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September 11

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asdf -- adsf, 22:22:46 05/12/03 Mon
May10 version

Harm looked at the invitation in his hand as he entered the Harmyville Memorial Theatre. He had been invited to a special Talent Show in honor of Cecilia's Birthday. He was used to spending birthday's with the HB women and while he KNEW first hand that they were a talented bunch�It wasn't exactly the kind of talent that belonged on a stage�

Warily, he walked into the theater and was amazed at all the vendor booths that filled the lobby. He noticed:

Cindy B's Legs
�frantic women were crowded around the booth buying the precious legs as fast as a frazzled Cindy B could sew and stuff them.

Crossy's Party Palz
- he blushed at some of the memories those brought back and hurried past before anyone noticed him.

manette's Meat Tray and Plaster Palace
- aaaahhhh good times, he sighed on his way past the bustling crowd.

He hurried into the darkened auditorium, wanting to get a good seat and he found one waiting for him right beside the birthday girl, Cecilia. Grabbing her hand he settled in to wait for the show to begin. This should be different�

Suddenly a spotlight hit the stage, a hush fell over the murmuring crowd, and judi walked out from behind the curtain. She approached the microphone�"In honor of Cecilia's birthday, I would like to welcome you all to the first annual Harmyhoard Board Talent Show!"

~Thunderous applause �Stamping feet�WOOOO HOOOOO~

"For our first act I give you the Harmyboard Chorus!!!"

The curtain opened to reveal a mob of motley women�some with bags over their heads standing on risers. Old Spice stepped forward and waved to the crowd, then turned and raised her hands to lead the group in song. "We love you HARMY�Oh yes we DOOO."

Out in the audience Cece leaned over to Harm and whispered�I see Jbird,CQ, Spud, Claudia, Emjay, Techie and Ashke, but I don't recognize some of those other women do you?"

Harm, who was a master at juggling lots of women told her quickly and quietly so as not to interfere with the performance, "That is jersey girl, Rita B, Araninda, Vivienne, Lindy S, Aims, Carmy, Carol D, Caroll, Alicia, LRM. Aerogirl," he paused to take a deep breath. "Jaggar, Kathy, kay, Bookworm Girl, Josie, docphil, Brenda, Gracie, Amanda Adams, Dragon, Scotty, DJEgirl, Sarah S, Katerina, Beth, andie, sydney possem Shipper Mom, Erin and Rachel�"

"WE love you HARMY and we'll be TRUUE."

"Wow, Harm- you really know your Harmyboarders, but who are the ones with the bags over their heads?" Cece asked as she batted her eyes at Harm coyly.

"Oh, those are the lurkers," Harm said with a grin. Suddenly his beeper went off . He read the message and said, "Excuse me, Cece. It seems I am needed backstage�.but I'll be back, my little birthday girl.." He ran his thumb across her cheek�as he was won't to do�and disappeared. On stage the choir was finishing their number.

"When you're not with us �WE"RE BLUE!!!!! Oh Harmy- WE love YOU!!!! Oh and Happy Birthday to Cece�and many mooooooore"!!!

Old Spice and the choir took a bow then ran off the stage.

Meanwhile backstage Michelle was excitedly speaking with Judi."So, Michy --- where�s your entry for Cece�s birthday talent show? We�re about to go on!"

�Here ya go, Judi!� Michelle grinned shoving a script in her hands.

~as judi reads an increasing look of horror appears on her face!~

"MICHELLE!!!!"

What?

"I can�t let you do THIS!"

"Why not?"

"It�s �..it�s ��"

"What?"

"Disgusting!"

"It is not! What do you mean? Where? I am� well.. I am just HIGHLY offended.. and.. and.. SURPRISED! You WOUND me, Judi!"

"Come on, Michelle! You & Harm � O.K. Even you in the cowgirl outfit and Harm in just the chaps � O.K. But the COW? Why, VOY would shut down our ceremoany.. not to mention my Board!"

"Oh, you�re just being a prude!" Michelle was incensed.

"I am not!"

"Oh yes you are! And here I thought it was YOU who put the �D� in RDOL! HA! You�re a big fraud!"

~Judi is speechless..~

"Alright alright �� how about I take out the cow?"

"Oh good! .. and the flying monkeys!"

"Take out the Flying Monkeys TOO??????? You�ll ruin the whole thing!"

"Michelle ��"

"It isn�t even interesting without the flying monkeys!"

"'Interesting' isn�t exactly how I�d characterize it."

"You�re just no fun anymore, judi! Just forget the whole thing."

"Now, Michy �..It�s just that� well.. you know.. Cece is so � cultured� and .. refined.. I don�t think she�d APPRECIATE it like � well� perhaps someone ELSE might."

"I know� It�s just that�it�s ruined without the cow AND the monkeys�."

"I know.. I�m sorry, really �."

"That�s o.k. I understand. Maybe I can use it some other time."

"Sure. Good idea. When?"

"When�s LU�S birthday?????????"

Michelle returned to her seat, sulking and muttering about the Resident Prude Old Lady. As if on cue, Lu frantically ran up. Judi tried to hide, but it was too late. Lu had spotted her.

"judi, I�m glad you�re here. I have a question�

Lu. Please. NO more QUESTIONS! Just.. ask manette,� Judi pleaded, popping two dry aspirins.

Oh.. o.k� but.. I still have a question for you.

Sigh.. what is it?

Well.. it�s just that I�m confused. I THOUGHT you wanted Manette and I to�..

AAAAIIIIIIGHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Gack! Nevermind! Nevermind! Sheesh. You know.. you really should check about that nervous problem of yours� And.. how many of those aspirins have you HAD today? Umm� Anyway� , I really DO have a question only you can answer.

Sigh.. O.k.. go ahead�

Why was this cow in my living room this morning?

Oh.. ummm�.

I found her there when I woke up!! There was a Dale Evans suit tied around it�s neck, and a note to show up here for Cece�s BD ceremoany. I don�t suppose YOU know anything about that, do you?"

"That�s what I thought. Sigh� Judi.. Can you even comprehend the MESS it made in my living room? There�s not enough cat litter in the Universe to handle something like that. And speaking of cats, mine�s going to need therapy BIG TIME after Princess Poo here played cat box bingo this a.m.!!"

"Uhh.. her name is Princess Moo.." judi said helpfully.

"WHATEVER! Oh.. and just in case you don�t know this already.. I am NOT putting that outfit on." Lu crossed her arms stubbornly.

"But Luoodles!" judi said slyly. "Haven�t your heard? HARM is going to be a cowBOY! And you can be his cowGIRL!"

"What? Are you sure?" asked Lu, instantly becoming more interested.

"Oh absolutely. Now.. I�ve heard that you used to be QUITE the rider in your day! Why don�t you show off some of your stuff from the back of your trusty steed, �Princess Moo.�

"Trusty steed 'Moo'??? The COW?! Oh.. You�ve got to be kidding me. I�m not riding that thing!"

"But Lu! Remember your youth? You know� YEEE HAAWWW and all that. PLUS, you�ll have plenty of time to do all SORTS of tricks. Look how SLOW she moves. It�ll be perfect! And as your last trick you can LEAP from the cow�s back into the waiting arms of Harmkins. Then you and he can ride off into the sunset together! Whatdaya say?!" judi knew how to play Lu like a fiddle.

"I say saddle up that DOGGIE!" Lu screamed as she stripped and threw on the COWgirl outfit. ~screams were heard in the background as several stage hands staggered off, blinded by the fishbelly whiteness of bare Lu.~

"Let's here it for the chorus," judi said as she walked back out on stage, removing her sunglasses. "For our next act we have a special treat! Our very own Lu is going to amaze us with trick riding! May I present Luoodles and Princess Moo!!"

The curtain rose and a hush fell over the audience as a cow began to plod across the stage chewing its cud, it's bell clanging.

Michelle looked up in disbelief. Leaping to her feet she began screaming, �That�s MY cow! That woman STOLE my COW!!!� Two security guards discreetly drug her from the audience as judi popped two more Excedrin and a valium for good measure.

Oblivious of Michy�s disturbance Luoodles waved to the crowd and then stood up on the cow's back, wobbling on one foot as it meandered across the stage. Encouraged by the wide eyed wonder of the crowd she dropped down into the saddle once before lifting herself up on her arms and swinging her legs in mighty circles as the cow looked back at her disinterestedly. Deciding for a big finish, she balanced herself on her head and was halfway up into a headstand when Harmkins rode up on his Mighty Stallion. The crowd went wild at the sight of Harmipoo. Cameras flashed all over the auditorium, startling Miss Moo who abruptly went nuts, galloping around the stage in a mad, desperate attempt to escape the blinding lights. Finally it leapt from the stage and went bawling down the aisle and out onto the street, Lu wrapped around it�s neck like a bandana. The curtain came down on a startled Harm and his horse as judi hurried back out onto the stage.

"Don't worry folks, Lu is fine. Princess Moo spotted Michelle across the parking lot and made a beeline for her�~cough~...ANYWAY�for our next act we have �" judi stopped as a woman, looking kinda like Barbie on steroids, strode across the stage tugging along two little girls clad in �GO NAVY� jammies.

The woman, dressed in a thick, purple spa-type robe, had huge HUGE pink curlers in her thinning hair and some icky looking slime on her face. On her feet were these enormous furry Garfield slippers that scuffed as she walked. In her left hand she carried a massive boom box, like the kind that rappers carry.

�Oh, Harmmmmyyyy!� she sang out, a smile cracking through the junk on her face. �Where are you Harmykins?�

The girls held each other�s hand, with the younger one sucking her thumb and cuddling a blankie and an orange Tigger.

�Mommy�s at it again,� the older one whispered into her sister�s ear, �I can�t believe she�s making us help too.�

The younger one pulled her thumb out of her mouth just long enough to ask her sister, �Is she still sweepin?� then immediately stuck her thumb back into place as she hung onto her Tigger for dear life.

�Yup. She�s sleeping,� the older one said, adding, �I hope she doesn�t sing this time!�

The younger one shuddered and grabbed hold of her sister�s arm crying, �I wanna go home! Where�s Daddy?�

�I dunno,� the older girl said, shrugging her shoulders, �I heard Mommy say something about a closet.�

Amidst the throng of women sat Pretz and CatMom, noticing immediately through the gunk on the woman�s face, that it was CharS.

�Oh . . . My. . . GOSH!� gasped Pretz, �She�s sleepwalking again! And she�s brought the kids this time!�

�THIS could get ugly. Where's Sarahsue? We're gonna need her help,� CatMom whispered.

�Ugly? THAT�s an understatement! I'll go find her. I think she was Lu' s stunt double for the cow act.� Pretz gasped as she hurried away and tried to shield her eyes from the bizarre scene unfolding on the stage in front of the crowd.

CatMom whipped out a cell phone and dialed the local psych ward, �Um, Doctor? We�ve got a problem. You better get your tushy here pronto! Yup, she�s at it again, and bring the stun gun this time!�

Meanwhile up on the stage, CharS had set the boom box down and tugged the hands of her two little girls, bringing them into the center of the stage. She tapped the microphone, causing it to squeal as she shouted into it, �IS THIS THING ON???�

The crowd covered their ears and cringed at the horrendous noise. CatMom tried to sneak backstage, knowing what the crowd was in store for.

�Mememememe!!!!!!!� CharS sung into the mic, then clearing her throat with a loud GACK! She turned around and whispered something to the older child. The girl gingerly stepped forward and set the boom box down at her mother�s feet and then quickly retreated to where her sister stood. Both girls stuck their fingers in their ears and squeezed their eyes shut, trembling.

Cece sat there shocked at what she was seeing. She whispered to Harm, who had returned to his seat and was still wearing his Cowboy outfit much to her delight, �Um, is this part of the show?�

All Harm could do was shake his head no, afraid to open his mouth for fear that the scream building up inside him would let loose!

CharS bent over and pressed play on the box, her bosom nearly tumbling out of nightshirt she wore under the robe, causing the crowd to gasp in horror. She then stood up and grasped the microphone. Pointing out into the audience with her right hand as the music began to swell, she cried out in a loud screeching voice,

�Harmykins, this one�s for you!!!!!!�

She closed her eyes and put her mouth up to the microphone and began to sing�grossly out of tune. Actually, her singing was a lot like fingernails on a chalkboard.

�Soooo many nights. . . . I sit by my window . . . . waiting for someone . . . .�

Somewhere in the back of the auditorium a scream filled the air. As the crowd turned around to see what the commotion was, they saw Dancer and Heather running from the room, covering their ears.

Suddenly, to the right of the stage CatMom, Pretz and Sarahsue appeared with wads of cotton sticking out of their ears. A doctor followed closely behind, a huge stun gun crackling in his left hand and a syringe in his right.

Judi tried to quiet the murmuring crowd as they watched Char being lead away, "It's ok folks--she won't remember any of this when she wakes up!! As I was saying--for our next act we have two lovely sisters who wanted to do something culturally uplifting in honor of our Champion of Culture Cece�so without further ado�I give you Mag and Mary performing a ballet they choreographed themselves�Oh-- just a minute.. I�ve just received word they�re not QUITE ready yet�Umm-- Let me check on them. Be right back, Ladies and Gents.

judi stepped back behind curtain to find Mag and Mary in a heated debate�

"Look, Mary.. There are two sets of tights but only ONE tutu. I get the tutu."
"Oh no you don�t. I�M not being the guy! YOU be the guy."
"I�m not going to be the guy. How embarrassing. YOU be the guy."
"Look. I�m not ABOUT to heft YOU over MY head. YOU be the guy!"
"Are you insinuating I weigh more then you?"
"Look.. I just know what I saw at Easter.. All those empty bags of candy �.�
"What?!"
"I can still smell the chocolate on your breath!"
"Gasp! You can not!"
"Almond Joys!"
"I didn�t TOUCH them"
"Right�. Oh look! Was that a shock tremor in my water glass? Do another plie so I can check".
"Gasp!.... You.. you... BRAT! You were ALWAYS mother�s FAVORITE! � SLAP!"
"OW! Hey! SLAP!"

~Suddenly both women fall thru curtain, unaware that they were now on stage�. ~

"Ow! YANK!"
"My HAIR! WITCH!"
"Oooff!"
"Gack!"

judi rolled her eyes, pulled a handle and they both fell through the stage trap door�

Cece turned to apologize to Harm for the outlandish behavior of the two women but he was standing up applauding with gusto. "Nothing like a good cat fight!!" he said as he sat back down beside her. His beeper went off again and before she knew it he had disappeared backstage once more.

As soon as he got backstage manette started chasing Harm around in circles. judi hurried over to see what the commotion was about.

" JUUUDI�Harm won't let me see his BALLS!!! I keep asking him but he's scared." judi looked at manette like she had lost her mind as Harm hurried to cower behind the RDOL. "I keep telling him that I am just going to JUGGLE them with my feet. I can BOUNCE them from my feet to my thighs off my chest and back down to my feet without ever letting them HIT the ground." manette said proudly. "I'm VERY good!! I've had years of practice and I hardly EVER step on them anymore, except when I'm getting started�then I step on a BALL, ROLL it with my foot so that I can FLIP it into the air! I've only SQUASHED two BALLS in the last few days. I even have a trick where I can KICK his BALLS in the air and catch them on the back of my neck and then BOUNCE them back off and CATCH them on my foot again. I mean I could use someone else's BALLS, but since it is Cece's birthday I thought it would be really SPECIAL if I could juggle HARM'S BALLS for her�." He whimpered from behind judi as manette walked over to him and then reached past him and grabbed a soccer ball out of the bag that was sitting on the ground beside him�."I never realized you were such a BABY, Harm!!" manette said as she stomped off in a huff. "So much for the big brave pilot--."

Harm hid behind judi until she had disappeared. "It's ok, Harm. She's gone�you're safe. Now listen, get ready to help Abby with her act�Oh and would you mind grabbing her chain saw on your way onstage?" judi didn't notice his horrified expression as she patted his cheek and hurried out to introduce the next act�The natives were getting restless.

"I give you Abby and her wonderful world of ice sculpture!!"

Abby walked out onto stage dragging a huge hunk of ice behind her. She waved to the crowd and announced�"In honor of Cece's birthday I will now carve an ice sculpture of our very own Harm!! And as a special surprise he has agreed to model for us!!!!"

All of the women in the audience gasped as he stepped out on stage. He was wearing nothing but boxers and a game smile as he handed Abby her chain saw. She revved it up and ice started flying everywhere. The women oohed and ahhed and then started fanning themselves ferociously. The combined power surge of hundreds of female hot flashes soon had the temperature soaring to 110 degrees. Sweat started pouring off of bare chested Harm and the women were swooning at the sight. Abby carved away at the dwindling hunk of ice trying to capture Harmy in all his glory, but soon�. a lonely lump of ice was all that remained unmelted�Desperate to save her act she was suddenly struck by inspiration. She turned to face the audience with a flourish and said, "Ladies�I give you�Harmo Erectus!!!" Thunderous applause erupted even as harmo melted and dripped off the table. Sweaty but bewildered, Harm waved to the hot happy crowd and disappeared backstage.

Judi walked on to the stage and said, "This next act is very special, because one of our very reluctant posters has made a special request. Lauri wants to recite a poem just for Cece."

Lauri walked shyly out onto stage�she walked over to the microphone and dug one toe into the ground as she said demurely�..

"Trees� by Joyce Kilmer as recited by Lauri�, Cece!

I think that I shall never see
A poem as lovely as a tre�She suddenly spied Harm who had just retaken his seat beside Cecilia...HARM!!!!

She launched herself off the stage landing in his lap as she continued to recite the poem--

A HARM whose hungry mouth is pressed
Against my sweet and flowing breast

"Lauri�behave yourself!!" Cece tried to pull the woman off of Harm's lap.

A HARM that looks at me all day
And lifts his beefy arms to pick me up and carry me away!!!!!

A HARM that may in Summer wear
His whites or boxers�I don't care

Lauri locked her arms around Harm's neck and held on for dear life.

Upon my bosom he has lain
And licked me like a candy cane

HARM was made for fools like me
And Cece can't have him even if it is her birthday�So get away, you hussy!!!!

Cece, not being one to resort to physical violence, began to pout. "It's my birthday, Harmy�Do something!!"

Harm reached over and ran a thumb across Cece's check- as he was won't to do- then he stood up with Lauri still attached and assured Cecilia that he would be right back.

Meanwhile judi had been dealing with another problem backstage. She had come upon Crossy all upset, sitting in the middle of some really big top hats. "What's going on?"

"Oh, judi-- I don't know WHAT to do. I had Tiner, AJ, Gunny, Webb, Bud and Sturgis all lined up to do the Navel Whistler act and they heard manette was KICKING people in the balls, and they all ran out of here screaming. I don't have TIME to find replacements."

"We'll just have to fill in for them�no one will know the difference�the hats will cover their faces." Judi decided. "Go grab Cathy F, Brigette, Matou, Cindy B and Spud�tell them to get in here on the double."

"All right girls"�she told them when they gathered around. "We HAVE to pitch in and SAVE the show for Cece's sake. See these big hats? Well stick your arms up inside them and pull them over your heads�See they have peepholes. Then we will draw lips around your belly buttons and a nose on your stomach and eyes on your chest and you will look like you are whistling! It will be great�All you have to do is stand there and wiggle a little bit."

"judi�there is only one problem. When men do this, you draw the eyes on their chests" Cathy F said patiently.

"So?" judi was struggling to put a hat on a squirming Cindy B.

"Well, we have boobies�No one is drawing eyeballs on my boobies!!!" Spud crossed both arms across her chest protectively.

"Harm can draw on my boobies!" Crossy declared excitedly

"The googly-eyed Navel Whistlers�"added Brigitte jiggling as she jumped up and down.

"No way�We'll look like the saggy, bug eyed Navel Whistlers!!" Matou yelled.

"Ok," judi said quickly. "Start getting ready. I'll think of something." She ran off to the handy wardrobe room and came back and threw something at the women. "Put these on and I will stall for time with my act while you are getting ready�just give me a signal when you're ready."

Judi ran out on stage and said nervously�"Well there has been another short delay�
BUT�I wanted to do something special for Cece's birthday too and since I'm not creative like the rest of you. I thought I'd do the only thing I know how to do � code!!!

We will start with Computer Programming Lesson 69. Ok, I skipped 1 through 68, so sue me!
Now down to business. In honor of my prot�g�, Cece, we are going to learn how to write a simple computer program. Now what you must understand is that Cece didn�t know much about how computers work when we met and well, I knew nothing about real English. Now every other word out of my mouth is bugger and she's talking bits, bytes and nibbles �

But she recently had a setback. Don�t ask her about the time she thought her computer died and she called me all the way from Vancouver and I told her to check the plug. Cor Blimey Governor! it worked !!! LOL Boy was she cheesed off that it was just the bloody plug. Sod it!!! But in reality it was � FM. That�s a technical term which means - fine magic. (I bet Michelle and Techie know this one.)

We are going to write the program in pseudocode. Pseudocode is an outting (bugger all!) outline of a program written in a form that can easily be converted into real programming statements So the computer can�t read this but y�all will understand it. So here goes:

All programs have variables defanged (oh blimey, I mistyped) defined. Variables are vultures (sod it, that's not right) values that can change depending on conditions. This is the mean (I can't bloody well type) main part of the program. If you branch to a function, when the function is finished, you return to main. So let us first define a variable called HarmsClothes.

Main
Define HarmsClothes as text

** Now we�ll use HarmsClothes in an IF THEN statement. This gives choices to the user. Forever instance:

IF HarmsClothes = DressWhites
THEN GOTO Em_Jay
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = Boxers
THEN GOTO Shell
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = NULL
THEN GOTO Trish OR Abby
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = Shorts
THEN GOTO RDOL
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = chocolate
THEN GOTO CatMom OR CQ
IF HarmsClothes = TrenchCoat
THEN GOTO Cece
ELSE
GOTO AllHarmyBoarders ** If all condi fails, then take a donnybrook at the HarmyBoard
END IF

End Main *** Bugger off

Each of the GOTOs tell you to go to a particular FUNCTION. So in the case of Cece, it will go to a function called Cece. Also, in this function, you will learn about loops. That's where the same action repeats itself for however long you tell it to, using i as the counter. Remember that when you enter the function that HarmsClothes means TrenchCoat.

Cece
DEFINE BritTart AS TYPE CanadianHussy
DEFINE Nookie AS TYPE HotMonkeySex
DEFINE Harm AS TYPE Stud

FOR i = 1 to 100 ** This action will be performed 100 times.
HarmsClothes = null ** I have changed HarmsClothes to nothing
MOVE Harm to BritTart
Nookie = Harm + BritTart
NEXT i ** add 1 to i
Loop
END FUNCTION ** Return to main part of the program

Also, you've got to be careful of an endless loop. That's where i never gets to 100 and the loop goes on forever which I'm sure what Cece would prefer. LOL Of course, Harm would be gobsmacked that Cec can keep up with him.

So now y'all have your computer lesson and if you understood any of this, you are now a certifiable HarmyNerd or a BarmyHarmy. Oh BTW, to be a programmer, you must drink coffee and lots of it. Some can get away with spot of tea or coke, but not many. If someone bothers you while you're getting your caffeine fix, tell them to put a sock in it! Thank you and I hope you have learned a lot!"
audience was transfixed, not that they understood a word judi was saying, but with that crowd if you used the word Harm, no clothes, nookie and Hot Monkey Sex you could keep their attention for hours.

Suddenly judi got the signal from off stage that the Whistlers were ready to take their places. "Ok ladies- it is now time for our next act."

The curtain opened to reveal the women wearing giant top hats covering their faces, black sports bras over their boobs and red lipstick on their navels. They marched and wiggled to the tune of The Bridge on the River as judi announced, "I give you the blindfolded Navel Whistlers!!"

Cece was still pouting, while she watched the whistlers, but she cheered up when Harm returned sans Lauri. He settled in beside her and took her hand once more.

The whistlers were onstage whistling while backstage Mz. Bob, Trish, judi, Shell, Tracy, manette and the visiting honorary Texas Tart CB, dressed in sequined dresses and impossibly high heels, were talking all at once. They were not happy.

"A kick line?!" Tracy grumbled.

"We can�t do a kick line! I can't even walk in these shoes-- " Shell moaned as she wobbled around in small circles.

"Who�s idea WAS this anyway?� snapped Scotty, as she quickly put the bag back over her head.

�Can�t we do something ELSE?" everyone wailed.

~All eyes turned to judi.~

"Like WHAT? Tell me what talent anyone here has!" judi asked pointedly.

Trish frantically waved her hand in air, "OOOO!!!! OOOOO!!!!"

"That we won�t be arrested for!" judi said as she put her hands on her hips.

"Ohhh�ummm--never mind," Trish mumbled.

"Exactly. Now shut up and get� WHAT is that SMELL??!!! Oh gee� MZ Bob! Are you wearing Ben Gay? Ladies.. sigh.. we are TRYING to exude YOUTHFUL exuberance! Now get with the PROGRAM! Somebody raise the curtain! Ready?! And�."

"WAIT!!!!"

"What? NOW?!!! Hold the curtain! Sigh.. What is it, Shell?"

"Where�s Harm? Judi, YOU said Harm would be here. YOU said �"

"He�s in the audience."

"He�s in the audience? WHERE?"

The curtain went up as the sound of CanCan music filled the hall.

"We�re on! Go! Go! Go! One� Two� Three.. KICK!"

"Where�s Harm? Pant! Pant! KICK! Tracy! Do you see him? Two.. three.. KICK!"

"OW!!! Hey! Watch it, CB! Three.. KICK!"

"My eye! My eye! KICK! Where�s Harm? Two.. three� I don�t see him. KICK! Mz. Bob! Can you see Har�KICK! Owwwww�."

Oh.. I think I HURT myself�. RIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!! Ut Oh .. there goes the Birthday banner. Two.. three� KICK! Shell�s not going to like that. She stayed up all night piecing this thing together�two.. three.. KICK!"

"Who cares.. Where�s HARM?!! "

"One .. two�. Oh man.. I�m getting tired� three KICK! Wait! I think I see him! Oh my GOSH! There he IS!!!! GEEEEETTTTT HIMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!"

With their arms still wrapped around each other's shoulders they rushed to the front of the stage toward Harmkins. Suddenly, simultaneous calf cramps did them in. They tripped over their high heels and started falling like dominoes. Soon they were just a tangled mass of moaning, groaning sequins.

judi crawled out from under the pile and watched them flop around like fish out of water. It was obvious that they couldn't get up so she pulled the lever on the trap door. The floor dropped out from under them, and they rolled out into the back parking lot.

The audience, thinking it was the big finale, stood and gave them an earth-shaking ovation as they disappeared from view.

The Texas Tarts scraped themselves off the concrete and looked around the back parking lot. It was filled with the tattered and torn Harmyboard acts�They were all tired but happy. They knew that they had given their all to honor Cece. The bruised and battered bunch looked up in time to see Harm as he carried Cece out of the theatre and dropped her into his corvette. It started with one lone voice but soon the Harmyville night was filled with song---and as the happy couple drove away they could hear---

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR CECE!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOOUU!"

[ Edit | View ]
asdfas -- asdf, 22:07:53 05/12/03 Mon
May10 version

Harm looked at the invitation in his hand as he entered the Harmyville Memorial Theatre. He had been invited to a special Talent Show in honor of Cecilia's Birthday. He was used to spending birthday's with the HB women and while he KNEW first hand that they were a talented bunch�It wasn't exactly the kind of talent that belonged on a stage�

Warily, he walked into the theater and was amazed at all the vendor booths that filled the lobby. He noticed:

Cindy B's Legs
�frantic women were crowded around the booth buying the precious legs as fast as a frazzled Cindy B could sew and stuff them.

Crossy's Party Palz
- he blushed at some of the memories those brought back and hurried past before anyone noticed him.

manette's Meat Tray and Plaster Palace
- aaaahhhh good times, he sighed on his way past the bustling crowd.

He hurried into the darkened auditorium, wanting to get a good seat and he found one waiting for him right beside the birthday girl, Cecilia. Grabbing her hand he settled in to wait for the show to begin. This should be different�

Suddenly a spotlight hit the stage, a hush fell over the murmuring crowd, and judi walked out from behind the curtain. She approached the microphone�"In honor of Cecilia's birthday, I would like to welcome you all to the first annual Harmyhoard Board Talent Show!"

~Thunderous applause �Stamping feet�WOOOO HOOOOO~

"For our first act I give you the Harmyboard Chorus!!!"

The curtain opened to reveal a mob of motley women�some with bags over their heads standing on risers. Old Spice stepped forward and waved to the crowd, then turned and raised her hands to lead the group in song. "We love you HARMY�Oh yes we DOOO."

Out in the audience Cece leaned over to Harm and whispered�I see Jbird,CQ, Spud, Claudia, Emjay, Techie and Ashke, but I don't recognize some of those other women do you?"

Harm, who was a master at juggling lots of women told her quickly and quietly so as not to interfere with the performance, "That is jersey girl, Rita B, Araninda, Vivienne, Lindy S, Aims, Carmy, Carol D, Caroll, Alicia, LRM. Aerogirl," he paused to take a deep breath. "Jaggar, Kathy, kay, Bookworm Girl, Josie, docphil, Brenda, Gracie, Amanda Adams, Dragon, Scotty, DJEgirl, Sarah S, Katerina, Beth, andie, sydney possem Shipper Mom, Erin and Rachel�"

"WE love you HARMY and we'll be TRUUE."

"Wow, Harm- you really know your Harmyboarders, but who are the ones with the bags over their heads?" Cece asked as she batted her eyes at Harm coyly.

"Oh, those are the lurkers," Harm said with a grin. Suddenly his beeper went off . He read the message and said, "Excuse me, Cece. It seems I am needed backstage�.but I'll be back, my little birthday girl.." He ran his thumb across her cheek�as he was won't to do�and disappeared. On stage the choir was finishing their number.

"When you're not with us �WE"RE BLUE!!!!! Oh Harmy- WE love YOU!!!! Oh and Happy Birthday to Cece�and many mooooooore"!!!

Old Spice and the choir took a bow then ran off the stage.

Meanwhile backstage Michelle was excitedly speaking with Judi."So, Michy --- where�s your entry for Cece�s birthday talent show? We�re about to go on!"

�Here ya go, Judi!� Michelle grinned shoving a script in her hands.

~as judi reads an increasing look of horror appears on her face!~

"MICHELLE!!!!"

What?

"I can�t let you do THIS!"

"Why not?"

"It�s �..it�s ��"

"What?"

"Disgusting!"

"It is not! What do you mean? Where? I am� well.. I am just HIGHLY offended.. and.. and.. SURPRISED! You WOUND me, Judi!"

"Come on, Michelle! You & Harm � O.K. Even you in the cowgirl outfit and Harm in just the chaps � O.K. But the COW? Why, VOY would shut down our ceremoany.. not to mention my Board!"

"Oh, you�re just being a prude!" Michelle was incensed.

"I am not!"

"Oh yes you are! And here I thought it was YOU who put the �D� in RDOL! HA! You�re a big fraud!"

~Judi is speechless..~

"Alright alright �� how about I take out the cow?"

"Oh good! .. and the flying monkeys!"

"Take out the Flying Monkeys TOO??????? You�ll ruin the whole thing!"

"Michelle ��"

"It isn�t even interesting without the flying monkeys!"

"'Interesting' isn�t exactly how I�d characterize it."

"You�re just no fun anymore, judi! Just forget the whole thing."

"Now, Michy �..It�s just that� well.. you know.. Cece is so � cultured� and .. refined.. I don�t think she�d APPRECIATE it like � well� perhaps someone ELSE might."

"I know� It�s just that�it�s ruined without the cow AND the monkeys�."

"I know.. I�m sorry, really �."

"That�s o.k. I understand. Maybe I can use it some other time."

"Sure. Good idea. When?"

"When�s LU�S birthday?????????"

Michelle returned to her seat, sulking and muttering about the Resident Prude Old Lady. As if on cue, Lu frantically ran up. Judi tried to hide, but it was too late. Lu had spotted her.

"judi, I�m glad you�re here. I have a question�

Lu. Please. NO more QUESTIONS! Just.. ask manette,� Judi pleaded, popping two dry aspirins.

Oh.. o.k� but.. I still have a question for you.

Sigh.. what is it?

Well.. it�s just that I�m confused. I THOUGHT you wanted Manette and I to�..

AAAAIIIIIIGHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Gack! Nevermind! Nevermind! Sheesh. You know.. you really should check about that nervous problem of yours� And.. how many of those aspirins have you HAD today? Umm� Anyway� , I really DO have a question only you can answer.

Sigh.. O.k.. go ahead�

Why was this cow in my living room this morning?

Oh.. ummm�.

I found her there when I woke up!! There was a Dale Evans suit tied around it�s neck, and a note to show up here for Cece�s BD ceremoany. I don�t suppose YOU know anything about that, do you?"

"That�s what I thought. Sigh� Judi.. Can you even comprehend the MESS it made in my living room? There�s not enough cat litter in the Universe to handle something like that. And speaking of cats, mine�s going to need therapy BIG TIME after Princess Poo here played cat box bingo this a.m.!!"

"Uhh.. her name is Princess Moo.." judi said helpfully.

"WHATEVER! Oh.. and just in case you don�t know this already.. I am NOT putting that outfit on." Lu crossed her arms stubbornly.

"But Luoodles!" judi said slyly. "Haven�t your heard? HARM is going to be a cowBOY! And you can be his cowGIRL!"

"What? Are you sure?" asked Lu, instantly becoming more interested.

"Oh absolutely. Now.. I�ve heard that you used to be QUITE the rider in your day! Why don�t you show off some of your stuff from the back of your trusty steed, �Princess Moo.�

"Trusty steed 'Moo'??? The COW?! Oh.. You�ve got to be kidding me. I�m not riding that thing!"

"But Lu! Remember your youth? You know� YEEE HAAWWW and all that. PLUS, you�ll have plenty of time to do all SORTS of tricks. Look how SLOW she moves. It�ll be perfect! And as your last trick you can LEAP from the cow�s back into the waiting arms of Harmkins. Then you and he can ride off into the sunset together! Whatdaya say?!" judi knew how to play Lu like a fiddle.

http://www.wtv-zone.com/harmandmac/shipperlist/anicons/Crazy.gif'�

[ Edit | View ]
asdfas -- asdf, 22:06:30 05/12/03 Mon
May10 version

Harm looked at the invitation in his hand as he entered the Harmyville Memorial Theatre. He had been invited to a special Talent Show in honor of Cecilia's Birthday. He was used to spending birthday's with the HB women and while he KNEW first hand that they were a talented bunch�It wasn't exactly the kind of talent that belonged on a stage�

Warily, he walked into the theater and was amazed at all the vendor booths that filled the lobby. He noticed:

Cindy B's Legs
�frantic women were crowded around the booth buying the precious legs as fast as a frazzled Cindy B could sew and stuff them.

Crossy's Party Palz
- he blushed at some of the memories those brought back and hurried past before anyone noticed him.

manette's Meat Tray and Plaster Palace
- aaaahhhh good times, he sighed on his way past the bustling crowd.

He hurried into the darkened auditorium, wanting to get a good seat and he found one waiting for him right beside the birthday girl, Cecilia. Grabbing her hand he settled in to wait for the show to begin. This should be different�

Suddenly a spotlight hit the stage, a hush fell over the murmuring crowd, and judi walked out from behind the curtain. She approached the microphone�"In honor of Cecilia's birthday, I would like to welcome you all to the first annual Harmyhoard Board Talent Show!"

