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Date Posted: Mon, 02/24/03 4:06am
Author: chahta_ndn_girl0
Subject: crazy girl seeks help

Hello all...

I post this here instead of the other place, because, well its just more personal hear. This is where only my "buds" are!

As I have mentioned before, I have panic disorder. Well today is the day that I start (hopefully) getting my life back.

I have an appointment with an O-fficial head doctor! I am absolutely positive that I am going to regret writing this later, but its 3:30 a.m. and I cant sleep, and to be honest, am having a very hard time of it right now! So, in my feeble little brain of the moment, thought, ya know, I need to get some of this crap out of my head (before it just explodes all over my living room walls - and I just painted in here a couple of months ago!)so why not let some of it out with you guys!

I have very much learned that I am the type of person that can be understanding and sympathetic to anyone else having "mental and emotional" problems, and can support them. But in myself, it is nothing more than a collosal weakness!!! So I am beating myself up pretty good!

I think the thing that is killing me the most, is that I can so much remember the DJ I used to be! And I just can't seem to find her anymore! My mom used to refer to my personality as effervesent (bubbly)! I was the laughter of the party, the ever optimist! My glass was ALWAYS half full. There was nothing that I could not do, all I had to do, was do it!

Thats not me now, and I want ME back!

But I wont go in to the miles-long list of all the horrible things I feel about my present person. How "pity party" is that!!!?!!!! Instead I am trying so desperatly to tell myself, convince myself, that I am on the road to recovery! I have taken that proverbial "first step" toward "mental health"! (barf!)

God, I hope this works. I hope swallowing what ever freakin pills they have, and dumping my brains out on the table for these doctors to pick thru, will bring me back! I just want ME back again!

Ok.. enough of that!! Sorry! Sometimes a girl just needs a good cry I think, and hey, why not at 4:00 in the morning!?? (I just know I am gonna kick myself in the ass for writing this shit!)

So anyway.. wish me luck and all that stuff... and I am outta here!

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