for 20 minutes. no talking. because words would just overlap and fade away. and then we'd still be laying there, only our mouths would be a bit tired. once in a while our breathing would increase, just enough to cause movements and a grazing of fingers. but then that too would fade. after repeatedly licking my lips, i got enough courage to peek around at him.

    he smiled.

    that was all i needed then. a few days later, we conversed. a lot more words exchanged, and deeper thoughts conveyed. of course my eyes would never remain focused. usually i stared right below his eye, mainly at his left nostril. sometimes my gaze would falter and our eyes would pass over each other. but i looked away. always.

    but then something happened, and looking hard was the easiest thing to do. and i couldn't keep still, and he hated that. so he told me everything. and i hated that.

    seems like the no conversation piece best suited us. but i still think we're made for each other.

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  • A little random, but I'm a little rusty. "Following" -- Crysta, 03:31:32 09/03/01 Mon
    But it's a road
    I'll fumble along,
    Sleeping as I ride in the passenger seat.

    Beat-up Ford pick-up.

    Dust billowing beyond the bed
    In the untouched world I hope to find my future.

    "South of the Border"

    Just keep your finger in your nose
    Until you figure out that you can't be inspired,
    Or fucking motivated.

    I'll watch the wind and reach to join the seeds it scatters.

    Maybe I'll find my child in Mexico,
    Needing my touch,
    And maybe I can dance for money.

    Perhaps...

    Gypsy:

    Mysteriously covered persona...

    Yes I'll be around and afar,
    Waiting for the rust to overcome my drowned bicycle,
    And the sandals to wear off my feet.

    And you, with your finger in your nose,
    Dig,
    But wipe that stupid frown off your face.

    [ Edit | View ]

  • Start again -- Hobbes, 00:42:57 09/03/01 Mon

    The fucking past:
    and i remember when a change to you
    changed my mind...



    I can't stop the new
    from eating you
    I can't stop this new
    even for you
    and even if i wanted to
    I couldn't change the change
    consuming you

    I remember when
    I wanted to be the new face in your life
    I wanted to be the one to change your mind
    I wanted to be the one you needed to find
    Now i just want to be the one
    who can change the time

    are you more convinced now
    that things are any different
    itz really all the same
    a new face
    a new place
    with a little different name

    Now i sit here away from me
    and wonder what the change will bring
    and when again we will sit face to face
    in this same but different place
    and who to me this change will bring

    I wonder
    who you will be
    in the absence of me
    who will change your mind
    and the expressions on your face
    when you start again
    will anyone ever remember the old face
    in that new place
    as well as me

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  • Quotes? -- dead people, 19:18:04 08/31/01 Fri

    "Adversity draws men together and produces beauty and hamony in life's relationships, just as the cold of winter produces ice-flowers on the window-panes, which vanish with the warmth."
    -- Soren Kiekegaard

    The feeling of being hurried is not usually the result of living a full life and having no time. It is on the contrary born of a vague fear that we are wasting our life. When we do not do the one thing we ought to do, we have no time for anything else -- we are the busiest people in the world."
    -- Eric Hoffer

    "In order for the artist to have a world to express he must first be situated in this world, oppressed or oppressing, resigned or rebellious, a man among men."
    -- Simone de Beauvior

    "Sanity is madness put to good uses; waking life is a dream controlled."
    -- George Santayana

    "Nature shows that with qrowth of intelligence comes increased capacity for pain, and it is only with the highest degree of intelligence that suffering reaches its supreme point."
    -- Arthur Schopenhauer

    "Suicide may also be regarded as an experiment - a question which man puts to Nature, trying to force her to answer. The question is this: What change will death produce in a man's existence and in his insight into the nature of things? It is a clumsy experiment to make; for it involves the destruction of the very conciousness which puts the question and awaits the answer."
    -- Arthur Schopenhauer

    "They use thought only to justify their injustices, and speech only to disguise their thoughts."
    -- Voltaire

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  • I can't write anymore..eh, but what's the point when this song says it all "Anyone, Anyone" ~ dashboard -- jen sim, 15:40:23 09/02/01 Sun


    I'm not sure of anyone
    But I've got plans.
    I'm not asking for everything
    but sure I could use a hand.

