| Subject: Re: It Ends when you let Go...Free Spirit and Heather |
Author:
Shelly
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Date Posted: 22:09:09 08/07/06 Mon
In reply to:
Free Spirit & New Spirit
's message, "It Ends when you let Go..." on 10:04:35 08/07/06 Mon
Thank you Free Spirit & New Spirit for your post! I enjoyed reading what you wrote and your responses to Heather! It is nice to hear that in time you just don't give a sh*t anymore -but the thing that remains is -these men are still our child(ren)'s father and we still have to deal with them for the rest of our damn lives! How daunting! ;)
Heather -I have to tell you that I agree that you are still caught up in it on some level. You want to be reassured that he is either using (his mood changes) or he is not (looking good). I don't think it's that black and white and here's why: A lot of users have some emotional &/or personality disorders prior to using -some of which became users to self medicate, feel better, escape, whatever. I believe that some people became users just b/c they got addicted and once they truly hit rock bottom and get help they are back on the other side. I think there are others who even if they stop using, they still have these personality disorders that remain maddening. I say this b/c when my ex first 'quit' and went into therapy he informed me that his therapist though he may have Boderline Personality Disorder. Heather -look it up on the internet. Your ex sounds a lot like mine and even minus the drug use, all those quirks and on again/off again behaviors are still there. Ironically, once you read about this personality disorder it says that a lot of people end up drug or alcohol addicts. Interesting! Anyway --my point here is that crazy making is crazy making period -whether your ex really is using or not. He still is trying to manipulate and control -whether he looks healthy or not -he isn't!! So -let it go and move forward. I say this with only love as this has been my huge lesson the past few weeks and I too struggle with it constantly! I have to work really hard to let it go -but I am doing it slowly but surely. After my ex's threatening emails last week telling me basically it's my fault he isn't seeing his daughter (nevermind he hasn't asked to see her in over 8 weeks), I am denying him his basic rights, my obvious dislike of him is causing a rift between he and his daughter (hello -you haven't asked to see her until today), and he WILL be at my house at 7pm on Sun. Guess what? My responses were short and stuck to the subject 'not until you get help and take drug tests' Normally I would argue, rationalize, try to make him see how freaken ridiculous he is being-but I learned he doesn't hear me. Today I had to drop by some receipts for him on the off chance he decides to pay me the $878 he owes me. He recently moved and I did not have his address so decided to just put it in his mailbox figuring he would be in bed all day. He was home, front door open, windows open, and I simply dropped it in mailbox and walked away. Normally I would have WANTED to talk to him, see how he looks to tell if he's using, felt the NEED to communicate with him. Not anymore! Oh -and as I was walking up to his mailbox his damn maid was in the garage folding his laundry. Okay -so I am still learning to let go and still struggling with it -but this pissed me right off. I am working my a$$ off everyday to make a life for me and my daughter -I have $0 in my checking account until next payday b/c I bought her new school clothes and paid for a camp that HE PROMISED HER she could attend and he would pay for then he dissappeared. All the while -he is NOT working, smoking meth, driving an $80,000 brand new BMW, and has a damn maid to clean up after him and do his damn laundry!! I barely have enough energy after work, taking my daughter to dance classes, and making dinner to pick up my shoes! I have no $ to go to the laundry mat to DO our laundry - and HE is sittingo n his a$$ getting high everyday and is paying someone to clean up after him while NOT paying for his daughter's needs! NOW THAT PISSES ME OFF!!
But -Im still proud of myself for dropping off the envelope and going along my merry way!
Whew -that was a long post! I had a lot to say! Sorry! :)
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