~Thunderous applause �Stamping feet�WOOOO HOOOOO~

"For our first act I give you the Harmyboard Chorus!!!"

The curtain opened to reveal a mob of motley women�some with bags over their heads standing on risers. Old Spice stepped forward and waved to the crowd, then turned and raised her hands to lead the group in song. "We love you HARMY�Oh yes we DOOO."

Out in the audience Cece leaned over to Harm and whispered�I see Jbird,CQ, Spud, Claudia, Emjay, Techie and Ashke, but I don't recognize some of those other women do you?"

Harm, who was a master at juggling lots of women told her quickly and quietly so as not to interfere with the performance, "That is jersey girl, Rita B, Araninda, Vivienne, Lindy S, Aims, Carmy, Carol D, Caroll, Alicia, LRM. Aerogirl," he paused to take a deep breath. "Jaggar, Kathy, kay, Bookworm Girl, Josie, docphil, Brenda, Gracie, Amanda Adams, Dragon, Scotty, DJEgirl, Sarah S, Katerina, Beth, andie, sydney possem Shipper Mom, Erin and Rachel�"

"WE love you HARMY and we'll be TRUUE."

"Wow, Harm- you really know your Harmyboarders, but who are the ones with the bags over their heads?" Cece asked as she batted her eyes at Harm coyly.

"Oh, those are the lurkers," Harm said with a grin. Suddenly his beeper went off . He read the message and said, "Excuse me, Cece. It seems I am needed backstage�.but I'll be back, my little birthday girl.." He ran his thumb across her cheek�as he was won't to do�and disappeared. On stage the choir was finishing their number.

"When you're not with us �WE"RE BLUE!!!!! Oh Harmy- WE love YOU!!!! Oh and Happy Birthday to Cece�and many mooooooore"!!!

Old Spice and the choir took a bow then ran off the stage.

Meanwhile backstage Michelle was excitedly speaking with Judi."So, Michy --- where�s your entry for Cece�s birthday talent show? We�re about to go on!"

�Here ya go, Judi!� Michelle grinned shoving a script in her hands.

~as judi reads an increasing look of horror appears on her face!~

"MICHELLE!!!!"

What?

"I can�t let you do THIS!"

"Why not?"

"It�s �..it�s ��"

"What?"

"Disgusting!"

"It is not! What do you mean? Where? I am� well.. I am just HIGHLY offended.. and.. and.. SURPRISED! You WOUND me, Judi!"

"Come on, Michelle! You & Harm � O.K. Even you in the cowgirl outfit and Harm in just the chaps � O.K. But the COW? Why, VOY would shut down our ceremoany.. not to mention my Board!"

"Oh, you�re just being a prude!" Michelle was incensed.

"I am not!"

"Oh yes you are! And here I thought it was YOU who put the �D� in RDOL! HA! You�re a big fraud!"

~Judi is speechless..~

"Alright alright �� how about I take out the cow?"

"Oh good! .. and the flying monkeys!"

"Take out the Flying Monkeys TOO??????? You�ll ruin the whole thing!"

"Michelle ��"

"It isn�t even interesting without the flying monkeys!"

"'Interesting' isn�t exactly how I�d characterize it."

"You�re just no fun anymore, judi! Just forget the whole thing."

"Now, Michy �..It�s just that� well.. you know.. Cece is so � cultured� and .. refined.. I don�t think she�d APPRECIATE it like � well� perhaps someone ELSE might."

"I know� It�s just that�it�s ruined without the cow AND the monkeys�."

"I know.. I�m sorry, really �."

"That�s o.k. I understand. Maybe I can use it some other time."

"Sure. Good idea. When?"

"When�s LU�S birthday?????????"

Michelle returned to her seat, sulking and muttering about the Resident Prude Old Lady. As if on cue, Lu frantically ran up. Judi tried to hide, but it was too late. Lu had spotted her.

"judi, I�m glad you�re here. I have a question�

Lu. Please. NO more QUESTIONS! Just.. ask manette,� Judi pleaded, popping two dry aspirins.

Oh.. o.k� but.. I still have a question for you.

Sigh.. what is it?

Well.. it�s just that I�m confused. I THOUGHT you wanted Manette and I to�..

AAAAIIIIIIGHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Gack! Nevermind! Nevermind! Sheesh. You know.. you really should check about that nervous problem of yours� And.. how many of those aspirins have you HAD today? Umm� Anyway� , I really DO have a question only you can answer.

Sigh.. O.k.. go ahead�

Why was this cow in my living room this morning?

Oh.. ummm�.

I found her there when I woke up!! There was a Dale Evans suit tied around it�s neck, and a note to show up here for Cece�s BD ceremoany. I don�t suppose YOU know anything about that, do you?"

"That�s what I thought. Sigh� Judi.. Can you even comprehend the MESS it made in my living room? There�s not enough cat litter in the Universe to handle something like that. And speaking of cats, mine�s going to need therapy BIG TIME after Princess Poo here played cat box bingo this a.m.!!"

"Uhh.. her name is Princess Moo.." judi said helpfully.

"WHATEVER! Oh.. and just in case you don�t know this already.. I am NOT putting that outfit on." Lu crossed her arms stubbornly.

"But Luoodles!" judi said slyly. "Haven�t your heard? HARM is going to be a cowBOY! And you can be his cowGIRL!"

"What? Are you sure?" asked Lu, instantly becoming more interested.

"Oh absolutely. Now.. I�ve heard that you used to be QUITE the rider in your day! Why don�t you show off some of your stuff from the back of your trusty steed, �Princess Moo.�

"Trusty steed 'Moo'??? The COW?! Oh.. You�ve got to be kidding me. I�m not riding that thing!"

"But Lu! Remember your youth? You know� YEEE HAAWWW and all that. PLUS, you�ll have plenty of time to do all SORTS of tricks. Look how SLOW she moves. It�ll be perfect! And as your last trick you can LEAP from the cow�s back into the waiting arms of Harmkins. Then you and he can ride off into the sunset together! Whatdaya say?!" judi knew how to play Lu like a fiddle.

"I say saddle up that DOGGIE!" Lu screamed as she stripped and threw on the COWgirl outfit. ~screams were heard in the background as several stage hands staggered off, blinded by the fishbelly whiteness of bare Lu.~

"Let's here it for the chorus," judi said as she walked back out on stage, removing her sunglasses. "For our next act we have a special treat! Our very own Lu is going to amaze us with trick riding! May I present Luoodles and Princess Moo!!"

The curtain rose and a hush fell over the audience as a cow began to plod across the stage chewing its cud, it's bell clanging.

Michelle looked up in disbelief. Leaping to her feet she began screaming, �That�s MY cow! That woman STOLE my COW!!!� Two security guards discreetly drug her from the audience as judi popped two more Excedrin and a valium for good measure.

Oblivious of Michy�s disturbance Luoodles waved to the crowd and then stood up on the cow's back, wobbling on one foot as it meandered across the stage. Encouraged by the wide eyed wonder of the crowd she dropped down into the saddle once before lifting herself up on her arms and swinging her legs in mighty circles as the cow looked back at her disinterestedly. Deciding for a big finish, she balanced herself on her head and was halfway up into a headstand when Harmkins rode up on his Mighty Stallion. The crowd went wild at the sight of Harmipoo. Cameras flashed all over the auditorium, startling Miss Moo who abruptly went nuts, galloping around the stage in a mad, desperate attempt to escape the blinding lights. Finally it leapt from the stage and went bawling down the aisle and out onto the street, Lu wrapped around it�s neck like a bandana. The curtain came down on a startled Harm and his horse as judi hurried back out onto the stage.

"Don't worry folks, Lu is fine. Princess Moo spotted Michelle across the parking lot and made a beeline for her�~cough~...ANYWAY�for our next act we have �" judi stopped as a woman, looking kinda like Barbie on steroids, strode across the stage tugging along two little girls clad in �GO NAVY� jammies.

The woman, dressed in a thick, purple spa-type robe, had huge HUGE pink curlers in her thinning hair and some icky looking slime on her face. On her feet were these enormous furry Garfield slippers that scuffed as she walked. In her left hand she carried a massive boom box, like the kind that rappers carry.

�Oh, Harmmmmyyyy!� she sang out, a smile cracking through the junk on her face. �Where are you Harmykins?�

The girls held each other�s hand, with the younger one sucking her thumb and cuddling a blankie and an orange Tigger.

�Mommy�s at it again,� the older one whispered into her sister�s ear, �I can�t believe she�s making us help too.�

The younger one pulled her thumb out of her mouth just long enough to ask her sister, �Is she still sweepin?� then immediately stuck her thumb back into place as she hung onto her Tigger for dear life.

�Yup. She�s sleeping,� the older one said, adding, �I hope she doesn�t sing this time!�

The younger one shuddered and grabbed hold of her sister�s arm crying, �I wanna go home! Where�s Daddy?�

�I dunno,� the older girl said, shrugging her shoulders, �I heard Mommy say something about a closet.�

Amidst the throng of women sat Pretz and CatMom, noticing immediately through the gunk on the woman�s face, that it was CharS.

�Oh . . . My. . . GOSH!� gasped Pretz, �She�s sleepwalking again! And she�s brought the kids this time!�

�THIS could get ugly. Where's Sarahsue? We're gonna need her help,� CatMom whispered.

�Ugly? THAT�s an unders�

[ Edit | View ]
asdfa -- asdf, 22:01:14 05/12/03 Mon
May10 version

Harm looked at the invitation in his hand as he entered the Harmyville Memorial Theatre. He had been invited to a special Talent Show in honor of Cecilia's Birthday. He was used to spending birthday's with the HB women and while he KNEW first hand that they were a talented bunch—It wasn't exactly the kind of talent that belonged on a stage…

Warily, he walked into the theater and was amazed at all the vendor booths that filled the lobby. He noticed:

Cindy B's Legs
—frantic women were crowded around the booth buying the precious legs as fast as a frazzled Cindy B could sew and stuff them.

Crossy's Party Palz
- he blushed at some of the memories those brought back and hurried past before anyone noticed him.

manette's Meat Tray and Plaster Palace
- aaaahhhh good times, he sighed on his way past the bustling crowd.

He hurried into the darkened auditorium, wanting to get a good seat and he found one waiting for him right beside the birthday girl, Cecilia. Grabbing her hand he settled in to wait for the show to begin. This should be different…

Suddenly a spotlight hit the stage, a hush fell over the murmuring crowd, and judi walked out from behind the curtain. She approached the microphone—"In honor of Cecilia's birthday, I would like to welcome you all to the first annual Harmyhoard Board Talent Show!"

~Thunderous applause –Stamping feet—WOOOO HOOOOO~

"For our first act I give you the Harmyboard Chorus!!!"

The curtain opened to reveal a mob of motley women—some with bags over their heads standing on risers. Old Spice stepped forward and waved to the crowd, then turned and raised her hands to lead the group in song. "We love you HARMY…Oh yes we DOOO."

Out in the audience Cece leaned over to Harm and whispered—I see Jbird,CQ, Spud, Claudia, Emjay, Techie and Ashke, but I don't recognize some of those other women do you?"

Harm, who was a master at juggling lots of women told her quickly and quietly so as not to interfere with the performance, "That is jersey girl, Rita B, Araninda, Vivienne, Lindy S, Aims, Carmy, Carol D, Caroll, Alicia, LRM. Aerogirl," he paused to take a deep breath. "Jaggar, Kathy, kay, Bookworm Girl, Josie, docphil, Brenda, Gracie, Amanda Adams, Dragon, Scotty, DJEgirl, Sarah S, Katerina, Beth, andie, sydney possem Shipper Mom, Erin and Rachel…"

"WE love you HARMY and we'll be TRUUE."

"Wow, Harm- you really know your Harmyboarders, but who are the ones with the bags over their heads?" Cece asked as she batted her eyes at Harm coyly.

"Oh, those are the lurkers," Harm said with a grin. Suddenly his beeper went off . He read the message and said, "Excuse me, Cece. It seems I am needed backstage….but I'll be back, my little birthday girl.." He ran his thumb across her cheek—as he was won't to do—and disappeared. On stage the choir was finishing their number.

"When you're not with us –WE"RE BLUE!!!!! Oh Harmy- WE love YOU!!!! Oh and Happy Birthday to Cece…and many mooooooore"!!!

Old Spice and the choir took a bow then ran off the stage.

Meanwhile backstage Michelle was excitedly speaking with Judi."So, Michy --- where’s your entry for Cece’s birthday talent show? We’re about to go on!"

“Here ya go, Judi!” Michelle grinned shoving a script in her hands.

~as judi reads an increasing look of horror appears on her face!~

"MICHELLE!!!!"

What?

"I can’t let you do THIS!"

"Why not?"

"It’s …..it’s ……"

"What?"

"Disgusting!"

"It is not! What do you mean? Where? I am… well.. I am just HIGHLY offended.. and.. and.. SURPRISED! You WOUND me, Judi!"

"Come on, Michelle! You & Harm – O.K. Even you in the cowgirl outfit and Harm in just the chaps – O.K. But the COW? Why, VOY would shut down our ceremoany.. not to mention my Board!"

"Oh, you’re just being a prude!" Michelle was incensed.

"I am not!"

"Oh yes you are! And here I thought it was YOU who put the “D” in RDOL! HA! You’re a big fraud!"

~Judi is speechless..~

"Alright alright …… how about I take out the cow?"

"Oh good! .. and the flying monkeys!"

"Take out the Flying Monkeys TOO??????? You’ll ruin the whole thing!"

"Michelle ……"

"It isn’t even interesting without the flying monkeys!"

"'Interesting' isn’t exactly how I’d characterize it."

"You’re just no fun anymore, judi! Just forget the whole thing."

"Now, Michy …..It’s just that… well.. you know.. Cece is so … cultured… and .. refined.. I don’t think she’d APPRECIATE it like … well… perhaps someone ELSE might."

"I know… It’s just that…it’s ruined without the cow AND the monkeys…."

"I know.. I’m sorry, really …."

"That’s o.k. I understand. Maybe I can use it some other time."

"Sure. Good idea. When?"

"When’s LU’S birthday?????????"

Michelle returned to her seat, sulking and muttering about the Resident Prude Old Lady. As if on cue, Lu frantically ran up. Judi tried to hide, but it was too late. Lu had spotted her.

"judi, I’m glad you’re here. I have a question…

Lu. Please. NO more QUESTIONS! Just.. ask manette,” Judi pleaded, popping two dry aspirins.

Oh.. o.k… but.. I still have a question for you.

Sigh.. what is it?

Well.. it’s just that I’m confused. I THOUGHT you wanted Manette and I to…..

AAAAIIIIIIGHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Gack! Nevermind! Nevermind! Sheesh. You know.. you really should check about that nervous problem of yours… And.. how many of those aspirins have you HAD today? Umm… Anyway… , I really DO have a question only you can answer.

Sigh.. O.k.. go ahead…

Why was this cow in my living room this morning?

Oh.. ummm….

I found her there when I woke up!! There was a Dale Evans suit tied around it’s neck, and a note to show up here for Cece’s BD ceremoany. I don’t suppose YOU know anything about that, do you?"

"That’s what I thought. Sigh… Judi.. Can you even comprehend the MESS it made in my living room? There’s not enough cat litter in the Universe to handle something like that. And speaking of cats, mine’s going to need therapy BIG TIME after Princess Poo here played cat box bingo this a.m.!!"

"Uhh.. her name is Princess Moo.." judi said helpfully.

"WHATEVER! Oh.. and just in case you don’t know this already.. I am NOT putting that outfit on." Lu crossed her arms stubbornly.

"But Luoodles!" judi said slyly. "Haven’t your heard? HARM is going to be a cowBOY! And you can be his cowGIRL!"

"What? Are you sure?" asked Lu, instantly becoming more interested.

"Oh absolutely. Now.. I’ve heard that you used to be QUITE the rider in your day! Why don’t you show off some of your stuff from the back of your trusty steed, “Princess Moo.”

"Trusty steed 'Moo'??? The COW?! Oh.. You’ve got to be kidding me. I’m not riding that thing!"

"But Lu! Remember your youth? You know… YEEE HAAWWW and all that. PLUS, you’ll have plenty of time to do all SORTS of tricks. Look how SLOW she moves. It’ll be perfect! And as your last trick you can LEAP from the cow’s back into the waiting arms of Harmkins. Then you and he can ride off into the sunset together! Whatdaya say?!" judi knew how to play Lu like a fiddle.

"I say saddle up that DOGGIE!" Lu screamed as she stripped and threw on the COWgirl outfit. ~screams were heard in the background as several stage hands staggered off, blinded by the fishbelly whiteness of bare Lu.~

"Let's here it for the chorus," judi said as she walked back out on stage, removing her sunglasses. "For our next act we have a special treat! Our very own Lu is going to amaze us with trick riding! May I present Luoodles and Princess Moo!!"

The curtain rose and a hush fell over the audience as a cow began to plod across the stage chewing its cud, it's bell clanging.

Michelle looked up in disbelief. Leaping to her feet she began screaming, “That’s MY cow! That woman STOLE my COW!!!” Two security guards discreetly drug her from the audience as judi popped two more Excedrin and a valium for good measure.

Oblivious of Michy’s disturbance Luoodles waved to the crowd and then stood up on the cow's back, wobbling on one foot as it meandered across the stage. Encouraged by the wide eyed wonder of the crowd she dropped down into the saddle once before lifting herself up on her arms and swinging her legs in mighty circles as the cow looked back at her disinterestedly. Deciding for a big finish, she balanced herself on her head and was halfway up into a headstand when Harmkins rode up on his Mighty Stallion. The crowd went wild at the sight of Harmipoo. Cameras flashed all over the auditorium, startling Miss Moo who abruptly went nuts, galloping around the stage in a mad, desperate attempt to escape the blinding lights. Finally it leapt from the stage and went bawling down the aisle and out onto the street, Lu wrapped around it’s neck like a bandana. The curtain came down on a startled Harm and his horse as judi hurried back out onto the stage.

"Don't worry folks, Lu is fine. Princess Moo spotted Michelle across the parking lot and made a beeline for her…~cough~...ANYWAY…for our next act we have …" judi stopped as a woman, looking kinda like Barbie on steroids, strode across the stage tugging along two little girls clad in “GO NAVY” jammies.

The woman, dressed in a thick, purple spa-type robe, had huge HUGE pink curlers in her thinning hair and some icky looking slime on her face. On her feet were these enormous furry Garfield slippers that scuffed as she walked. In her left hand she carried a massive boom box, like the kind that rappers carry.

“Oh, Harmmmmyyyy!” she sang out, a smile cracking through the junk on her face. “Where are you Harmykins?”

The girls held each other’s hand, with the younger one sucking her thumb and cuddling a blankie and an orange Tigger.

“Mommy’s at it again,” the older one whispered into her sister’s ear, “I can’t believe she’s making us help too.”

The younger one pulled her thumb out of her mouth just long enough to ask her sister, “Is she still sweepin?” then immediately stuck her thumb back into place as she hung onto her Tigger for dear life.

“Yup. She’s sleeping,” the older one said, adding, “I hope she doesn’t sing this time!”

The younger one shuddered and grabbed hold of her sister’s arm crying, “I wanna go home! Where’s Daddy?”

“I dunno,” the older girl said, shrugging her shoulders, “I heard Mommy say something about a closet.”

Amidst the throng of women sat Pretz and CatMom, noticing immediately through the gunk on the woman’s face, that it was CharS.

“Oh . . . My. . . GOSH!” gasped Pretz, “She’s sleepwalking again! And she’s brought the kids this time!”

“THIS could get ugly. Where's Sarahsue? We're gonna need her help,” CatMom whispered.

“Ugly? THAT’s an understatement! I'll go find her. I think she was Lu' s stunt double for the cow act.” Pretz gasped as she hurried away and tried to shield her eyes from the bizarre scene unfolding on the stage in front of the crowd.

CatMom whipped out a cell phone and dialed the local psych ward, “Um, Doctor? We’ve got a problem. You better get your tushy here pronto! Yup, she’s at it again, and bring the stun gun this time!”

Meanwhile up on the stage, CharS had set the boom box down and tugged the hands of her two little girls, bringing them into the center of the stage. She tapped the microphone, causing it to squeal as she shouted into it, “IS THIS THING ON???”

The crowd covered their ears and cringed at the horrendous noise. CatMom tried to sneak backstage, knowing what the crowd was in store for.

“Mememememe!!!!!!!” CharS sung into the mic, then clearing her throat with a loud GACK! She turned around and whispered something to the older child. The girl gingerly stepped forward and set the boom box down at her mother’s feet and then quickly retreated to where her sister stood. Both girls stuck their fingers in their ears and squeezed their eyes shut, trembling.

Cece sat there shocked at what she was seeing. She whispered to Harm, who had returned to his seat and was still wearing his Cowboy outfit much to her delight, “Um, is this part of the show?”

All Harm could do was shake his head no, afraid to open his mouth for fear that the scream building up inside him would let loose!

CharS bent over and pressed play on the box, her bosom nearly tumbling out of nightshirt she wore under the robe, causing the crowd to gasp in horror. She then stood up and grasped the microphone. Pointing out into the audience with her right hand as the music began to swell, she cried out in a loud screeching voice,

“Harmykins, this one’s for you!!!!!!”

She closed her eyes and put her mouth up to the microphone and began to sing—grossly out of tune. Actually, her singing was a lot like fingernails on a chalkboard.

“Soooo many nights. . . . I sit by my window . . . . waiting for someone . . . .”

Somewhere in the back of the auditorium a scream filled the air. As the crowd turned around to see what the commotion was, they saw Dancer and Heather running from the room, covering their ears.

Suddenly, to the right of the stage CatMom, Pretz and Sarahsue appeared with wads of cotton sticking out of their ears. A doctor followed closely behind, a huge stun gun crackling in his left hand and a syringe in his right.

Judi tried to quiet the murmuring crowd as they watched Char being lead away, "It's ok folks--she won't remember any of this when she wakes up!! As I was saying--for our next act we have two lovely sisters who wanted to do something culturally uplifting in honor of our Champion of Culture Cece—so without further ado—I give you Mag and Mary performing a ballet they choreographed themselves—Oh-- just a minute.. I’ve just received word they’re not QUITE ready yet—Umm-- Let me check on them. Be right back, Ladies and Gents.

judi stepped back behind curtain to find Mag and Mary in a heated debate…

"Look, Mary.. There are two sets of tights but only ONE tutu. I get the tutu."
"Oh no you don’t. I’M not being the guy! YOU be the guy."
"I’m not going to be the guy. How embarrassing. YOU be the guy."
"Look. I’m not ABOUT to heft YOU over MY head. YOU be the guy!"
"Are you insinuating I weigh more then you?"
"Look.. I just know what I saw at Easter.. All those empty bags of candy ….”
"What?!"
"I can still smell the chocolate on your breath!"
"Gasp! You can not!"
"Almond Joys!"
"I didn’t TOUCH them"
"Right…. Oh look! Was that a shock tremor in my water glass? Do another plie so I can check".
"Gasp!.... You.. you... BRAT! You were ALWAYS mother’s FAVORITE! … SLAP!"
"OW! Hey! SLAP!"

~Suddenly both women fall thru curtain, unaware that they were now on stage…. ~

"Ow! YANK!"
"My HAIR! WITCH!"
"Oooff!"
"Gack!"

judi rolled her eyes, pulled a handle and they both fell through the stage trap door—

Cece turned to apologize to Harm for the outlandish behavior of the two women but he was standing up applauding with gusto. "Nothing like a good cat fight!!" he said as he sat back down beside her. His beeper went off again and before she knew it he had disappeared backstage once more.

As soon as he got backstage manette started chasing Harm around in circles. judi hurried over to see what the commotion was about.

" JUUUDI—Harm won't let me see his BALLS!!! I keep asking him but he's scared." judi looked at manette like she had lost her mind as Harm hurried to cower behind the RDOL. "I keep telling him that I am just going to JUGGLE them with my feet. I can BOUNCE them from my feet to my thighs off my chest and back down to my feet without ever letting them HIT the ground." manette said proudly. "I'm VERY good!! I've had years of practice and I hardly EVER step on them anymore, except when I'm getting started—then I step on a BALL, ROLL it with my foot so that I can FLIP it into the air! I've only SQUASHED two BALLS in the last few days. I even have a trick where I can KICK his BALLS in the air and catch them on the back of my neck and then BOUNCE them back off and CATCH them on my foot again. I mean I could use someone else's BALLS, but since it is Cece's birthday I thought it would be really SPECIAL if I could juggle HARM'S BALLS for her…." He whimpered from behind judi as manette walked over to him and then reached past him and grabbed a soccer ball out of the bag that was sitting on the ground beside him…."I never realized you were such a BABY, Harm!!" manette said as she stomped off in a huff. "So much for the big brave pilot--."

Harm hid behind judi until she had disappeared. "It's ok, Harm. She's gone—you're safe. Now listen, get ready to help Abby with her act—Oh and would you mind grabbing her chain saw on your way onstage?" judi didn't notice his horrified expression as she patted his cheek and hurried out to introduce the next act…The natives were getting restless.

"I give you Abby and her wonderful world of ice sculpture!!"

Abby walked out onto stage dragging a huge hunk of ice behind her. She waved to the crowd and announced—"In honor of Cece's birthday I will now carve an ice sculpture of our very own Harm!! And as a special surprise he has agreed to model for us!!!!"

All of the women in the audience gasped as he stepped out on stage. He was wearing nothing but boxers and a game smile as he handed Abby her chain saw. She revved it up and ice started flying everywhere. The women oohed and ahhed and then started fanning themselves ferociously. The combined power surge of hundreds of female hot flashes soon had the temperature soaring to 110 degrees. Sweat started pouring off of bare chested Harm and the women were swooning at the sight. Abby carved away at the dwindling hunk of ice trying to capture Harmy in all his glory, but soon…. a lonely lump of ice was all that remained unmelted…Desperate to save her act she was suddenly struck by inspiration. She turned to face the audience with a flourish and said, "Ladies—I give you—Harmo Erectus!!!" Thunderous applause erupted even as harmo melted and dripped off the table. Sweaty but bewildered, Harm waved to the hot happy crowd and disappeared backstage.

Judi walked on to the stage and said, "This next act is very special, because one of our very reluctant posters has made a special request. Lauri wants to recite a poem just for Cece."

Lauri walked shyly out onto stage—she walked over to the microphone and dug one toe into the ground as she said demurely…..

"Trees” by Joyce Kilmer as recited by Lauri—, Cece!

I think that I shall never see
A poem as lovely as a tre…She suddenly spied Harm who had just retaken his seat beside Cecilia...HARM!!!!

She launched herself off the stage landing in his lap as she continued to recite the poem--

A HARM whose hungry mouth is pressed
Against my sweet and flowing breast

"Lauri—behave yourself!!" Cece tried to pull the woman off of Harm's lap.

A HARM that looks at me all day
And lifts his beefy arms to pick me up and carry me away!!!!!

A HARM that may in Summer wear
His whites or boxers—I don't care

Lauri locked her arms around Harm's neck and held on for dear life.

Upon my bosom he has lain
And licked me like a candy cane

HARM was made for fools like me
And Cece can't have him even if it is her birthday—So get away, you hussy!!!!

Cece, not being one to resort to physical violence, began to pout. "It's my birthday, Harmy…Do something!!"

Harm reached over and ran a thumb across Cece's check- as he was won't to do- then he stood up with Lauri still attached and assured Cecilia that he would be right back.

Meanwhile judi had been dealing with another problem backstage. She had come upon Crossy all upset, sitting in the middle of some really big top hats. "What's going on?"

"Oh, judi-- I don't know WHAT to do. I had Tiner, AJ, Gunny, Webb, Bud and Sturgis all lined up to do the Navel Whistler act and they heard manette was KICKING people in the balls, and they all ran out of here screaming. I don't have TIME to find replacements."

"We'll just have to fill in for them—no one will know the difference—the hats will cover their faces." Judi decided. "Go grab Cathy F, Brigette, Matou, Cindy B and Spud—tell them to get in here on the double."

"All right girls"—she told them when they gathered around. "We HAVE to pitch in and SAVE the show for Cece's sake. See these big hats? Well stick your arms up inside them and pull them over your heads—See they have peepholes. Then we will draw lips around your belly buttons and a nose on your stomach and eyes on your chest and you will look like you are whistling! It will be great—All you have to do is stand there and wiggle a little bit."

"judi—there is only one problem. When men do this, you draw the eyes on their chests" Cathy F said patiently.

"So?" judi was struggling to put a hat on a squirming Cindy B.

"Well, we have boobies—No one is drawing eyeballs on my boobies!!!" Spud crossed both arms across her chest protectively.

"Harm can draw on my boobies!" Crossy declared excitedly

"The googly-eyed Navel Whistlers—"added Brigitte jiggling as she jumped up and down.

"No way—We'll look like the saggy, bug eyed Navel Whistlers!!" Matou yelled.

"Ok," judi said quickly. "Start getting ready. I'll think of something." She ran off to the handy wardrobe room and came back and threw something at the women. "Put these on and I will stall for time with my act while you are getting ready—just give me a signal when you're ready."

Judi ran out on stage and said nervously—"Well there has been another short delay—
BUT—I wanted to do something special for Cece's birthday too and since I'm not creative like the rest of you. I thought I'd do the only thing I know how to do – code!!!

We will start with Computer Programming Lesson 69. Ok, I skipped 1 through 68, so sue me!
Now down to business. In honor of my protégé, Cece, we are going to learn how to write a simple computer program. Now what you must understand is that Cece didn’t know much about how computers work when we met and well, I knew nothing about real English. Now every other word out of my mouth is bugger and she's talking bits, bytes and nibbles –

But she recently had a setback. Don’t ask her about the time she thought her computer died and she called me all the way from Vancouver and I told her to check the plug. Cor Blimey Governor! it worked !!! LOL Boy was she cheesed off that it was just the bloody plug. Sod it!!! But in reality it was – FM. That’s a technical term which means - fine magic. (I bet Michelle and Techie know this one.)

We are going to write the program in pseudocode. Pseudocode is an outting (bugger all!) outline of a program written in a form that can easily be converted into real programming statements So the computer can’t read this but y’all will understand it. So here goes:

All programs have variables defanged (oh blimey, I mistyped) defined. Variables are vultures (sod it, that's not right) values that can change depending on conditions. This is the mean (I can't bloody well type) main part of the program. If you branch to a function, when the function is finished, you return to main. So let us first define a variable called HarmsClothes.

Main
Define HarmsClothes as text

** Now we’ll use HarmsClothes in an IF THEN statement. This gives choices to the user. Forever instance:

IF HarmsClothes = DressWhites
THEN GOTO Em_Jay
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = Boxers
THEN GOTO Shell
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = NULL
THEN GOTO Trish OR Abby
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = Shorts
THEN GOTO RDOL
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = chocolate
THEN GOTO CatMom OR CQ
IF HarmsClothes = TrenchCoat
THEN GOTO Cece
ELSE
GOTO AllHarmyBoarders ** If all condi fails, then take a donnybrook at the HarmyBoard
END IF

End Main *** Bugger off

Each of the GOTOs tell you to go to a particular FUNCTION. So in the case of Cece, it will go to a function called Cece. Also, in this function, you will learn about loops. That's where the same action repeats itself for however long you tell it to, using i as the counter. Remember that when you enter the function that HarmsClothes means TrenchCoat.

Cece
DEFINE BritTart AS TYPE CanadianHussy
DEFINE Nookie AS TYPE HotMonkeySex
DEFINE Harm AS TYPE Stud

FOR i = 1 to 100 ** This action will be performed 100 times.
HarmsClothes = null ** I have changed HarmsClothes to nothing
MOVE Harm to BritTart
Nookie = Harm + BritTart
NEXT i ** add 1 to i
Loop
END FUNCTION ** Return to main part of the program

Also, you've got to be careful of an endless loop. That's where i never gets to 100 and the loop goes on forever which I'm sure what Cece would prefer. LOL Of course, Harm would be gobsmacked that Cec can keep up with him.

So now y'all have your computer lesson and if you understood any of this, you are now a certifiable HarmyNerd or a BarmyHarmy. Oh BTW, to be a programmer, you must drink coffee and lots of it. Some can get away with spot of tea or coke, but not many. If someone bothers you while you're getting your caffeine fix, tell them to put a sock in it! Thank you and I hope you have learned a lot!"
audience was transfixed, not that they understood a word judi was saying, but with that crowd if you used the word Harm, no clothes, nookie and Hot Monkey Sex you could keep their attention for hours.

Suddenly judi got the signal from off stage that the Whistlers were ready to take their places. "Ok ladies- it is now time for our next act."

The curtain opened to reveal the women wearing giant top hats covering their faces, black sports bras over their boobs and red lipstick on their navels. They marched and wiggled to the tune of The Bridge on the River as judi announced, "I give you the blindfolded Navel Whistlers!!"

Cece was still pouting, while she watched the whistlers, but she cheered up when Harm returned sans Lauri. He settled in beside her and took her hand once more.

The whistlers were onstage whistling while backstage Mz. Bob, Trish, judi, Shell, Tracy, manette and the visiting honorary Texas Tart CB, dressed in sequined dresses and impossibly high heels, were talking all at once. They were not happy.

"A kick line?!" Tracy grumbled.

"We can’t do a kick line! I can't even walk in these shoes-- " Shell moaned as she wobbled around in small circles.

"Who’s idea WAS this anyway?” snapped Scotty, as she quickly put the bag back over her head.

“Can’t we do something ELSE?" everyone wailed.

~All eyes turned to judi.~

"Like WHAT? Tell me what talent anyone here has!" judi asked pointedly.

Trish frantically waved her hand in air, "OOOO!!!! OOOOO!!!!"

"That we won’t be arrested for!" judi said as she put her hands on her hips.

"Ohhh—ummm--never mind," Trish mumbled.

"Exactly. Now shut up and get… WHAT is that SMELL??!!! Oh gee… MZ Bob! Are you wearing Ben Gay? Ladies.. sigh.. we are TRYING to exude YOUTHFUL exuberance! Now get with the PROGRAM! Somebody raise the curtain! Ready?! And…."

"WAIT!!!!"

"What? NOW?!!! Hold the curtain! Sigh.. What is it, Shell?"

"Where’s Harm? Judi, YOU said Harm would be here. YOU said …"

"He’s in the audience."

"He’s in the audience? WHERE?"

The curtain went up as the sound of CanCan music filled the hall.

"We’re on! Go! Go! Go! One… Two… Three.. KICK!"

"Where’s Harm? Pant! Pant! KICK! Tracy! Do you see him? Two.. three.. KICK!"

"OW!!! Hey! Watch it, CB! Three.. KICK!"

"My eye! My eye! KICK! Where’s Harm? Two.. three… I don’t see him. KICK! Mz. Bob! Can you see Har…KICK! Owwwww…."

Oh.. I think I HURT myself…. RIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!! Ut Oh .. there goes the Birthday banner. Two.. three… KICK! Shell’s not going to like that. She stayed up all night piecing this thing together…two.. three.. KICK!"

"Who cares.. Where’s HARM?!! "

"One .. two…. Oh man.. I’m getting tired… three KICK! Wait! I think I see him! Oh my GOSH! There he IS!!!! GEEEEETTTTT HIMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!"

With their arms still wrapped around each other's shoulders they rushed to the front of the stage toward Harmkins. Suddenly, simultaneous calf cramps did them in. They tripped over their high heels and started falling like dominoes. Soon they were just a tangled mass of moaning, groaning sequins.

judi crawled out from under the pile and watched them flop around like fish out of water. It was obvious that they couldn't get up so she pulled the lever on the trap door. The floor dropped out from under them, and they rolled out into the back parking lot.