    Get a little anxious sometimes
    you'll be gone and I'll be left behind.
    Get a little nervous sometimes
    it'll be my cue and I'll forget my lines.
    Get a little lost look
    as I'm staring from the corner of my eye.
    Never really mastered disinterest.

    I can't see how
    the way that you leave me yellow makes us close.
    I must be out of touch.
    I won't ask you
    to give up on the things that seem to keep you gone
    but I could be gone too.

    Feel a little sorry sometimes
    you're not here when I am writing.
    Feels a little awkward sometimes
    you won't talk but we're not fighting.
    You hold onto your secrets
    and I'm not privy to what is on your mind.
    When I can't help but feel tired
    so tired, so tired.

    [ Edit | View ]

  • "so long, so long, front foot leads the back one ..." -guster -- Jessica, 16:04:06 09/01/01 Sat


    ok, boys and girls.

    time to go off to college.


    see you ... on the other side?



    email me. i'll get lonely. asquishy4u@aol.com.


    bye ....

    [ Edit | View ]

  • it's about that time, boys and girls ... -- jess.i.ca., 03:33:35 08/28/01 Tue


    "connected to nothing"


    and when it mattered most,
    the dots connected to nothing.

    i said, i won't hold my own hand anymore.
    won't waste time making the fault all mine.
    if i had a car, i'd drive on the wrong side of the road
    and pray for a collision.
    just to feel that much of something at all.

    and there are so many things you could do
    just to make it alright - did you know that?
    you knew it all along.
    but you just smile yourself into the background,
    arms around your own hug.

    my eyes
    are cried shut.

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  • woohoo! -- Jessica, 01:27:40 09/01/01 Sat
    Hey guys...

    If anyone would like to purchase their very own copy of Rising to the Bottom's CD, "Too Much Philosophy", it's now available online!

    Just visit www.cdbaby.com/r2tb ... and you can buy a copy from that website.

    Thanks!

    [ Edit | View ]

  • Down too High -- Hobbes, 05:29:42 08/29/01 Wed

    3chord insomnia, the quality reflects the hour.... enjoy





    I'm down too high
    when you're around me
    and things fall to the sky
    when you're around me

    aNd thIS is not A LOVE SONG
    but you can still sing along
    wAIT,maYBE thIS is A LOVE SONG
    fuck it, you can still sing along

    Like a Drug, damn i need you.
    Like a Drug, damn i need you.
    more of you
    to hold on to
    but there is no more
    of you
    to belong to
    DAMN I NEED YOU
    GOD DAMN I NEED YOU

    *riffs no one can remember in the morning*

    [bite][lip][kisses]
    [neck][whispering][smiles]
    [touching][passion][playful]
    [laughing][leaving][waiting]
    [memory][wanting][more]

    *what time is it anyway*


    !!aNd thIS is not A LOVE SONG!!
    but you can still sing along
    damn i miss you
    wish you would come along
    shit, maybe this is a love song
    damn i wish you would come along

    again

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  • Ass Cream and soda machine dream -- Wind, 04:24:23 08/27/01 Mon
    When your grasshopper lacks a leg is that a mutation or evolution of something to come.
    The juice in my brain is gray and full of little pink and green orbs of light flowing around the arches of my skull.

    The life the job can be cleaned with the sweet smell of hope.
    Are we bound here never to escape because man has forgoten the main mission. Its not wealth. Its not country. Its not emoitions.

    What am I talking about, you dont. Try to remember

    [ Edit | View ]

  • Not that I expect anyone to read this or care, but I've always been uncomforable writing to myself... -- Willie..., 04:59:07 08/25/01 Sat
    In the past three days, I've realized some things...

    * I'm now less than a year away from being two decades old...
    * The new 'Planet of the Apes' sucks compared to the new one because it lacks nearly all the socio-political undertones that made the movie...
    * Just because you have a new car DOES NOT mean you can see how fast it goes...John Law says so...
    * Despite the amount of good, caring friends I have...I'm tragically alone. I'm uncomfortably isolated like I haven't felt since sitting in a foreign country listening to New Found Glory, while my friends and the woman I love spent the holidays without me.
    * And of course the fact that I need a hug, and a friend who needs me...

