..What If.. -- Club Alien

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What if I'm a weeping willow?

Laughing tears upon my pillow...

What if I'm a socialite

Who wants to be alone?

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Just as she had always had a knack for making him crazy, he had always known just how to drive her to the edge and back. Every aspect of their relationship had been intense...explosive, even. Each emotion had always been given in it's most raw and primal form...for better or for worse. What they had shared was nothing like any Hollywood movie could ever depict, and it shattered the notion of every romance novel Kat had ever written. Their love had been one of a kind, and she supposed she had always known there couldn't be another like it. Not for her. Oh, it hadn't always been rainbows and lemon drops...that was for sure. When they had fought, they had fought. He had been able to draw out the feral side of her like no other, reduce her to the stereotypical redheaded temper tantrum at the turn of a hat. But those times when it had been good...which, from her memory, were more often than not...those times had made up for the bad a thousandfold. Because just as he had been able to draw out the bad points in her, he was even more able to draw out the good. When she'd been with Paige, she truly had been her best.

His words caused her eyes to draw wide, and her wounded lips to form into a little 'o' of surprise. Of shock, really. After that first week that he had been gone, she had never really expected he would come back. It had been the hardest reality she had ever been faced with, but how else could she have explained his absence? She'd thrown herself into her work into those remaining weeks, barely ever going around the Complex. It had been hard to be around their friends...harder still to be around his friend. And Amir had been an ever-present entity around those grounds back then, involved with Sway and all. Kat hadn't known how to get a hold of Paige, and even if she had, what could she have said? She was sure he'd finally had enough. Was positive he was never coming back.

And then, everything had fallen apart. She had never truly known exactly what had happened the night the Complex had been raided...her involvement with the ring had been minimal at best. But when she had been confronted with the reality that was truly alone for the first time in her life...well, that had been a terrifying revelation. She had left, just like the others....and she had done it because she had never thought, even for a moment, that he would come back for her.

What had she even said back then, that could have possibly made him think she hadn't wanted him? That she wanted to end it? She hadn't wanted to go to LA...that she could remember. Though she wouldn't find out exactly why for a few months, Kat's hormones had been so out of whack that her emotions had been on an all out rampage. She had been scared of LA. Scared of leaving the only family she'd known. Scared of losing him to his dream. It had been selfish, but it had been true.

"We said a lot of things back then, Paige. We weren't exactly a Leave it to Beaver type of couple!" She all but hissed at him, not wanting to believe his words. She didn't want to believe him, because if it was true, if he had come back...well, it painted him in a different color than she had been viewing for all these years. It was so much easier to try to hate him, even if she knew she'd never succeed. "A couple of days, I can see. But I didn't hear from you for WEEKS. I didn't even know how to reach you!" And the real shit of the matter, is that she had promised herself over and over that if he had returned in that time that she would accept his offer. That they would go to LA. She would have been willing to take that chance, once she had had a moment to conquer the hormones that had been flooding her system...

Oh, it hurt to think about the origin of those hormones. Hurt to remember the cause. Hurt to remember the loss.

She pushed the thought away, refusing to look at him until she had herself more controlled. She didn't want to let him see her weak, and that was exactly how she felt in that moment...weak. "I would have gone." She whispered to the cool pane of the passenger side window. "I was scared, but I would have. I hope it was worth it, anyway." She fell silent then, watching the luminescence of the town as it passed them by. She knew it had been...she had heard his name on the radio waves a couple of times. And she'd damned near torn the knob off of said radio each time in her effort to turn it off. Hearing him would have just been more heartache...and well, her old world had been full enough of that.

She cast and assessing glance over the quaint hotel as they rolled to a stop in front of it, stricken by how run-down it had become. Hell, the whole town was! How could an entire city go to shit in just ten short years? She could feel his eyes on her as he turned to her, and she finally dared a glance his way. And Goddamn him! He looked so earnest, so gentle in the soft glow from the dash! It made her almost forget her contempt. There was comfort to be found in those devastatingly blue eyes, and the wounded little girl somewhere deep within her desperately wanted to find solstice there. But the creature she had become knew better, and she steeled herself against the onslaught of emotions that that gaze stirred within her.

I never intended to let you go...

Those words pierced the darkness of the cab, found their way to her and hit their mark. Any other woman might have melted at such a confession.Undoubtedly there had been a time when Kat would have herself. But now, when time had carved a canyon so deeply between them, all it those words did was burn. Because despite what he had intended...he had let her go. And it wasn't just his fault. She had her own mouth to blame.

"We fought, Paige. That was us. We said things...we said things we didn't mean. I sat in front of the window like a sick puppy for a week, hoping just to see your car on the driveway!" Her dark eyes flashed in the darkness as she tore her gaze away from him for a moment, trying to control herself so she wouldn't start screaming and wake up the whole damn place. Instead, she drew a deep breath before looking at him once more. "Despite what you intended...that's exactly what you did. You let me go." She gave a shrug of her bony shoulders then, her chocolate gaze finally rising to meet his fully. "It doesn't matter anymore, does it? You don't owe me anything. I was a lifetime ago. To each other...we're ghosts now." And wasn't that the truth?

Kat looked back towards the office as a sudden realization flooded her mind. Hotels usually wanted identification, a credit card of some kind. And they would damn sure want her name! How could she have been so dumb as to have agreed to come here? She would have been better off on the streets. To use her identity to obtain a room here would be sealing her fate with a kiss from her own two lips. Panicked, her gaze shot towards Paige. "I can't give them my name. I just can't. Please don't mention me. If you get two rooms, I'll pay you for one cash...but please, just don't mention my name. Don't even mention me. Okay? Please?" Even Kat could hear the craziness in her own voice, but Paige could never understand. Because when you were married to a monster and needed to disappear, that was one thing. But when that monster was a cop...a detective...when finding people was his business...that, friends and neighbors, was a completely different thing. That meant even the smallest details could be the difference between life and death.

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What if I'm a toothless leopard?

What if I'm a sheepless shepherd?

What if I'm an angel

Without wings to take me home?

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