The audience, thinking it was the big finale, stood and gave them an earth-shaking ovation as they disappeared from view.

The Texas Tarts scraped themselves off the concrete and looked around the back parking lot. It was filled with the tattered and torn Harmyboard acts—They were all tired but happy. They knew that they had given their all to honor Cece. The bruised and battered bunch looked up in time to see Harm as he carried Cece out of the theatre and dropped her into his corvette. It started with one lone voice but soon the Harmyville night was filled with song---and as the happy couple drove away they could hear---

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR CECE!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOOUU!"

[ Edit | View ]
adsf -- asdf, 15:36:59 05/12/03 Mon
May10 version

Harm looked at the invitation in his hand as he entered the Harmyville Memorial Theatre. He had been invited to a special Talent Show in honor of Cecilia's Birthday. He was used to spending birthday's with the HB women and while he KNEW first hand that they were a talented bunch�It wasn't exactly the kind of talent that belonged on a stage�

Warily, he walked into the theater and was amazed at all the vendor booths that filled the lobby. He noticed:

Cindy B's Legs
�frantic women were crowded around the booth buying the precious legs as fast as a frazzled Cindy B could sew and stuff them.

Crossy's Party Palz
- he blushed at some of the memories those brought back and hurried past before anyone noticed him.

manette's Meat Tray and Plaster Palace
- aaaahhhh good times, he sighed on his way past the bustling crowd.

He hurried into the darkened auditorium, wanting to get a good seat and he found one waiting for him right beside the birthday girl, Cecilia. Grabbing her hand he settled in to wait for the show to begin. This should be different�

Suddenly a spotlight hit the stage, a hush fell over the murmuring crowd, and judi walked out from behind the curtain. She approached the microphone�"In honor of Cecilia's birthday, I would like to welcome you all to the first annual Harmyhoard Board Talent Show!"

~Thunderous applause �Stamping feet�WOOOO HOOOOO~

"For our first act I give you the Harmyboard Chorus!!!"

The curtain opened to reveal a mob of motley women�some with bags over their heads standing on risers. Old Spice stepped forward and waved to the crowd, then turned and raised her hands to lead the group in song. "We love you HARMY�Oh yes we DOOO."

Out in the audience Cece leaned over to Harm and whispered�I see Jbird,CQ, Spud, Claudia, Emjay, Techie and Ashke, but I don't recognize some of those other women do you?"

Harm, who was a master at juggling lots of women told her quickly and quietly so as not to interfere with the performance, "That is jersey girl, Rita B, Araninda, Vivienne, Lindy S, Aims, Carmy, Carol D, Caroll, Alicia, LRM. Aerogirl," he paused to take a deep breath. "Jaggar, Kathy, kay, Bookworm Girl, Josie, docphil, Brenda, Gracie, Amanda Adams, Dragon, Scotty, DJEgirl, Sarah S, Katerina, Beth, andie, sydney possem Shipper Mom, Erin and Rachel�"

"WE love you HARMY and we'll be TRUUE."

"Wow, Harm- you really know your Harmyboarders, but who are the ones with the bags over their heads?" Cece asked as she batted her eyes at Harm coyly.

"Oh, those are the lurkers," Harm said with a grin. Suddenly his beeper went off . He read the message and said, "Excuse me, Cece. It seems I am needed backstage�.but I'll be back, my little birthday girl.." He ran his thumb across her cheek�as he was won't to do�and disappeared. On stage the choir was finishing their number.

"When you're not with us �WE"RE BLUE!!!!! Oh Harmy- WE love YOU!!!! Oh and Happy Birthday to Cece�and many mooooooore"!!!

Old Spice and the choir took a bow then ran off the stage.

Meanwhile backstage Michelle was excitedly speaking with Judi."So, Michy --- where�s your entry for Cece�s birthday talent show? We�re about to go on!"

�Here ya go, Judi!� Michelle grinned shoving a script in her hands.

~as judi reads an increasing look of horror appears on her face!~

"MICHELLE!!!!"

What?

"I can�t let you do THIS!"

"Why not?"

"It�s �..it�s ��"

"What?"

"Disgusting!"

"It is not! What do you mean? Where? I am� well.. I am just HIGHLY offended.. and.. and.. SURPRISED! You WOUND me, Judi!"

"Come on, Michelle! You & Harm � O.K. Even you in the cowgirl outfit and Harm in just the chaps � O.K. But the COW? Why, VOY would shut down our ceremoany.. not to mention my Board!"

"Oh, you�re just being a prude!" Michelle was incensed.

"I am not!"

"Oh yes you are! And here I thought it was YOU who put the �D� in RDOL! HA! You�re a big fraud!"

~Judi is speechless..~

"Alright alright �� how about I take out the cow?"

"Oh good! .. and the flying monkeys!"

"Take out the Flying Monkeys TOO??????? You�ll ruin the whole thing!"

"Michelle ��"

"It isn�t even interesting without the flying monkeys!"

"'Interesting' isn�t exactly how I�d characterize it."

"You�re just no fun anymore, judi! Just forget the whole thing."

"Now, Michy �..It�s just that� well.. you know.. Cece is so � cultured� and .. refined.. I don�t think she�d APPRECIATE it like � well� perhaps someone ELSE might."

"I know� It�s just that�it�s ruined without the cow AND the monkeys�."

"I know.. I�m sorry, really �."

"That�s o.k. I understand. Maybe I can use it some other time."

"Sure. Good idea. When?"

"When�s LU�S birthday?????????"

Michelle returned to her seat, sulking and muttering about the Resident Prude Old Lady. As if on cue, Lu frantically ran up. Judi tried to hide, but it was too late. Lu had spotted her.

"judi, I�m glad you�re here. I have a question�

Lu. Please. NO more QUESTIONS! Just.. ask manette,� Judi pleaded, popping two dry aspirins.

Oh.. o.k� but.. I still have a question for you.

Sigh.. what is it?

Well.. it�s just that I�m confused. I THOUGHT you wanted Manette and I to�..

AAIIIGHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Gack! Nevermind! Nevermind! Sheesh. You know.. you really should check about that nervous problem of yours� And.. how many of those aspirins have you HAD today? Umm� Anyway� , I really DO have a question only you can answer.

Sigh.. O.k.. go ahead�

Why was this cow in my living room this morning?

Oh.. ummm�.

I found her there when I woke up!! There was a Dale Evans suit tied around it�s neck, and a note to show up here for Cece�s BD ceremoany. I don�t suppose YOU know anything about that, do you?"

"That�s what I thought. Sigh� Judi.. Can you even comprehend the MESS it made in my living room? There�s not enough cat litter in the Universe to handle something like that. And speaking of cats, mine�s going to need therapy BIG TIME after Princess Poo here played cat box bingo this a.m.!!"

"Uhh.. her name is Princess Moo.." judi said helpfully.

"WHATEVER! Oh.. and just in case you don�t know this already.. I am NOT putting that outfit on." Lu crossed her arms stubbornly.

"But Luoodles!" judi said slyly. "Haven�t your heard? HARM is going to be a cowBOY! And you can be his cowGIRL!"

"What? Are you sure?" asked Lu, instantly becoming more interested.

"Oh absolutely. Now.. I�ve heard that you used to be QUITE the rider in your day! Why don�t you show off some of your stuff from the back of your trusty steed, �Princess Moo.�

"Trusty steed 'Moo'??? The COW?! Oh.. You�ve got to be kidding me. I�m not riding that thing!"

"But Lu! Remember your youth? You know� YEEE HAAWWW and all that. PLUS, you�ll have plenty of time to do all SORTS of tricks. Look how SLOW she moves. It�ll be perfect! And as your last trick you can LEAP from the cow�s back into the waiting arms of Harmkins. Then you and he can ride off into the sunset together! Whatdaya say?!" judi knew how to play Lu like a fiddle.

"I say saddle up that DOGGIE!" Lu screamed as she stripped and threw on the COWgirl outfit. ~screams were heard in the background as several stage hands staggered off, blinded by the fishbelly whiteness of bare Lu.~

"Let's here it for the chorus," judi said as she walked back out on stage, removing her sunglasses. "For our next act we have a special treat! Our very own Lu is going to amaze us with trick riding! May I present Luoodles and Princess Moo!!"

The curtain rose and a hush fell over the audience as a cow began to plod across the stage chewing its cud, it's bell clanging.

Michelle looked up in disbelief. Leaping to her feet she began screaming, �That�s MY cow! That woman STOLE my COW!!!� Two security guards discreetly drug her from the audience as judi popped two more Excedrin and a valium for good measure.

Oblivious of Michy�s disturbance Luoodles waved to the crowd and then stood up on the cow's back, wobbling on one foot as it meandered across the stage. Encouraged by the wide eyed wonder of the crowd she dropped down into the saddle once before lifting herself up on her arms and swinging her legs in mighty circles as the cow looked back at her disinterestedly. Deciding for a big finish, she balanced herself on her head and was halfway up into a headstand when Harmkins rode up on his Mighty Stallion. The crowd went wild at the sight of Harmipoo. Cameras flashed all over the auditorium, startling Miss Moo who abruptly went nuts, galloping around the stage in a mad, desperate attempt to escape the blinding lights. Finally it leapt from the stage and went bawling down the aisle and out onto the street, Lu wrapped around it�s neck like a bandana. The curtain came down on a startled Harm and his horse as judi hurried back out onto the stage.

"Don't worry folks, Lu is fine. Princess Moo spotted Michelle across the parking lot and made a beeline for her�~cough~...ANYWAY�for our next act we have �" judi stopped as a woman, looking kinda like Barbie on steroids, strode across the stage tugging along two little girls clad in �GO NAVY� jammies.

The woman, dressed in a thick, purple spa-type robe, had huge HUGE pink curlers in her thinning hair and some icky looking slime on her face. On her feet were these enormous furry Garfield slippers that scuffed as she walked. In her left hand she carried a massive boom box, like the kind that rappers carry.

�Oh, Harmmmmyyyy!� she sang out, a smile cracking through the junk on her face. �Where are you Harmykins?�

The girls held each other�s hand, with the younger one sucking her thumb and cuddling a blankie and an orange Tigger.

�Mommy�s at it again,� the older one whispered into her sister�s ear, �I can�t believe she�s making us help too.�

The younger one pulled her thumb out of her mouth just long enough to ask her sister, �Is she still sweepin?� then immediately stuck her thumb back into place as she hung onto her Tigger for dear life.

�Yup. She�s sleeping,� the older one said, adding, �I hope she doesn�t sing this time!�

The younger one shuddered and grabbed hold of her sister�s arm crying, �I wanna go home! Where�s Daddy?�

�I dunno,� the older girl said, shrugging her shoulders, �I heard Mommy say something about a closet.�

Amidst the throng of women sat Pretz and CatMom, noticing immediately through the gunk on the woman�s face, that it was CharS.

�Oh . . . My. . . GOSH!� gasped Pretz, �She�s sleepwalking again! And she�s brought the kids this time!�

�THIS could get ugly. Where's Sarahsue? We're gonna need her help,� CatMom whispered.

�Ugly? THAT�s an understatement! I'll go find her. I think she was Lu' s stunt double for the cow act.� Pretz gasped as she hurried away and tried to shield her eyes from the bizarre scene unfolding on the stage in front of the crowd.

CatMom whipped out a cell phone and dialed the local psych ward, �Um, Doctor? We�ve got a problem. You better get your tushy here pronto! Yup, she�s at it again, and bring the stun gun this time!�

Meanwhile up on the stage, CharS had set the boom box down and tugged the hands of her two little girls, bringing them into the center of the stage. She tapped the microphone, causing it to squeal as she shouted into it, �IS THIS THING ON???�

The crowd covered their ears and cringed at the horrendous noise. CatMom tried to sneak backstage, knowing what the crowd was in store for.

�Mememememe!!!!!!!� CharS sung into the mic, then clearing her throat with a loud GACK! She turned around and whispered something to the older child. The girl gingerly stepped forward and set the boom box down at her mother�s feet and then quickly retreated to where her sister stood. Both girls stuck their fingers in their ears and squeezed their eyes shut, trembling.

Cece sat there shocked at what she was seeing. She whispered to Harm, who had returned to his seat and was still wearing his Cowboy outfit much to her delight, �Um, is this part of the show?�

All Harm could do was shake his head no, afraid to open his mouth for fear that the scream building up inside him would let loose!

CharS bent over and pressed play on the box, her bosom nearly tumbling out of nightshirt she wore under the robe, causing the crowd to gasp in horror. She then stood up and grasped the microphone. Pointing out into the audience with her right hand as the music began to swell, she cried out in a loud screeching voice,

�Harmykins, this one�s for you!!!!!!�

She closed her eyes and put her mouth up to the microphone and began to sing�grossly out of tune. Actually, her singing was a lot like fingernails on a chalkboard.

�Soooo many nights. . . . I sit by my window . . . . waiting for someone . . . .�

Somewhere in the back of the auditorium a scream filled the air. As the crowd turned around to see what the commotion was, they saw Dancer and Heather running from the room, covering their ears.

Suddenly, to the right of the stage CatMom, Pretz and Sarahsue appeared with wads of cotton sticking out of their ears. A doctor followed closely behind, a huge stun gun crackling in his left hand and a syringe in his right.

Judi tried to quiet the murmuring crowd as they watched Char being lead away, "It's ok folks--she won't remember any of this when she wakes up!! As I was saying--for our next act we have two lovely sisters who wanted to do something culturally uplifting in honor of our Champion of Culture Cece�so without further ado�I give you Mag and Mary performing a ballet they choreographed themselves�Oh-- just a minute.. I�ve just received word they�re not QUITE ready yet�Umm-- Let me check on them. Be right back, Ladies and Gents.

judi stepped back behind curtain to find Mag and Mary in a heated debate�

"Look, Mary.. There are two sets of tights but only ONE tutu. I get the tutu."
"Oh no you don�t. I�M not being the guy! YOU be the guy."
"I�m not going to be the guy. How embarrassing. YOU be the guy."
"Look. I�m not ABOUT to heft YOU over MY head. YOU be the guy!"
"Are you insinuating I weigh more then you?"
"Look.. I just know what I saw at Easter.. All those empty bags of candy �.�
"What?!"
"I can still smell the chocolate on your breath!"
"Gasp! You can not!"
"Almond Joys!"
"I didn�t TOUCH them"
"Right�. Oh look! Was that a shock tremor in my water glass? Do another plie so I can check".
"Gasp!.... You.. you... BRAT! You were ALWAYS mother�s FAVORITE! � SLAP!"
"OW! Hey! SLAP!"

~Suddenly both women fall thru curtain, unaware that they were now on stage�. ~

"Ow! YANK!"
"My HAIR! WITCH!"
"Oooff!"
"Gack!"

judi rolled her eyes, pulled a handle and they both fell through the stage trap door�

Cece turned to apologize to Harm for the outlandish behavior of the two women but he was standing up applauding with gusto. "Nothing like a good cat fight!!" he said as he sat back down beside her. His beeper went off again and before she knew it he had disappeared backstage once more.

As soon as he got backstage manette started chasing Harm around in circles. judi hurried over to see what the commotion was about.

" JUUUDI�Harm won't let me see his BALLS!!! I keep asking him but he's scared." judi looked at manette like she had lost her mind as Harm hurried to cower behind the RDOL. "I keep telling him that I am just going to JUGGLE them with my feet. I can BOUNCE them from my feet to my thighs off my chest and back down to my feet without ever letting them HIT the ground." manette said proudly. "I'm VERY good!! I've had years of practice and I hardly EVER step on them anymore, except when I'm getting started�then I step on a BALL, ROLL it with my foot so that I can FLIP it into the air! I've only SQUASHED two BALLS in the last few days. I even have a trick where I can KICK his BALLS in the air and catch them on the back of my neck and then BOUNCE them back off and CATCH them on my foot again. I mean I could use someone else's BALLS, but since it is Cece's birthday I thought it would be really SPECIAL if I could juggle HARM'S BALLS for her�." He whimpered from behind judi as manette walked over to him and then reached past him and grabbed a soccer ball out of the bag that was sitting on the ground beside him�."I never realized you were such a BABY, Harm!!" manette said as she stomped off in a huff. "So much for the big brave pilot--."

Harm hid behind judi until she had disappeared. "It's ok, Harm. She's gone�you're safe. Now listen, get ready to help Abby with her act�Oh and would you mind grabbing her chain saw on your way onstage?" judi didn't notice his horrified expression as she patted his cheek and hurried out to introduce the next act�The natives were getting restless.

"I give you Abby and her wonderful world of ice sculpture!!"

Abby walked out onto stage dragging a huge hunk of ice behind her. She waved to the crowd and announced�"In honor of Cece's birthday I will now carve an ice sculpture of our very own Harm!! And as a special surprise he has agreed to model for us!!!!"

All of the women in the audience gasped as he stepped out on stage. He was wearing nothing but boxers and a game smile as he handed Abby her chain saw. She revved it up and ice started flying everywhere. The women oohed and ahhed and then started fanning themselves ferociously. The combined power surge of hundreds of female hot flashes soon had the temperature soaring to 110 degrees. Sweat started pouring off of bare chested Harm and the women were swooning at the sight. Abby carved away at the dwindling hunk of ice trying to capture Harmy in all his glory, but soon�. a lonely lump of ice was all that remained unmelted�Desperate to save her act she was suddenly struck by inspiration. She turned to face the audience with a flourish and said, "Ladies�I give you�Harmo Erectus!!!" Thunderous applause erupted even as harmo melted and dripped off the table. Sweaty but bewildered, Harm waved to the hot happy crowd and disappeared backstage.

Judi walked on to the stage and said, "This next act is very special, because one of our very reluctant posters has made a special request. Lauri wants to recite a poem just for Cece."

Lauri walked shyly out onto stage�she walked over to the microphone and dug one toe into the ground as she said demurely�..

"Trees� by Joyce Kilmer as recited by Lauri�, Cece!

I think that I shall never see
A poem as lovely as a tre�She suddenly spied Harm who had just retaken his seat beside Cecilia...HARM!!!!

She launched herself off the stage landing in his lap as she continued to recite the poem--

A HARM whose hungry mouth is pressed
Against my sweet and flowing breast

"Lauri�behave yourself!!" Cece tried to pull the woman off of Harm's lap.

A HARM that looks at me all day
And lifts his beefy arms to pick me up and carry me away!!!!!

A HARM that may in Summer wear
His whites or boxers�I don't care

Lauri locked her arms around Harm's neck and held on for dear life.

Upon my bosom he has lain
And licked me like a candy cane

HARM was made for fools like me
And Cece can't have him even if it is her birthday�So get away, you hussy!!!!

Cece, not being one to resort to physical violence, began to pout. "It's my birthday, Harmy�Do something!!"

Harm reached over and ran a thumb across Cece's check- as he was won't to do- then he stood up with Lauri still attached and assured Cecilia that he would be right back.

Meanwhile judi had been dealing with another problem backstage. She had come upon Crossy all upset, sitting in the middle of some really big top hats. "What's going on?"

"Oh, judi-- I don't know WHAT to do. I had Tiner, AJ, Gunny, Webb, Bud and Sturgis all lined up to do the Navel Whistler act and they heard manette was KICKING people in the balls, and they all ran out of here screaming. I don't have TIME to find replacements."

"We'll just have to fill in for them�no one will know the difference�the hats will cover their faces." Judi decided. "Go grab Cathy F, Brigette, Matou, Cindy B and Spud�tell them to get in here on the double."

"All right girls"�she told them when they gathered around. "We HAVE to pitch in and SAVE the show for Cece's sake. See these big hats? Well stick your arms up inside them and pull them over your heads�See they have peepholes. Then we will draw lips around your belly buttons and a nose on your stomach and eyes on your chest and you will look like you are whistling! It will be great�All you have to do is stand there and wiggle a little bit."

"judi�there is only one problem. When men do this, you draw the eyes on their chests" Cathy F said patiently.

"So?" judi was struggling to put a hat on a squirming Cindy B.

"Well, we have boobies�No one is drawing eyeballs on my boobies!!!" Spud crossed both arms across her chest protectively.

"Harm can draw on my boobies!" Crossy declared excitedly

"The googly-eyed Navel Whistlers�"added Brigitte jiggling as she jumped up and down.

"No way�We'll look like the saggy, bug eyed Navel Whistlers!!" Matou yelled.

"Ok," judi said quickly. "Start getting ready. I'll think of something." She ran off to the handy wardrobe room and came back and threw something at the women. "Put these on and I will stall for time with my act while you are getting ready�just give me a signal when you're ready."

Judi ran out on stage and said nervously�"Well there has been another short delay�
BUT�I wanted to do something special for Cece's birthday too and since I'm not creative like the rest of you. I thought I'd do the only thing I know how to do � code!!!

We will start with Computer Programming Lesson 69. Ok, I skipped 1 through 68, so sue me!
Now down to business. In honor of my prot�g�, Cece, we are going to learn how to write a simple computer program. Now what you must understand is that Cece didn�t know much about how computers work when we met and well, I knew nothing about real English. Now every other word out of my mouth is bugger and she's talking bits, bytes and nibbles �

But she recently had a setback. Don�t ask her about the time she thought her computer died and she called me all the way from Vancouver and I told her to check the plug. Cor Blimey Governor! it worked !!! LOL Boy was she cheesed off that it was just the bloody plug. Sod it!!! But in reality it was � FM. That�s a technical term which means - fine magic. (I bet Michelle and Techie know this one.)

We are going to write the program in pseudocode. Pseudocode is an outting (bugger all!) outline of a program written in a form that can easily be converted into real programming statements So the computer can�t read this but y�all will understand it. So here goes:

All programs have variables defanged (oh blimey, I mistyped) defined. Variables are vultures (sod it, that's not right) values that can change depending on conditions. This is the mean (I can't bloody well type) main part of the program. If you branch to a function, when the function is finished, you return to main. So let us first define a variable called HarmsClothes.

Main
Define HarmsClothes as text

** Now we�ll use HarmsClothes in an IF THEN statement. This gives choices to the user. Forever instance:

IF HarmsClothes = DressWhites
THEN GOTO Em_Jay
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = Boxers
THEN GOTO Shell
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = NULL
THEN GOTO Trish OR Abby
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = Shorts
THEN GOTO RDOL
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = chocolate
THEN GOTO CatMom OR CQ
IF HarmsClothes = TrenchCoat
THEN GOTO Cece
ELSE
GOTO AllHarmyBoarders ** If all condi fails, then take a donnybrook at the HarmyBoard
END IF

End Main *** Bugger off

Each of the GOTOs tell you to go to a particular FUNCTION. So in the case of Cece, it will go to a function called Cece. Also, in this function, you will learn about loops. That's where the same action repeats itself for however long you tell it to, using i as the counter. Remember that when you enter the function that HarmsClothes means TrenchCoat.

Cece
DEFINE BritTart AS TYPE CanadianHussy
DEFINE Nookie AS TYPE HotMonkeySex
DEFINE Harm AS TYPE Stud

FOR i = 1 to 100 ** This action will be performed 100 times.
HarmsClothes = null ** I have changed HarmsClothes to nothing
MOVE Harm to BritTart
Nookie = Harm + BritTart
NEXT i ** add 1 to i
Loop
END FUNCTION ** Return to main part of the program

Also, you've got to be careful of an endless loop. That's where i never gets to 100 and the loop goes on forever which I'm sure what Cece would prefer. LOL Of course, Harm would be gobsmacked that Cec can keep up with him.

So now y'all have your computer lesson and if you understood any of this, you are now a certifiable HarmyNerd or a BarmyHarmy. Oh BTW, to be a programmer, you must drink coffee and lots of it. Some can get away with spot of tea or coke, but not many. If someone bothers you while you're getting your caffeine fix, tell them to put a sock in it! Thank you and I hope you have learned a lot!"
audience was transfixed, not that they understood a word judi was saying, but with that crowd if you used the word Harm, no clothes, nookie and Hot Monkey Sex you could keep their attention for hours.

Suddenly judi got the signal from off stage that the Whistlers were ready to take their places. "Ok ladies- it is now time for our next act."

The curtain opened to reveal the women wearing giant top hats covering their faces, black sports bras over their boobs and red lipstick on their navels. They marched and wiggled to the tune of The Bridge on the River as judi announced, "I give you the blindfolded Navel Whistlers!!"

Cece was still pouting, while she watched the whistlers, but she cheered up when Harm returned sans Lauri. He settled in beside her and took her hand once more.

The whistlers were onstage whistling while backstage Mz. Bob, Trish, judi, Shell, Tracy, manette and the visiting honorary Texas Tart CB, dressed in sequined dresses and impossibly high heels, were talking all at once. They were not happy.

"A kick line?!" Tracy grumbled.

"We can�t do a kick line! I can't even walk in these shoes-- " Shell moaned as she wobbled around in small circles.

"Who�s idea WAS this anyway?� snapped Scotty, then quickly putting the bag back over her head.

�Can�t we do something ELSE?" everyone wailed.

~All eyes turned to judi.~

"Like WHAT? Tell me what talent anyone here has!" judi asked pointedly.

Trish frantically waved her hand in air, "OOOO!!!! OOOOO!!!!"

"That we won�t be arrested for!" judi said as she put her hands on her hips.

"Ohhh�ummm--never mind," Trish mumbled.

"Exactly. Now shut up and get� WHAT is that SMELL??!!! Oh gee� MZ Bob! Are you wearing Ben Gay? Ladies.. sigh.. we are TRYING to exude YOUTHFUL exuberance! Now get with the PROGRAM! Somebody raise the curtain! Ready?! And�."

"WAIT!!!!"

"What? NOW?!!! Hold the curtain! Sigh.. What is it, Shell?"

"Where�s Harm? Judi, YOU said Harm would be here. YOU said �"

"He�s in the audience."

"He�s in the audience? WHERE?"

The curtain went up as the sound of CanCan music filled the hall.

"We�re on! Go! Go! Go! One� Two� Three.. KICK!"

"Where�s Harm? Pant! Pant! KICK! Tracy! Do you see him? Two.. three.. KICK!"

"OW!!! Hey! Watch it, CB! Three.. KICK!"

"My eye! My eye! KICK! Where�s Harm? Two.. three� I don�t see him. KICK! Mz. Bob! Can you see Har�KICK! Owwwww�."

Oh.. I think I HURT myself�. RIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!! Ut Oh .. there goes the Birthday banner. Two.. three� KICK! Shell�s not going to like that. She stayed up all night piecing this thing together�two.. three.. KICK!"

"Who cares.. Where�s HARM?!! "

"One .. two�. Oh man.. I�m getting tired� three KICK! Wait! I think I see him! Oh my GOSH! There he IS!!!! GEEEEETTTTT HIMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!"

With their arms still wrapped around each other's shoulders they rushed to the front of the stage toward Harmkins. Suddenly, simultaneous calf cramps did them in. They tripped over their high heels and started falling like dominoes. Soon they were just a tangled mass of moaning, groaning sequins.

judi crawled out from under the pile and watched them flop around like fish out of water. It was obvious that they couldn't get up so she pulled the lever on the trap door. The floor dropped out from under them, and they rolled out into the back parking lot.

The audience, thinking it was the big finale, stood and gave them an earth-shaking ovation as they disappeared from view.

The Texas Tarts scraped themselves off the concrete and looked around the back parking lot. It was filled with the tattered and torn Harmyboard acts�They were all tired but happy. They knew that they had given their all to honor Cece. The bruised and battered bunch looked up in time to see Harm as he carried Cece out of the theatre and dropped her into his corvette. It started with one lone voice but soon the Harmyville night was filled with song---and as the happy couple drove away they could hear---

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR CECE!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOOUU!"

[ Edit | View ]

Replies:
- I found some mistakes (that I will fix). Anyone else find anything let me know. I've just read over it SO many times it is blurring together at this point. LOL! What a monster! (NT) -- Luodoles has LEFT the building, 16:18:30 05/12/03 Mon
- Hey Lu! This is fantastic...truly fantastic. Listen, now that I see what's going on, I'll revise my blurb and get it to you this evening. LOLOL! I can't wait to see her reaction! (NT) -- Crossy, 17:13:03 05/12/03 Mon
asdf -- asdf, 15:09:51 05/12/03 Mon
May10 version

Harm looked at the invitation in his hand as he entered the Harmyville Memorial Theatre. He had been invited to a special Talent Show in honor of Cecilia's Birthday. He was used to spending birthday's with the HB women and while he KNEW first hand that they were a talented bunch�It wasn't exactly the kind of talent that belonged on a stage�

Warily, he walked into the theater and was amazed at all the vendor booths that filled the lobby. He noticed
Cindy B's Legs
�frantic women were crowded around the booth buying the precious legs as fast as a frazzled Cindy B could sew and stuff them.

Crossy's Party Palz
- he blushed at some of the memories those brought back and hurried past before anyone noticed him.

manette's Meat Tray and Plaster Palace
- aaaahhhh good times, he sighed on his way past the bustling crowd.

He hurried into the darkened auditorium, wanting to get a good seat and he found one waiting for him right beside the birthday girl, Cecilia. Grabbing her hand he settled in to wait for the show to begin. This should be different�

Suddenly a spotlight hit the stage, a hush fell over the murmuring crowd, and judi walked out from behind the curtain. She approached the microphone�"In honor of Cecilia's birthday, I would like to welcome you all to the first annual Harmyhoard Board Talent Show!"

~Thunderous applause �Stamping feet�WOOOO HOOOOO~

"For our first act I give you the Harmyboard Chorus!!!"

The curtain opened to reveal a mob of motley women�some with bags over their heads standing on risers. Old Spice stepped forward and waved to the crowd, then turned and raised her hands to lead the group in song. "We love you HARMY�Oh yes we DOOO."

Out in the audience Cece leaned over to Harm and whispered�I see Jbird,CQ, Spud, Claudia, Emjay, Techie and Ashke, but I don't recognize some of those other women do you?"

Harm, who was a master at juggling lots of women told her quickly and quietly so as not to interfere with the performance, "That is jersey girl, Rita B, Araninda, Vivienne, Lindy S, Aims, Carmy, Carol D, Caroll, Alicia, LRM. Aerogirl," he paused to take a deep breath. "Jaggar, Kathy, kay, Bookworm Girl, Josie, docphil, Brenda, Gracie, Amanda Adams, Dragon, Scotty, DJEgirl, Sarah S, Katerina, Beth, andie, sydney possem Shipper Mom, Erin and Rachel�"

"WE love you HARMY and we'll be TRUUE."

"Wow, Harm- you really know your Harmyboarders, but who are the ones with the bags over their heads?" Cece asked as she batted her eyes at Harm coyly.

"Oh, those are the lurkers," Harm said with a grin. Suddenly his beeper went off . He read the message and said, "Excuse me, Cece. It seems I am needed backstage�.but I'll be back, my little birthday girl.." He ran his thumb across her cheek�as he was won't to do�and disappeared. On stage the choir was finishing their number.

"When you're not with us �WE"RE BLUE!!!!! Oh Harmy- WE love YOU!!!! Oh and Happy Birthday to Cece�and many mooooooore"!!!

Old Spice and the choir took a bow then ran off the stage.

Meanwhile backstage Michelle was excitedly speaking with Judi."So, Michy --- where�s your entry for Cece�s birthday talent show? We�re about to go on!"

�Here ya go, Judi!� Michelle grinned shoving a script in her hands.

~as judi reads an increasing look of horror appears on her face!~

"MICHELLE!!!!"

What?

"I can�t let you do THIS!"

"Why not?"

"It�s �..it�s ��"

"What?"

"Disgusting!"

"It is not! What do you mean? Where? I am� well.. I am just HIGHLY offended.. and.. and.. SURPRISED! You WOUND me, Judi!"

"Come on, Michelle! You & Harm � O.K. Even you in the cowgirl outfit and Harm in just the chaps � O.K. But the COW? Why, VOY would shut down our ceremoany.. not to mention my Board!"

"Oh, you�re just being a prude!" Michelle was incensed.

"I am not!"

"Oh yes you are! And here I thought it was YOU who put the �D� in RDOL! HA! You�re a big fraud!"

~Judi is speechless..~

"Alright alright �� how about I take out the cow?"

"Oh good! .. and the flying monkeys!"

"Take out the Flying Monkeys TOO??????? You�ll ruin the whole thing!"

"Michelle ��"

"It isn�t even interesting without the flying monkeys!"

"'Interesting' isn�t exactly how I�d characterize it."

"You�re just no fun anymore, judi! Just forget the whole thing."

"Now, Michy �..It�s just that� well.. you know.. Cece is so � cultured� and .. refined.. I don�t think she�d APPRECIATE it like � well� perhaps someone ELSE might."

"I know� It�s just that�it�s ruined without the cow AND the monkeys�."

"I know.. I�m sorry, really �."

"That�s o.k. I understand. Maybe I can use it some other time."

"Sure. Good idea. When?"

"When�s LU�S birthday?????????"

Michelle returned to her seat, sulking and muttering about the Resident Prude Old Lady. As if on cue, Lu frantically ran up. Judi tried to hide, but it was too late. Lu had spotted her.

"judi, I�m glad you�re here. I have a question�

Lu. Please. NO more QUESTIONS! Just.. ask manette,� Judi pleaded, popping two dry aspirins.

Oh.. o.k� but.. I still have a question for you.

Sigh.. what is it?

Well.. it�s just that I�m confused. I THOUGHT you wanted Manette and I to�..

AAIIIGHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Gack! Nevermind! Nevermind! Sheesh. You know.. you really should check about that nervous problem of yours� And.. how many of those aspirins have you HAD today? Umm� Anyway� , I really DO have a question only you can answer.

Sigh.. O.k.. go ahead�

Why was this cow in my living room this morning?

Oh.. ummm�.

I found her there when I woke up!! There was a Dale Evans suit tied around it�s neck, and a note to show up here for Cece�s BD ceremoany. I don�t suppose YOU know anything about that, do you?"

"That�s what I thought. Sigh� Judi.. Can you even comprehend the MESS it made in my living room? There�s not enough cat litter in the Universe to handle something like that. And speaking of cats, mine�s going to need therapy BIG TIME after Princess Poo here played cat box bingo this a.m.!!"

"Uhh.. her name is Princess Moo.." judi said helpfully.

"WHATEVER! Oh.. and just in case you don�t know this already.. I am NOT putting that outfit on." Lu crossed her arms stubbornly.

"But Luoodles!" judi said slyly. "Haven�t your heard? HARM is going to be a cowBOY! And you can be his cowGIRL!"

"What? Are you sure?" asked Lu, instantly becoming more interested.

"Oh absolutely. Now.. I�ve heard that you used to be QUITE the rider in your day! Why don�t you show off some of your stuff from the back of your trusty steed, �Princess Moo.�

"Trusty steed 'Moo'??? The COW?! Oh.. You�ve got to be kidding me. I�m not riding that thing!"

"But Lu! Remember your youth? You know� YEEE HAAWWW and all that. PLUS, you�ll have plenty of time to do all SORTS of tricks. Look how SLOW she moves. It�ll be perfect! And as your last trick you can LEAP from the cow�s back into the waiting arms of Harmkins. Then you and he can ride off into the sunset together! Whatdaya say?!" judi knew how to play Lu like a fiddle.

"I say saddle up that DOGGIE!" Lu screamed as she stripped and threw on the COWgirl outfit. ~screams were heard in the background as several stage hands staggered off, blined.~

"Let's here it for the chorus," judi said as she walked back out on stage. "For our next act we have a special treat! Our very own Lu is going to amaze us with trick riding! May I present Luoodles and Princess Moo!!"

The curtain rose and a hush fell over the audience as a cow began to plod across the stage chewing its cud, it's bell clanging.