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  • SHORT -- Hobbes, 05:16:29 08/25/01 Sat

    .................................................
    .................................................
    ...................apperception..................
    .................................................
    .................................................

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  • A gun to the head of luck... -- Hobbes, 08:23:21 08/23/01 Thu

    ...answer me.


    Liquid personalities
    they shape the glass
    Liquid people
    they never last

    they evaporate
    way too fucking fast

    and incubated kids
    they fit the mold
    that they were poured into
    and even stranger
    they are the strangers
    who would change
    just to be you

    but sadly im the same
    so who's to blame
    for my education to perform

    im
    just
    like
    you:

    potty trained
    piss and shit here
    job trained
    piss and shit here

    who are you fucking people anyway?

    logic is bullshit
    can i reach any further
    can i fall any farther
    please come a little closer
    please go the fuck away

    aw, look...

    the monkey dances
    the puppet moves
    so funny
    so fucking funny
    the monkey
    the puppet
    and the things they think they choose

    insane hours...

    look at your wrist
    deny that something is keeping you alive
    deny that something is inside
    of you
    and the things around
    you

    chaos is a curiosity...

    1/3 of your life is spent asleep
    if you live to be 100 years old
    33 will be dreamed in an obscure place
    that is always dismissed
    and rarely trusted


    and here we go on our merry way...

    to laugh and love
    to die someday

    so driven
    so,
    who is the driver
    anyway

    arbitrary are these scratches
    that represent ideas
    grammar is only used for clarity
    but ambiguity will always exist

    and it is obsurd to try and ryhme these words
    just to drive it home
    so many ways to yell
    to make your voice known

    You are me
    and you and me
    we are scared of needles
    and we bend to be
    so pretty
    so perfect
    but you can't lie
    to the you
    who is
    the me

    so begin by picking your team in reality
    i can only imagine that you will go a different way

    but the part of you that you could never be
    will be kept alive
    by my insanity
    and the part of you that couldn't live to be
    crazy like you would like to be
    will be kept alive
    by my insanity

    you can just lie
    until you die

    i just don't give a fuck anymore

    with a gun to the head of luck

    ... the bastard still won't answer.

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  • Let's make friend -- Rebecca, 15:13:40 08/20/01 Mon
    Hi,

    Found this free website recently, If you wanna know more about me, click the following to register:

    http://www.friendplay.com/go/ref.cgi?vid=rebeccabax


    You can also view my photo here,
    http://www.friendplay.com/cgi-bin/fp/myfriendplay.cgi?ac=profile&username=rebeccabax

    Hope to see you there.

    [ Edit | View ]

  • This song reminds me of you -- blue eyed girl, 18:28:55 08/14/01 Tue
    I probably listened to this song a thousand times and never really took time out to listen to the words. I finally listened to the song and some of these phrases make me think of someone who is very special to me... I hope u know who u are! :)


    Near You Always
    by Jewel

    Please don't say I love you,
    those words touch me much too deeply
    and they make my core tremble
    Don't think you realize the effect you have over me
    And please don't look at me like that
    It just makes me want to make you near me always
    Please don't kiss me so sweet
    it makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow
    And please don't touch me like that
    makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow
    Please don't come so close
    It just makes me want to make you near me always

    BRIDGE: Please don't bring me flowers
    they only whisper the sweet things you'd say
    Don't try to understand me
    your hands already know too much anyway
    It just makes me want to make you near me always

    And when you look in my eyes
    please know my heart is in your hands
    It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms
    you have complete power over me
    So be gentle if you please 'cause
    You hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth
    And it makes me want to make you near me always
    You hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth
    And it makes me want to make you near me always
    I want to be near you always
    I want to be near you always
    I want to be near you always

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  • it's new poetry day! i wrote this at the leather cart... -- saira, 01:44:59 08/15/01 Wed


    it's that time of night again
    when the sun tans beneath my shirt.
    so i guess it's time for me to catch up with myself.

    maybe i'm a bit anxious,
    and my whole "deal" is paranoia,
    what's my bag you ask?
    well, all you cool cats...
    i don't know... 50s slang doesn't understand me.

