Re: what do I do? -- Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

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Date Posted: 11:37:44 05/25/16 Wed
Author: Susan (There is a pattern...)
Subject: Re: what do I do?
In reply to: rachel 's message, "what do I do?" on 02:36:20 05/25/16 Wed

I'm so sorry you had to find yourself here Rachel. Thanks for sharing your story as that took a lot of COURAGE. I haven't been on this site for very long but in my short time here, I'm SHOCKED at how similar our experiences are. It's as if we're all following the same playbook. And what you've so bravely described mimics my experience EXACTLY.

Like you and many others, my journey started with a woman's INTUTION. Deep down I always knew my husband was gay but I actively denied it. After all, I grew up in denial with an alcoholic father and manic depressive mother. I further learned my denial from an expert: my closeted husband. I bought his excuses because I was good at keeping secrets and truly didn't want my marriage to be over...especially with KIDS.

So it started with a chance discovery of a gay website on his laptop. Then came more websites. Then the emails with male escorts. Then hanging out with gay friends who were 'fun' or random business trips. Eventually I found gay hook up sites on his phone. When I tried to discuss it, I got nothing but VENOM. Nothing was his fault. It was always me. He wasn't interested in sex because I was fat, boring, or simply didn't try hard enough. This was all bullsh*t of course. He wasn't interested in sex because he was FINALLY getting the sex he wanted/needed with other men.

Once things were finally out in the open, the dam broke. He changed. Like some sex-obsessed teenager, he started f*cking every man he could meet. There was no remorse nor guilt anymore. He was only interested in getting off with as many men as possible. I guess he was trying to make up for lost time.

You asked: "What do I do?" Listen to your heart. Follow your God-given intuition. There have been a number of posts from scared straight wives trying to find medical or psychological reasons to justify why their husbands f*ck other men. I went down this path as well. ("He's gay because he was fondled by a priest as a kid.") This is often part of a straight spouse's journey and lots of experts will try to justify his actions. Don't listen to them, stop listening to him, don't give in to denial, and stop blaming yourself. If a closeted man's mouth is moving, he's LYING.

Facts never lie. Straight men don't exchange intimate text messages with other men. Straight men don't surf gay porn sites. Straight men aren't 'curious' about gay hook ups. And straight men don't just randomly have sex with other men. If he's doing these things it's because he's gay. And he's never going to come out while married to you.

I shared in a recent post that the hardest choice I ever made was putting ME first. I'd spent my whole life living for others or living with other people who made me feel small. Well F*CK them! I took back my freedom and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. Why? Because it went against a lifetime of training that led me to marry a broken, closeted man.

You're not crazy, nor fat, not hormonal. You're SMART, BEAUTIFUL, and much more SANE than your gay in denial husband. "What do I do?" Make the right choices for you and your children. Good luck and keep us updated!

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Replies:

Re: what do I do? -- rachel, 12:22:08 05/25/16 Wed