Michelle looked up in disbelief. Leaping to her feet she began screaming, �That�s MY cow! That woman STOLE my COW!!!� Two security guards discreetly drug her from the audience as judi popped two more Excedrin and a valium for good measure.

Oblivious of Michy�s disturbance Luoodles waved to the crowd and then stood up on the cow's back, wobbling on one foot as it meandered across the stage. Encouraged by the wide eyed wonder of the crowd she dropped down into the saddle once before lifting herself up on her arms and swinging her legs in mighty circles as the cow looked back at her disinterestedly. Deciding for a big finish, she balanced herself on her head and was halfway up into a headstand when Harmkins rode up on his Mighty Stallion. The crowd went wild at the sight of Harmipoo. Cameras flashed all over the auditorium, startling Miss Moo who abruptly went nuts, galloping around the stage in a mad, desperate attempt to escape the blinding lights. Finally it leapt from the stage and went bawling down the aisle and out onto the street, Lu wrapped around it�s neck like a bandana. The curtain came down on a startled Harm and his horse as judi hurried back out onto the stage.

"Don't worry folks, Lu is fine. Princess Moo spotted Michelle across the parking lot and made a beeline for her�~cough~...ANYWAY�for our next act we have �" judi stopped as a woman, looking kinda like Barbie on steroids, strode across the stage tugging along two little girls clad in �GO NAVY� jammies.

The woman, dressed in a thick, purple spa-type robe, had huge HUGE pink curlers in her thinning hair and some icky looking slime on her face. On her feet were these enormous furry Garfield slippers that scuffed as she walked. In her left hand she carried a massive boom box, like the kind that rappers carry.

�Oh, Harmmmmyyyy!� she sang out, a smile cracking through the junk on her face. �Where are you Harmykins?�

The girls held each other�s hand, with the younger one sucking her thumb and cuddling a blankie and an orange Tigger.

�Mommy�s at it again,� the older one whispered into her sister�s ear, �I can�t believe she�s making us help too.�

The younger one pulled her thumb out of her mouth just long enough to ask her sister, �Is she still sweepin?� then immediately stuck her thumb back into place as she hung onto her Tigger for dear life.

�Yup. She�s sleeping,� the older one said, adding, �I hope she doesn�t sing this time!�

The younger one shuddered and grabbed hold of her sister�s arm crying, �I wanna go home! Where�s Daddy?�

�I dunno,� the older girl said, shrugging her shoulders, �I heard Mommy say something about a closet.�

Amidst the throng of women sat Pretz and CatMom, noticing immediately through the gunk on the woman�s face, that it was CharS.

�Oh . . . My. . . GOSH!� gasped Pretz, �She�s sleepwalking again! And she�s brought the kids this time!�

�THIS could get ugly. Where's Sarahsue? We're gonna need her help,� CatMom whispered.

�Ugly? THAT�s an understatement! I'll go find her. I think she was Lu' s stunt double for the cow act.� Pretz gasped as she hurried away and tried to shield her eyes from the bizarre scene unfolding on the stage in front of the crowd.

CatMom whipped out a cell phone and dialed the local psych ward, �Um, Doctor? We�ve got a problem. You better get your tushy here pronto! Yup, she�s at it again, and bring the stun gun this time!�

Meanwhile up on the stage, CharS had set the boom box down and tugged the hands of her two little girls, bringing them into the center of the stage. She tapped the microphone, causing it to squeal as she shouted into it, �IS THIS THING ON???�

The crowd covered their ears and cringed at the horrendous noise. CatMom tried to sneak backstage, knowing what the crowd was in store for.

�Mememememe!!!!!!!� CharS sung into the mic, then clearing her throat with a loud GACK! She turned around and whispered something to the older child. The girl gingerly stepped forward and set the boom box down at her mother�s feet and then quickly retreated to where her sister stood. Both girls stuck their fingers in their ears and squeezed their eyes shut, trembling.

Cece sat there shocked at what she was seeing. She whispered to Harm, who had returned to his seat and was still wearing his Cowboy outfit much to her delight, �Um, is this part of the show?�

All Harm could do was shake his head no, afraid to open his mouth for fear that the scream building up inside him would let loose!

CharS bent over and pressed play on the box, her bosom nearly tumbling out of nightshirt she wore under the robe, causing the crowd to gasp in horror. She then stood up and grasped the microphone. Pointing out into the audience with her right hand as the music began to swell, she cried out in a loud screeching voice,

�Harmykins, this one�s for you!!!!!!�

She closed her eyes and put her mouth up to the microphone and began to sing�grossly out of tune. Actually, her singing was a lot like fingernails on a chalkboard.

�Soooo many nights. . . . I sit by my window . . . . waiting for someone . . . .�

Somewhere in the back of the auditorium a scream filled the air. As the crowd turned around to see what the commotion was, they saw Dancer and Heather running from the room, covering their ears.

Suddenly, to the right of the stage CatMom, Pretz and Sarahsue appeared with wads of cotton sticking out of their ears. A doctor followed closely behind, a huge stun gun crackling in his left hand and a syringe in his right.

Judi tried to quiet the murmuring crowd as they watched Char being lead away, "It's ok folks--she won't remember any of this when she wakes up!! As I was saying--for our next act we have two lovely sisters who wanted to do something culturally uplifting in honor of our Champion of Culture Cece�so without further ado�I give you Mag and Mary performing a ballet they choreographed themselves�Oh-- just a minute.. I�ve just received word they�re not QUITE ready yet�Umm-- Let me check on them. Be right back, Ladies and Gents.

judi stepped back behind curtain to find Mag and Mary in a heated debate�

"Look, Mary.. There are two sets of tights but only ONE tutu. I get the tutu."
"Oh no you don�t. I�M not being the guy! YOU be the guy."
"I�m not going to be the guy. How embarrassing. YOU be the guy."
"Look. I�m not ABOUT to heft YOU over MY head. YOU be the guy!"
"Are you insinuating I weigh more then you?"
"Look.. I just know what I saw at Easter.. All those empty bags of candy �.�
"What?!"
"I can still smell the chocolate on your breath!"
"Gasp! You can not!"
"Almond Joys!"
"I didn�t TOUCH them"
"Right�. Oh look! Was that a shock tremor in my water glass? Do another plie so I can check".
"Gasp!.... You.. you... BRAT! You were ALWAYS mother�s FAVORITE! � SLAP!"
"OW! Hey! SLAP!"

~Suddenly both women fall thru curtain, unaware that they were now on stage�. ~

"Ow! YANK!"
"My HAIR! WITCH!"
"Oooff!"
"Gack!"

judi rolled her eyes, pulled a handle and they both fell through the stage trap door�

Cece turned to apologize to Harm for the outlandish behavior of the two women but he was standing up applauding with gusto. "Nothing like a good cat fight!!" he said as he sat back down beside her. His beeper went off again and before she knew it he had disappeared backstage once more.

As soon as he got backstage manette started chasing Harm around in circles. judi hurried over to see what the commotion was about.

" JUUUDI�Harm won't let me see his BALLS!!! I keep asking him but he's scared." judi looked at manette like she had lost her mind as Harm hurried to cower behind the RDOL. "I keep telling him that I am just going to JUGGLE them with my feet. I can BOUNCE them from my feet to my thighs off my chest and back down to my feet without ever letting them HIT the ground." manette said proudly. "I'm VERY good!! I've had years of practice and I hardly EVER step on them anymore, except when I'm getting started�then I step on a BALL, ROLL it with my foot so that I can FLIP it into the air! I've only SQUASHED two BALLS in the last few days. I even have a trick where I can KICK his BALLS in the air and catch them on the back of my neck and then BOUNCE them back off and CATCH them on my foot again. I mean I could use someone else's BALLS, but since it is Cece's birthday I thought it would be really SPECIAL if I could juggle HARM'S BALLS for her�." He whimpered from behind judi as manette walked over to him and then reached past him and grabbed a soccer ball out of the bag that was sitting on the ground beside him�."I never realized you were such a BABY, Harm!!" manette said as she stomped off in a huff. "So much for the big brave pilot--."

Harm hid behind judi until she had disappeared. "It's ok, Harm. She's gone�you're safe. Now listen, get ready to help Abby with her act�Oh and would you mind grabbing her chain saw on your way onstage?" judi didn't notice his horrified expression as she patted his cheek and hurried out to introduce the next act�The natives were getting restless.

"I give you Abby and her wonderful world of ice sculpture!!"

Abby walked out onto stage dragging a huge hunk of ice behind her. She waved to the crowd and announced�"In honor of Cece's birthday I will now carve an ice sculpture of our very own Harm!! And as a special surprise he has agreed to model for us!!!!"

All of the women in the audience gasped as he stepped out on stage. He was wearing nothing but boxers and a game smile as he handed Abby her chain saw. She revved it up and ice started flying everywhere. The women oohed and ahhed and then started fanning themselves ferociously. The combined power surge of hundreds of female hot flashes soon had the temperature soaring to 110 degrees. Sweat started pouring off of bare chested Harm and the women were swooning at the sight. Abby carved away at the dwindling hunk of ice trying to capture Harmy in all his glory, but soon�. a lonely lump of ice was all that remained unmelted�Desperate to save her act she was suddenly struck by inspiration. She turned to face the audience with a flourish and said, "Ladies�I give you�Harmo Erectus!!!" Thunderous applause erupted even as harmo melted and dripped off the table. Sweaty but bewildered, Harm waved to the hot happy crowd and disappeared backstage.

Judi walked on to the stage and said, "This next act is very special, because one of our very reluctant posters has made a special request. Lauri wants to recite a poem just for Cece."

Lauri walked shyly out onto stage�she walked over to the microphone and dug one toe into the ground as she said demurely�..

"Trees� by Joyce Kilmer as recited by Lauri�, Cece!

I think that I shall never see
A poem as lovely as a tre�She suddenly spied Harm who had just retaken his seat beside Cecilia...HARM!!!!

She launched herself off the stage landing in his lap as she continued to recite the poem--

A HARM whose hungry mouth is pressed
Against my sweet and flowing breast

"Lauri�behave yourself!!" Cece tried to pull the woman off of Harm's lap.

A HARM that looks at me all day
And lifts his beefy arms to pick me up and carry me away!!!!!

A HARM that may in Summer wear
His whites or boxers�I don't care

Lauri locked her arms around Harm's neck and held on for dear life.

Upon my bosom he has lain
And licked me like a candy cane

HARM was made for fools like me
And Cece can't have him even if it is her birthday�So get away, you hussy!!!!

Cece, not being one to resort to physical violence, began to pout. "It's my birthday, Harmy�Do something!!"

Harm reached over and ran a thumb across Cece's check- as he was won't to do- then he stood up with Lauri still attached and assured Cecilia that he would be right back.

Meanwhile judi had been dealing with another problem backstage. She had come upon Crossy all upset, sitting in the middle of some really big top hats. "What's going on?"

"Oh, judi-- I don't know WHAT to do. I had Tiner, AJ, Gunny, Webb, Bud and Sturgis all lined up to do the Navel Whistler act and they heard manette was KICKING people in the balls, and they all ran out of here screaming. I don't have TIME to find replacements."

"We'll just have to fill in for them�no one will know the difference�the hats will cover their faces." Judi decided. "Go grab Cathy F, Brigette, Matou, Cindy B and Spud�tell them to get in here on the double."

"All right girls"�she told them when they gathered around. "We HAVE to pitch in and SAVE the show for Cece's sake. See these big hats? Well stick your arms up inside them and pull them over your heads�See they have peepholes. Then we will draw lips around your belly buttons and a nose on your stomach and eyes on your chest and you will look like you are whistling! It will be great�All you have to do is stand there and wiggle a little bit."

"judi�there is only one problem. When men do this, you draw the eyes on their chests" Cathy F said patiently.

"So?" judi was struggling to put a hat on a squirming Cindy B.

"Well, we have boobies�No one is drawing eyeballs on my boobies!!!" Spud crossed both arms across her chest protectively.

"Harm can draw on my boobies!" Crossy declared excitedly

"The googly-eyed Navel Whistlers�"added Brigitte jiggling as she jumped up and down.

"No way�We'll look like the saggy, bug eyed Navel Whistlers!!" Matou yelled.

"Ok," judi said quickly. "Start getting ready. I'll think of something." She ran off to the handy wardrobe room and came back and threw something at the women. "Put these on and I will stall for time with my act while you are getting ready�just give me a signal when you're ready."

Judi ran out on stage and said nervously�"Well there has been another short delay�
BUT�I wanted to do something special for Cece's birthday too and since I'm not creative like the rest of you. I thought I'd do the only thing I know how to do � code!!!

We will start with Computer Programming Lesson 69. Ok, I skipped 1 through 68, so sue me!
Now down to business. In honor of my prot�g�, Cece, we are going to learn how to write a simple computer program. Now what you must understand is that Cece didn�t know much about how computers work when we met and well, I knew nothing about real English. Now every other word out of my mouth is bugger and she's talking bits, bytes and nibbles �

But she recently had a setback. Don�t ask her about the time she thought her computer died and she called me all the way from Vancouver and I told her to check the plug. Cor Blimey Governor! it worked !!! LOL Boy was she cheesed off that it was just the bloody plug. Sod it!!! But in reality it was � FM. That�s a technical term which means - fine magic. (I bet Michelle and Techie know this one.)

We are going to write the program in pseudocode. Pseudocode is an outting (bugger all!) outline of a program written in a form that can easily be converted into real programming statements So the computer can�t read this but y�all will understand it. So here goes:

All programs have variables defanged (oh blimey, I mistyped) defined. Variables are vultures (sod it, that's not right) values that can change depending on conditions. This is the mean (I can't bloody well type) main part of the program. If you branch to a function, when the function is finished, you return to main. So let us first define a variable called HarmsClothes.

Main
Define HarmsClothes as text

** Now we�ll use HarmsClothes in an IF THEN statement. This gives choices to the user. Forever instance:

IF HarmsClothes = DressWhites
THEN GOTO Em_Jay
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = Boxers
THEN GOTO Shell
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = NULL
THEN GOTO Trish OR Abby
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = Shorts
THEN GOTO RDOL
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = chocolate
THEN GOTO CatMom OR CQ
IF HarmsClothes = TrenchCoat
THEN GOTO Cece
ELSE
GOTO AllHarmyBoarders ** If all condi fails, then take a donnybrook at the HarmyBoard
END IF

End Main *** Bugger off

Each of the GOTOs tell you to go to a particular FUNCTION. So in the case of Cece, it will go to a function called Cece. Also, in this function, you will learn about loops. That's where the same action repeats itself for however long you tell it to, using i as the counter. Remember that when you enter the function that HarmsClothes means TrenchCoat.

Cece
DEFINE BritTart AS TYPE CanadianHussy
DEFINE Nookie AS TYPE HotMonkeySex
DEFINE Harm AS TYPE Stud

FOR i = 1 to 100 ** This action will be performed 100 times.
HarmsClothes = null ** I have changed HarmsClothes to nothing
MOVE Harm to BritTart
Nookie = Harm + BritTart
NEXT i ** add 1 to i
Loop
END FUNCTION ** Return to main part of the program

Also, you've got to be careful of an endless loop. That's where i never gets to 100 and the loop goes on forever which I'm sure what Cece would prefer. LOL Of course, Harm would be gobsmacked that Cec can keep up with him.

So now y'all have your computer lesson and if you understood any of this, you are now a certifiable HarmyNerd or a BarmyHarmy. Oh BTW, to be a programmer, you must drink coffee and lots of it. Some can get away with spot of tea or coke, but not many. If someone bothers you while you're getting your caffeine fix, tell them to put a sock in it! Thank you and I hope you have learned a lot!"
audience was transfixed, not that they understood a word judi was saying, but with that crowd if you used the word Harm, no clothes, nookie and Hot Monkey Sex you could keep their attention for hours.

Suddenly judi got the signal from off stage that the Whistlers were ready to take their places. "Ok ladies- it is now time for our next act."

The curtain opened to reveal the women wearing giant top hats covering their faces, black sports bras over their boobs and red lipstick on their navels. They marched and wiggled to the tune of The Bridge on the River as judi announced, "I give you the blindfolded Navel Whistlers!!"

(whistling emoticons)

Cece was still pouting, while she watched the whistlers, but she cheered up when Harm returned sans Lauri. He settled in beside her and took her hand once more.

The whistlers were onstage whistling while backstage Mz. Bob, Trish, judi, Shell, Tracy, manette and the visiting honorary Texas Tart CB, dressed in sequined dresses and impossibly high heels, were talking all at once. They were not happy.

"A kick line?!" Tracy grumbled.

"We can�t do a kick line! I can't even walk in these shoes-- " Shell moaned as she wobbled around in small circles.

"Who�s idea WAS this anyway? Can�t we do something ELSE?" Everyone looked at judi.

"Like WHAT? Tell me what talent anyone here has!" judi asked pointedly.

Trish frantically waved her hand in air, "OOOO!!!! OOOOO!!!!"

"That we won�t be arrested for!" judi said as she put her hands on her hips.

"Ohhh�ummm--never mind," Trish mumbled.

"Exactly. Now shut up and get� WHAT is that SMELL??!!! Oh gee� MZ Bob! Are you wearing Ben Gay? Ladies.. sigh.. we are TRYING to exude YOUTHFUL exuberance! Now get with the PROGRAM! Somebody raise the curtain! Ready?! And�."

"WAIT!!!!"

"What? NOW?!!! Hold the curtain! Sigh.. What is it, Shell?"

"Where�s Harm? Judi, YOU said Harm would be here. YOU said �"

"He�s in the audience."

"He�s in the audience? WHERE?"

The curtain went up as the sound of CanCan music filled the hall.

"We�re on! Go! Go! Go! One� Two� Three.. KICK!"

"Where�s Harm? Pant! Pant! KICK! Tracy! Do you see him? Two.. three.. KICK!"

"OW!!! Hey! Watch it, CB! Three.. KICK!"

"My eye! My eye! KICK! Where�s Harm? Two.. three� I don�t see him. KICK! Mz. Bob! Can you see Har�KICK! Owwwww�."

Oh.. I think I HURT myself�. RIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!! Ut Oh .. there goes the Birthday banner. Two.. three� KICK! Shell�s not going to like that. She stayed up all night piecing this thing together�two.. three.. KICK!"

"Who cares.. Where�s HARM?!! "

"One .. two�. Oh man.. I�m getting tired� three KICK! Wait! I think I see him! Oh my GOSH! There he IS!!!! GEEEEETTTTT HIMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!"

With their arms still wrapped around each other's shoulders they rushed to the front of the stage toward Harmkins. Suddenly, simultaneous calf cramps did them in. They tripped over their high heels and started falling like dominoes. Soon they were just a tangled mass of moaning, groaning sequins.

judi crawled out from under the pile and watched them flop around like fish out of water. It was obvious that they couldn't get up so she pulled the lever on the trap door. The floor dropped out from under them, and they rolled out into the back parking lot.

The audience, thinking it was the big finale, stood and gave them an earth-shaking ovation as they disappeared from view.

The Texas Tarts scraped themselves off the concrete and looked around the back parking lot. It was filled with the tattered and torn Harmyboard acts�They were all tired but happy. They knew that they had given their all to honor Cece. The bruised and battered bunch looked up in time to see Harm as he carried Cece out of the theatre and dropped her into his corvette. It started with one lone voice but soon the Harmyville night was filled with song---and as the happy couple drove away they could hear---

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR CECE!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOOUU!"

[ Edit | View ]
adsf -- asdf, 14:39:37 05/12/03 Mon
May10 version

Harm looked at the invitation in his hand as he entered the Harmyville Memorial Theatre. He had been invited to a special Talent Show in honor of Cecilia's Birthday. He was used to spending birthday's with the HB women and while he KNEW first hand that they were a talented bunch�It wasn't exactly the kind of talent that belonged on a stage�

Warily, he walked into the theater and was amazed at all the vendor booths that filled the lobby. He noticed Cindy B's Legs�frantic women were crowded around the booth buying the precious legs as fast as a frazzled Cindy B could sew and stuff them. Crossy's Party Palz- he blushed at some of the memories those brought back and hurried past before anyone noticed him. manette's Meat Tray and Plaster Palace- aaaahhhh good times, he sighed on his way past the bustling crowd.

He hurried into the darkened auditorium, wanting to get a good seat and he found one waiting for him right beside the birthday girl, Cecilia. Grabbing her hand he settled in to wait for the show to begin. This should be different�

Suddenly a spotlight hit the stage, a hush fell over the murmuring crowd, and judi walked out from behind the curtain. She approached the microphone�"In honor of Cecilia's birthday, I would like to welcome you all to the first annual Harmyhoard Board Talent Show!" (Thunderous applause �Stamping feet�WOOOO HOOOOO)

"For our first act I give you the Harmyboard Chorus!!!"

The curtain opened to reveal a mob of motley women�some with bags over their heads standing on risers. Old Spice stepped forward and waved to the crowd, then turned and raised her hands to lead the group in song. "We love you HARMY�Oh yes we DOOO."

Out in the audience Cece leaned over to Harm and whispered�I see Jbird,CQ, Spud, Claudia, Emjay, Techie and Ashke, but I don't recognize some of those other women do you?"

Harm, who was a master at juggling lots of women told her quickly and quietly so as not to interfere with the performance, "That is jersey girl, Rita B, Araninda, Vivienne, Lindy S, Aims, Carmy, Carol D, Caroll, Alicia, LRM. Aerogirl," he paused to take a deep breath. "Jaggar, Kathy, kay, Bookworm Girl, Josie, docphil, Brenda, Gracie, Amanda Adams, Dragon, DJEgirl, Sarah S, Katerina, Beth, andie, sydney possem Shipper Mom, Erin and Rachel�"

"WE love you HARMY and we'll be TRUUE."

"Wow, Harm- you really know your Harmyboarders, but who are the ones with the bags over their heads?" Cece asked as she batted her eyes at Harm coyly.

"Oh, those are the lurkers," Harm said with a grin. Suddenly his beeper went off . He read the message and said, "Excuse me, Cece. It seems I am needed backstage�.but I'll be back, my little birthday girl.." He ran his thumb across her cheek�as he was won't to do�and disappeared. On stage the choir was finishing their number.

"When you're not with us �WE"RE BLUE!!!!! Oh Harmy- WE love YOU!!!! Oh and Happy Birthday to Cece�and many mooooooore"!!!

Old Spice and the choir took a bow then ran off the stage.

Meanwhile backstage Michelle was excitedly speaking with Judi."So, Michy --- where�s your entry for Cece�s birthday talent show? We�re about to go on!"

�Here ya go, Judi!� Michelle grinned shoving a script in her hands.

[as judi reads an increasing look of horror appears on her face!]
"MICHELLE!!!!"

What?

"I can�t let you do THIS!"

"Why not?"

"It�s �..it�s ��"

"What?"

"Disgusting!"

"It is not! What do you mean? Where? I am� well.. I am just HIGHLY offended.. and.. and.. SURPRISED! You WOUND me, Judi!"

"Come on, Michelle! You & Harm � O.K. Even you in the cowgirl outfit and Harm in just the chaps � O.K. But the COW? VOY would shut down our ceremoany.. not to mention my Board!"

"Oh, you�re just being a prude!" Michelle was incensed.

"I am not!"

"Oh yes you are! And here I thought it was YOU who put the �D� in RDOL! HA! You�re a big fraud!"

Judi is speechless..

"Alright alright �� how about I take out the cow?"

"Oh good! .. and the flying monkeys!"

"Take out the Flying Monkeys TOO??????? You�ll ruin the whole thing!"

"Michelle ��"

"It isn�t even interesting without the flying monkeys!"

"'Interesting' isn�t exactly how I�d characterize it."

"You�re just no fun anymore, judi! Just forget the whole thing."

"Now, Michy �..It�s just that� well.. you know.. Cece is so � cultured� and .. refined.. I don�t think she�d APPRECIATE it like � well� perhaps someone ELSE might."

"I know� It�s just that�it�s ruined without the cow AND the monkeys�."

"I know.. I�m sorry, really �."

"That�s o.k. I understand. Maybe I can use it some other time."

"Sure. Good idea. When?"

"When�s LU�S birthday?????????"

Michelle returned to her seat, sulking and muttering about the Resident Prude Old Lady. As if on cue, Lu frantically ran up. Judi tried to hide, but it was too late. Lu had spotted her.

"judi, I�m glad you�re here. I have a question�

Lu. Please. NO more QUESTIONS! Just.. ask manette,� Judi pleaded, popping two dry aspirins.

Oh.. o.k� but.. I still have a question for you.

Sigh.. what is it?

Well.. it�s just that I�m confused. I THOUGHT you wanted Manette and I to�..

AAIIIGHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Gack! Nevermind! Nevermind! Sheesh. You know.. you really should check about that nervous problem of yours� And.. how many of those aspirins have you HAD today? Umm� Anyway� , I really DO have a question only you can answer. Why was this cow in my living room this morning?

Oh.. ummm�.

I found her there when I woke up!! There was a Dale Evans suit tied around it�s neck, and a note to show up here for Cece�s BD ceremoany. I don�t suppose YOU know anything about that, do you?"

"That�s what I thought. Sigh� Judi.. Can you even comprehend the MESS it made in my living room? There�s not enough cat litter in the Universe to handle something like that. And speaking of cats, mine�s going to need therapy BIG TIME after Princess Poo here played cat box bingo this a.m.!!"

"Uhh.. her name is Princess Moo.." judi said helpfully.

"WHATEVER! Oh.. and just in case you don�t know this already.. I am NOT putting that outfit on." Lu crossed her arms stubbornly.

"But Luoodles!" judi said slyly. "Haven�t your heard? HARM is going to be a cowBOY! And you can be his cowGIRL!"

"What? Are you sure?" asked Lu, instantly becoming more interested.

"Oh absolutely. Now.. I�ve heard that you used to be QUITE the rider in your day! Why don�t you show off some of your stuff from the back of your trusty steed, �Princess Moo.�

"Trusty steed 'Moo'??? The COW?! Oh.. You�ve got to be kidding me. I�m not riding that thing!"

"But Lu! Remember your youth? You know� YEEE HAAWWW and all that. PLUS, you�ll have plenty of time to do all SORTS of tricks. Look how SLOW she moves. It�ll be perfect! And as your last trick you can LEAP from the cow�s back into the waiting arms of Harmkins. Then you and he can ride off into the sunset together! Whatdaya say?!" judi knew how to play Lu like a fiddle.

"I say saddle up that DOGGIE!" Lu screamed as she stripped and threw on the COWgirl outfit.

"Let's here it for the chorus," judi said as she walked back out on stage. "For our next act we have a special treat! Our very own Lu is going to amaze us with trick riding! May I present Luoodles and Princess Moo!!"

The curtain rose and a hush fell over the audience as a cow began to plod across the stage chewing its cud, it's bell clanging.

Michelle looked up in disbelief. Leaping to her feet she began screaming, �That�s MY cow! That woman STOLE my COW!!!� Two security guards discreetly drug her from the audience as judi popped two more Excedrin and a valium for good measure.

Oblivious of Michy�s disturbance Luoodles waved to the crowd and then stood up on the cow's back, wobbling on one foot as it meandered across the stage. Encouraged by the wide eyed wonder of the crowd she dropped down into the saddle once before lifting herself up on her arms and swinging her legs in mighty circles as the cow looked back at her disinterestedly. Deciding for a big finish, she balanced herself on her head and was halfway up into a headstand when Harmkins rode up on his Mighty Stallion. The crowd went wild at the sight of Harmipoo. Cameras flashed all over the auditorium, startling Miss Moo who abruptly went nuts, galloping around the stage in a mad, desperate attempt to escape the blinding lights. Finally it leapt from the stage and went bawling down the aisle and out onto the street, Lu wrapped around it�s neck like a bandana. The curtain came down on a startled Harm and his horse as judi hurried back out onto the stage.

"Don't worry folks, Lu is fine. Princess Moo spotted Michelle across the parking lot and made a beeline for her�~cough~...ANYWAY�for our next act we have �" judi stopped as a woman, looking kinda like Barbie on steroids, strode across the stage tugging along two little girls clad in �GO NAVY� jammies.

The woman, dressed in a thick, purple spa-type robe, had huge HUGE pink curlers in her thinning hair and some icky looking slime on her face. On her feet were these enormous furry Garfield slippers that scuffed as she walked. In her left hand she carried a massive boom box, like the kind that rappers carry.

�Oh, Harmmmmyyyy!� she sang out, a smile cracking through the junk on her face. �Where are you Harmykins?�

The girls held each other�s hand, with the younger one sucking her thumb and cuddling a blankie and an orange Tigger.

�Mommy�s at it again,� the older one whispered into her sister�s ear, �I can�t believe she�s making us help too.�

The younger one pulled her thumb out of her mouth just long enough to ask her sister, �Is she still sweepin?� then immediately stuck her thumb back into place as she hung onto her Tigger for dear life.

�Yup. She�s sleeping,� the older one said, adding, �I hope she doesn�t sing this time!�

The younger one shuddered and grabbed hold of her sister�s arm crying, �I wanna go home! Where�s Daddy?�

�I dunno,� the older girl said, shrugging her shoulders, �I heard Mommy say something about a closet.�

Amidst the throng of women sat Pretz and CatMom, noticing immediately through the gunk on the woman�s face, that it was CharS.

�Oh . . . My. . . GOSH!� gasped Pretz, �She�s sleepwalking again! And she�s brought the kids this time!�

�THIS could get ugly. Where's Sarahsue? We're gonna need her help,� CatMom whispered.

�Ugly? THAT�s an understatement! I'll go find her. I think she was Lu' s stunt double for the cow act.� Pretz gasped as she hurried away and tried to shield her eyes from the bizarre scene unfolding on the stage in front of the crowd.

CatMom whipped out a cell phone and dialed the local psych ward, �Um, Doctor? We�ve got a problem. You better get your tushy here pronto! Yup, she�s at it again, and bring the stun gun this time!�

Meanwhile up on the stage, CharS had set the boom box down and tugged the hands of her two little girls, bringing them into the center of the stage. She tapped the microphone, causing it to squeal as she shouted into it, �IS THIS THING ON???�

The crowd covered their ears and cringed at the horrendous noise. CatMom tried to sneak backstage, knowing what the crowd was in store for.

�Mememememe!!!!!!!� CharS sung into the mic, then clearing her throat with a loud GACK! She turned around and whispered something to the older child. The girl gingerly stepped forward and set the boom box down at her mother�s feet and then quickly retreated to where her sister stood. Both girls stuck their fingers in their ears and squeezed their eyes shut, trembling.

Cece sat there shocked at what she was seeing. She whispered to Harm, who had returned to his seat and was still wearing his Cowboy outfit much to her delight, �Um, is this part of the show?�

All Harm could do was shake his head no, afraid to open his mouth for fear that the scream building up inside him would let loose!

CharS bent over and pressed play on the box, her bosom nearly tumbling out of nightshirt she wore under the robe, causing the crowd to gasp in horror. She then stood up and grasped the microphone. Pointing out into the audience with her right hand as the music began to swell, she cried out in a loud screeching voice,

�Harmykins, this one�s for you!!!!!!�

She closed her eyes and put her mouth up to the microphone and began to sing�grossly out of tune. Actually, her singing was a lot like fingernails on a chalkboard.

�Soooo many nights. . . . I sit by my window . . . . waiting for someone . . . .�

Somewhere in the back of the auditorium a scream filled the air. As the crowd turned around to see what the commotion was, they saw Dancer and Heather running from the room, covering their ears.

Suddenly, to the right of the stage CatMom, Pretz and Sarahsue appeared with wads of cotton sticking out of their ears. A doctor followed closely behind, a huge stun gun crackling in his left hand and a syringe in his right.

Judi tried to quiet the murmuring crowd as they watched Char being lead away, "It's ok folks--she won't remember any of this when she wakes up!! As I was saying--for our next act we have two lovely sisters who wanted to do something culturally uplifting in honor of our Champion of Culture Cece�so without further ado�I give you Mag and Mary performing a ballet they choreographed themselves�Oh-- just a minute.. I�ve just received word they�re not QUITE ready yet�Umm-- Let me check on them. Be right back, Ladies and Gents.

judi stepped back behind curtain to find Mag and Mary in a heated debate�
"Look, Mary.. There are two sets of tights but only ONE tutu. I get the tutu."
"Oh no you don�t. I�M not being the guy! YOU be the guy."
"I�m not going to be the guy. How embarrassing. YOU be the guy."
"Look. I�m not ABOUT to heft YOU over MY head. YOU be the guy!"
"Are you insinuating I weigh more then you?"
"Look.. I just know what I saw at Easter.. All those empty bags of candy �.�
"What?!"
"I can still smell the chocolate on your breath!"
"Gasp! You can not!"
"Almond Joys!"
"I didn�t TOUCH them"
"Right�. Oh look! Was that a shock tremor in my water glass? Do another plie so I can check".
"Gasp!.... You.. you... BRAT! You were ALWAYS mother�s FAVORITE! � SLAP!"
"OW! Hey! SLAP!"
Suddenly both women fall thru curtain, unaware that they were now on stage�.
"Ow! YANK!"
"My HAIR! WITCH!"
"Oooff!"
"Gack!"

judi rolled her eyes, pulled a handle and they both fell through the stage trap door�

Cece turned to apologize to Harm for the outlandish behavior of the two women but he was standing up applauding with gusto. "Nothing like a good cat fight!!" he said as he sat back down beside her. His beeper went off again and before she knew it he had disappeared backstage once more.

As soon as he got backstage manette started chasing Harm around in circles. judi hurried over to see what the commotion was about.

" JUUUDI�Harm won't let me see his BALLS!!! I keep asking him but he's scared." judi looked at manette like she had lost her mind as Harm hurried to cower behind the RDOL. "I keep telling him that I am just going to JUGGLE them with my feet. I can BOUNCE them from my feet to my thighs off my chest and back down to my feet without ever letting them HIT the ground." manette said proudly. "I'm VERY good!! I've had years of practice and I hardly EVER step on them anymore, except when I'm getting started�then I step on a BALL, ROLL it with my foot so that I can FLIP it into the air! I've only SQUASHED two BALLS in the last few days. I even have a trick where I can KICK his BALLS in the air and catch them on the back of my neck and then BOUNCE them back off and CATCH them on my foot again. I mean I could use someone else's BALLS, but since it is Cece's birthday I thought it would be really SPECIAL if I could juggle HARM'S BALLS for her�." He whimpered from behind judi as manette walked over to him and then reached past him and grabbed a soccer ball out of the bag that was sitting on the ground beside him�."I never realized you were such a BABY, Harm!!" manette said as she stomped off in a huff. "So much for the big brave pilot--."

Harm hid behind judi until she had disappeared. "It's ok, Harm. She's gone�you're safe. Now listen, get ready to help Abby with her act�Oh and would you mind grabbing her chain saw on your way onstage?" judi didn't notice his horrified expression as she patted his cheek and hurried out to introduce the next act�The natives were getting restless.

"I give you Abby and her wonderful world of ice sculpture!!"

Abby walked out onto stage dragging a huge hunk of ice behind her. She waved to the crowd and announced�"In honor of Cece's birthday I will now carve an ice sculpture of our very own Harm!! And as a special surprise he has agreed to model for us!!!!"

