| Subject: Re: Motherhood ambivalence? |
Author:
Jen
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Date Posted: 18:16:57 07/07/02 Sun
In reply to:
Scipio
's message, "Motherhood ambivalence?" on 16:59:22 07/07/02 Sun
Interesting article! The Compleat Mother ran an article on Wolf's book:
http://www.compleatmother.com/book_misconceptions.htm
I think people who are "unfulfilled" by motherhood have seriously deranged expectations for what it is supposed to be like. I mean, anyone who expects changing diapers or getting puked on or doing laundry to be "fulfilling" or "blissful" is nuts. To me, it is like someone who watches a trial on "Law & Order" and thinks "woo hoo, being a lawyer must be exciting, I wanna be one!"....not realizing that six months of stultifying document review (among other boring and/or unpleasant tasks) preceded the excitement and adrenalin rush of trial.
Motherhood is not supposed to be a stimulating, bliss-filled, destiny-achieving high 24/7. It's mostly hard work with a lot of boring stuff thrown in and only occasional glimpses of bliss and fulfillment. But that is true of ANY job or vocation. Even a brilliant musician has to log a lot of hours playing scales and tuning/cleaning the instrument before he can make beautiful music.
NOTHING is fun, interesting, stimulating, or blissful all (or even most) of the time. As the old adage goes, nothing good comes without some sacrifice, and to me that means that raising children (like any other accomplishment)is going to involve a lot of unglamorous (possibly unpleasant) gruntwork. Big deal! Get over it!
If a mother resents her children for not "giving" her the "fulfillment and stimulation" she thinks she deserves, she needs to (a) grow up and become less self-centered, since it isn't all about her, and (b) ask herself why she thinks that's how it is supposed to work, because nothing else works that way.
I also think it is bogus to say that full-time motherhood=loss of identity. Some people seem to THINK it is a martyr contest, but it isn't. Moms don't get prizes for achieving the greatest loss of self-identity!
There are so many things "even" SAHMs can do to "keep their identities" while SAH, such as:
Keep up with current events to be an informed voter! (As a mostly SAHM, I find that I pay a LOT more attention to current events than I did when I WOH f/t, and I am usually the one who briefs dh on the issues of the day--works for me, because that basically gives me 2 votes on every issue LOL).
Find hobbies! I have several, and the kids learn from watching me. Plus, if like Naomi Wolf you hate going to the park, you can have something to do there while your kids play. There is no reason that Mom can't "play" at her hobbies while the kids play at theirs. I sew while my kids use Play-Doh and read while they build with blocks. No, I don't feel the slightest bit obligated to play WITH them; I think they do better and are more creative without my involvement, and plus all they really care about is that I am THERE in the room with them (quantity time counts!)
Get involved in things that can be done in the evenings or when the kids are in school. Places are crying for volunteers, even just once a month.
ETC.
Sure, there are times when I am totally fed up. Kids can be exhausting! And I NEVER enjoy the grunt work of cleaning and washing. I just don't! It isn't very rewarding to do those things, because most of the time a new mess appears just as an old one got cleaned up. But that's life. I cannot resent my children or the state of motherhood for this. At least my kids kiss me and hug me, which is something my boss in my so-called "individually fulfilling" career ever did (hmmm...but I'd probably be set for life if he had, lol).
For a really good perspective on the issue of motherhood, I enjoyed "Motherhood Stress" by Deborah Shaw Lewis.
Jen
>Here's a link to an article I thought was kind of
>interesting:
>
>http://www.startribune.com/stories/389/3032985.html
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