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Date Posted: 21/07/06 11:37pm
Author: Hamidi Azzizi (The Famous Sausage Maker)
Subject: Re: Canadian Coconut Growers Co-op
In reply to:
Roger Husk
's message,
"Canadian Coconut Growers Co-op" on
20/07/06 6:15pm
Dear Sirs,
You may remember me by my famous chain of sausage factories that I made a killing off by building them next door to pet food factories - not that the pet food factory had anything to do with my sausages.
I think I have the solution to your coconut growing problems. You see the coconut is a delicate fruit which can only grow in the right conditions, and there is one major environmental factor that you seem to be currently missing. That thing is sand, and lots of it. You see the coconut tree likes to gaze out on a vista of sand, and beaches if available, but sand by itself will do. I recommend you find a 20km x 20km patch, clear away the snow, and I will bring in the sand, at a very reasonable price.
I look forward to doing business with you and enclose a pack of my famous sausages as a gift to you.
Hamidi Azzizi
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Replies:[> [>
Re: Canadian Coconut Growers Co-op -- Martin and Gwen Sniffle Co-Directors Sniffle Coconuts Wigan,,
22/07/06 2:55pm
Dear Fellow Coconut Growers Elite
I do remember your famous chain of sausage factories and found it slightly suspicious that each one of your factories was not only next door to pet food suppliers but also as later revealed in a lengthy court case you "accidently" as you cleverly put it connected the pet food suppliers waste pipes into your sausage making machines. All is forgiven now though and i`m sure you accepted your punishment and served your 10 years on your very best behaviour. In any case people are dying of food poisoning the world over so what`s a few dozen more gonna do!
Putting all that to one side I take your point about the coconut being a very delicate fruit but try saying that to the poor buggers who have lost their lives over the years to the bloddy things dropping out of the sky!
I do apologise I lost myself a little there but going back to the coconut being delicate I agree with you there and for optimum growth said coconut must be facing sand. Ideally Blackpool pleasure beach would be a superb location for growing coconuts. Not only would the coconuts be within spitting and eyeballing distance of the sand but as you know Blackpool sand has a very fine texture unlike Gobi sand which stinks in comparison.
I see by coincidence you are a supplier of sand and that you can offer me some at very reasonable cost.
Now, YOUR "reasonable" and our shareholders "reasonable" are probably worlds apart so before we can talk business how much would you charge for say 5 tons of your best beach sand and could we have a VAT invoice? As a guide, last year we imported 35 metric ton of genuine Michigan beach sand at a net cost of £135.00 GBP. If your quotation betters this we have ourselves a deal and I will get the ball-rolling at this end ASAP.
Thank you for your time
Martin and Gwen Sniffle Co-Directors Sniffle Coconuts; Wigan.
Company slogan:-
"Coconuts cure all known ills, Coconuts are better than pills! Crack`em, suck-em, then use the husk as an aphrodisiac!!!"
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Re: Canadian Coconut Growers Co-op -- Hamidi Azzizi (rubbing hands in glee),
22/07/06 11:54pm
Martin and Gwen,
Thank you for your kind words.
Before getting down to the loathsome business of money, let me tell you about my sand.
This is no ordinary sand. This sand is guaranteed to make your coconuts grow, because it is already proven. Thats right, its from tropical areas where coconut trees are already flourishing. Shall we say £500 GBP for 35 metric ton of know proven coconut growing sand? And with every ton of sand I'll thrown in a kilo of sausages?
I look forward to a positive response.
Hamidi Azzizi
PS my lawyers did a deal with the judge, publicly the sentence was 10 years, but in reality I served one day, and I agreed to supply the judges meat processing plants with sausage mince at a discount - and still make a profit 8-)
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Re: Canadian Coconut Growers Co-op -- Roger Husk ("It’s not genuine without the Maple leaf !"),
22/07/06 5:56pm
Hamidi,
Thank you for the insight, I always said it takes a brilliant man to take what would otherwise be rubbish and make a sausage. We here at the Canadian Coconut Growers Co-op test facility in Saskatchewan are interested in obtaining some of this sand. By luck we already have a 20km x 20km patch of land, of course we would need permission to actually clear the snow off of it, this might be difficult to obtain as snow clearing permits are usually only granted for hockey or curling purposes.
