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Date Posted: 8/09/06 11:51am
Author: Sharky Snipes (Smugly Smug)
Subject: Jimblejammer 3000 - Introductory Offer
The Jimblejammer 3000, is there anything it can't do?
It slices it dices, it chops, it grinds.
Run it from mains power, batteries, diesel, coal or even solar.
Entertains the kids for hours, helps keep the grass down, and guards the house while you're on holiday.
Incredibly economical and will go for miles on a drop of fuel. They use it in factories and industrial complexes, anywhere where heavy lifting is required. It is especially popular on mining sites and is currently assisting the meterological bureau with the calculations.
The Jimblejammer 3000, available at all leading supermarkets!
Sharky
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Replies:[>
Re: Jimblejammer 3000 - Introductory Offer -- Peter Podgekins,
8/09/06 12:08pm
I saw one of these in the supermarket and decided to buy one.
I got it home and unpacked it and noticed that it looked very similar to the KZ-4X, but the front thing was a slightly different color and shape, and the grappling hook underneath was now a different shape. A new addition, as pointed out by the booklet that comes with it (in 12 different languages, one of which vaguely looks like English), is the cluster bomb manufacturing facility mounted on top. This was not there last time, but apparently customer demand forced it upon them - I wonder how I use it in the kitchen?
Anyhow, the instructions said very clearly not to forget the Master Override password, or the unit would enter self preservation mode. All was fine, I changed a couple of settings and then change the Master Override password, as a security precaution. The password I chose was a real tricky one, and then phone rang, and it was my Aunt Doris. Anyhow, I completely forgot the password, so now I have to be very careful when I enter my kitchen. The Jimblejammer 3000 has gone into guard mode, which protects the kitchen against unknown persons, but I'm not always sure it recognises me. I have firmware 4.05.22m and that apparently has a bug where people that where plastic framed glasses and have freckles on their nose may not be recognised. A couple of times I have lifted my glasses off to rub my tired eyes, only to see the alert level rise rapidly towards self preservation mode. Quickly jamming my glasses back onto my nose, has often saved me, but it didn't last Monday. Last Monday my Jimblejammer 3000 went into self preservation mode. I managed to make it out of the kitchen just as the cluster bomb manfacturing facility started up. So the kitchen is covered in reinforced metal from my refrigerator, stove and oven and is for all intents impenetrable. A glance in the window, before it was boarded over, showed me it was still on the kitchen table surrounded by a pile of cluster bombs.
I've called the police, but they say its a domestic issue and will not interfere. I am trying to get in touch with the manufacturer in China to see if there is a fail safe password, but have had no luck so far.
If there is a certified Jimblejammer 3000 professional in the forum, a bit of advice would be much appreciated.
regards
Peter
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Re: Jimblejammer 3000 - Introductory Offer -- Claus VanGurtner,
9/09/06 1:14am
Peter,
As a certified Jimblejammer 3000 professional, I have to caution you that due to manufacturing shortages some of the Jimblejammer 3000’s were shipped from the factory using the control electronics from the "FURBY" toy run. As such you may need to be aware that turning off the lights may seem to cause the units to become dormant. However any loud noise may suddenly reactivate them and cause the Jimblejammer 3000 to deploy it’s laser weapons. In addition the infrared capabilities and sensitive microphones will allow several Jimblejammer 3000’s to communicate and zero in on your location, which could prove deadly.
Your decision to reinforce the kitchen with sheet metal from the stove and refrigerator was quick thinking, however it will not be long before the Jimblejammer 3000’s cut through and make their way to the adjoining rooms.
Looking at the tech bulletins and engineering reports I have it seems the only way to prevent this should you loose the Master Override Password is the following. There may be something lost in the translation so use at your own risk.
First obtain a small dog, preferably a Pomeranian. Attach as many flashlights as possible to said dog. Throw some squeaky toys into the kitchen followed by the Pomeranian. In the pandemonium that follows you should be able to reach the master off switch located just below the cluster bomb bay door. Press and hold the switch for 10 seconds and the Jimblejammer 3000’s should deactivate.
Above all remember to listen for signs that the Pomeranian is deceased as should this happen the Jimblejammer 3000’s will turn on you in an instant. You must of course deactivate all units as Jimblejammer 3000’s will reactivate each other.
Claus VanGurtner
Certified Jimblejammer 3000 Professional
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Re: Jimblejammer 3000 - Introductory Offer -- Frederick Fartright, 9/09/06 12:22pm
Claus,
As a fellow Jimblejammer 3000 professional, I concur. The Pomeranian is the recommended course of action in this situation. The only caution I would add is to make sure that your Jimblejammer 3000 is not using rev 5.7.008 of the firmware, in which a small pink poodle is to be used.
