| Subject: Re: He hurt my feelings |
Author:
Shelly
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Date Posted: 20:23:44 03/19/07 Mon
In reply to:
Heather
's message, "He hurt my feelings" on 16:26:55 03/19/07 Mon
I haven't been on here for awhile as I have been trying to move past the drama meth addiction caused our lives undeservingly. However, I have grown to care about your situations on here, so I still read your posts once in awhile.
Heather, first off -your first post was about co-dependency. I think you may have misread your 'co-dependent' behavior when it was actually your intuitions telling you not to trust -and when we get those feelings, sometimes it makes us want to cling on more to keep the 'good' and not face the decent, lies, unfaithfulness, selfishness. In reading your posts, I believe that as much as you want to believe Spencer has changed -he hasn't. As much time as you think it has been for him to change -it hasn't been long. I also believe that as hard as it is to get over the feelings we have for our child(rens) father, we have to do so in the best interest of ourselves first and foremost. If you continue to trust Spencer, only to be let down, what is that doing to you? In effect (as everything has a cause and effect), how does that transpire into how available you are to your boys?
Spencer is your sons father -you can not change that fact. How he treats you romantically should in no way shape or form be dependent on if he should be around your son. What you need to focus on is if he is using and if he is a positive influence on your son -not you. From that view point you can answer your questions on whether to allow him to 'still have a relationship' with your son. You have to take your romantic feelings for Spencer out of the equation.
I have been through the ups and downs with my daughters father. However, sometimes the person we have a child with is not the person we are meant to be with -regardless of how 'right' it may feel. I no longer have to battle those feelings now as his addiction caused so much damage myself nor my daughter have any connection to him anymore -and it actually is easier this way.
I simply think after all of the posts I have read from you -that Spencer is an addict -whether he is actively using or not -he still has the behaviors, selfishness, and disregard that all addicts have until and unless they are willing to take ENORMOUS steps to change not only their addiction, but their coping skills and interpersonal skills. Until they love themselves enough to TRULY love another the way you want them to. I think you want Spencer to be a man he is not -not yet anyway -to give you something you are lacking (as a single mother myself -I know that lacking is loneliness and wanting someone to love and accept you). I don't think Spencer has the capabilities to be that for you right now -as he still has a lot of work to do on himself.
Sorry so long. I see myself in you and have learned the very very hard way how to let go and move forward - for myself and for my child.
Hope that helps! :)
God Bless.
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