Please let me know the price of sand ($CAD), delivery options and where to send the money. One of our researchers has also brought up the following questions. First how deep would this sand need to be? Secondly if we cannot obtain the necessary permits could we just spray paint the snow "sand color" and hang up some posters of beaches and tropical ocean?
I also have a proposition you might be interested in, we have quite a large quantity of smoked beaver meat that is going bad along with a large pack of stray dogs that were attracted to the area by the odor. Perhaps you would consider a partial trade of these items for some of your sand.
Sincerely,
Roger Husk
Canadian Coconut Growers Co-op.
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Re: Canadian Coconut Growers Co-op -- Hamidi Azzizi,
22/07/06 11:57pm
Roger,
Let me extend to you a special deal.
35 metric tons of proven coconut growing sand for $US9800 - its a special I have on at the moment, and with every ton of sand I give you a half a kilo of my famous sausages.
I look forward to a positive response.
Hamidi Azzizi
PS Coconuts know when you are trying to fool them so spray painting is probably a waste of money
PSS I'm thinking about the meat - how much of it is there exactly?
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Re: Canadian Coconut Growers Co-op -- Roger Husk ("It’s not genuine without the Maple leaf !"), 23/07/06 5:18pm
My Dear Hamidi,
I have talked this over with my associates here at the Canadian Coconut Growers Co-op test facility in Saskatchewan, we all agree that the sooner we get this sand the sooner Canada will be free of foreign coconut imports.
I would suggest you label the sand as either "hockey equipment" or "curling stones" as these items are never checked by the customs inspectors and get priority handling.
There is quite a lot of the smoked Beaver meat about five ton and the pack of dogs numbers in the hundreds most of them weighing at least 20 kilos. We can pack them back in the same shipping container(‘s) and label it as either "Canadian Bacon" or "hockey stick blanks" whichever would facilitate things on your end.
Could you see if you can obtain some of those "Tropical Beach" posters the travel agents use, we have tried without success to get them here and the travel agencies guard them like a rabid otter guards it’s young.
Sincerely,
Roger Husk
Canadian Coconut Growers Co-op.
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Re: Canadian Coconut Growers Co-op -- Ivor Snouteworthy, 26/07/06 2:31pm
Sorry to butt in but Please allow me to introduce myself once again. My name is Ivor Snouteworthy, I represent the Royal National Society For Butting In To Other Peoples Business, (R.N.S.B.I.T.O.P.B.). I have been scrutinizing your messages with regard to acquiring sand and have some suggestions which you will do well to apply.
(1)
Employ small children to steal the sand from various venues around the UK.
(2)
Issue said sprogs with industrial size (50 cubits capacity) buckets and applicable industrial sized spades.
(3)
Employ Polish lorry drivers to collect the sand using stolen skip lorries. Get the poles to deliver the sand at night to deliver to a highly secret location unknown to anyone - even the poles.
(4)
Throw the police off the scent by camouflaging the skip lorries as bouncy castle carriers and dress the poles up as
clowns for good measure.
That`s about it, i`m sure there`s enough to be getting on with but if you need any more suggestions just drop me a line!
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Re: Canadian Coconut Growers Co-op -- Roger Husk ("It’s not genuine without the Maple leaf !"), 26/07/06 7:57pm
Ivor,
Where would the R.N.S.B.I.T.O.P.B. if you didn't poke your snout up their busness.
However back to the point, I am having a hard time figuring how scooping up sand in the UK is going to help us here in Saskatchewan. Unless the little sprogs can swim, and with a 50 cubit bucket I can't see how. Now if we were in France they could just splash across the channel.
I also don't want to find out what Hamidi might do should we go back on our deal. No thank you, I like sausage but I don't want to be one.
Sincerely,
Roger Husk
Canadian Coconut Growers Co-op.
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