All of the women in the audience gasped as he stepped out on stage. He was wearing nothing but boxers and a game smile as he handed Abby her chain saw. She revved it up and ice started flying everywhere. The women oohed and ahhed and then started fanning themselves ferociously. The combined power surge of hundreds of female hot flashes soon had the temperature soaring to 110 degrees. Sweat started pouring off of bare chested Harm and the women were swooning at the sight. Abby carved away at the dwindling hunk of ice trying to capture Harmy in all his glory, but soon�. a lonely lump of ice was all that remained unmelted�Desperate to save her act she was suddenly struck by inspiration. She turned to face the audience with a flourish and said, "Ladies�I give you�Harmo Erectus!!!" Thunderous applause erupted even as harmo melted and dripped off the table. Sweaty but bewildered, Harm waved to the hot happy crowd and disappeared backstage.

Judi walked on to the stage and said, "This next act is very special, because one of our very reluctant posters has made a special request. Lauri wants to recite a poem just for Cece."

Lauri walked shyly out onto stage�she walked over to the microphone and dug one toe into the ground as she said demurely�..

"Trees� by Joyce Kilmer as recited by Lauri�, Cece!

I think that I shall never see
A poem as lovely as a tre�She suddenly spied Harm who had just retaken his seat beside Cecilia...HARM!!!!

She launched herself off the stage landing in his lap as she continued to recite the poem--

A HARM whose hungry mouth is pressed
Against my sweet and flowing breast

"Lauri�behave yourself!!" Cece tried to pull the woman off of Harm's lap.

A HARM that looks at me all day
And lifts his beefy arms to pick me up and carry me away!!!!!

A HARM that may in Summer wear
His whites or boxers�I don't care

Lauri locked her arms around Harm's neck and held on for dear life.

Upon my bosom he has lain
And licked me like a candy cane

HARM was made for fools like me
And Cece can't have him even if it is her birthday�So get away, you hussy!!!!

Cece, not being one to resort to physical violence, began to pout. "It's my birthday, Harmy�Do something!!"

Harm reached over and ran a thumb across Cece's check- as he was won't to do- then he stood up with Lauri still attached and assured Cecilia that he would be right back.

Meanwhile judi had been dealing with another problem backstage. She had come upon Crossy all upset, sitting in the middle of some really big top hats. "What's going on?"

"Oh, judi-- I don't know WHAT to do. I had Tiner, AJ, Gunny, Webb, Bud and Sturgis all lined up to do the Navel Whistler act and they heard manette was KICKING people in the balls, and they all ran out of here screaming. I don't have TIME to find replacements."

"We'll just have to fill in for them�no one will know the difference�the hats will cover their faces." Judi decided. "Go grab Cathy F, Brigette, Matou, Cindy B and Spud�tell them to get in here on the double."

"All right girls"�she told them when they gathered around. "We HAVE to pitch in and SAVE the show for Cece's sake. See these big hats? Well stick your arms up inside them and pull them over your heads�See they have peepholes. Then we will draw lips around your belly buttons and a nose on your stomach and eyes on your chest and you will look like you are whistling! It will be great�All you have to do is stand there and wiggle a little bit."

"judi�there is only one problem. When men do this, you draw the eyes on their chests" Cathy F said patiently.

"So?" judi was struggling to put a hat on a squirming Cindy B.

"Well, we have boobies�No one is drawing eyeballs on my boobies!!!" Spud crossed both arms across her chest protectively.

"Harm can draw on my boobies!" Crossy declared excitedly

"The googly-eyed Navel Whistlers�"added Brigitte jiggling as she jumped up and down.

"No way�We'll look like the saggy, bug eyed Navel Whistlers!!" Matou yelled.

"Ok," judi said quickly. "Start getting ready. I'll think of something." She ran off to the handy wardrobe room and came back and threw something at the women. "Put these on and I will stall for time with my act while you are getting ready�just give me a signal when you're ready."

Judi ran out on stage and said nervously�"Well there has been another short delay�
BUT�I wanted to do something special for Cece's birthday too and since I'm not creative like the rest of you. I thought I'd do the only thing I know how to do � code!!!

We will start with Computer Programming Lesson 69. Ok, I skipped 1 through 68, so sue me!
Now down to business. In honor of my prot�g�, Cece, we are going to learn how to write a simple computer program. Now what you must understand is that Cece didn�t know much about how computers work when we met and well, I knew nothing about real English. Now every other word out of my mouth is bugger and she's talking bits, bytes and nibbles �

But she recently had a setback. Don�t ask her about the time she thought her computer died and she called me all the way from Vancouver and I told her to check the plug. Cor Blimey Governor! it worked !!! LOL Boy was she cheesed off that it was just the bloody plug. Sod it!!! But in reality it was � FM. That�s a technical term which means - fine magic. (I bet Michelle and Techie know this one.)

We are going to write the program in pseudocode. Pseudocode is an outting (bugger all!) outline of a program written in a form that can easily be converted into real programming statements So the computer can�t read this but y�all will understand it. So here goes:

All programs have variables defanged (oh blimey, I mistyped) defined. Variables are vultures (sod it, that's not right) values that can change depending on conditions. This is the mean (I can't bloody well type) main part of the program. If you branch to a function, when the function is finished, you return to main. So let us first define a variable called HarmsClothes.

Main
Define HarmsClothes as text

** Now we�ll use HarmsClothes in an IF THEN statement. This gives choices to the user. Forever instance:

IF HarmsClothes = DressWhites
THEN GOTO Em_Jay
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = Boxers
THEN GOTO Shell
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = NULL
THEN GOTO Trish OR Abby
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = Shorts
THEN GOTO RDOL
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = chocolate
THEN GOTO CatMom OR CQ
IF HarmsClothes = TrenchCoat
THEN GOTO Cece
ELSE
GOTO AllHarmyBoarders ** If all condi fails, then take a donnybrook at the HarmyBoard
END IF

End Main *** Bugger off

Each of the GOTOs tell you to go to a particular FUNCTION. So in the case of Cece, it will go to a function called Cece. Also, in this function, you will learn about loops. That's where the same action repeats itself for however long you tell it to, using i as the counter. Remember that when you enter the function that HarmsClothes means TrenchCoat.

Cece
DEFINE BritTart AS TYPE CanadianHussy
DEFINE Nookie AS TYPE HotMonkeySex
DEFINE Harm AS TYPE Stud

FOR i = 1 to 100 ** This action will be performed 100 times.
HarmsClothes = null ** I have changed HarmsClothes to nothing
MOVE Harm to BritTart
Nookie = Harm + BritTart
NEXT i ** add 1 to i
Loop
END FUNCTION ** Return to main part of the program

Also, you've got to be careful of an endless loop. That's where i never gets to 100 and the loop goes on forever which I'm sure what Cece would prefer. LOL Of course, Harm would be gobsmacked that Cec can keep up with him.

So now y'all have your computer lesson and if you understood any of this, you are now a certifiable HarmyNerd or a BarmyHarmy. Oh BTW, to be a programmer, you must drink coffee and lots of it. Some can get away with spot of tea or coke, but not many. If someone bothers you while you're getting your caffeine fix, tell them to put a sock in it! Thank you and I hope you have learned a lot!"
audience was transfixed, not that they understood a word judi was saying, but with that crowd if you used the word Harm, no clothes, nookie and Hot Monkey Sex you could keep their attention for hours.

Suddenly judi got the signal from off stage that the Whistlers were ready to take their places. "Ok ladies- it is now time for our next act."

The curtain opened to reveal the women wearing giant top hats covering their faces, black sports bras over their boobs and red lipstick on their navels. They marched and wiggled to the tune of The Bridge on the River as judi announced, "I give you the blindfolded Navel Whistlers!!"

(whistling emoticons)

Cece was still pouting, while she watched the whistlers, but she cheered up when Harm returned sans Lauri. He settled in beside her and took her hand once more.

The whistlers were onstage whistling while backstage Mz. Bob, Trish, judi, Shell, Tracy, manette and the visiting honorary Texas Tart CB, dressed in sequined dresses and impossibly high heels, were talking all at once. They were not happy.

"A kick line?!" Tracy grumbled.

"We can�t do a kick line! I can't even walk in these shoes-- " Shell moaned as she wobbled around in small circles.

"Who�s idea WAS this anyway? Can�t we do something ELSE?" Everyone looked at judi.

"Like WHAT? Tell me what talent anyone here has!" judi asked pointedly.

Trish frantically waved her hand in air, "OOOO!!!! OOOOO!!!!"

"That we won�t be arrested for!" judi said as she put her hands on her hips.

"Ohhh�ummm--never mind," Trish mumbled.

"Exactly. Now shut up and get� WHAT is that SMELL??!!! Oh gee� MZ Bob! Are you wearing Ben Gay? Ladies.. sigh.. we are TRYING to exude YOUTHFUL exuberance! Now get with the PROGRAM! Somebody raise the curtain! Ready?! And�."

"WAIT!!!!"

"What? NOW?!!! Hold the curtain! Sigh.. What is it, Shell?"

"Where�s Harm? Judi, YOU said Harm would be here. YOU said �"

"He�s in the audience."

"He�s in the audience? WHERE?"

The curtain went up as the sound of CanCan music filled the hall.

"We�re on! Go! Go! Go! One� Two� Three.. KICK!"

"Where�s Harm? Pant! Pant! KICK! Tracy! Do you see him? Two.. three.. KICK!"

"OW!!! Hey! Watch it, CB! Three.. KICK!"

"My eye! My eye! KICK! Where�s Harm? Two.. three� I don�t see him. KICK! Mz. Bob! Can you see Har�KICK! Owwwww�."

Oh.. I think I HURT myself�. RIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!! Ut Oh .. there goes the Birthday banner. Two.. three� KICK! Shell�s not going to like that. She stayed up all night piecing this thing together�two.. three.. KICK!"

"Who cares.. Where�s HARM?!! "

"One .. two�. Oh man.. I�m getting tired� three KICK! Wait! I think I see him! Oh my GOSH! There he IS!!!! GEEEEETTTTT HIMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!"

With their arms still wrapped around each other's shoulders they rushed to the front of the stage toward Harmkins. Suddenly, simultaneous calf cramps did them in. They tripped over their high heels and started falling like dominoes. Soon they were just a tangled mass of moaning, groaning sequins.

judi crawled out from under the pile and watched them flop around like fish out of water. It was obvious that they couldn't get up so she pulled the lever on the trap door. The floor dropped out from under them, and they rolled out into the back parking lot.

The audience, thinking it was the big finale, stood and gave them an earth-shaking ovation as they disappeared from view.

The Texas Tarts scraped themselves off the concrete and looked around the back parking lot. It was filled with the tattered and torn Harmyboard acts�They were all tired but happy. They knew that they had given their all to honor Cece. The bruised and battered bunch looked up in time to see Harm as he carried Cece out of the theatre and dropped her into his corvette. It started with one lone voice but soon the Harmyville night was filled with song---and as the happy couple drove away they could hear---

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR CECE!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOOUU!"

[ Edit | View ]
asdfa -- adsf, 11:31:16 05/12/03 Mon
May10 version

Harm looked at the invitation in his hand as he entered the Harmyville Memorial Theatre. He had been invited to a special Talent Show in honor of Cecilia's Birthday. He was used to spending birthday's with the HB women and while he KNEW first hand that they were a talented bunch�It wasn't exactly the kind of talent that belonged on a stage�

Warily, he walked into the theater and was amazed at all the vendor booths that filled the lobby. He noticed Cindy B's Legs�frantic women were crowded around the booth buying the precious legs as fast as a frazzled Cindy B could sew and stuff them. Crossy's Party Palz- he blushed at some of the memories those brought back and hurried past before anyone noticed him. manette's Meat Tray and Plaster Palace- aaaahhhh good times, he sighed on his way past the bustling crowd.

He hurried into the darkened auditorium, wanting to get a good seat and he found one waiting for him right beside the birthday girl, Cecilia. Grabbing her hand he settled in to wait for the show to begin. This should be different�

Suddenly a spotlight hit the stage, a hush fell over the murmuring crowd, and judi walked out from behind the curtain. She approached the microphone�"In honor of Cecilia's birthday, I would like to welcome you all to the first annual Harmyhoard Board Talent Show!" (Thunderous applause �Stamping feet�WOOOO HOOOOO)

"For our first act I give you the Harmyboard Chorus!!!"

The curtain opened to reveal a mob of motley women�some with bags over their heads standing on risers. Old Spice stepped forward and waved to the crowd, then turned and raised her hands to lead the group in song. "We love you HARMY�Oh yes we DOOO."

Out in the audience Cece leaned over to Harm and whispered�I see Jbird,CQ, Spud, Claudia, Emjay, Techie and Ashke, but I don't recognize some of those other women do you?"

Harm, who was a master at juggling lots of women told her quickly and quietly so as not to interfere with the performance, "That is jersey girl, Rita B, Araninda, Vivienne, Lindy S, Aims, Carmy, Carol D, Caroll, Alicia, LRM. Aerogirl," he paused to take a deep breath. "Jaggar, Kathy, kay, Bookworm Girl, Josie, docphil, Brenda, Gracie, Amanda Adams, Dragon, DJEgirl, Sarah S, Katerina, Beth, andie, sydney possem Shipper Mom, Erin and Rachel�"

"WE love you HARMY and we'll be TRUUE."

"Wow, Harm- you really know your Harmyboarders, but who are the ones with the bags over their heads?" Cece asked as she batted her eyes at Harm coyly.

"Oh, those are the lurkers," Harm said with a grin. Suddenly his beeper went off . He read the message and said, "Excuse me, Cece. It seems I am needed backstage�.but I'll be back, my little birthday girl.." He ran his thumb across her cheek�as he was won't to do�and disappeared. On stage the choir was finishing their number.

"When you're not with us �WE"RE BLUE!!!!! Oh Harmy- WE love YOU!!!! Oh and Happy Birthday to Cece�and many mooooooooooore"!!!

Old Spice and the choir took a bow then ran off the stage.

Meanwhile backstage Michelle was excitedly speaking with Judi."So, Michy --- where�s your entry for Cece�s birthday talent show? We�re about to go on!"

�Here ya go, Judi!� Michelle grinned shoving a script in her hands.

[as judi reads an increasing look of horror appears on her face!] GACK!

"MICHELLE!!!!"

What?

sputtering]: "I can�t let you do THIS!"

"Why not?"

"It�s �..it�s ��"

"What?"

"Disgusting!"

"It is not! What do you mean? Where? I am� well.. I am just HIGHLY offended.. and.. and.. SURPRISED! You WOUND me, Judi!"

"Come on, Michelle! You & Harm � O.K. Even you in the cowgirl outfit and Harm in just the chaps � O.K. But the COW? VOY would shut down our ceremoany.. not to mention my Board!"

"Oh, you�re just being a prude!" Michelle was incensed.

"I am not!"

"Oh yes you are! And here I thought it was YOU who put the �D� in RDOL! HA! You�re a big fraud!"

Judi is speechless..

"Alright alright �� how about I take out the cow?"

"Oh good! .. and the flying monkeys!"

"Take out the Flying Monkeys TOO??????? You�ll ruin the whole thing!"

"Michelle ��"

"It isn�t even interesting without the flying monkeys!"

"'Interesting' isn�t exactly how I�d characterize it."

"You�re just no fun anymore, judi! Just forget the whole thing."

"Now, Michy �..It�s just that� well.. you know.. Cece is so � cultured� and .. refined.. I don�t think she�d APPRECIATE it like � well� perhaps someone ELSE might."

"I know� It�s just that�it�s ruined without the cow AND the monkeys�."

"I know.. I�m sorry, really �."

"That�s o.k. I understand. Maybe I can use it some other time."

"Sure. Good idea. When?"

"When�s LU�S birthday?????????"

Michelle returned to her seat, sulking and muttering about the Resident Prude Old Lady. As if on cue, Lu frantically ran up. Judi tried to hide, but it was too late. Lu had spotted her.

"judi, I�m glad you�re here. I have a question�

Lu. Please. NO more QUESTIONS! Just.. ask manette,� Judi pleaded, popping two dry aspirins.

Oh.. o.k� but.. I still have a question for you.

Sigh.. what is it?

Why was this cow in my living room this morning?

Oh.. ummm�.

I found her there when I woke up!! There was a Dale Evans suit tied around it�s neck, and a note to show up here for Cece�s BD ceremoany. I don�t suppose YOU know anything about that, do you?"

"That�s what I thought. Sigh� Judi.. Can you even comprehend the MESS it made in my living room? There�s not enough cat litter in the Universe to handle something like that. And speaking of cats, mine�s going to need therapy BIG TIME after Princess Poo here played cat box bingo this a.m.!!"

"Uhh.. her name is Princess Moo.." judi said helpfully.

"WHATEVER! Oh.. and just in case you don�t know this already.. I am NOT putting that outfit on." Lu crossed her arms stubbornly.

"But Luoodles!" judi said slyly. "Haven�t your heard? HARM is going to be a cowBOY! And you can be his cowGIRL!"

"What? Are you sure?" asked Lu, instantly becoming more interested.

"Oh absolutely. Now.. I�ve heard that you used to be QUITE the rider in your day! Why don�t you show off some of your stuff from the back of your trusty steed, �Princess Moo.�

"Trusty steed 'Moo'??? The COW?! Oh.. You�ve got to be kidding me. I�m not riding that thing!"

"But Lu! Remember your youth? You know� YEEE HAAWWW and all that. PLUS, you�ll have plenty of time to do all SORTS of tricks. Look how SLOW she moves. It�ll be perfect! And as your last trick you can LEAP from the cow�s back into the waiting arms of Harmkins. Then you and he can ride off into the sunset together! Whatdaya say?!" judi knew how to play Lu like a fiddle.

"I say saddle up that DOGGIE!" Lu screamed as she stripped and threw on the COWgirl outfit.

"Let's here it for the chorus," judi said as she walked back out on stage. "For our next act we have a special treat! Our very own Lu is going to amaze us with trick riding! May I present Luoodles and Princess Moo!!"

The curtain rose and a hush fell over the audience as a cow began to plod across the stage chewing its cud, it's bell clanging.

Michelle looked up in disbelief. Leaping to her feet she began screaming, �That�s MY cow! That woman STOLE my COW!!!� Two security guards discreetly drug her from the audience as judi popped two more Excedrin.

Oblivious of Michy�s disturbance Luoodles waved to the crowd and then stood up on the cow's back, wobbling on one foot as it meandered across the stage. Encouraged by the wide eyed wonder of the crowd she dropped down into the saddle once before lifting herself up on her arms and swinging her legs in mighty circles as the cow looked back at her disinterestedly. Deciding for a big finish, she balanced herself on her head and was halfway up into a headstand when Harmkins rode up on his Mighty Stallion. The crowd went wild at the sight of Harmipoo. Cameras flashed all over the auditorium, startling Miss Moo who abruptly went nuts, galloping around the stage in a mad, desperate attempt to escape the blinding lights. Finally it leapt from the stage and went bawling down the aisle and out onto the street, Lu wrapped around it�s neck like a bandana. The curtain came down on a startled Harm and his horse as judi hurried back out onto the stage.

"Don't worry folks, Lu is fine. Princess Moo spotted Michelle across the parking lot and made a beeline for her�~cough~...ANYWAY�for our next act we have �" judi stopped as a woman, looking kinda like Barbie on steroids, strode across the stage tugging along two little girls clad in �GO NAVY� jammies.

The woman, dressed in a thick, purple spa-type robe, had huge HUGE pink curlers in her thinning hair and some icky looking slime on her face. On her feet were these enormous furry Garfield slippers that scuffed as she walked. In her left hand she carried a massive boom box, like the kind that rappers carry.

�Oh, Harmmmmyyyy!� she sang out, a smile cracking through the junk on her face. �Where are you Harmykins?�

The girls held each other�s hand, with the younger one sucking her thumb and cuddling a blankie and an orange Tigger.

�Mommy�s at it again,� the older one whispered into her sister�s ear, �I can�t believe she�s making us help too.�

The younger one pulled her thumb out of her mouth just long enough to ask her sister, �Is she still sweepin?� then immediately stuck her thumb back into place as she hung onto her Tigger for dear life.

�Yup. She�s sleeping,� the older one said, adding, �I hope she doesn�t sing this time!�

The younger one shuddered and grabbed hold of her sister�s arm crying, �I wanna go home! Where�s Daddy?�

�I dunno,� the older girl said, shrugging her shoulders, �I heard Mommy say something about a closet.�

Amidst the throng of women sat Pretz and CatMom, noticing immediately through the gunk on the woman�s face, that it was CharS.

�Oh . . . My. . . GOSH!� gasped Pretz, �She�s sleepwalking again! And she�s brought the kids this time!�

�THIS could get ugly. Where's Sarahsue? We're gonna need her help,� CatMom whispered.

�Ugly? THAT�s an understatement! I'll go find her. I think she was Lu' s stunt double for the cow act.� Pretz gasped as she hurried away and tried to shield her eyes from the bizarre scene unfolding on the stage in front of the crowd.

CatMom whipped out a cell phone and dialed the local psych ward, �Um, Doctor? We�ve got a problem. You better get your tushy here pronto! Yup, she�s at it again, and bring the stun gun this time!�

Meanwhile up on the stage, CharS had set the boom box down and tugged the hands of her two little girls, bringing them into the center of the stage. She tapped the microphone, causing it to squeal as she shouted into it, �IS THIS THING ON???�

The crowd covered their ears and cringed at the horrendous noise. CatMom tried to sneak backstage, knowing what the crowd was in store for.

�Mememememe!!!!!!!� CharS sung into the mic, then clearing her throat with a loud GACK! She turned around and whispered something to the older child. The girl gingerly stepped forward and set the boom box down at her mother�s feet and then quickly retreated to where her sister stood. Both girls stuck their fingers in their ears and squeezed their eyes shut, trembling.

Cece sat there shocked at what she was seeing. She whispered to Harm, who had returned to his seat and was still wearing his Cowboy outfit much to her delight, �Um, is this part of the show?�

All Harm could do was shake his head no, afraid to open his mouth for fear that the scream building up inside him would let loose!

CharS bent over and pressed play on the box, her bosom nearly tumbling out of nightshirt she wore under the robe, causing the crowd to gasp in horror. She then stood up and grasped the microphone. Pointing out into the audience with her right hand as the music began to swell, she cried out in a loud screeching voice,

�Harmykins, this one�s for you!!!!!!�

She closed her eyes and put her mouth up to the microphone and began to sing�grossly out of tune. Actually, her singing was a lot like fingernails on a chalkboard.

�Soooo many nights. . . . I sit by my window . . . . waiting for someone . . . .�

Somewhere in the back of the auditorium a scream filled the air. As the crowd turned around to see what the commotion was, they saw Dancer and Heather running from the room, covering their ears.

Suddenly, to the right of the stage CatMom, Pretz and Sarahsue appeared with wads of cotton sticking out of their ears. A doctor followed closely behind, a huge stun gun crackling in his left hand and a syringe in his right.

Judi tried to quiet the murmuring crowd as they watched Char being lead away, "It's ok folks--she won't remember any of this when she wakes up!! As I was saying--for our next act we have two lovely sisters who wanted to do something culturally uplifting in honor of our Champion of Culture Cece�so without further ado�I give you Mag and Mary performing a ballet they choreographed themselves�Oh-- just a minute.. I�ve just received word they�re not QUITE ready yet�Umm-- Let me check on them. Be right back, Ladies and Gents.

judi stepped back behind curtain to find Mag and Mary in a heated debate�
"Look, Mary.. There are two sets of tights but only ONE tutu. I get the tutu."
"Oh no you don�t. I�M not being the guy! YOU be the guy."
"I�m not going to be the guy. How embarrassing. YOU be the guy."
"Look. I�m not ABOUT to heft YOU over MY head. YOU be the guy!"
"Are you insinuating I weigh more then you?"
"Look.. I just know what I saw at Easter.. All those empty bags of candy �.�
"What?!"
"I can still smell the chocolate on your breath!"
"Gasp! You can not!"
"Almond Joys!"
"I didn�t TOUCH them"
"Right�. Oh look! Was that a shock tremor in my water glass? Do another plie so I can check".
"Gasp!.... You.. you... BRAT! You were ALWAYS mother�s FAVORITE! � SLAP!"
"OW! Hey! SLAP!"
Suddenly both women fall thru curtain, unaware that they were now on stage�.
"Ow! YANK!"
"My HAIR! WITCH!"
"Oooff!"
"Gack!"
judi rolled her eyes, pulled a handle and they both fell through the stage trap door�
Cece turned to apologize to Harm for the outlandish behavior of the two women but he was standing up applauding with gusto. "Nothing like a good cat fight!!" he said as he sat back down beside her. His beeper went off again and before she knew it he had disappeared backstage once more.
As soon as he got backstage manette started chasing Harm around in circles. judi hurried over to see what the commotion was about.
" JUUUDI�Harm won't let me see his BALLS!!! I keep asking him but he's scared." judi looked at manette like she had lost her mind as Harm hurried to cower behind the RDOL. "I keep telling him that I am just going to JUGGLE them with my feet. I can BOUNCE them from my feet to my thighs off my chest and back down to my feet without ever letting them HIT the ground." manette said proudly. "I'm VERY good!! I've had years of practice and I hardly EVER step on them anymore, except when I'm getting started�then I step on a BALL, ROLL it with my foot so that I can FLIP it into the air! I've only SQUASHED two BALLS in the last few days. I even have a trick where I can KICK his BALLS in the air and catch them on the back of my neck and then BOUNCE them back off and CATCH them on my foot again. I mean I could use someone else's BALLS, but since it is Cece's birthday I thought it would be really SPECIAL if I could juggle HARM'S BALLS for her�." He whimpered from behind judi as manette walked over to him and then reached past him and grabbed a soccer ball out of the bag that was sitting on the ground beside him�."I never realized you were such a BABY, Harm!!" manette said as she stomped off in a huff. "So much for the big brave pilot--."

Harm hid behind judi until she had disappeared. "It's ok, Harm. She's gone�you're safe. Now listen, get ready to help Abby with her act�Oh and would you mind grabbing her chain saw on your way onstage?" judi didn't notice his horrified expression as she patted his cheek and hurried out to introduce the next act�The natives were getting restless.

"I give you Abby and her wonderful world of ice sculpture!!"

Abby walked out onto stage dragging a huge hunk of ice behind her. She waved to the crowd and announced�"In honor of Cece's birthday I will now carve an ice sculpture of our very own Harm!! And as a special surprise he has agreed to model for us!!!!"

All of the women in the audience gasped as he stepped out on stage. He was wearing nothing but boxers and a game smile as he handed Abby her chain saw. She revved it up and ice started flying everywhere. The women oohed and ahhed and then started fanning themselves ferociously. The combined power surge of hundreds of female hot flashes soon had the temperature soaring to 110 degrees. Sweat started pouring off of bare chested Harm and the women were swooning at the sight. Abby carved away at the dwindling hunk of ice trying to capture Harmy in all his glory, but soon�. a lonely lump of ice was all that remained unmelted�Desperate to save her act she was suddenly struck by inspiration. She turned to face the audience with a flourish and said, "Ladies�I give you�Harmo Erectus!!!" Thunderous applause erupted even as harmo melted and dripped off the table. Sweaty but bewildered, Harm waved to the hot happy crowd and disappeared backstage.

Judi walked on to the stage and said, "This next act is very special, because one of our very reluctant posters has made a special request. Lauri wants to recite a poem just for Cece."

Lauri walked shyly out onto stage�she walked over to the microphone and dug one toe into the ground as she said demurely�..

"Trees by Joyce Kilmer as recited by Lauri�, Cece!

I think that I shall never see
A poem as lovely as a tre�She suddenly spied Harm who had just retaken his seat beside Cecilia...HARM!!!!

She launched herself off the stage landing in his lap as she continued to recite the poem--

A HARM whose hungry mouth is pressed
Against my sweet and flowing breast

"Lauri�behave yourself!!" Cece tried to pull the woman off of Harm's lap.

A HARM that looks at me all day
And lifts his beefy arms to pick me up and carry me away!!!!!

A HARM that may in Summer wear
His whites or boxers�I don't care

Lauri locked her arms around Harm's neck and held on for dear life.

Upon my bosom he has lain
And licked me like a candy cane

HARM was made for fools like me
And Cece can't have him even if it is her birthday�So get away, you hussy!!!!

Cece, not being one to resort to physical violence, began to pout. "It's my birthday, Harmy�Do something!!"

Harm reached over and ran a thumb across Cece's check- as he was won't to do- then he stood up with Lauri still attached and assured Cecilia that he would be right back.

Meanwhile judi had been dealing with another problem backstage. She had come upon Crossy all upset, sitting in the middle of some really big top hats. "What's going on?"

"Oh, judi-- I don't know WHAT to do. I had Tiner, AJ, Gunny, Webb, Bud and Sturgis all lined up to do the Navel Whistler act and they heard manette was KICKING people in the balls, and they all ran out of here screaming. I don't have TIME to find replacements."

"We'll just have to fill in for them�no one will know the difference�the hats will cover their faces." Judi decided. "Go grab Cathy F, Brigette, Matou, Cindy B and Spud�tell them to get in here on the double."

"All right girls"�she told them when they gathered around. "We HAVE to pitch in and SAVE the show for Cece's sake. See these big hats? Well stick your arms up inside them and pull them over your heads�See they have peepholes. Then we will draw lips around your belly buttons and a nose on your stomach and eyes on your chest and you will look like you are whistling! It will be great�All you have to do is stand there and wiggle a little bit."

"judi�there is only one problem. When men do this, you draw the eyes on their chests" Cathy F said patiently.

"So?" judi was struggling to put a hat on a squirming Cindy B.

"Well, we have boobies�No one is drawing eyeballs on my boobies!!!" Spud crossed both arms across her chest protectively.

"Harm can draw on my boobies!" Crossy declared excitedly

"The googly-eyed Navel Whistlers�"added Brigitte jiggling as she jumped up and down.

"No way�We'll look like the saggy, bug eyed Navel Whistlers!!" Matou yelled.

"Ok," judi said quickly. "Start getting ready. I'll think of something." She ran off to the handy wardrobe room and came back and threw something at the women. "Put these on and I will stall for time with my act while you are getting ready�just give me a signal when you're ready."

Judi ran out on stage and said nervously�"Well there has been another short delay�
BUT�I wanted to do something special for Cece's birthday too and since I'm not creative like the rest of you. I thought I'd do the only thing I know how to do � code!!!

We will start with Computer Programming Lesson 69. Ok, I skipped 1 through 68, so sue me!
Now down to business. In honor of my prot�g�, Cece, we are going to learn how to write a simple computer program. Now what you must understand is that Cece didn�t know much about how computers work when we met and well, I knew nothing about real English. Now every other word out of my mouth is bugger and she's talking bits, bytes and nibbles �

But she recently had a setback. Don�t ask her about the time she thought her computer died and she called me all the way from Vancouver and I told her to check the plug. Cor Blimey Governor! it worked !!! LOL Boy was she cheesed off that it was just the bloody plug. Sod it!!! But in reality it was � FM. That�s a technical term which means - fine magic. (I bet Michelle and Techie know this one.)

We are going to write the program in pseudocode. Pseudocode is an outting (bugger all!) outline of a program written in a form that can easily be converted into real programming statements So the computer can�t read this but y�all will understand it. So here goes:

All programs have variables defanged (oh blimey, I mistyped) defined. Variables are vultures (sod it, that's not right) values that can change depending on conditions. This is the mean (I can't bloody well type) main part of the program. If you branch to a function, when the function is finished, you return to main. So let us first define a variable called HarmsClothes.

Main
Define HarmsClothes as text

** Now we�ll use HarmsClothes in an IF THEN statement. This gives choices to the user. Forever instance:

IF HarmsClothes = DressWhites
THEN GOTO Em_Jay
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = Boxers
THEN GOTO Shell
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = NULL
THEN GOTO Trish OR Abby
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = Shorts
THEN GOTO RDOL
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = chocolate
THEN GOTO CatMom OR CQ
IF HarmsClothes = TrenchCoat
THEN GOTO Cece
ELSE
GOTO AllHarmyBoarders ** If all condi fails, then take a donnybrook at the HarmyBoard
END IF

End Main *** Bugger off

Each of the GOTOs tell you to go to a particular FUNCTION. So in the case of Cece, it will go to a function called Cece. Also, in this function, you will learn about loops. That's where the same action repeats itself for however long you tell it to, using i as the counter. Remember that when you enter the function that HarmsClothes means TrenchCoat.

Cece
DEFINE BritTart AS TYPE CanadianHussy
DEFINE Nookie AS TYPE HotMonkeySex
DEFINE Harm AS TYPE Stud

FOR i = 1 to 100 ** This action will be performed 100 times.
HarmsClothes = null ** I have changed HarmsClothes to nothing
MOVE Harm to BritTart
Nookie = Harm + BritTart
NEXT i ** add 1 to i
Loop
END FUNCTION ** Return to main part of the program

Also, you've got to be careful of an endless loop. That's where i never gets to 100 and the loop goes on forever which I'm sure what Cece would prefer. LOL Of course, Harm would be gobsmacked that Cec can keep up with him.

So now y'all have your computer lesson and if you understood any of this, you are now a certifiable HarmyNerd or a BarmyHarmy. Oh BTW, to be a programmer, you must drink coffee and lots of it. Some can get away with spot of tea or coke, but not many. If someone bothers you while you're getting your caffeine fix, tell them to put a sock in it! Thank you and I hope you have learned a lot!"
The audience was transfixed, not that they understood a word judi was saying, but with that crowd if you used the word Harm, no clothes, nookie and Hot Monkey Sex you could keep their attention for hours.
Suddenly judi got the signal from off stage that the Whistlers were ready to take their places. "Ok ladies- it is now time for our next act."
The curtain opened to reveal the women wearing giant top hats covering their faces, black sports bras over their boobs and red lipstick on their navels. They marched and wiggled to the tune of The Bridge on the River as judi announced, "I give you the blindfolded Navel Whistlers!!"
(whistling emoticons)

Cece was still pouting, while she watched the whistlers, but she cheered up when Harm returned sans Lauri. He settled in beside her and took her hand once more.

The whistlers were onstage whistling while backstage Mz. Bob, Trish, judi, Shell, Tracy, manette and the visiting honorary Texas Tart CB, dressed in sequined dresses and impossibly high heels, were talking all at once. They were not happy.

"A kick line?!" Tracy grumbled.

"We can�t do a kick line! I can't even walk in these shoes-- " Shell moaned as she wobbled around in small circles.

"Who�s idea WAS this anyway? Can�t we do something ELSE?" Everyone looked at judi.

"Like WHAT? Tell me what talent anyone here has!" judi asked pointedly.

Trish frantically waved her hand in air, "OOOO!!!! OOOOO!!!!"

"That we won�t be arrested for!" judi said as she put her hands on her hips.

"Ohhh�ummm--never mind," Trish mumbled.

"Exactly. Now shut up and get� WHAT is that SMELL??!!! Oh gee� MZ Bob! Are you wearing Ben Gay? Ladies.. sigh.. we are TRYING to exude YOUTHFUL exuberance! Now get with the PROGRAM! Somebody raise the curtain! Ready?! And�."

"WAIT!!!!"

"What? NOW?!!! Hold the curtain! Sigh.. What is it, Shell?"

"Where�s Harm? Judi, YOU said Harm would be here. YOU said �"

"He�s in the audience."

"He�s in the audience? WHERE?"

The curtain went up as the sound of CanCan music filled the hall.

"We�re on! Go! Go! Go! One� Two� Three.. KICK!"

"Where�s Harm? Pant! Pant! KICK! Tracy! Do you see him? Two.. three.. KICK!"

"OW!!! Hey! Watch it, CB! Three.. KICK!"

"My eye! My eye! KICK! Where�s Harm? Two.. three� I don�t see him. KICK! Mz. Bob! Can you see Har�KICK! Owwwww�."

