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Date Posted: 14:56:12 05/20/16 Fri
Author: Casseopia
Subject: Thank you
In reply to: Casseopia 's message, "Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT" on 16:37:11 05/18/16 Wed

Thank you everyone for your advice. It's been very painful to read (especially the endless cries of He's GAY! Ouch.)

For all of the reasons you mentioned, I do believe our very short-lived marriage is over. The drugs, alcohol, lies and infidelity were all enough to break a relationship. Even one of these would probably have been enough to be honest.

I know you guys have experience which says otherwise but I still debate the trauma-related sexual acting out. And that is not denial, or wishing to 'save him' or wishing and hoping to work it out with him. I have seen it in my best friend who was abused and the acting out finished when she was ready for it to finish. She is now happily married, with children and faithful. I don't know (and will never know) if it will be the same for my husband. Maybe it's too deeply embedded now and he will continue to have sex with men and continue to be disgusted with himself. But I do believe that TGT was kicked off by some very traumatic abuse (aged 9), topped off with being sexually abused by his mother not long after that. Which explains why women and their sexuality are probably quite scary and feel uncomfortable for him, for now.

Anyway - you're all quite correct when you say that the debate isn't even important any more. It's not really. I'm moving on - as painful as that is, finding this all out two weeks after our wedding party - and I do have to accept that I may never know more than I know now. I do wish I had definitive answers but I have to accept that I don't and will probably never get them. My husband's childhood did a real number on him, sexually and emotionally and while all of my loving instincts are screaming that I should stand by him while he's in rehab, I can't help but feel I deserved better than this. I had my own childhood issues and it has taken me a long time to get to a place where I feel I deserve happiness. I thought I was there before I met my husband - and I thought we could build that beautiful life I thought I deserved. Unfortunately, he wore a very convincing, beautiful, shiny mask - which he kept very well polished in our four and a half years together.

They say that life will bring the same lesson around one more time, just to check that you learned it properly. In walking away, I am saying I learned. I am worth something more than this - and this has been my struggle since I was young. As traumatic, shocking and painful as this lesson has been, I do know that I am worth more, I am a good person, I do not have to let other people's issues define me. I'm doing OK. I will, in the future, do better.

I may be back at some point - but I hope it's only to do two things... 1. To say I'm doing good and thank you for helping me to get there. 2. To shout - He's GAY! RUN! at people who are just starting this journey, when needed. (Flippant comment, obvs...)

x

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Replies:

Re: Thank you -- Still Wondering, 15:30:07 05/20/16 Fri
- Re: Thank you -- Casseopia, 16:28:13 05/20/16 Fri
Re: Thank you -- lily, 15:32:23 05/20/16 Fri