    i keep alive the wholesome goodness tho,
    almost like i wear a poodle skirt each night.
    i curse at profanity
    and cover eyes when the movie starts to sweat.
    yet my humanitarian efforts still go unnoticed.
    maybe i'll join a barbershop quartet.
    that'll show em.

    but enough about me...

    yesterday i spoke words i thought i forgot,
    suppose not tho.
    i AM part elephant after all.
    but anyway... here's the recap.

    no formalities.
    just intimate hellos.
    never imagined myself in that position.
    where the back of my head churned temptation.
    but let's not pretend to seem interested.

    so here's the weird part:
    (because the rest of me is the feminized poster boy of normality)
    each breath told a different story,
    and all i thought was,
    "damn his left tooth is pointy"
    i laughed through my teeth too,
    which scared us both.
    yet he still smelled so damned good.

    that was it.
    well, that, a few half smiles,
    and a careless goodbye...
    which i practiced a thousand and three times before.

    perhaps it wasn't a momentous succession,
    but my blood did flow faster.
    it's a wonder i'm still put up with.

    i guess it's all about me,
    until it's about you...
    and then it's still about me.
    go figure.

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  • Just something new, not sure how I feel bout it yet... -- Crysta, 02:08:17 08/14/01 Tue
    Vision tip-toeing through the dark
    To light upon your profile.
    Eyes glistening with reflection,
    An open-mouthed monotonous stare,
    But stars spark beneath your casual brooding,
    And I watch you as a clear, beautiful night.

    Entangled within the clouds that swim into day,
    I wake to find you sprawled above,
    Shadowing me from the sun
    Though it stretches,
    Reaching beyond your frame,
    A halo capturing what seeps from within.

    Exhale

    The wind rushes whistling past my ears
    As heat fades into smiles,
    And I'll float my response from yours,
    Lightly flying admist the twinkling blue skyline.

    But gray is bound for arrival with droplets of cold rain,
    And while thunder trembles in the distance,
    I'll listen, enraptured under cover,
    Only daring for a little water to bathe my skin.

    In all of your essence, I long to find you.

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  • A Crack In The Ground -- Blue eyed girl, 20:32:40 08/14/01 Tue
    **I was cleaning my room and I found a journal that I used to write in. I wrote this 2 summers ago, when I was depressed. I changed the names. :) Things are better now.**

    My life has been real hard on me lately. My friend, Marie told me the other day that God never gives us more than what we can handle. If that's true, maybe I appear stronger than what I really am. I feel that my life right now is at one of the lowest points that it has ever reached. Sometimes crying isn't enough. I feel like I need more to feel better, and one of the only things I have found to keep my spirits high at these times is my friend Wayne. The funny thing is that he really doesn't have to do anything to put a smile across my face. As long as he's here with me, I'm happy. With other people, they have to DO something to keep me happy; to keep my mind off of things. But not Wayne.
    Right now, I am sitting on the driveway- alone from everyone else. I was crying my eyes out a few minutes ago because Wayne (again) tole me that he's more than likely not going to stay in town afterall. If only he'd realize how much I need him.
    But sitting here looking at the ground made me realize something that I think I will remember for the rest of my life.
    On my driveway there's a big crack in the ground. I don't know how it got there, but I do know that it was created by something big. Or maybe more than one big thing. Maybe it was the car that sits on the driveway- maybe the weather- maybe it's just getting older.. but whatever caused the crack was something more powerful than me.
    I also see little tiny sugar ants, (the ones that don't bite), making their line that passes over the tiny crack. I see that when each tiny ant fixes to cross the crack, they hesitate for a second or two and then they cross over it. I have no idea what thoughts cross such a tiny mind, but I know they're somehow wondering how they're going to cross the crack. After that, another ant does the same thing. It goes to show that they depend on each other to cross the crack in the ground. If they didn't have each other, they couldn't possibly cross over the crack.
    And to me, Wayne is my "ant" that gets me over the "cracks" that I face in life.. the ones that I can't get through alone. He doesn't realize that without saying a word, that just BEING there, is all it takes to put a smile on my sad face. Just by being there in person, or in my heart.

    6/16/99

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