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Date Posted: 12:12:03 08/02/16 Tue
Author: Squirrel
Subject: Don't know what to feel

Hi everyone.

My partner of 12 years recently ended our relationship on father's day and is now in a lesbian relationship.

Some background on me and us (this may be a bit of a read, put the kettle on!)

I was a chubby kid and was bullied hard by my older sister and at junior school. I could look after myself and was often in trouble for fighting bullies at school. This stopped when I moved to secondary school.

My first love who I got with at 17 (she was 15) I was with until i was 22. We never had penetrative sex but did everything else and the affection level was through the roof, we would spend hours kissing and cuddling, holding hands. We also fought a lot, she wanted to stay in and I wanted us to go out with friends. We split up after 5 years together and it hit me hard. I couldn't even speak to her for about 3 years. We are friends now. She stayed a virgin until she was about 30, and the man she gave her virginity to got her pregnant (they were trying for a baby) and left her.

I spent a few years on my own being the usual young man on the town, drinking, recreational drugs and mostly one night stands and a couple of short flings.

Then met her at 26. We met through a friend who worked with her. She took a shine to me and it was on. We spent the next year and a half having the best times ever. Fun, going out, sex, but there was always something missing I felt, i just couldn't put my finger on it but she told me I was hard to get close to which I found odd as I have always been pretty open with people but I promised to try harder, I had fallen in love with her.

We moved in together and things were OK for a while but then the affection and the closeness withered to nothing. I felt she didn't like me touching her so backed off. (Bear in mind my first love and when told no I respected that)

This went on for a few years, we would only have sex when we were drunk probably once a month, maybe less but there was no cuddling from her, we slept in bed like strangers and it felt like we were drifting apart. We never argued and we spoke about the closeness thing a fair bit and we both promised to try harder but it never really happened.

About 5 years ago it got so bad that I didn't think I could do it anymore, and told her one night, she kind of dismissed it and I backed down as I loved her so much I didn't want it to end and she said the same. We would work at it.

3 months later after another 1 off night we had sex (drunk) she is pregnant.

I was shocked as a. We were not having sex hardly at all and b. She was on the pill so I thought. She then tells me she came off the pill and told me but she didn't.

So now I feel I can't leave even if I wanted to, so I manned up and got my head down and put everything in to make it work.

She pulled further away from me. This is where it gets really messy. This all happens within the next year.

She has the baby and doesn't want me to be there for the birth. Her sister is there with her instead. I really want to be there but respect her wishes and only go in when she wants me later that evening.

Our dog dies from lymph cancer. I'm a wreck for a week. This is the last time I ever really remember her comforting me.

She gets a lump on her thyroid which turns out to be cancer. I am devastated, think we are going to loose her, I prayed for the first time in my life for god to take it off of her and give it to me. She is operated on and it is removed. (She's OK, been given the all clear and all her levels are good today) She doesn't want me to comfort her, doesn't want me to support her or even be near her but still says she loves me more than anything. Our neighbour has had the same cancer and she goes to her to help her through it. We are all good friends so I was glad she had sosomeone to talk to.

Her grandad who she is really close to dies after the onset of dementia. This really affected her and she still wouldn't let me in to help.

I start to spiral into depression and also develop terrible sciatica, I also stop taking care of myself. I was so low. Feeling unloved, unneeded, unwanted. Like im invisible. Have to sleep on the floor downstairs because of my back. Worried that I might have to give up work and then who's going to pay the bills? I need to provide for my family. She shows no empathy or anything for me. This makes me worse.

She strolls in one night drunk, I encouraged her to go out with friends to blow off steam while i babysat, I didn't know what else to do. Then tells me she doesn't love me anymore. I beg her to let me try and make it up. Spend the next 2 months putting in 200% effort while my back gets worse and I can hardly move and more and more depressed. Nothing is good enough and she kicks me out.

She really gets into spiritualism, reads cards, healing, seeing people's auras, talking to spirits. Psychic abillitys. To me who isnt that way at all, honestly think she's going a bit crazy.

We split for a year. She goes party crazy, starts a lesbian fling with the neighbour, tinder hookups, 3somes and god knows what else. I beg her back for 6 months and finally admit defeat and start moving on.

Exactly a year to the day we split, now I've started to heal, get my confidence and self esteem back, lost weight, starting to be me again, she phones. Crying her eyes out. She's made the biggest mistake of her life, wants me back.

We meet up to talk. I've read about grass is greener syndrome and self help books, I don't want to give her another chance after what she put me through but want my little boy to have a normal family. So I tell her that she is going to have to work for it and we lay down boundaries and discuss everything that's happened and was wrong with our relationship over and over again so we are both clear how we can move forward. We decide to start again fresh. And slowly.

And it was good for a few months. And then it all started to happen again. No affection, no closeness, no passion, no sex. I'm working out how to bring this up when I get a call from her saying she thinks we should just be friends. I agree. That's all we were anyway.

She wants to talk to me when I pick my son up and says she wants to work on it and us to be together. I really want that too, I love this girl so we agree to try.

She goes on a spiritual course and while she is away I sence something is horribly wrong. She hardly calls. When she comes back she is more distant than ever and after a week or so of her not improving, on father's day she is really off and I pull her up on it. She tells me she is feeling the way she did before about just being friends, I dont let her finish. IVE had enough now and say fine, I'm off this rollercoaster, pick up my son and leave.

We are being friendly for our son. But I've not spoken to her about us. Nor do I want to. Yesterday I get a text telling me she has been dating a woman and they are now together.

It all makes sense to me now, and I felt OK with the split until that message. Now I feel the whole relationship was a farce. She never loved me like I loved her and I told her this many many times we were together and she reasured me she did. When I think back to everything she said on our numerous heart to hearts when we were working things out was it all lies? I feel cheated, betrayed and stupid because my gut knew all along and I let her talk me round with promises that never came.

Sorry for the mahoosive post, really needed to vent. I've left a lot of other things out that happened over the years, if I remember anything important I will add it on.

My life sucks at the minute.

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Replies:

Re: Don't know what to feel -- Abby, 21:33:54 08/02/16 Tue
Re: Don't know what to feel -- Patti (Welcome), 16:42:45 08/03/16 Wed