Oh.. I think I HURT myself�. RIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!! Ut Oh .. there goes the Birthday banner. Two.. three� KICK! Shell�s not going to like that. She stayed up all night piecing this thing together�two.. three.. KICK!"

"Who cares.. Where�s HARM?!! "

"One .. two�. Oh man.. I�m getting tired� three KICK! Wait! I think I see him! Oh my GOSH! There he IS!!!! GEEEEETTTTT HIMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!"

With their arms still wrapped around each other's shoulders they rushed to the front of the stage toward Harmkins. Suddenly, simultaneous calf cramps did them in. They tripped over their high heels and started falling like dominoes. Soon they were just a tangled mass of moaning, groaning sequins.

judi crawled out from under the pile and watched them flop around like fish out of water. It was obvious that they couldn't get up so she pulled the lever on the trap door. The floor dropped out from under them, and they rolled out into the back parking lot.

The audience, thinking it was the big finale, stood and gave them an earth-shaking ovation as they disappeared from view.

The Texas Tarts scraped themselves off the concrete and looked around the back parking lot. It was filled with the tattered and torn Harmyboard acts�They were all tired but happy. They knew that they had given their all to honor Cece. The bruised and battered bunch looked up in time to see Harm as he carried Cece out of the theatre and dropped her into his corvette. It started with one lone voice but soon the Harmyville night was filled with song---and as the happy couple drove away they could hear---

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR CECE!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOOUU!"

[ Edit | View ]
asdfa -- asdf, 11:14:14 05/12/03 Mon
Harm looked at the invitation in his hand as he entered the Harmyville Memorial Theatre. He had been invited to a special Talent Show in honor of Cecilia's Birthday. He was used to spending birthday's with the HB women and while he KNEW first hand that they were a talented bunch—It wasn't exactly the kind of talent that belonged on a stage…

Warily, he walked into the theater and was amazed at all the vendor booths that filled the lobby. He noticed Cindy B's Legs—frantic women were crowded around the booth buying the precious legs as fast as a frazzled Cindy B could sew and stuff them. Crossy's Party Palz- he blushed at some of the memories those brought back and hurried past before anyone noticed him. manette's Meat Tray and Plaster Palace- aaaahhhh good times, he sighed on his way past the bustling crowd.

He hurried into the darkened auditorium, wanting to get a good seat and he found one waiting for him right beside the birthday girl, Cecilia. Grabbing her hand he settled in to wait for the show to begin. This should be different…

Suddenly a spotlight hit the stage, a hush fell over the murmuring crowd, and judi walked out from behind the curtain. She approached the microphone—"In honor of Cecilia's birthday, I would like to welcome you all to the first annual Harmyhoard Board Talent Show!" (Thunderous applause –Stamping feet—WOOOO HOOOOO)

"For our first act I give you the Harmyboard Chorus!!!"

The curtain opened to reveal a mob of motley women—some with bags over their heads standing on risers. Old Spice stepped forward and waved to the crowd, then turned and raised her hands to lead the group in song. "We love you HARMY…Oh yes we DOOO."

Out in the audience Cece leaned over to Harm and whispered—I see Jbird,CQ, Spud, Claudia, Emjay, Techie and Ashke, but I don't recognize some of those other women do you?"

Harm, who was a master at juggling lots of women told her quickly and quietly so as not to interfere with the performance, "That is jersey girl, Rita B, Araninda, Vivienne, Lindy S, Aims, Carmy, Carol D, Caroll, Alicia, LRM. Aerogirl," he paused to take a deep breath. "Jaggar, Kathy, kay, Bookworm Girl, Josie, docphil, Brenda, Gracie, Amanda Adams, Dragon, DJEgirl, Sarah S, Katerina, Beth, andie, sydney possem Shipper Mom, Erin and Rachel…"

"WE love you HARMY and we'll be TRUUE."

"Wow, Harm- you really know your Harmyboarders, but who are the ones with the bags over their heads?" Cece asked as she batted her eyes at Harm coyly.

"Oh, those are the lurkers," Harm said with a grin. Suddenly his beeper went off . He read the message and said, "Excuse me, Cece. It seems I am needed backstage….but I'll be back, my little birthday girl.." He ran his thumb across her cheek—as he was won't to do—and disappeared. On stage the choir was finishing their number.

"When you're not with us –WE"RE BLUE!!!!! Oh Harmy- WE love YOU!!!! Oh and Happy Birthday to Cece…and many mooooooooooore"!!!

Old Spice and the choir took a bow then ran off the stage.

Meanwhile backstage Michelle was excitedly speaking with Judi."So, Michy --- where’s your entry for Cece’s birthday talent show? We’re about to go on!"

“Here ya go, Judi!” Michelle grinned shoving a script in her hands.

[as judi reads an increasing look of horror appears on her face!] GACK!

"MICHELLE!!!!"

What?

sputtering]: "I can’t let you do THIS!"

"Why not?"

"It’s …..it’s ……"

"What?"

"Disgusting!"

"It is not! What do you mean? Where? I am… well.. I am just HIGHLY offended.. and.. and.. SURPRISED! You WOUND me, Judi!"

"Come on, Michelle! You & Harm – O.K. Even you in the cowgirl outfit and Harm in just the chaps – O.K. But the COW? VOY would shut down our ceremoany.. not to mention my Board!"

"Oh, you’re just being a prude!" Michelle was incensed.

"I am not!"

"Oh yes you are! And here I thought it was YOU who put the “D” in RDOL! HA! You’re a big fraud!"

Judi is speechless..

"Alright alright …… how about I take out the cow?"

"Oh good! .. and the flying monkeys!"

"Take out the Flying Monkeys TOO??????? You’ll ruin the whole thing!"

"Michelle ……"

"It isn’t even interesting without the flying monkeys!"

"'Interesting' isn’t exactly how I’d characterize it."

"You’re just no fun anymore, judi! Just forget the whole thing."

"Now, Michy …..It’s just that… well.. you know.. Cece is so … cultured… and .. refined.. I don’t think she’d APPRECIATE it like … well… perhaps someone ELSE might."

"I know… It’s just that…it’s ruined without the cow AND the monkeys…."

"I know.. I’m sorry, really …."

"That’s o.k. I understand. Maybe I can use it some other time."

"Sure. Good idea. When?"

"When’s LU’S birthday?????????"

Michelle returned to her seat, sulking and muttering about the Resident Prude Old Lady. As if on cue, Lu frantically ran up. Judi tried to hide, but it was too late. Lu had spotted her.

"judi, I’m glad you’re here. I have a question…

Lu. Please. NO more QUESTIONS! Just.. ask manette,” Judi pleaded, popping two dry aspirins.

Oh.. o.k… but.. I still have a question for you.

Sigh.. what is it?

Why was this cow in my living room this morning?

Oh.. ummm….

I found her there when I woke up!! There was a Dale Evans suit tied around it’s neck, and a note to show up here for Cece’s BD ceremoany. I don’t suppose YOU know anything about that, do you?"

"That’s what I thought. Sigh… Judi.. Can you even comprehend the MESS it made in my living room? There’s not enough cat litter in the Universe to handle something like that. And speaking of cats, mine’s going to need therapy BIG TIME after Princess Poo here played cat box bingo this a.m.!!"

"Uhh.. her name is Princess Moo.." judi said helpfully.

"WHATEVER! Oh.. and just in case you don’t know this already.. I am NOT putting that outfit on." Lu crossed her arms stubbornly.

"But Luoodles!" judi said slyly. "Haven’t your heard? HARM is going to be a cowBOY! And you can be his cowGIRL!"

"What? Are you sure?" asked Lu, instantly becoming more interested.

"Oh absolutely. Now.. I’ve heard that you used to be QUITE the rider in your day! Why don’t you show off some of your stuff from the back of your trusty steed, “Princess Moo.”

"Trusty steed 'Moo'??? The COW?! Oh.. You’ve got to be kidding me. I’m not riding that thing!"

"But Lu! Remember your youth? You know… YEEE HAAWWW and all that. PLUS, you’ll have plenty of time to do all SORTS of tricks. Look how SLOW she moves. It’ll be perfect! And as your last trick you can LEAP from the cow’s back into the waiting arms of Harmkins. Then you and he can ride off into the sunset together! Whatdaya say?!" judi knew how to play Lu like a fiddle.

"I say saddle up that DOGGIE!" Lu screamed as she stripped and threw on the COWgirl outfit.

"Let's here it for the chorus," judi said as she walked back out on stage. "For our next act we have a special treat! Our very own Lu is going to amaze us with trick riding! May I present Luoodles and Princess Moo!!"

The curtain rose and a hush fell over the audience as a cow began to plod across the stage chewing its cud, it's bell clanging.

Michelle looked up in disbelief. Leaping to her feet she began screaming, “That’s MY cow! That woman STOLE my COW!!!” Two security guards discreetly drug her from the audience as judi popped two more Excedrin.

Oblivious of Michy’s disturbance Luoodles waved to the crowd and then stood up on the cow's back, wobbling on one foot as it meandered across the stage. Encouraged by the wide eyed wonder of the crowd she dropped down into the saddle once before lifting herself up on her arms and swinging her legs in mighty circles as the cow looked back at her disinterestedly. Deciding for a big finish, she balanced herself on her head and was halfway up into a headstand when Harmkins rode up on his Mighty Stallion. The crowd went wild at the sight of Harmipoo. Cameras flashed all over the auditorium, startling Miss Moo who abruptly went nuts, galloping around the stage in a mad, desperate attempt to escape the blinding lights. Finally it leapt from the stage and went bawling down the aisle and out onto the street, Lu wrapped around it’s neck like a bandana. The curtain came down on a startled Harm and his horse as judi hurried back out onto the stage.

"Don't worry folks, Lu is fine. Princess Moo spotted Michelle across the parking lot and made a beeline for her…~cough~...ANYWAY…for our next act we have …" judi stopped as a woman, looking kinda like Barbie on steroids, strode across the stage tugging along two little girls clad in “GO NAVY” jammies.

The woman, dressed in a thick, purple spa-type robe, had huge HUGE pink curlers in her thinning hair and some icky looking slime on her face. On her feet were these enormous furry Garfield slippers that scuffed as she walked. In her left hand she carried a massive boom box, like the kind that rappers carry.

“Oh, Harmmmmyyyy!” she sang out, a smile cracking through the junk on her face. “Where are you Harmykins?”

The girls held each other’s hand, with the younger one sucking her thumb and cuddling a blankie and an orange Tigger.

“Mommy’s at it again,” the older one whispered into her sister’s ear, “I can’t believe she’s making us help too.”

The younger one pulled her thumb out of her mouth just long enough to ask her sister, “Is she still sweepin?” then immediately stuck her thumb back into place as she hung onto her Tigger for dear life.

“Yup. She’s sleeping,” the older one said, adding, “I hope she doesn’t sing this time!”

The younger one shuddered and grabbed hold of her sister’s arm crying, “I wanna go home! Where’s Daddy?”

“I dunno,” the older girl said, shrugging her shoulders, “I heard Mommy say something about a closet.”

Amidst the throng of women sat Pretz and CatMom, noticing immediately through the gunk on the woman’s face, that it was CharS.

“Oh . . . My. . . GOSH!” gasped Pretz, “She’s sleepwalking again! And she’s brought the kids this time!”

“THIS could get ugly. Where's Sarahsue? We're gonna need her help,” CatMom whispered.

“Ugly? THAT’s an understatement! I'll go find her. I think she was Lu' s stunt double for the cow act.” Pretz gasped as she hurried away and tried to shield her eyes from the bizarre scene unfolding on the stage in front of the crowd.

CatMom whipped out a cell phone and dialed the local psych ward, “Um, Doctor? We’ve got a problem. You better get your tushy here pronto! Yup, she’s at it again, and bring the stun gun this time!”

Meanwhile up on the stage, CharS had set the boom box down and tugged the hands of her two little girls, bringing them into the center of the stage. She tapped the microphone, causing it to squeal as she shouted into it, “IS THIS THING ON???”

The crowd covered their ears and cringed at the horrendous noise. CatMom tried to sneak backstage, knowing what the crowd was in store for.

“Mememememe!!!!!!!” CharS sung into the mic, then clearing her throat with a loud GACK! She turned around and whispered something to the older child. The girl gingerly stepped forward and set the boom box down at her mother’s feet and then quickly retreated to where her sister stood. Both girls stuck their fingers in their ears and squeezed their eyes shut, trembling.

Cece sat there shocked at what she was seeing. She whispered to Harm, who had returned to his seat and was still wearing his Cowboy outfit much to her delight, “Um, is this part of the show?”

All Harm could do was shake his head no, afraid to open his mouth for fear that the scream building up inside him would let loose!

CharS bent over and pressed play on the box, her bosom nearly tumbling out of nightshirt she wore under the robe, causing the crowd to gasp in horror. She then stood up and grasped the microphone. Pointing out into the audience with her right hand as the music began to swell, she cried out in a loud screeching voice,

“Harmykins, this one’s for you!!!!!!”

She closed her eyes and put her mouth up to the microphone and began to sing—grossly out of tune. Actually, her singing was a lot like fingernails on a chalkboard.

“Soooo many nights. . . . I sit by my window . . . . waiting for someone . . . .”

Somewhere in the back of the auditorium a scream filled the air. As the crowd turned around to see what the commotion was, they saw Dancer and Heather running from the room, covering their ears.

Suddenly, to the right of the stage CatMom, Pretz and Sarahsue appeared with wads of cotton sticking out of their ears. A doctor followed closely behind, a huge stun gun crackling in his left hand and a syringe in his right.

Judi tried to quiet the murmuring crowd as they watched Char being lead away, "It's ok folks--she won't remember any of this when she wakes up!! As I was saying--for our next act we have two lovely sisters who wanted to do something culturally uplifting in honor of our Champion of Culture Cece—so without further ado—I give you Mag and Mary performing a ballet they choreographed themselves—Oh-- just a minute.. I’ve just received word they’re not QUITE ready yet—Umm-- Let me check on them. Be right back, Ladies and Gents.

judi stepped back behind curtain to find Mag and Mary in a heated debate…
"Look, Mary.. There are two sets of tights but only ONE tutu. I get the tutu."
"Oh no you don’t. I’M not being the guy! YOU be the guy."
"I’m not going to be the guy. How embarrassing. YOU be the guy."
"Look. I’m not ABOUT to heft YOU over MY head. YOU be the guy!"
"Are you insinuating I weigh more then you?"
"Look.. I just know what I saw at Easter.. All those empty bags of candy ….”
"What?!"
"I can still smell the chocolate on your breath!"
"Gasp! You can not!"
"Almond Joys!"
"I didn’t TOUCH them"
"Right…. Oh look! Was that a shock tremor in my water glass? Do another plie so I can check".
"Gasp!.... You.. you... BRAT! You were ALWAYS mother’s FAVORITE! … SLAP!"
"OW! Hey! SLAP!"
Suddenly both women fall thru curtain, unaware that they were now on stage….
"Ow! YANK!"
"My HAIR! WITCH!"
"Oooff!"
"Gack!"
judi rolled her eyes, pulled a handle and they both fell through the stage trap door—
Cece turned to apologize to Harm for the outlandish behavior of the two women but he was standing up applauding with gusto. "Nothing like a good cat fight!!" he said as he sat back down beside her. His beeper went off again and before she knew it he had disappeared backstage once more.
As soon as he got backstage manette started chasing Harm around in circles. judi hurried over to see what the commotion was about.
" JUUUDI—Harm won't let me see his BALLS!!! I keep asking him but he's scared." judi looked at manette like she had lost her mind as Harm hurried to cower behind the RDOL. "I keep telling him that I am just going to JUGGLE them with my feet. I can BOUNCE them from my feet to my thighs off my chest and back down to my feet without ever letting them HIT the ground." manette said proudly. "I'm VERY good!! I've had years of practice and I hardly EVER step on them anymore, except when I'm getting started—then I step on a BALL, ROLL it with my foot so that I can FLIP it into the air! I've only SQUASHED two BALLS in the last few days. I even have a trick where I can KICK his BALLS in the air and catch them on the back of my neck and then BOUNCE them back off and CATCH them on my foot again. I mean I could use someone else's BALLS, but since it is Cece's birthday I thought it would be really SPECIAL if I could juggle HARM'S BALLS for her…." He whimpered from behind judi as manette walked over to him and then reached past him and grabbed a soccer ball out of the bag that was sitting on the ground beside him…."I never realized you were such a BABY, Harm!!" manette said as she stomped off in a huff. "So much for the big brave pilot--."

Harm hid behind judi until she had disappeared. "It's ok, Harm. She's gone—you're safe. Now listen, get ready to help Abby with her act—Oh and would you mind grabbing her chain saw on your way onstage?" judi didn't notice his horrified expression as she patted his cheek and hurried out to introduce the next act…The natives were getting restless.

"I give you Abby and her wonderful world of ice sculpture!!"

Abby walked out onto stage dragging a huge hunk of ice behind her. She waved to the crowd and announced—"In honor of Cece's birthday I will now carve an ice sculpture of our very own Harm!! And as a special surprise he has agreed to model for us!!!!"

All of the women in the audience gasped as he stepped out on stage. He was wearing nothing but boxers and a game smile as he handed Abby her chain saw. She revved it up and ice started flying everywhere. The women oohed and ahhed and then started fanning themselves ferociously. The combined power surge of hundreds of female hot flashes soon had the temperature soaring to 110 degrees. Sweat started pouring off of bare chested Harm and the women were swooning at the sight. Abby carved away at the dwindling hunk of ice trying to capture Harmy in all his glory, but soon…. a lonely lump of ice was all that remained unmelted…Desperate to save her act she was suddenly struck by inspiration. She turned to face the audience with a flourish and said, "Ladies—I give you—Harmo Erectus!!!" Thunderous applause erupted even as harmo melted and dripped off the table. Sweaty but bewildered, Harm waved to the hot happy crowd and disappeared backstage.

Judi walked on to the stage and said, "This next act is very special, because one of our very reluctant posters has made a special request. Lauri wants to recite a poem just for Cece."

Lauri walked shyly out onto stage—she walked over to the microphone and dug one toe into the ground as she said demurely…..

"Trees by Joyce Kilmer as recited by Lauri—, Cece!

I think that I shall never see
A poem as lovely as a tre…She suddenly spied Harm who had just retaken his seat beside Cecilia...HARM!!!!

She launched herself off the stage landing in his lap as she continued to recite the poem--

A HARM whose hungry mouth is pressed
Against my sweet and flowing breast

"Lauri—behave yourself!!" Cece tried to pull the woman off of Harm's lap.

A HARM that looks at me all day
And lifts his beefy arms to pick me up and carry me away!!!!!

A HARM that may in Summer wear
His whites or boxers—I don't care

Lauri locked her arms around Harm's neck and held on for dear life.

Upon my bosom he has lain
And licked me like a candy cane

HARM was made for fools like me
And Cece can't have him even if it is her birthday—So get away, you hussy!!!!

Cece, not being one to resort to physical violence, began to pout. "It's my birthday, Harmy…Do something!!"

Harm reached over and ran a thumb across Cece's check- as he was won't to do- then he stood up with Lauri still attached and assured Cecilia that he would be right back.

Meanwhile judi had been dealing with another problem backstage. She had come upon Crossy all upset, sitting in the middle of some really big top hats. "What's going on?"

"Oh, judi-- I don't know WHAT to do. I had Tiner, AJ, Gunny, Webb, Bud and Sturgis all lined up to do the Navel Whistler act and they heard manette was KICKING people in the balls, and they all ran out of here screaming. I don't have TIME to find replacements."

"We'll just have to fill in for them—no one will know the difference—the hats will cover their faces." Judi decided. "Go grab Cathy F, Brigette, Matou, Cindy B and Spud—tell them to get in here on the double."

"All right girls"—she told them when they gathered around. "We HAVE to pitch in and SAVE the show for Cece's sake. See these big hats? Well stick your arms up inside them and pull them over your heads—See they have peepholes. Then we will draw lips around your belly buttons and a nose on your stomach and eyes on your chest and you will look like you are whistling! It will be great—All you have to do is stand there and wiggle a little bit."

"judi—there is only one problem. When men do this, you draw the eyes on their chests" Cathy F said patiently.

"So?" judi was struggling to put a hat on a squirming Cindy B.

"Well, we have boobies—No one is drawing eyeballs on my boobies!!!" Spud crossed both arms across her chest protectively.

"Harm can draw on my boobies!" Crossy declared excitedly

"The googly-eyed Navel Whistlers—"added Brigitte jiggling as she jumped up and down.

"No way—We'll look like the saggy, bug eyed Navel Whistlers!!" Matou yelled.

"Ok," judi said quickly. "Start getting ready. I'll think of something." She ran off to the handy wardrobe room and came back and threw something at the women. "Put these on and I will stall for time with my act while you are getting ready—just give me a signal when you're ready."

Judi ran out on stage and said nervously—"Well there has been another short delay—
BUT—I wanted to do something special for Cece's birthday too and since I'm not creative like the rest of you. I thought I'd do the only thing I know how to do – code!!!

We will start with Computer Programming Lesson 69. Ok, I skipped 1 through 68, so sue me!
Now down to business. In honor of my protégé, Cece, we are going to learn how to write a simple computer program. Now what you must understand is that Cece didn’t know much about how computers work when we met and well, I knew nothing about real English. Now every other word out of my mouth is bugger and she's talking bits, bytes and nibbles –

But she recently had a setback. Don’t ask her about the time she thought her computer died and she called me all the way from Vancouver and I told her to check the plug. Cor Blimey Governor! it worked !!! LOL Boy was she cheesed off that it was just the bloody plug. Sod it!!! But in reality it was – FM. That’s a technical term which means - fine magic. (I bet Michelle and Techie know this one.)

We are going to write the program in pseudocode. Pseudocode is an outting (bugger all!) outline of a program written in a form that can easily be converted into real programming statements So the computer can’t read this but y’all will understand it. So here goes:

All programs have variables defanged (oh blimey, I mistyped) defined. Variables are vultures (sod it, that's not right) values that can change depending on conditions. This is the mean (I can't bloody well type) main part of the program. If you branch to a function, when the function is finished, you return to main. So let us first define a variable called HarmsClothes.

Main
Define HarmsClothes as text

** Now we’ll use HarmsClothes in an IF THEN statement. This gives choices to the user. Forever instance:

IF HarmsClothes = DressWhites
THEN GOTO Em_Jay
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = Boxers
THEN GOTO Shell
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = NULL
THEN GOTO Trish OR Abby
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = Shorts
THEN GOTO RDOL
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = chocolate
THEN GOTO CatMom OR CQ
IF HarmsClothes = TrenchCoat
THEN GOTO Cece
ELSE
GOTO AllHarmyBoarders ** If all condi fails, then take a donnybrook at the HarmyBoard
END IF

End Main *** Bugger off

Each of the GOTOs tell you to go to a particular FUNCTION. So in the case of Cece, it will go to a function called Cece. Also, in this function, you will learn about loops. That's where the same action repeats itself for however long you tell it to, using i as the counter. Remember that when you enter the function that HarmsClothes means TrenchCoat.

Cece
DEFINE BritTart AS TYPE CanadianHussy
DEFINE Nookie AS TYPE HotMonkeySex
DEFINE Harm AS TYPE Stud

FOR i = 1 to 100 ** This action will be performed 100 times.
HarmsClothes = null ** I have changed HarmsClothes to nothing
MOVE Harm to BritTart
Nookie = Harm + BritTart
NEXT i ** add 1 to i
Loop
END FUNCTION ** Return to main part of the program

Also, you've got to be careful of an endless loop. That's where i never gets to 100 and the loop goes on forever which I'm sure what Cece would prefer. LOL Of course, Harm would be gobsmacked that Cec can keep up with him.

So now y'all have your computer lesson and if you understood any of this, you are now a certifiable HarmyNerd or a BarmyHarmy. Oh BTW, to be a programmer, you must drink coffee and lots of it. Some can get away with spot of tea or coke, but not many. If someone bothers you while you're getting your caffeine fix, tell them to put a sock in it! Thank you and I hope you have learned a lot!"
The audience was transfixed, not that they understood a word judi was saying, but with that crowd if you used the word Harm, no clothes, nookie and Hot Monkey Sex you could keep their attention for hours.
Suddenly judi got the signal from off stage that the Whistlers were ready to take their places. "Ok ladies- it is now time for our next act."
The curtain opened to reveal the women wearing giant top hats covering their faces, black sports bras over their boobs and red lipstick on their navels. They marched and wiggled to the tune of The Bridge on the River as judi announced, "I give you the blindfolded Navel Whistlers!!"
(whistling emoticons)

Cece was still pouting, while she watched the whistlers, but she cheered up when Harm returned sans Lauri. He settled in beside her and took her hand once more.

The whistlers were onstage whistling while backstage Mz. Bob, Trish, judi, Shell, Tracy, manette and the visiting honorary Texas Tart CB, dressed in sequined dresses and impossibly high heels, were talking all at once. They were not happy.

"A kick line?!" Tracy grumbled.

"We can’t do a kick line! I can't even walk in these shoes-- " Shell moaned as she wobbled around in small circles.

"Who’s idea WAS this anyway? Can’t we do something ELSE?" Everyone looked at judi.

"Like WHAT? Tell me what talent anyone here has!" judi asked pointedly.

Trish frantically waved her hand in air, "OOOO!!!! OOOOO!!!!"

"That we won’t be arrested for!" judi said as she put her hands on her hips.

"Ohhh—ummm--never mind," Trish mumbled.

"Exactly. Now shut up and get… WHAT is that SMELL??!!! Oh gee… MZ Bob! Are you wearing Ben Gay? Ladies.. sigh.. we are TRYING to exude YOUTHFUL exuberance! Now get with the PROGRAM! Somebody raise the curtain! Ready?! And…."

"WAIT!!!!"

"What? NOW?!!! Hold the curtain! Sigh.. What is it, Shell?"

"Where’s Harm? Judi, YOU said Harm would be here. YOU said …"

"He’s in the audience."

"He’s in the audience? WHERE?"

The curtain went up as the sound of CanCan music filled the hall.

"We’re on! Go! Go! Go! One… Two… Three.. KICK!"

"Where’s Harm? Pant! Pant! KICK! Tracy! Do you see him? Two.. three.. KICK!"

"OW!!! Hey! Watch it, CB! Three.. KICK!"

"My eye! My eye! KICK! Where’s Harm? Two.. three… I don’t see him. KICK! Mz. Bob! Can you see Har…KICK! Owwwww…."

Oh.. I think I HURT myself…. RIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!! Ut Oh .. there goes the Birthday banner. Two.. three… KICK! Shell’s not going to like that. She stayed up all night piecing this thing together…two.. three.. KICK!"

"Who cares.. Where’s HARM?!! "

"One .. two…. Oh man.. I’m getting tired… three KICK! Wait! I think I see him! Oh my GOSH! There he IS!!!! GEEEEETTTTT HIMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!"

With their arms still wrapped around each other's shoulders they rushed to the front of the stage toward Harmkins. Suddenly, simultaneous calf cramps did them in. They tripped over their high heels and started falling like dominoes. Soon they were just a tangled mass of moaning, groaning sequins.

judi crawled out from under the pile and watched them flop around like fish out of water. It was obvious that they couldn't get up so she pulled the lever on the trap door. The floor dropped out from under them, and they rolled out into the back parking lot.

The audience, thinking it was the big finale, stood and gave them an earth-shaking ovation as they disappeared from view.

The Texas Tarts scraped themselves off the concrete and looked around the back parking lot. It was filled with the tattered and torn Harmyboard acts—They were all tired but happy. They knew that they had given their all to honor Cece. The bruised and battered bunch looked up in time to see Harm as he carried Cece out of the theatre and dropped her into his corvette. It started with one lone voice but soon the Harmyville night was filled with song---and as the happy couple drove away they could hear---

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR CECE!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOOUU!"

[ Edit | View ]
asdfa -- asdf, 11:12:18 05/12/03 Mon
Harm looked at the invitation in his hand as he entered the Harmyville Memorial Theatre. He had been invited to a special Talent Show in honor of Cecilia's Birthday. He was used to spending birthday's with the HB women and while he KNEW first hand that they were a talented bunch—It wasn't exactly the kind of talent that belonged on a stage…

Warily, he walked into the theater and was amazed at all the vendor booths that filled the lobby. He noticed Cindy B's Legs—frantic women were crowded around the booth buying the precious legs as fast as a frazzled Cindy B could sew and stuff them. Crossy's Party Palz- he blushed at some of the memories those brought back and hurried past before anyone noticed him. manette's Meat Tray and Plaster Palace- aaaahhhh good times, he sighed on his way past the bustling crowd.

He hurried into the darkened auditorium, wanting to get a good seat and he found one waiting for him right beside the birthday girl, Cecilia. Grabbing her hand he settled in to wait for the show to begin. This should be different…

Suddenly a spotlight hit the stage, a hush fell over the murmuring crowd, and judi walked out from behind the curtain. She approached the microphone—"In honor of Cecilia's birthday, I would like to welcome you all to the first annual Harmyhoard Board Talent Show!" (Thunderous applause –Stamping feet—WOOOO HOOOOO)

"For our first act I give you the Harmyboard Chorus!!!"

The curtain opened to reveal a mob of motley women—some with bags over their heads standing on risers. Old Spice stepped forward and waved to the crowd, then turned and raised her hands to lead the group in song. "We love you HARMY…Oh yes we DOOO."

Out in the audience Cece leaned over to Harm and whispered—I see Jbird,CQ, Spud, Claudia, Emjay, Techie and Ashke, but I don't recognize some of those other women do you?"

Harm, who was a master at juggling lots of women told her quickly and quietly so as not to interfere with the performance, "That is jersey girl, Rita B, Araninda, Vivienne, Lindy S, Aims, Carmy, Carol D, Caroll, Alicia, LRM. Aerogirl," he paused to take a deep breath. "Jaggar, Kathy, kay, Bookworm Girl, Josie, docphil, Brenda, Gracie, Amanda Adams, Dragon, DJEgirl, Sarah S, Katerina, Beth, andie, sydney possem Shipper Mom, Erin and Rachel…"

"WE love you HARMY and we'll be TRUUE."

"Wow, Harm- you really know your Harmyboarders, but who are the ones with the bags over their heads?" Cece asked as she batted her eyes at Harm coyly.

"Oh, those are the lurkers," Harm said with a grin. Suddenly his beeper went off . He read the message and said, "Excuse me, Cece. It seems I am needed backstage….but I'll be back, my little birthday girl.." He ran his thumb across her cheek—as he was won't to do—and disappeared. On stage the choir was finishing their number.

"When you're not with us –WE"RE BLUE!!!!! Oh Harmy- WE love YOU!!!! Oh and Happy Birthday to Cece…and many mooooooooooore"!!!

Old Spice and the choir took a bow then ran off the stage.

Meanwhile backstage Michelle was excitedly speaking with Judi."So, Michy --- where’s your entry for Cece’s birthday talent show? We’re about to go on!"

“Here ya go, Judi!” Michelle grinned shoving a script in her hands.

[as judi reads an increasing look of horror appears on her face!] GACK!

"MICHELLE!!!!"

What?

sputtering]: "I can’t let you do THIS!"

"Why not?"

"It’s …..it’s ……"

"What?"

"Disgusting!"

"It is not! What do you mean? Where? I am… well.. I am just HIGHLY offended.. and.. and.. SURPRISED! You WOUND me, Judi!"

"Come on, Michelle! You & Harm – O.K. Even you in the cowgirl outfit and Harm in just the chaps – O.K. But the COW? VOY would shut down our ceremoany.. not to mention my Board!"

"Oh, you’re just being a prude!" Michelle was incensed.

"I am not!"

"Oh yes you are! And here I thought it was YOU who put the “D” in RDOL! HA! You’re a big fraud!"

Judi is speechless..

"Alright alright …… how about I take out the cow?"

"Oh good! .. and the flying monkeys!"

"Take out the Flying Monkeys TOO??????? You’ll ruin the whole thing!"

"Michelle ……"

"It isn’t even interesting without the flying monkeys!"

"'Interesting' isn’t exactly how I’d characterize it."

"You’re just no fun anymore, judi! Just forget the whole thing."

"Now, Michy …..It’s just that… well.. you know.. Cece is so … cultured… and .. refined.. I don’t think she’d APPRECIATE it like … well… perhaps someone ELSE might."

"I know… It’s just that…it’s ruined without the cow AND the monkeys…."

"I know.. I’m sorry, really …."

"That’s o.k. I understand. Maybe I can use it some other time."

"Sure. Good idea. When?"

"When’s LU’S birthday?????????"

Michelle returned to her seat, sulking and muttering about the Resident Prude Old Lady. As if on cue, Lu frantically ran up. Judi tried to hide, but it was too late. Lu had spotted her.

"judi, I’m glad you’re here. I have a question…

Lu. Please. NO more QUESTIONS! Just.. ask manette,” Judi pleaded, popping two dry aspirins.

Oh.. o.k… but.. I still have a question for you.

Sigh.. what is it?

Why was this cow in my living room this morning?

Oh.. ummm….

I found her there when I woke up!! There was a Dale Evans suit tied around it’s neck, and a note to show up here for Cece’s BD ceremoany. I don’t suppose YOU know anything about that, do you?"

"That’s what I thought. Sigh… Judi.. Can you even comprehend the MESS it made in my living room? There’s not enough cat litter in the Universe to handle something like that. And speaking of cats, mine’s going to need therapy BIG TIME after Princess Poo here played cat box bingo this a.m.!!"

"Uhh.. her name is Princess Moo.." judi said helpfully.

"WHATEVER! Oh.. and just in case you don’t know this already.. I am NOT putting that outfit on." Lu crossed her arms stubbornly.

"But Luoodles!" judi said slyly. "Haven’t your heard? HARM is going to be a cowBOY! And you can be his cowGIRL!"

"What? Are you sure?" asked Lu, instantly becoming more interested.

"Oh absolutely. Now.. I’ve heard that you used to be QUITE the rider in your day! Why don’t you show off some of your stuff from the back of your trusty steed, “Princess Moo.”

"Trusty steed 'Moo'??? The COW?! Oh.. You’ve got to be kidding me. I’m not riding that thing!"

"But Lu! Remember your youth? You know… YEEE HAAWWW and all that. PLUS, you’ll have plenty of time to do all SORTS of tricks. Look how SLOW she moves. It’ll be perfect! And as your last trick you can LEAP from the cow’s back into the waiting arms of Harmkins. Then you and he can ride off into the sunset together! Whatdaya say?!" judi knew how to play Lu like a fiddle.

"I say saddle up that DOGGIE!" Lu screamed as she stripped and threw on the COWgirl outfit.

"Let's here it for the chorus," judi said as she walked back out on stage. "For our next act we have a special treat! Our very own Lu is going to amaze us with trick riding! May I present Luoodles and Princess Moo!!"

The curtain rose and a hush fell over the audience as a cow began to plod across the stage chewing its cud, it's bell clanging.

Michelle looked up in disbelief. Leaping to her feet she began screaming, “That’s MY cow! That woman STOLE my COW!!!” Two security guards discreetly drug her from the audience as judi popped two more Excedrin.