You can find the current rev of the firmware by unscrewing the metal keypad cover, entering into console mode, running the level 1 diagnostic, and then starting the firmware discovery procedure on page 541 of the manual. Of course you will need the Master Failsafe password for this.
Frederick Fartright
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Re: Jimblejammer 3000 - Introductory Offer -- Murvis Bacon (A little bit put out),
9/09/06 11:53am
Well I've had it with the Jimblejammer 3000. It is worse than the 2000, which was in turn significantly worse than the 1000, which in turn was an absolute disaster.
My jimbles are still not jammed. They sit there looking very much unjammed, and the cluster bombs in the new version have destroyed my oven.
I've been down to the local military grade hardware discount shop, and purchased a whole load of munitions. Using these, the Jimblejammer 3000 and I battled it out for four hours, destroying most of my house in the process. The damn thing is sitting in a hole in the ground covered by a sheet of steel, that it manufactured out of my kitchen appliances. It turned on self-preservation mode a long time ago, and will not respond the Master Failsafe password, though my swahili is not very good, and who thought of using swahili for a password in the first place!!!
I have read of many other people in similar situations. The instructions on the outside of the box say nothing about this happening, and it looks just like any other appliance when you buy it at the supermarket. There is nothing on the box about munitions. I hate to think what might happen if the nuclear add on was attached - are they they even allowed to sell that in a supermarket?
Anyhow, I've been reading the forums, and most other people in this situation, recommend getting it into a hole in the ground (done), and hiring a helicopter to dump quick set concrete on to it. Others are saying that doing this only makes it escalate the situation and trigger the inbuilt self destruct, which is rumoured to be a hydrogen bomb. I ask once again, is it legal to sell an appliance with a hydrogen bomb in it, in a supermarket? Obviously yes. Apparently there is no specific regulation forbidding it, regulators not thinking it would ever be an issue in a domestic appliance.
Well I could go on moaning, but the kids are due home from school soon, and I need to find a place to sleep for the night. I think the manufacturer should at least put a warning on the box about the munitions this thing has.
Murvis
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anti- Jimblejammer 3000 nuclear hardened munitions robot MK3 -- Claus VanGurtner (My doomsday clock says 11:59!),
9/09/06 5:11pm
Murvis,
I just read your letter with alarm, I would suggest you do nothing more to aggravate the situation. As you may have already noticed the Jimblejammer 3000 does not take kindly to any interference. Since you have gotten as far as getting the Jimblejammer 3000 into a hole, do not attempt to hire a helicopter, the frequency of the rotor would most likely trigger "self destruct mode".
The solution as I see it is to deploy a anti- Jimblejammer 3000 nuclear hardened munitions robot MK3 at once. The MK3 looks like a Jimblejammer 3000 so it will be able to approach murmuring soothing phrases in "Furbish" so as not to alarm your unit. Once in range infrared signals will be transmitted to further calm your Jimblejammer 3000 and place it in standby mode. At this time the MK3 will extend it’s 3 meter robotic arm it has been cleverly concealing behind it’s back and deliver a high voltage pulse to the Jimblejammer 3000’s Furby control system. This should effectively neutralize your Jimblejammer 3000 and then you may proceed to hiring the helicopter to encase it in a concrete containment dome.
If you cannot find a anti- Jimblejammer 3000 nuclear hardened munitions robot MK3 locally, please contact me and we will dispatch one from the abandoned airfield here in Germany at once.
Claus VanGurtner
Certified Jimblejammer 3000 Professional
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Re: Jimblejammer 3000 - Introductory Offer -- Lester Kozloski (Happy to have survived.),
10/09/06 3:56am
Hello,
I have been watching the thread on the Jimblejammer 3000, the KZ-4X was a similar appliance. I just discovered a replacement that is perfectly safe and sane. It’s the "LUMP MK5" it does not peel, roast, deep fry, clean, toast or wash. It cannot open a jar, defrost a roast and better yet it requires no power, battery or fuel. It is completely inert and made of concrete, it just sits on your countertop occupying a mere 3 meter square footprint. Available in fine stores everywhere.
Lester Kozloski
PS- It does not even remove footprints!
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Re: Jimblejammer 3000 - Introductory Offer -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. (Grinning with glee !!!),
19/09/06 7:36am
Special offer:
For this week only any owner of a Jimblejammer 3000 or KZ4X can have encased in concrete for less than the cost of a 1967 Cortina, just contact my office and we will take care of the rest of the details.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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