| Subject: The January Sales |
Author:
Xander Cage
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Date Posted: 13:27:54 01/03/03 Fri
Now that the transfer window is open, CCISA FC can look to offload that shitty excuse for a left winger, Reynolds (i hear Team Boot are in the market for attacking talent after an up-turn in form).
Well don't fear, as i have managed to get hold of a very useful guide. If you can get any money out of that stingy, Chairman Brighty and Chief Exec Howells, then all i can say is... happy shopping Braz!
Know Your Enemy...
It'll be dog eat dog in the aisles, so sharpen those elbows. Keep an eye out for a panic-stricken Frenchman, eyes bulging at the goodies on display, who is looking to stock up on loads of showy foreign labels to bolster his normally-conservative wardrobe. And if you're shopping downtown, watch out for a Scot who's grown disillusioned with the high street and will probably be looking to pick up a cheap trinket to match the Uruguayan ornament he bought last year.
Think Long Term...
No matter how cheap, there's no point in bringing something home if you won't be able to maintain it. Okay, you might be able to snap up a hungry young Irish centre-half on the cheap from Man City, but can you really afford to keep it fed? A Honey Monster's not just for Christmas, you know.
Beware Dodgy Foreign Stuff...
That full-length Batistuta might look good on the peg, but will you really want to wear it on a cold Tuesday night in Birmingham? All the same, if it's purely decorative imported antiques you're after, have a word with Sam 'Lovejoy' Allardyce. He'll show you where to look.
Bulk-Buy Down The Pound Shop...
Buy first, ask questions later. If you manage to find a rare Vieira when you eventually rummage through the piles of loot on your kitchen table, no-one will ever ask what you did with the Alberto Mendez and the Tomas Danilevicius you bought last year.
Look Beyond The Packaging...
Okay, John Gregory's probably warned you by now about buying from a flashy video catalogue. In fact, sometimes the best bargains don't look much at all. So don't discount that tatty-looking model, it could be just what you're after. At least we think Luke Chadwick's for sale, anyhow.
Keep The Receipt...
So a smooth-talking French salesman's convinced you to stump up for one of his store's only English-made products - a fine piece of Scouse Glass, ostensibly cast in the shape of a fox but also not dissimilar in appearance to the FA Cup. "Never used," he said. "Hardly out of the box," he punned. Be warned. These models tend to be highly breakable, particularly as they tend to topple over for no apparent reason.
Be Prepared...
That special bargain doesn't come along every day, so you may have to put in the hours with the sleeping bag and flask of tea. Better to rough it than miss out the next time there's an Eric Cantona lying around in a pile of old Keith Gillespies or when an Italian wholesaler wants to offload a Thierry Henry on the cheap just because it can't play right-back.
Check The Warranty...
So, proud as punch, you've unpacked the spoils. Does that incredibly cheap internationally-renowned stopper you picked up in the East End really plug those leaks? Don't tell us you've Breen taken for a mug?
Line Your Pockets...
As some of you already know, the value isn't always in the product. Find the right sales agent and it'll be Christmas all over again when your chairman writes the cheque for that one-legged East European statue. Never mind the quality, feel that kickback.
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