Oblivious of Michy’s disturbance Luoodles waved to the crowd and then stood up on the cow's back, wobbling on one foot as it meandered across the stage. Encouraged by the wide eyed wonder of the crowd she dropped down into the saddle once before lifting herself up on her arms and swinging her legs in mighty circles as the cow looked back at her disinterestedly. Deciding for a big finish, she balanced herself on her head and was halfway up into a headstand when Harmkins rode up on his Mighty Stallion. The crowd went wild at the sight of Harmipoo. Cameras flashed all over the auditorium, startling Miss Moo who abruptly went nuts, galloping around the stage in a mad, desperate attempt to escape the blinding lights. Finally it leapt from the stage and went bawling down the aisle and out onto the street, Lu wrapped around it’s neck like a bandana. The curtain came down on a startled Harm and his horse as judi hurried back out onto the stage.

"Don't worry folks, Lu is fine. Princess Moo spotted Michelle across the parking lot and made a beeline for her…~cough~...ANYWAY…for our next act we have …" judi stopped as a woman, looking kinda like Barbie on steroids, strode across the stage tugging along two little girls clad in “GO NAVY” jammies.

The woman, dressed in a thick, purple spa-type robe, had huge HUGE pink curlers in her thinning hair and some icky looking slime on her face. On her feet were these enormous furry Garfield slippers that scuffed as she walked. In her left hand she carried a massive boom box, like the kind that rappers carry.

“Oh, Harmmmmyyyy!” she sang out, a smile cracking through the junk on her face. “Where are you Harmykins?”

The girls held each other’s hand, with the younger one sucking her thumb and cuddling a blankie and an orange Tigger.

“Mommy’s at it again,” the older one whispered into her sister’s ear, “I can’t believe she’s making us help too.”

The younger one pulled her thumb out of her mouth just long enough to ask her sister, “Is she still sweepin?” then immediately stuck her thumb back into place as she hung onto her Tigger for dear life.

“Yup. She’s sleeping,” the older one said, adding, “I hope she doesn’t sing this time!”

The younger one shuddered and grabbed hold of her sister’s arm crying, “I wanna go home! Where’s Daddy?”

“I dunno,” the older girl said, shrugging her shoulders, “I heard Mommy say something about a closet.”

Amidst the throng of women sat Pretz and CatMom, noticing immediately through the gunk on the woman’s face, that it was CharS.

“Oh . . . My. . . GOSH!” gasped Pretz, “She’s sleepwalking again! And she’s brought the kids this time!”

“THIS could get ugly. Where's Sarahsue? We're gonna need her help,” CatMom whispered.

“Ugly? THAT’s an understatement! I'll go find her. I think she was Lu' s stunt double for the cow act.” Pretz gasped as she hurried away and tried to shield her eyes from the bizarre scene unfolding on the stage in front of the crowd.

CatMom whipped out a cell phone and dialed the local psych ward, “Um, Doctor? We’ve got a problem. You better get your tushy here pronto! Yup, she’s at it again, and bring the stun gun this time!”

Meanwhile up on the stage, CharS had set the boom box down and tugged the hands of her two little girls, bringing them into the center of the stage. She tapped the microphone, causing it to squeal as she shouted into it, “IS THIS THING ON???”

The crowd covered their ears and cringed at the horrendous noise. CatMom tried to sneak backstage, knowing what the crowd was in store for.

“Mememememe!!!!!!!” CharS sung into the mic, then clearing her throat with a loud GACK! She turned around and whispered something to the older child. The girl gingerly stepped forward and set the boom box down at her mother’s feet and then quickly retreated to where her sister stood. Both girls stuck their fingers in their ears and squeezed their eyes shut, trembling.

Cece sat there shocked at what she was seeing. She whispered to Harm, who had returned to his seat and was still wearing his Cowboy outfit much to her delight, “Um, is this part of the show?”

All Harm could do was shake his head no, afraid to open his mouth for fear that the scream building up inside him would let loose!

CharS bent over and pressed play on the box, her bosom nearly tumbling out of nightshirt she wore under the robe, causing the crowd to gasp in horror. She then stood up and grasped the microphone. Pointing out into the audience with her right hand as the music began to swell, she cried out in a loud screeching voice,

“Harmykins, this one’s for you!!!!!!”

She closed her eyes and put her mouth up to the microphone and began to sing—grossly out of tune. Actually, her singing was a lot like fingernails on a chalkboard.

“Soooo many nights. . . . I sit by my window . . . . waiting for someone . . . .”

Somewhere in the back of the auditorium a scream filled the air. As the crowd turned around to see what the commotion was, they saw Dancer and Heather running from the room, covering their ears.

Suddenly, to the right of the stage CatMom, Pretz and Sarahsue appeared with wads of cotton sticking out of their ears. A doctor followed closely behind, a huge stun gun crackling in his left hand and a syringe in his right.

Judi tried to quiet the murmuring crowd as they watched Char being lead away, "It's ok folks--she won't remember any of this when she wakes up!! As I was saying--for our next act we have two lovely sisters who wanted to do something culturally uplifting in honor of our Champion of Culture Cece—so without further ado—I give you Mag and Mary performing a ballet they choreographed themselves—Oh-- just a minute.. I’ve just received word they’re not QUITE ready yet—Umm-- Let me check on them. Be right back, Ladies and Gents.

judi stepped back behind curtain to find Mag and Mary in a heated debate…
"Look, Mary.. There are two sets of tights but only ONE tutu. I get the tutu."
"Oh no you don’t. I’M not being the guy! YOU be the guy."
"I’m not going to be the guy. How embarrassing. YOU be the guy."
"Look. I’m not ABOUT to heft YOU over MY head. YOU be the guy!"
"Are you insinuating I weigh more then you?"
"Look.. I just know what I saw at Easter.. All those empty bags of candy ….”
"What?!"
"I can still smell the chocolate on your breath!"
"Gasp! You can not!"
"Almond Joys!"
"I didn’t TOUCH them"
"Right…. Oh look! Was that a shock tremor in my water glass? Do another plie so I can check".
"Gasp!.... You.. you... BRAT! You were ALWAYS mother’s FAVORITE! … SLAP!"
"OW! Hey! SLAP!"
Suddenly both women fall thru curtain, unaware that they were now on stage….
"Ow! YANK!"
"My HAIR! WITCH!"
"Oooff!"
"Gack!"
judi rolled her eyes, pulled a handle and they both fell through the stage trap door—
Cece turned to apologize to Harm for the outlandish behavior of the two women but he was standing up applauding with gusto. "Nothing like a good cat fight!!" he said as he sat back down beside her. His beeper went off again and before she knew it he had disappeared backstage once more.
As soon as he got backstage manette started chasing Harm around in circles. judi hurried over to see what the commotion was about.
" JUUUDI—Harm won't let me see his BALLS!!! I keep asking him but he's scared." judi looked at manette like she had lost her mind as Harm hurried to cower behind the RDOL. "I keep telling him that I am just going to JUGGLE them with my feet. I can BOUNCE them from my feet to my thighs off my chest and back down to my feet without ever letting them HIT the ground." manette said proudly. "I'm VERY good!! I've had years of practice and I hardly EVER step on them anymore, except when I'm getting started—then I step on a BALL, ROLL it with my foot so that I can FLIP it into the air! I've only SQUASHED two BALLS in the last few days. I even have a trick where I can KICK his BALLS in the air and catch them on the back of my neck and then BOUNCE them back off and CATCH them on my foot again. I mean I could use someone else's BALLS, but since it is Cece's birthday I thought it would be really SPECIAL if I could juggle HARM'S BALLS for her…." He whimpered from behind judi as manette walked over to him and then reached past him and grabbed a soccer ball out of the bag that was sitting on the ground beside him…."I never realized you were such a BABY, Harm!!" manette said as she stomped off in a huff. "So much for the big brave pilot--."

Harm hid behind judi until she had disappeared. "It's ok, Harm. She's gone—you're safe. Now listen, get ready to help Abby with her act—Oh and would you mind grabbing her chain saw on your way onstage?" judi didn't notice his horrified expression as she patted his cheek and hurried out to introduce the next act…The natives were getting restless.

"I give you Abby and her wonderful world of ice sculpture!!"

Abby walked out onto stage dragging a huge hunk of ice behind her. She waved to the crowd and announced—"In honor of Cece's birthday I will now carve an ice sculpture of our very own Harm!! And as a special surprise he has agreed to model for us!!!!"

All of the women in the audience gasped as he stepped out on stage. He was wearing nothing but boxers and a game smile as he handed Abby her chain saw. She revved it up and ice started flying everywhere. The women oohed and ahhed and then started fanning themselves ferociously. The combined power surge of hundreds of female hot flashes soon had the temperature soaring to 110 degrees. Sweat started pouring off of bare chested Harm and the women were swooning at the sight. Abby carved away at the dwindling hunk of ice trying to capture Harmy in all his glory, but soon…. a lonely lump of ice was all that remained unmelted…Desperate to save her act she was suddenly struck by inspiration. She turned to face the audience with a flourish and said, "Ladies—I give you—Harmo Erectus!!!" Thunderous applause erupted even as harmo melted and dripped off the table. Sweaty but bewildered, Harm waved to the hot happy crowd and disappeared backstage.

Judi walked on to the stage and said, "This next act is very special, because one of our very reluctant posters has made a special request. Lauri wants to recite a poem just for Cece."

Lauri walked shyly out onto stage—she walked over to the microphone and dug one toe into the ground as she said demurely…..

"Trees by Joyce Kilmer as recited by Lauri—, Cece!

I think that I shall never see
A poem as lovely as a tre…She suddenly spied Harm who had just retaken his seat beside Cecilia...HARM!!!!

She launched herself off the stage landing in his lap as she continued to recite the poem--

A HARM whose hungry mouth is pressed
Against my sweet and flowing breast

"Lauri—behave yourself!!" Cece tried to pull the woman off of Harm's lap.

A HARM that looks at me all day
And lifts his beefy arms to pick me up and carry me away!!!!!

A HARM that may in Summer wear
His whites or boxers—I don't care

Lauri locked her arms around Harm's neck and held on for dear life.

Upon my bosom he has lain
And licked me like a candy cane

HARM was made for fools like me
And Cece can't have him even if it is her birthday—So get away, you hussy!!!!

Cece, not being one to resort to physical violence, began to pout. "It's my birthday, Harmy…Do something!!"

Harm reached over and ran a thumb across Cece's check- as he was won't to do- then he stood up with Lauri still attached and assured Cecilia that he would be right back.

Meanwhile judi had been dealing with another problem backstage. She had come upon Crossy all upset, sitting in the middle of some really big top hats. "What's going on?"

"Oh, judi-- I don't know WHAT to do. I had Tiner, AJ, Gunny, Webb, Bud and Sturgis all lined up to do the Navel Whistler act and they heard manette was KICKING people in the balls, and they all ran out of here screaming. I don't have TIME to find replacements."

"We'll just have to fill in for them—no one will know the difference—the hats will cover their faces." Judi decided. "Go grab Cathy F, Brigette, Matou, Cindy B and Spud—tell them to get in here on the double."

"All right girls"—she told them when they gathered around. "We HAVE to pitch in and SAVE the show for Cece's sake. See these big hats? Well stick your arms up inside them and pull them over your heads—See they have peepholes. Then we will draw lips around your belly buttons and a nose on your stomach and eyes on your chest and you will look like you are whistling! It will be great—All you have to do is stand there and wiggle a little bit."

"judi—there is only one problem. When men do this, you draw the eyes on their chests" Cathy F said patiently.

"So?" judi was struggling to put a hat on a squirming Cindy B.

"Well, we have boobies—No one is drawing eyeballs on my boobies!!!" Spud crossed both arms across her chest protectively.

"Harm can draw on my boobies!" Crossy declared excitedly

"The googly-eyed Navel Whistlers—"added Brigitte jiggling as she jumped up and down.

"No way—We'll look like the saggy, bug eyed Navel Whistlers!!" Matou yelled.

"Ok," judi said quickly. "Start getting ready. I'll think of something." She ran off to the handy wardrobe room and came back and threw something at the women. "Put these on and I will stall for time with my act while you are getting ready—just give me a signal when you're ready."

Judi ran out on stage and said nervously—"Well there has been another short delay—
BUT—I wanted to do something special for Cece's birthday too and since I'm not creative like the rest of you. I thought I'd do the only thing I know how to do – code!!!

We will start with Computer Programming Lesson 69. Ok, I skipped 1 through 68, so sue me!
Now down to business. In honor of my protégé, Cece, we are going to learn how to write a simple computer program. Now what you must understand is that Cece didn’t know much about how computers work when we met and well, I knew nothing about real English. Now every other word out of my mouth is bugger and she's talking bits, bytes and nibbles –

But she recently had a setback. Don’t ask her about the time she thought her computer died and she called me all the way from Vancouver and I told her to check the plug. Cor Blimey Governor! it worked !!! LOL Boy was she cheesed off that it was just the bloody plug. Sod it!!! But in reality it was – FM. That’s a technical term which means - fine magic. (I bet Michelle and Techie know this one.)

We are going to write the program in pseudocode. Pseudocode is an outting (bugger all!) outline of a program written in a form that can easily be converted into real programming statements So the computer can’t read this but y’all will understand it. So here goes:

All programs have variables defanged (oh blimey, I mistyped) defined. Variables are vultures (sod it, that's not right) values that can change depending on conditions. This is the mean (I can't bloody well type) main part of the program. If you branch to a function, when the function is finished, you return to main. So let us first define a variable called HarmsClothes.

Main
Define HarmsClothes as text

** Now we’ll use HarmsClothes in an IF THEN statement. This gives choices to the user. Forever instance:

IF HarmsClothes = DressWhites
THEN GOTO Em_Jay
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = Boxers
THEN GOTO Shell
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = NULL
THEN GOTO Trish OR Abby
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = Shorts
THEN GOTO RDOL
ELSE
IF HarmsClothes = chocolate
THEN GOTO CatMom OR CQ
IF HarmsClothes = TrenchCoat
THEN GOTO Cece
ELSE
GOTO AllHarmyBoarders ** If all condi fails, then take a donnybrook at the HarmyBoard
END IF

End Main *** Bugger off

Each of the GOTOs tell you to go to a particular FUNCTION. So in the case of Cece, it will go to a function called Cece. Also, in this function, you will learn about loops. That's where the same action repeats itself for however long you tell it to, using i as the counter. Remember that when you enter the function that HarmsClothes means TrenchCoat.

Cece
DEFINE BritTart AS TYPE CanadianHussy
DEFINE Nookie AS TYPE HotMonkeySex
DEFINE Harm AS TYPE Stud

FOR i = 1 to 100 ** This action will be performed 100 times.
HarmsClothes = null ** I have changed HarmsClothes to nothing
MOVE Harm to BritTart
Nookie = Harm + BritTart
NEXT i ** add 1 to i
Loop
END FUNCTION ** Return to main part of the program

Also, you've got to be careful of an endless loop. That's where i never gets to 100 and the loop goes on forever which I'm sure what Cece would prefer. LOL Of course, Harm would be gobsmacked that Cec can keep up with him.

So now y'all have your computer lesson and if you understood any of this, you are now a certifiable HarmyNerd or a BarmyHarmy. Oh BTW, to be a programmer, you must drink coffee and lots of it. Some can get away with spot of tea or coke, but not many. If someone bothers you while you're getting your caffeine fix, tell them to put a sock in it! Thank you and I hope you have learned a lot!"
The audience was transfixed, not that they understood a word judi was saying, but with that crowd if you used the word Harm, no clothes, nookie and Hot Monkey Sex you could keep their attention for hours.
Suddenly judi got the signal from off stage that the Whistlers were ready to take their places. "Ok ladies- it is now time for our next act."
The curtain opened to reveal the women wearing giant top hats covering their faces, black sports bras over their boobs and red lipstick on their navels. They marched and wiggled to the tune of The Bridge on the River as judi announced, "I give you the blindfolded Navel Whistlers!!"
(whistling emoticons)

Cece was still pouting, while she watched the whistlers, but she cheered up when Harm returned sans Lauri. He settled in beside her and took her hand once more.

The whistlers were onstage whistling while backstage Mz. Bob, Trish, judi, Shell, Tracy, manette and the visiting honorary Texas Tart CB, dressed in sequined dresses and impossibly high heels, were talking all at once. They were not happy.

"A kick line?!" Tracy grumbled.

"We can’t do a kick line! I can't even walk in these shoes-- " Shell moaned as she wobbled around in small circles.

"Who’s idea WAS this anyway? Can’t we do something ELSE?" Everyone looked at judi.

"Like WHAT? Tell me what talent anyone here has!" judi asked pointedly.

Trish frantically waved her hand in air, "OOOO!!!! OOOOO!!!!"

"That we won’t be arrested for!" judi said as she put her hands on her hips.

"Ohhh—ummm--never mind," Trish mumbled.

"Exactly. Now shut up and get… WHAT is that SMELL??!!! Oh gee… MZ Bob! Are you wearing Ben Gay? Ladies.. sigh.. we are TRYING to exude YOUTHFUL exuberance! Now get with the PROGRAM! Somebody raise the curtain! Ready?! And…."

"WAIT!!!!"

"What? NOW?!!! Hold the curtain! Sigh.. What is it, Shell?"

"Where’s Harm? Judi, YOU said Harm would be here. YOU said …"

"He’s in the audience."

"He’s in the audience? WHERE?"

The curtain went up as the sound of CanCan music filled the hall.

"We’re on! Go! Go! Go! One… Two… Three.. KICK!"

"Where’s Harm? Pant! Pant! KICK! Tracy! Do you see him? Two.. three.. KICK!"

"OW!!! Hey! Watch it, CB! Three.. KICK!"

"My eye! My eye! KICK! Where’s Harm? Two.. three… I don’t see him. KICK! Mz. Bob! Can you see Har…KICK! Owwwww…."

Oh.. I think I HURT myself…. RIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!! Ut Oh .. there goes the Birthday banner. Two.. three… KICK! Shell’s not going to like that. She stayed up all night piecing this thing together…two.. three.. KICK!"

"Who cares.. Where’s HARM?!! "

"One .. two…. Oh man.. I’m getting tired… three KICK! Wait! I think I see him! Oh my GOSH! There he IS!!!! GEEEEETTTTT HIMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!"

With their arms still wrapped around each other's shoulders they rushed to the front of the stage toward Harmkins. Suddenly, simultaneous calf cramps did them in. They tripped over their high heels and started falling like dominoes. Soon they were just a tangled mass of moaning, groaning sequins.

judi crawled out from under the pile and watched them flop around like fish out of water. It was obvious that they couldn't get up so she pulled the lever on the trap door. The floor dropped out from under them, and they rolled out into the back parking lot.

The audience, thinking it was the big finale, stood and gave them an earth-shaking ovation as they disappeared from view.

The Texas Tarts scraped themselves off the concrete and looked around the back parking lot. It was filled with the tattered and torn Harmyboard acts—They were all tired but happy. They knew that they had given their all to honor Cece. The bruised and battered bunch looked up in time to see Harm as he carried Cece out of the theatre and dropped her into his corvette. It started with one lone voice but soon the Harmyville night was filled with song---and as the happy couple drove away they could hear---

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR CECE!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOOUU!"

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The Duck Board -- asdf, 14:41:51 05/10/03 Sat
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Dear Jack, -- okj[', 22:19:41 04/27/03 Sun
I�m writing to let you know that those so called Security Guards at your studio have some SERIOUS anger management issues! Who hires these people anyway?! Do you know what they did to poor LU? I�m still trying to put my hair out! Anyway, I�m sure you had no knowledge of their actions, and now that you do will be firing them post haste. Whilst you�re at it, would you be so kind to zat them? Yes, dear. Tell them it�s from Lu. Thanks.

Now, let�s put this little incident behind us, shall we? Tell me, have you had time to take a peek a loo at the board?? Oh we�ve had MANY happenings! Yes we do! O.k. well� not MANY but.. you know.. QUALITY over QUANTITY I always say ~cough~. ANYWAY, Sweet has come out of lurkdom and actually stuck around. No really! It�s true! And I�m not black mailing her or ANYTHING! Also, Frances shows up now and again.. Oh, btw she keeps bugging me to ask you to hook her up with �Q.� Sigh.. well you know.. she�s one of those �BLAdies� from the Alien�s board. You just can�t account for those folk. Speaking of the Alien, have you had any luck finding her? I was thinking she might turn up on that planet with those giant bugs.. Btw.. I hope none were her relations! She�s got a fierce temper. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that since I�m having so much trouble getting in at the front gate, I�ve decided to find a alternate entrance. I thought that way I could sort of .. you know.. surprise you! Yes! I know! I just have SO MANY good ideas! Well.. I really must run! But I�ll write again soon! Tuoodles!

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asdf -- asdf, 22:11:06 04/27/03 Sun
Dear Jack, I�m writing to let you know that those so called Security Guards at your studio have some SERIOUS issues! Who hires these people anyway?! Do you know what they did to poor LU? I�m still trying to put my hair out! Anyway, I�m sure you had no knowledge of their actions, and now that you do will be firing them post haste. Whilst you�re at it, would you be so kind to zat them? Yes, dear. Tell them it�s from Lu. Thanks. Now, let�s put this little incident behind us, shall we? Have you had time to take a peek a loo at the board?? Oh we have MANY happenings here! Yes we do! O.k. well� not MANY but.. you know.. QUALITY over QUANTITY I always say ~cough~. ANYWAY, Sweet has come out of lurkdom and actually stuck around. No really! It�s true! And I�m not black mailing her or ANYTHING! Also, Frances shows up now and again.. Oh, btw she keeps bugging me to ask you to hook her up with �Q.� Sigh.. well you know.. she�s one of those �BLAdies� from the Alien�s board. You just can�t account for these folk. Speaking of the Alien, have you had any luck? I was thinking she might turn up on that planet with those giant bugs.. Btw.. I hope none were her relations! She�s got a fierce temper. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that since I�m having so much trouble getting in at the front gate, I�ve decided to find a alternate entrance. I thought that way I could sort of .. you know.. surprise you! Yes! I know! I just have SO MANY good ideas! Well.. I really must run! But I�ll write again soon! Tuoodles!

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j;lk -- klj;lk, 00:07:31 04/27/03 Sun
Dear Jack,

Just writing to let you know how the board is going. You know.. the one the Alien gave me just before she left town? Btw, have you seen her in any of your travels? Green hair.. Velcro features? She looks sort of like this.. only with hair and two eyes. Let me know, o.k? Anyway... We�ve been around just about a month now and though we don�t get a lot of posters, we�ve had nearly 6,000 hits. Not too bad for an unadvertised board. I have no idea why people won�t post. I suppose they�re afraid someone will make them color something. ~cough~ Oh.. speaking of HTML.. you should SEE what I can DO! Woo Hoo!! Oh my lands, your face is plastered all OVER the place! Yes! It�s true! Oh.. and your old friend KatRose is here, too! Don�t worry. I won�t let her loose in any hallways with you. I was told about that unfortunate �incident� you had with her. You poor dear.. it must have been so frightening what with the woman anchoring herself in the hallway with you like that! Honestly, some people just don�t know how to behave! Oh.. and we also have Pretzel! Turns out she knows ALL about Hockey. I�ll have to introduce you someday.. right after I introduce ME. You know.. those Security fellas they have at the studio can be so stuborn. I have tried and tried and tried but they STILL won�t let me in. However, I do think I�m making progress as last time they said if I came back again they were going to use the tazer!. Up �til then I had pegged those boys to be a fairly humorless lot, but they turned down right jovial at THAT idea. I assume �tazer� is some sort of Security code word for Elevator?? Anyway, I can�t WAIT! Well, must run, but I�ll be writing again soon with another update. Tuoodles!

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asdf -- asdf, 00:03:48 04/27/03 Sun
Dear Jack,

Just writing to let you know how the board is going. You know.. the one the Alien gave me just before she left town? Btw, have you seen her in any of your travels? Green hair.. Velcro features? She looks sort of like this.. only with hair and two eyes. Let me know, o.k? Anyway... We�ve been around just about a month now and though we don�t get a lot of posters, we�ve had nearly 6,000 hits. Not too bad for an unadvertised board. I have no idea why people won�t post. I suppose they�re afraid someone will make them color something. ~cough~ Oh.. speaking of HTML.. you should SEE what I can DO! Woo Hoo!! Oh my lands, your face is plastered all OVER the place! Yes! It�s true! Oh.. and your old friend KatRose is here, too! Don�t worry. I won�t let her loose in any hallways with you. I was told about that unfortunate �incident� you had with her. Honestly, some people just don�t know how to behave! You poor dear.. it must have been so frightening what with the woman anchoring herself in the hallway with you like that! Oh.. and we also have Pretzel! Turns out she knows ALL about Hockey. I�ll have to introduce you someday.. right after I introduce ME. You know.. those Security fellas they have at the studio can be so stuborn. I have tried and tried and tried but they STILL won�t let me in. However, I do think I�m making progress as last time they said if I came back again they were going to use the tazer!. That must be security guard code for elevator or something, right? Up �til then I had pegged those boys to be a fairly humorless lot, but they certainly seemed jovial at THAT idea. I assume �tazer� is some sort of Security code word for Elevator?? Anyway, I can�t WAIT! Well, must run, but I�ll be writing again soon with another update. Tuoodles!

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hlkjh -- kljl, 23:51:55 04/26/03 Sat
Dear Jack,

Just writing to let you know how the board is going. You know.. the one the Alien gave me just before she left town? Btw, have you seen her in any of your travels? Green hair.. Velcro features? She looks sort of like this.. only with hair and two eyes. Let me know, o.k? Anyway... We�ve been around just about a month now and though we don�t get a lot of posters, we�ve had nearly 6,000 hits. Not too bad for an unadvertised board. I have no idea why people won�t post. I suppose they�re afraid someone will make them color something. ~cough~ Oh.. speaking of HTML.. you should SEE what I can DO! Woo Hoo!! Oh my lands, your face is plastered all OVER the place! Yes! It�s true! Oh.. and your old friend KatRose is here, too! Don�t worry. I won�t let her loose in any hallways with you. I was told about that unfortunate �incident� you had with her. Honestly, some people just don�t know how to behave! You poor dear.. it must have been so frightening what with the woman anchoring herself in the hallway with you like that! I of course would be the model of decorum in such a situation! Oh.. and we also have Pretzel! Turns out she knows ALL about Hockey. I�ll have to introduce you someday.. right after I introduce ME. You know.. those Security fella�s they have at the studio can be so humorless. I have tried and tried and tried but they STILL won�t let me in. However, I do think I�m making progress as last time they said if I came back again they were going to use the tazer!. That must be security guard code for elevator or something, right? Ooooo! Can�t WAIT! Well, must run, but I�ll be writing again soon with another update. Tuoodles!

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sdf -- asdf, 00:12:12 04/24/03 Thu

HOW TO POST ON THIS MESSAGE BOARD

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sdf -- sdf, 12:34:52 04/21/03 Mon
HOW TO POST ON THIS MESSAGE BOARD:
To respond to a new post, click [Post a Reply to This Message] To respond to someone else’s response, place your cursor over their thread & click. Go to, Post a reply to this message: In * Message subject (required): type your response. In * Name (required): type a name. In E-mail address (optional): type your e-mail address. This is OPTIONAL. In * Type your message here: Type your response here if you want people to have to CLICK on your post to read it. Otherwise leave this blank & post your reply in * Message subject (required): as mentioned above. Then go to, Choose Message Icon: Click on [View Emoticons] Choose or leave on “none.” Click Send. Click [Main index] .
To create an original new post (highly encouraged! LOL!) On the main page above the Welcome Banner, click [Post a new message] Fill in, Post a reply to this message: Self explanatory.

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dsf -- sdf, 12:31:52 04/21/03 Mon
HOW TO POST ON THIS MESSAGE BOARD:
To respond to a new post, click [ Post a Reply to This Message ] To respond to someone else’s response, place your cursor over their thread & click. Go to, Post a reply to this message: In * Message subject (required): type your response. In * Name (required): type a name. In E-mail address (optional): type your e-mail address. This is OPTIONAL. In * Type your message here: Type your response here if you want people to have to CLICK on your post to read it. Otherwise leave this blank & post your reply in * Message subject (required): as mentioned above. Then go to, Choose Message Icon: Click on [ View Emoticons ] Choose or leave on “none.” Click Send. Click [ Main index ] .
To create an original new post (highly encouraged! LOL!) On the main page above the Welcome Banner, click [ Post a new message ] Fill in, Post a reply to this message: it’s self explanatory.

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sadf -- asdf, 12:24:58 04/21/03 Mon
HOW TO POST ON THIS MESSAGE BOARD:
To respond to a new post, click on [ Post a Reply to This Message ] To respond to someone else�s response, place your cursor over their thread & click. Go to, Post a reply to this message: In * Message subject (required): type your response. In * Name (required): type a name. In E-mail address (optional): type your e-mail address. This is OPTIONAL. In * Type your message here: Type your response if you want it to show up INSIDE. That is.. if you want people to have to CLICK on your post to read it. Otherwise leave this blank & post your reply in * Message subject (required): as mentioned above. Then go to, Choose Message Icon: Click on [ View Emoticons ] Choose or leave on �none.� Click Send. Click [ Main index ] .
To create an original new post (highly encouraged! LOL!) On the main page above the Welcome Banner, click [ Post a new message ] Fill in, Post a reply to this message: it�s self explanatory.

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asdf -- asdf, 12:23:00 04/21/03 Mon
HOW TO POST ON THIS MESSAGE BOARD:
To respond to a new post, click on [ Post a Reply to This Message ] To respond to someone else�s response, place your cursor over their thread & click. Go to, Post a reply to this message: In * Message subject (required): type your response. In * Name (required): type a name. In E-mail address (optional): type your e-mail address. This is OPTIONAL. In * Type your message here: Type your response if you want it to show up INSIDE. That is.. if you want people to have to CLICK on your post to read it. Otherwise leave this blank & post your reply in * Message subject (required): as mentioned above. Then go to, Choose Message Icon: Click on [ View Emoticons ] Choose or leave on �none.� Click Send. Click [ Main index ] .
To create an original new post (highly encouraged! LOL!) On the main page above the Welcome Banner, click [ Post a new message ] Fill in, Post a reply to this message: it�s self explanatory.

[ Edit | View ]
asdf -- sadf, 12:17:50 04/21/03 Mon
HOW TO POST ON THIS MESSAGE BOARD:
To respond to a new post, click on [ Post a Reply to This Message ] To respond to someone else’s response, place your cursor over their thread & click. Page down to, Post a reply to this message: In * Message subject (required): type your response. In * Name (required): type a name. In E-mail address (optional): type your e-mail address. This is OPTIONAL. In * Type your message here: Type your response if you want it to show up INSIDE. That is.. if you want people to have to CLICK on your post to read it. Otherwise leave this blank & post your reply in * Message subject (required): as mentioned above. Then go to, Choose Message Icon: Click on [ View Emoticons ] Choose or leave on “none.” Click Send. Click [ Main index ] .
To create an original new post (highly encouraged! LOL!) On the main page above the Welcome Banner, click [ Post a new message ] Fill in, Post a reply to this message: it’s self explanatory.

[ Edit | View ]
asdf -- asdf, 12:15:20 04/21/03 Mon
HOW TO POST ON THIS MESSAGE BOARD:
To respond to a new post, click on [ Post a Reply to This Message ] To respond to someone else�s response, place your cursor over their thread and left click. Page down to, Post a reply to this message: In * Message subject (required): type your response. In * Name (required): type a name. In E-mail address (optional): type your e-mail address. This is OPTIONAL. In * Type your message here: Type your response if you want it to show up INSIDE. That is.. if you want people to have to CLICK on your post to read it. Otherwise leave this blank and post your reply in * Message subject (required): as mentioned above. Then go to, Choose Message Icon: Click on [ View Emoticons ] Choose or leave on �none.� Click Send. Click [ Main index ] .
To create an original new post (highly encouraged! LOL!) On the main page above the Welcome Banner, click [ Post a new message ] Fill in, Post a reply to this message: it�s self explanatory.

[ Edit | View ]
asdf -- asdf, 12:08:46 04/21/03 Mon
HOW TO POST ON THIS MESSAGE BOARD:
To respond to an original (new) post, left click on [ Post a Reply to This Message ] To respond to someone else�s response/thread, place your cursor over their thread and left click. Page down until you see a box that says, Post a reply to this message: In the rectangle, * Message subject (required): type your response. In the rectangle, * Name (required): type a name. In the rectangle, E-mail address (optional): type your e-mail address. This is OPTIONAL. In the large rectangl, * Type your message here: Type your response here if you want it to show up INSIDE. That is.. if you want people to have to CLICK on your post to read it. Otherwise leave this blank and post your reply in the rectangle, * Message subject (required): as mentioned above. Go to, Choose Message Icon: Click on [ View Emoticons ] Choose an emoticon or leave on �none.� Click Send. Click [ Main index ] .
To create/start an original new post (highly encouraged! LOL!) On the main page just above the Welcome Banner, click [ Post a new message ] Fill in, Post a reply to this message: it�s self explanatory.

[ Edit | View ]
asdf -- asdf, 11:56:23 04/21/03 Mon
HOW TO POST ON THIS MESSAGE BOARD:

To respond to an original (new) post, left click on [ Post a Reply to This Message ] To respond to someone else�s response/thread, place your cursor over their thread and left click. A new page will appear. Page down until you see the box that says, Post a reply to this message: In the rectangle that says, * Message subject (required): type your response. In the rectangle that says, * Name (required): type any name you�d like to use. In the rectangle that says, E-mail address (optional): type your e-mail address. This is NOT necessary and you most certainly do not need to fill it out. I use this only when I specifically want e-mail replies to my post. In the large rectangle that says, * Type your message here: Type your response if you want it to show up INSIDE. That is.. if you want people to have to CLICK on your post to read it. Otherwise leave this blank and post your reply in the rectangle that says, * Message subject (required): as I mentioned above. Then go down to, Choose Message Icon: Click on [ View Emoticons ] Choose an emoticon or leave on �none.� Left click on Send. Your message will be sent. Then click on [ Main index ] and you will be taken back to the main page.

To create/start an original new post (highly encouraged! LOL!) On the main page just above the Welcome Banner, click on [ Post a new message ] A box will come up that says, Post a reply to this message: Just fill out the blocks, it�s self explanatory.

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-- adf, 11:54:07 04/21/03 Mon
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asdf -- dsf, 11:52:23 04/21/03 Mon
HOW TO POST ON THIS MESSAGE BOARD:

To respond to an original (new) post, left click on [ Post a Reply to This Message ] To respond to someone else’s response/thread, place your cursor over their thread and left click. A new page will appear. Page down until you see the box that says, Post a reply to this message: In the rectangle that says, * Message subject (required): type your response. In the rectangle that says, * Name (required): type any name you’d like to use. In the rectangle that says, E-mail address (optional): type your e-mail address. This is NOT necessary and you most certainly do not need to fill it out. I use this only when I specifically want e-mail replies to my post. In the large rectangle that says, * Type your message here: Type your response if you want it to show up INSIDE. That is.. if you want people to have to CLICK on your post to read it. Otherwise leave this blank and post your reply in the rectangle that says, * Message subject (required): as I mentioned above. Then go down to, Choose Message Icon: Click on [ View Emoticons ] Choose an emoticon or leave on “none.” Left click on Send. Your message will be sent. Then click on [ Main index ] and you will be taken back to the main page.

To create/start an original new post (highly encouraged! LOL!) On the main page just above the Welcome Banner, click on [ Post a new message ] A box will come up that says, Post a reply to this message: Just fill out the blocks, it’s self explanatory.

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sdfa -- asdfa, 21:08:37 04/20/03 Sun

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asdf -- adsf, 16:36:20 04/20/03 Sun

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asdf -- df, 14:19:42 04/17/03 Thu
http://image1ex.villagephotos.com/pubimage.asp?id_=2218960

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asdf -- asdf, 23:45:40 04/11/03 Fri

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asdf -- sadf, 23:43:52 04/11/03 Fri

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asdf -- asdf, 23:42:42 04/11/03 Fri

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asdf -- asdf, 23:31:01 04/11/03 Fri

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adsf -- dsf, 23:29:38 04/11/03 Fri

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Apparently it worked this time that I put all the color definition in one line. You should be able to break them. Please let me know if you have any questions. -- Rosie, 15:33:47 04/09/03 Wed
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-- No name, 22:02:20 04/07/03 Mon
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adf -- adsf, 21:57:31 04/07/03 Mon
IIIIIIIIII LoveAParade!!!!!

Woo hooooo!!!!

to the board, Sweet!!!

You�re not in Kansas anymore!!!!!

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asdf -- asdf, 21:55:01 04/07/03 Mon
IIIIIIIIII LoveAParade!!!!!
Woo hooooo!!!!
to the board, Sweet!!!

You�re not in Kansas anymore!!!!!

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adf -- asdf, 21:49:17 04/07/03 Mon
IIIIIIIIII LoveAParade!!!!! Woo hooooo!!!! to the board, Sweet!!!

You�re not in Kansas anymore!!!!!

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sftd -- sfdg, 21:45:51 04/07/03 Mon
IIIIIIIIII Love a parade!!!!! Woo hooooo!!!! Welcome to the board, Sweet!!!

You�re not in Kansas anymore!!!!!

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asdf -- adsf, 22:34:16 04/01/03 Tue

We finally have a new poster!
A wonderful poster indeed!
You�ll find she is a whiz of a Wiz
A whiz of a poster is she!

If ever, oh ever, a Wiz there was
This whiz of a poster is one because
Because because because because because.....
Because she actually posted that�s cause!

We finally have a new poster! A wonderful poster indeeeeeedddd!!!!!

WoooooHoooo!! O.k� No pressure or anything, Cavewoman! ~cough~ ROTFLOLOL!!!

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asdf -- adfs, 12:28:05 04/01/03 Tue
The addy is: http://www.voy.com/139604/. Or click on the ducky � Or.. you could just follow the tumbleweeds� LOL! Ahh.. the sound of silence�

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sadf -- asdf, 11:26:48 04/01/03 Tue

Somewhere over our Duckyboard Lurkers fly!

Lurkers fly over our Duckyboard,
Why are they all so shy?

Somewhere reading our Duckyboard Luoodles sighs

She knows new posters are out there
Why wont they come say, �Hi?�

You bashful little posters flying o�er our Duckyboard�.
Won�t you please stop by?

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adsfa -- adsf, 20:45:15 03/31/03 Mon
Well , Newbies, this is Luoodles, Newbies.
It's so nice to have you here where you belong.
Here all is well, Newbies,
Really swell, Newbies,
You�re here and now for certain�,
you're not goin� back.
You feel the room swayin
for now Harm�s sayin�
�You know the reason,� and �Won�t you come to me�eee�
So, golly gee, Harmkins,
find a Vacancy, Harmkins.
And Newbies'll never go away again!

Well , Newbies, this is Luoodles, Newbies.
With some things to know before you begin!
I am the Sane One, Newbies.
Beware the others, Newbies
Just smile and nod and then run
you�ll be doing swell.
I�ve got the tart gun, Newbies
Yes, I�m the smart one, Newbies
These nuts won�t catch me with all my poofing skills
So, stick with me, Newbies,
Stay away from CE E CE, Newbies,
The Harmy board is the place to be
The Harmy board is the place to be
The Harmy board is the place to be, you�ll see!

WELCOME

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sfdgsfd The DuckyBoard dfgasdf -- adf, 15:34:01 03/30/03 Sun
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hgdfgsThe DuckyBoardsfdg -- sdfg, 15:33:04 03/30/03 Sun
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trying again.... The DuckyBoard> -- adsf, 15:32:13 03/30/03 Sun
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Ok -- KatRose, 15:13:45 03/30/03 Sun
This is what you did in the original post at the RDA board:

<a href="www.rdanderson.com">Richard Dean Anderson's
Page</a>

When you hit return between "Anderson's" and "Page" it caused a break in the link. No problem with making the link work, just that it looks silly (and won't work when in subject lines).

I also told you wrong about the url info. Sorry. It should read:

<a href="http://www.rdanderson.com">Richard Dean Anderson's Page</a>

That'll get the link to the right location, not to some unknown sub-link of Voy (which, obviously, doesn't exist).

Sorry, Luoodles. Didn't mean to make you more confused.

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Richard Dean Anderson's -- asdf, 14:32:31 03/30/03 Sun
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Luisa's Richard Dean Anderson Forum -- sf, 14:31:06 03/30/03 Sun
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-- asdf, 10:51:38 03/30/03 Sun
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asdfasdf -- dsf, 10:36:55 03/30/03 Sun
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dasf theduckyboard adsfa -- asdf, 10:34:27 03/30/03 Sun
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fasdfad theduckyboard adsfadsf -- adsf, 10:31:59 03/30/03 Sun
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asdfasd theduckyboardasdfas -- asdf, 10:27:01 03/30/03 Sun
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afdsfads theduckyboardaadsfasdf -- asdf, 10:25:55 03/30/03 Sun
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TEST -- TEST, 10:23:47 03/30/03 Sun

theduckyboard

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adsf -- asdf, 22:36:28 03/22/03 Sat

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

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Important News on Aging -- Dr. Don Johnson, 07:20:07 03/15/03 Sat
News line: Jan/2003, The Following information was taken from a clinical trial conducted by the American Anti-Aging Society, Knoxville, Tn. Click Here for Entire Study.

Hello,

My name is Dr. Don Johnson, President of the American Anti-Aging Society, and I'm writing to share with you an important medical breakthrough in the treatment of aging. Pure GH-Releaser is the first 100 percent natural neutraceutical capsule clinically proven to reverse the aging process. Many physical, mental and blood chemistry tests (Like IGF-1 & HGH levels over 3 & 6 Month Periods) were performed to determine a reversal in the human aging process. The average IGF-1 level increase reported in our clinical trial was 402.4 percent!, far exceeding any other HGH product currently on the market today.

People who have taken Pure GH-Releaser Notice incredible positive results in the FIRST week!

These results include:

New hair growth and color restored
Increased energy levels
Improved sleep and emotional stability
Improved memory and mental alertness
Increased sexual potency / frequency

Controlled cholesterol
Loss in body fat
Increased muscle strength and size
Reduced cellulite
Wrinkle disappearance

Moreover, people have reported a significant increase in their energy levels, similar to what they felt in their 20's.

Pure GH-Releaser is not a Stimulator, Replacer, Steroid or Hormone. It is a 100 Percent Natural Growth Hormone Secretagogue, with a new active Homeopathic HGH Enhancer in an easy to swallow capsule form. It can be absorbed effectively by the body to reactivate your Dormant Pituitary Gland and give an Extra Boost of HGH into the blood stream to be picked by the liver for conversion into IGF -1. Which begins to reverse your Aging Process at a much faster rate.

I'd like to invite you to find out more about this exciting product at http://www.pureghreleaser.com/

If you have any questions please do not hesitate to contact us.

Sincerely,

Dr. Don Johnson
President
American Anti-Aging Society

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dfa -- adsf, 23:04:35 03/09/03 Sun
May I have a drum roll please? Attention fellow Harmyboarders!!!! It�s time to present the latest Golden Luoodle Award!!! And the winner is�..Cecilia!!!!!!! Woooooooohooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

And now we bring you LIVE from Fisherman�s Wharf! That�s right, Ladies and Gents, if Cece can�t come to the Gluoodle we shall take the Gluoodle to Cece!

And .. I think I see her now folks! Yes.. She�s driving up as we speak! Hi Cece!!! Wave! Wave! SCCRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAIIIIIGHHHHH!!!!!!!! LOOOOK OOOOUUUTTTT!!!!!! My LANDS! She nearly ran us over!!! Now where�d she� oh wait.. I think I see her now� yes.. She�s turning around� .. She�s coming back. Silly girl! Must have missed her exit. Oh gee� I bet Dancer gave her directions again.. Sigh. That woman and a map� Anyway� here she comes back again. Hi Ce SCCRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! HEEEEELLLLLPPPPP MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! What? What did she say? Gack! Good Heavens! Here she comes agai HeeeeeeelllllllllllPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good HEAVENS! I .. I don�t think she has any BRAKES! ZZZZZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAIGHHH!!!!!!!! Run everyone, ruuuunnnnnn!!!!!!!!!

~As Cecilia rocketed through the Streets of San Francisco, a familiar face (no, not Carl Malden!) was slowly making his way up yet another hill. His destination, Fisherman�s Wharf. Yes.. Once again he was presenting a Golden Luoodle. But this time he�d been promised not to be poofed if he would show up on his own. Overhead, he noticed storm clouds gathering, his vehicle occasionally buffeted by gusts of wind. His spirits briefly rose with hope the so-called Ceremoany might be called for rain. Almost immediately he dismissed the idea. These �ladies� wouldn�t let a bit of a storm stop them. With a weary expression of defeat, he massaged his aching forehead and continued on towards his destiny, not aware his destiny was careening towards him. As he rounded the final turn he was greeted w/ the sight of Cecilia, wild eyed and by now completely out of control of her vehicle. Behind her ran the Luoodles woman and her entourage waving and screaming. All he could do was close his eyes, hoping against hope he would wake up in his beddy, this all having been another bizarre hallucination. But it was not to be�.~
~CRASH!!!!~
Oh DEAR! This is TERRIBLE! Cecilia has CRASHED her car on a storm tossed Harmkins!!!! Harmkins! Cecilia! Can you hear me? Are you two o.k.? Where ARE they! Yoo Hoo! Cecilia and Harmkins! Kommen Sie hier, bitte! Oh HERE they come. They were under that mound of smoking metal over there. Oh my.. Harmkins is looking a bit� dazed. Ummm� Harmkins? Are you ok? Do you need a bandaid or anything? Cece? What about you? Why are you smiling like that, dear? What was that? �That was a good one?� Oh my.. umm� O.k then.. uh.. moving right along.. CONGRATULATIONS! You have won the latest Golden Luoodle! In addition to this lovely statuette, you are booked for the weekend at the Manly Arms Resort Hotel, compliments of Dancer. After that you will be WISKED away to a rustic cabin in the mountains where you will spend the entire week sharing body heat to survive! Sounds GOOD doesn�t it?! Now.. I have promised Harmkins no poofing, so to speed things along we have a SPECIAL GUEST STAR here to GATE you straight on over to the Manly Arms. And here he is now, Mr. MacGyver himself, RICHARD DEAN ANDERSON!!! Woohoo!!! Hiya RDA! Thanks everso for agreeing to help out w/ the Gluoodle award! Oh for heavens sake, stop wimpering like that. This has NOTHING to do with you. You�re just working the whoosh thing. What�s that? No.. working the whoosh thing will not get you paroled from my hall closet. Oh stop! Now.. your wasting Cece�s precious time. Harm has a busy schedule you know! Oh.. and don�t forget to punch in the combination to the Manly Arms that Dancer gave you. We don�t want them splating on the front door, now do we? O.k! Harmkins! Cece! Are you ready?!!!

Nommmpphhh!!�..

YES! YES! Harm say�s yes, too!

Nommmpphhh!!

See! We�re BOTH ready!!!

Umm� O.K. then� TUOODLES!!!! Oh.. and Richard.. don�t make me poof you home!

WHHHHOOOOOOSSSHHH!!!!!

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adsfa -- asdf, 22:56:28 03/09/03 Sun
May I have a drum roll please? Attention fellow Harmyboarders!!!! It�s time to present the latest Golden Luoodle Award!!! And the winner is�..Cecilia!!!!!!! Woooooooohooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

And now for the FIRST time we bring you LIVE from Fisherman�s Wharf! That�s right, Ladies and Gents, if Cece can�t come to the Gluoodle we shall take the Gluoodle to Cece!

And .. I think I see her now folks! Yes.. She�s driving up as we speak! Hi Cece!!! Wave! Wave! SCCRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAIIIIIGHHHHH!!!!!!!! LOOOOK OOOOUUUTTTT!!!!!! My LANDS! She nearly ran us over!!! Now where�d she� oh wait.. I think I see her now� yes.. She�s turning around� .. She�s coming back. Silly girl! Must have missed her exit. Oh gee� I bet Dancer gave her directions again.. Sigh. That woman and a map� Anyway� here she comes back again. Hi Ce SCCRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! HEEEEELLLLLPPPPP MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! What? What did she say? Gack! Good Heavens! Here she comes agai HeeeeeeelllllllllllPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good HEAVENS! I .. I don�t think she has any BRAKES! ZZZZZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAIGHHH!!!!!!!! Run everyone, ruuuunnnnnn!!!!!!!!!

~As Cecilia rocketed through the Streets of San Francisco, a familiar face (no, not Carl Malden!) was slowly making his way up yet another hill. His destination, Fisherman�s Wharf. Yes.. Once again he was presenting a Golden Luoodle. But this time he�d been promised not to be poofed if he would show up on his own. Overhead, he noticed storm clouds gathering, his vehicle occasionally buffeted by gusts of wind. His spirits briefly rose with hope the so called Ceremoany might be called for rain. Almost immediately he dismissed the idea. These �ladies� wouldn�t let a bit of a storm stop them. With a weary expression of defeat, he massaged his aching forehead and continued on towards his destiny, not aware his destiny was careening towards him. As he rounded the final turn he was greeted w/ the sight of Cecilia, wild eyed and by now completely out of control of her vehicle. Behind her ran the Luoodles woman and her enterage waving and screaming. All he could do was close his eyes, hoping against hope he would wake up in his beddy, this all having been another bizarre hallucination. But it was not to be�.~

~CRASH!!!!~

Oh DEAR! This is TERRIBLE! Cecilia has CRASHED her car on a storm tossed Harmkins!!!! Harmkins! Cecilia! Can you hear me? Are you two o.k.? Where ARE they! Yoo Hoo! Cecilia and Harmkins! Kommen Sie hier, bitte! Oh HERE they come. They were under that mound of smoking metal over there Oh my.. Harmkins is looking a bit� dazed. Ummm� Harmkins? Are you ok? Do you need a bandaid or anything? Cece? What about you? Why are you smiling like that, dear? What was that? �That was a good one?� Oh my.. umm� O.k then.. uh.. moving right along.. CONGRATULATIONS! You have won the latest Golden Luoodle! In addition to this lovely statuette, you are booked for the weekend at the Manly Arms Resort Hotel, compliments of Dancer. After that you will be WISKED away to a rustic cabin in the mountains where you will spend the week sharing body heat to survive! Sounds GOOD doesn�t it?! Now.. I have promised Harmkins no poofing, so to speed things along we have a SPECIAL GUEST STAR here to GATE you straight on over to the Manly Arms. And here he is now, Mr. MacGyver himself, RICHARD DEAN ANDERSON!!! Woohoo!!! Hiya RDA! Thanks everso for agreeing to help out w/ the Gluoodle award! Oh for heavens sake, stop wimpering like that. This has NOTHING to do with you. You�re just working the whoosh thing. What�s that? No.. working the whoosh thing will not get you paroled from my hall closet. Oh stop! Now.. your wasting Cece�s precious time. Harm has a busy schedule you know! Oh.. and don�t forget to punch in the combination to the Manly Arms that Dancer gave you. We don�t want them splating on the front door, now do we? O.k! Harmkins! Cece! Are you ready?!!!

Nommmpphhh!!�..

YES! YES! Harm says YES too!

Nommmpphhh!!

See! We�re BOTH ready!!!

Umm� O.K. then� TUOODLES!!!! Oh.. and Richard.. don�t make me poof you home!

WHHHHOOOOOOSSSHHH!!!!!

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asdf -- asdf, 15:07:13 03/09/03 Sun
May I have a drum roll please? Attention fellow Harmyboarders!!!! It�s time to present the latest Golden Luoodle Award!!! And the winner is�..Cecilia!!!!!!! Woooooooohooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

And now for the FIRST time we bring you LIVE from Fisherman�s Wharf! That�s right, Ladies and Gents, if Cece can�t come to the Gluoodle we shall take the Gluoodle to Cece!

And .. I think I see her now folks! Yes.. She�s driving up as we speak! Hi Cece!!! Wave! Wave! SCCRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAIIIIIGHHHHH!!!!!!!! LOOOOK OOOOUUUTTTT!!!!!! My LANDS! She nearly ran us over!!! Now where�d she� oh wait.. I think I see her now� yes.. She�s turning around� .. She�s coming back. Silly girl! Must have missed her exit. Oh gee� I bet Dancer gave her directions again.. Sigh. That woman and a map� Anyway� here she comes back again. Hi Ce SCCRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! HEEEEELLLLLPPPPP MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! What? What did she say? Gack! Good Heavens! Here she comes agai HeeeeeeelllllllllllPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good HEAVENS! I .. I don�t think she has any BRAKES! ZZZZZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAIGHHH!!!!!!!! Run everyone, ruuuunnnnnn!!!!!!!!!

~As Cecilia rocketed through the Streets of San Francisco, a familiar face (no, not Carl Malden!) was slowly making his way up yet another hill. His destination, Fisherman�s Wharf. Yes.. Once again he was presenting a Golden Luoodle. But this time he�d been promised not to be poofed if he would show up on his own. Overhead, he noticed storm clouds gathering, his vehicle occasionally buffeted by gusts of wind. His spirits briefly rose with hope the so called Ceremoany might be called for rain. Almost immediately he dismissed the idea. These �ladies� wouldn�t let a bit of a storm stop them. With a weary expression of defeat, he massaged his aching forehead and continued on towards his destiny, not aware his destiny was careening towards him. As he rounded the final turn he was greeted w/ the sight of Cecilia, wild eyed and by now completely out of control of her vehicle. Behind her ran the Luoodles woman and her enterage waving and screaming. All he could do was close his eyes, hoping against hope he would wake up in his beddy, this all having been another bizarre hallucination. But it was not to be�.~

~CRASH!!!!~

Oh DEAR! This is TERRIBLE! Cecilia has CRASHED her car on a storm tossed Harmkins!!!!

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-- ., 04:29:49 03/05/03 Wed
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Judi's Birthday Video -- Manette and Cece, 04:21:06 03/05/03 Wed
Click on here for to see and hear video. Be prepared to laugh! The Stripper

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Replies:

(NT) -- ,, 04:22:45 03/05/03 Wed

(NT) -- ., 04:28:07 03/05/03 Wed
-- OdaMaeLu, 03:22:23 03/05/03 Wed
�IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Love a Parade!!! La la la la la la la la laaaaa!!!!! GAAACK!!! Judi! Wait! Don�t kill me! Wait! It�s for YOU! Yes! Really! In honor of your birthday we�ve decided to give you you�re very own PARADE!!! WooHOOO!!! Yes! I KNEW you�d be thrilled! O.K. Sit back and relax and enjoy the show! Here they come NOW! , JUDI!!!!!!

Whoooo hooo� and LOOK who�s LEADING the parade!!!! Hiya, HARMKINS!!! Oh look! He�s waving at you, Judi! Now he�s SALUTING! Oh my GOODNESS! Boy HOWDY is he saluting! Oh Blush! Blush! I�m so embarrassed! SHIELD your eyes, Judi! Don�t loooo� Oh my.. Umm.. you know.. He certainly can fill uh.. ~cough~.. You know those pleats ummmm� Gosh, I wish I�d brought those extra panties� ~cough~ Anyway, let�s see what�s next!

Why it�s the Harmyboarders! Trish, Matou, and Maggie, followed by LoriD, and AmyLynn, and TWO Lindys! Oh my.. THAT�s scary.. and KK, Phoebe, and Carrots, Jennifer NTS, Allie, Jagglebelle� My lands.. LOOK at them all! I see Cathy, Paris, Limbo, Chris� it�s like a MOB scene down there! And here comes KAL and Rita and Jerseygirl and is that Lijo?! Hey, Lijo! Yoo Hoo!!!!!
AAAAAIIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
What on earth?!
AAAAIIIIIGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!
What�s wrong with you!? What are you screaming about!
AAAAIIIIGGGGHHH!!!! I just LURK! I just LURK! I just LURK! AAAAIIIGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
Oh for heaven SAKE. You know.. SOME of these people REALLY scare me� Sigh.. Moving on.. I see� MichelleB. Uumm.. do we want to know why she has her hands tied and duct tape on her mouth?? And what�s that written on the tape? Let�s see.. Let me get the binoculars�. �Harm�s my hero!� Oh isn�t that sweet. I knew she�d come around! That cow thing was just wrong on SO many levels. Ahem.. Next we have Sarahsue, Araninda, J-Bird, MSU98� Oh LOOK! It�s even LORI LYNN!! � and.. is that JELLO??? and.. TECHIE51, too??!!!! Wow! I haven�t seen them in AGES! HI, Lori Lynn!!! HI, Jello!!!! HI, Techie!!!! Oh.. and there�s the Kept.. Wonder what kept her.. ar ar� and then�lets see.. who else? Jen, Lisa, newbies Kay, and KathyJL� my lands.. it�s ENDLESS.. I can�t NAME them all.. Look how they�ve all turned out for your birthday, Judi! And here comes another huge group! There�s, Yali, Vivienne, Tracy, Em-Jay.. I see Ashke, CB, Lee, CatQuack, HeatherA, Oldspice. There�s the Skip, Manette, CharS, Windchime, LRM, ChrisL� Wait a minute� Aren�t these our resident FIC writers? What are THEY doing down there! Hey! Aren�t you guys supposed to be home WRITING? I mean� who gave you permission to leave your keyboard? Oh all right.. I guess you could stand a bit of sun� But as soon as this parade is over YOU GET BACK TO WORK! Sheesh� You know.. I have to keep on these people ALL the time. It�s SHAMEFUL, the bunch of lagabouts! Ahem.. Now then. Here comes Cavewoman, Katie, Ajlover (umm� time to UP those meds, dear�), Sue T, Aims, and� Oh my.. they seem to be working themselves into a FRENZIE! What�s that sign they�re carrying? Let me put my glasses on.. it says� it says� Freeeeee� Computers!� No, no.... that�s not it.. Freeeee Comander.. COMMANDER! Yes. Free Commander�. WINKIE! Well.. I think we can ALL agree on THAT one!

Oh and look, here comes a FLOAT! Gosh.. it seems to be going sort of.. fast. Huh.. Well.. anyway� Let me take a lookie and see who�s on it! WooHoo!! It�s the King and Queen of the Parade! Spoiler King and Minerva!!! Oh, now.. that is just too cute! Their scepters are little talking spatulas! LOL! Let�s see who else is on the float with them.. Oh.. it�s Brigitte! Isn�t that cute? She�s handing out some of her music videos to the crowd! Wow! They�re going wild! And there�s Helene up there with her. Oh look she�s passing out little Eiffel Tower statuettes� at least I THINK that�s the Eiffel Tower! Hmm� seems to be pretty popular whatever it is. And there�s Claudia! She is just the cutest thing. Oh and she�s handing out that yummy chocolate! Claudia! Gosh I LOVE that stuff! Up here! Oh good.. she�s tossing� HEY! Judi! Give that back! That�s MINE! What do you mean I look like I�ve already had enough?! Well! How RUDE! You see if you get a parade NEXT year! Harumph! O.K. back to the float� Standing beside Claudia is� LEE! Woo hoo! She�s handing stuff out too! Oh my GOSH! But it seems to be� DECKING people. What on earth is she THROWING? Bricks? Somebody pass one up to Lu� Here we go! My lands, it a book. A very, very BIG book. �Harm, Mac, and TPTB, A Unique Perspective by Lee.� ~cough~ Ummm.. Here Judi. From me to you. Happy Birthday. What? What do you mean it�s hard for you to follow her logic? Lee makes PERFECT sense to me! And I�m telling you, that first one of hers �Harm, Mac, and HMS,� was FLYING off the shelves down at the local Shipperdeland bookstore! What do you mean, �Want to trade?� No. What�s that? Exactly where in my house do I keep it? You stay away from my house! Besides, you people frighten Mr. Lu, not to mention the neighbors, local police, and lest we forget, certain domestic farm animals! Sheesh. Anyway� Back to the parade. Oh look.. the King and Queen are hugging each other. Isn�t that the sweetest thing? Actually.. they seem to be sort of�gripping each other. Oh my, it looks like Brigitte, Helene, Claudia, Lee, and the two talking� well, no, now they�re screaming, spatulas have bailed! What the heck? Why is everyone acting so SCARED? Wait.. who�s that guy on the tractor pulling the float?! Wait a minute.. that�s no guy.. that�s.. ABBY NORMAL! Oh for Pete�s sake!!! Abby! I TOLD you NOT to drive that tractor until you read all the directio�. Abby?! Abby!!!! LOOK OUT!!! Run people! RUN!!!! Oh gosh.. Was that anyone we know? Gack.. I hope that poor person is o.k!! � Well.. I see LoriLynn, Oldspice, SandyB, and Yali are all running up to�. help �~cough~ Anyway, here comes another poster.�

Look! It�s CindyB marching and twirling a flaming � stuffed leg!? Gack! Gosh.. that�s sort of� Sigh.. Judi.. You REALLY need to speak w/ Cindy. Yes.. the sooner the better... I mean� she�s starting to get� I don�t know.. sort of.. gruesome. NEXT!

Oh it�s Crosby driving a pink Cadillac and throwing Partypalz samples to the crowd. My LANDS look at them DIVING for the things! Oh gee.. there goes Abby again.. Well, at least she�s off the blame tractor! Judi? Judi? Why are you crying? What? No. No, I�m SURE Crossy saved some samples for you, dear. No. I�m sure she didn�t give them all away. Now, now. Let�s not say unkind things about Abby. Anyway, how do you know Abby isn�t down there collecting them for YOU!?? Right. Sorry... Anyway, I�m sure Cros has saved you a sample or two. Probably. Oh, would you stop bawling! You�re giving me a hegg egg! Sheesh. NEXT!

Oh and here comes that cheery Miss Shell! She likes everything! And my she�s smiling! Now.. what�s her sign say�let me see�. Oh..it�s not a sign at ALL! It�s..it�s a� FLAG! A flag? What kind of a flag is THAT? Oh MY GOSH IT�S A PAIR OF BOXERS!!! She�s got a pair of BOXERS run up a flagpole and she�s waving them at the crowd! Oh my gosh! People are going WILD!!!! Good HEAVENS! Someone has broken through security! It�s� it�s LAURI!!!! My lands! She�s appears to be threatening Shell w/ a golf club of some sort! She wants.. What is she yelling??� She wants� the BOXERS!!! Let�s see if we can listen in�

GIVE THEM TO ME!

Have you lost your mind?! Get away!

They�re MINE! I got them fair and square!

You did NOT!

Yes I did! I got them at the golf tourney!

Well I bought them on E-Bay! I�ve got a RECEIPT!

HA! Stolen merchandise! I got them from Harmkins himself!

Oh STOP! You did not!

I did! You know when he was playing golf and I was there on the sidelines?! And you know that picture of him bending over?!� Well� right after that pic was taken I snuck up and SNATCH!!!! Pulled them right out!

What!?!

Yes! I did! It was EASY� besides.. they�re those breakaway boxers.. I think he may have ordered them from that Crazy Crossy.. in fact it SAYS PartyPalz on the inside label.

Well.. I don�t care. You�re not getting them back!

Oh yes I am!

Oh no you�re not!

Give. Me. Those. BOXERS!! ~SWACK!!!~
Oh dear! Umm.. ~cough~ I think we�d best move along now� Sigh�

Oh LOOK! It�s my wonderful GLA helper buddies, Spud and Pretz�. carrying a GLA sign. Oh isn�t that SWEEET� Wait a minute.. why does it have a SLASH thru it??? And.. isn�t that a picture of� ME?? Yeeeee! Oh my� Hmmm.. looks like a bit of dissention amongst the troops� Hey, Spud, Pretz! What�s up with the OW!! HEY! Watch it! Gack! Why are you throwing your signs at me?! Sheesh.. The HELP you get these days! Sigh..Well..it appears they have joined up w/ the next group�

Now this is interesting..� Here comes none other then Holy Shipper Freakin� Moly herself CG! Looks like she�s holding up a letter.... it says� it says, �J.� Hmm� and then .. CharS.. has an �A� followed by CarolD with an �M� and then� Pretz with another �M� and then.. CathyF has� an �I,� and then.. Shell is bringing along an �E,� and last but not least we have.. Spud with an �S.� Let�s see.. what does� oh.. I should have known� JAMMIES! Sheesh! These people are obsessed�

Anyway� here comes one of our resident non-shippers� Yes, it�s none other then Heather and.. what the heck?� Why is she pulling Dancer in a wagon? Oh dear. The Skip doesn�t look well. Oh my. I think this season has really taken its toll on the poor dear� Umm.. Heather! Excuse me! Heather?! What�s wrong w/ the Skip?
Huh? Oh nothing. She�s fine!
Well.. gosh.. she doesn�t LOOK fine� Why is she laying there.... twitching? Gosh.. should we call a doctor? What�s that Dancer?

What? Heather, who is �Dr. Ron?�
No one. Ignore her. She gets like this sometimes. �She�ll be fine. I think�.
Gosh, Heather. Are you sure??
Oh yeah. Happens all the time. Dancer! Get up! ~ Boot! Boot! ~ Oh gross! Stop drooling in my kid�s wagon would you?! Ugh. They want to USE this again, you know! Sigh� The NEXT time Judi has a parade, I�m coming by myself. Sheesh. Who appointed me your keeper, anyway?
My goodness, would you LOOK at the time!!! NEXT!

Here comes the Admiral. Oh for heavens SAKE! Go AWAY, Michy! Not THAT Admiral. OUR Admiral! Oh.. isn�t that cute. She�s on a float shaped like a boat! That�s an unusual SAIL she�s using. What on earth.. oh my gosh! It�s the Harmy Quilt she won! And what�s that written on it???.. it says.. It says, �Someone help me! I was shanghaied here by Katrose!� Oh my� NEXT!

Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my GOSH! It�s a .. It�s a.. GOLDEN SCISSORS float! Oh my goodness! Give me the BINOCULARS! Give me the .. JUDI! GIVE ME THE STINKING BINOCULARS!!!!! Thank you! Hmm.. I see.. CharS, Lauri� Where IS he??!!! Where IS he!?? Jam, Xena�Mz. Bob, Trish� Oh Crud. No Harmkins. It�s just the Golden Scissor LADIES! No Harmkins. How depressing. Here, Judi.. You can have the binoculars back now. WHAT?! Oh stop whining and watch your parade! You don�t have any M&M�s on you do you? No? Sigh.. NEXT!

Now.. WHO is this in the CHEF hat coming down the lane? MANETTE!!! What on EARTH?! Oh my gosh.. TELL me.. TELL me that�s a salami laying on that tray�. Oh my gosh.. I just.. I just.. CatQuack! Catquack! Get over here!!! MAG! Get the tranq gun!! Yes. Dart her. She�s gone too far this time! Yes.. Tranq her, Mag! Catquack.. uhh.. you may want to get Sarahsue to .. uhh.. bag uhh.. that.. umm� .. just in case someone is uhh.. looking for.. uhh.. NEXT!!
Well, here comes the Second Banana herself! WooooHoooo!!! Some of you may not know this but Cece is also President and founder of S*M*O*O*C*H! That�s right! Smudgaholics Madly Obsessed Over Commander Harm! One of my FAVORITE organizations!!! Ooooooo!!! What�s this? It says here in my notes that she has an extra special gift for Harmkins! Wonder what it is? Hey, Cece! Whatcha g� oh my GOSH! CECE!! What HAPPENED to you??!!! You�re all� all.. SQUISHED looking� Cece! What? A TRACTOR you say� Oh umm� That�s umm�

YES and my lawyers tell me if I can ID the driver we�re ALL gonna be rich!

Oh Cece, now.. You don�t really look all that worse for wear. It�s not like you to seek revenge�
CECE! CECE! I know who DID it! Seek REVENGE! Seek REVENGE! Yes! SUUUUUEEEE her!

What?

Nothing.. nothing. Judi! Shame on you! You hush!

I will NOT! That stinking Abby has hogged her last PartyPalz! And on MY birthday no less! HA! What goes around comes around! Cece! ABBBBBYYYY! It was AAAAABBBBBBBY!!

Oh JUDI! Good GRIEF! Calm down! Sigh.. Now, Cece, it�s TRUE that Abby was the driver of the trac..

Hold that thought..

..tor�Sigh�Umm..Hi Sandy. Uh.. Nice weather we�re uh.. having umm.. Who ya got there with you? Oldspice! Hey! How�s Beans doing these days? Hey LoriLynn, Yali. Soo� How�s every little thing with you all?

SIC EM!

What?! Wait! Now LADIES! I�m SURE we can work ALL of this out.

Oh yes.. We figure four ways!
Hey.. you said FIVE!
Oh yes.. ~cough~ FIVE ways.

Oh now you people just STOP this nonsense! Abby is a fellow Harmyboarder! Besides, you know good and well she didn�t MEAN to run over Cece. Plus Cece is OBVIOUSLY fine. Well�maybe a little.. uh.. flatter but.. Hey! Who doesn�t want to be able to turn sideways and virtually disappear?! Now.. What say we ALL just get along and go back to the parade!

Forget the parade! Sue that stinking Abby! She�s got my Partypalz!!!

JUDI! Sigh..O.K.. I�m sorry to have to do this, but.. everybody, pull out your contracts. Yes. Look for.... Yes. Chapter 53, subchapter 64, part a.3. Now.. read down there.. it�s a clause in our Parade contract that says if you are run over by a tractor you are not allowed to sue. Yes� it�s after the danger of poofing clause.

I don�t see it.

Sigh.. LoriLynn, it�s right there.. after the poofing clause.

Nope. Mine says, �Harm stood in the doorway, his gold wings shimmering in the candle light. Mac leaned closer and began to..�

WHAT?! Let me see that!

Hey!

Oh hush. Let me look at th� This isn�t the parade contract! This is .. OH MY GOSH! THE LATEST CHAPTER OF DREAMLAND!!!!!!!!! JACKPOT!!!! We have hit the JACKPOT!!!!!!! Oh my GOSH! Yes.. see.. there�s Dancer�s name at the top! It must have fallen out of her pocket on the parade route! Oh my Oh my Oh� Do you have any CLUE how much this thing is WORTH? There are shippers all over the WORLD breaking out in HIVES waiting for this chapter to post! And WE�VE got it in our hot little ha�.

Oh Hi, Skip� Uh....

~SWACK!!~

Well.. easy come, easy go�Sigh� O.k. O.k.. where were we? Oh yes.. As a gesture of good will, and to smooth over any hard feeling, how about I talk to Cros about sending you each complimentary Palz packets. Would that make you a bit happier?

Oh yeah. Hey! Tell her to send the sparkly one with the �
YALI!
Sorry.

O.K. Now.. Ladies� why don�t you go on back to the parade. I�ll catch up later. Cece� you originally said you had a gift for Harmkins. What is it, dear? Can you show us?

Sure.. why not?

FLASH!!!!

AAAIIGHHHH!!!!!! Oh good GRIEF, woman! You�ve been all this time marching around down there NEKID but for a trench coat?! No wonder Abby ran over you. She probably went BLIND! I know I almost did! Thank goodness I had on my sunglasses. My lands! When�s the last time you got some SUN, anyway!? Gee WHIZ! You know.. That�s it. I�m soooo out of here. Judi� Happy Birthday. Cece� Put some clothes on.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JUDI!!!!
THANK YOU FOR OUR HARMYBOARD!!!!!

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