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Date Posted: 02:04:08 05/18/03 Sun
Author: Lance (posted & edited by Sprite)
Subject: A hilarious freaking survivor update - Lance's Survivor Amazon Finale Update
In reply to: Sprite 's message, "Well, my adoring fans," on 01:15:58 05/18/03 Sun

Survivor Finale day was a beautiful day – Mother’s Day even. A day of joy and love and a great meal, plus, there was a pretty good chance that I would learn some new obscene American Sign Language gestures when Christy got her chance to speak on the jury...

This two-hour finale (TWO FREAKIN HOURS!) began with a ten minute re-crap of the entire season which amounted to...

Girls: cry, bitch, whine, boil their panties, bathe each other.

Boys: chop and hack the forest, build, bond,fish, fantasize, build some more.

Girls & Boys live together:

Girls: whine, cry, bitch, strip, flirt, bathe each other.

Boys: chop and hack the forest, build, bond, fish, sharpen machetes, flirt, burn down the camp, hack and chop the forest some more, rebuild everything, fish, build some more.

OK - in brief (yeah right haha)
Night - everyone is overjoyed to be rid of heidi and her amazing fun bags.

Rob: Having Heidi out is a relief. No matter how hot a chick is, you know there’s a dude somewhere that’s sick of her and I was that guy.

At this point he then spit and grabbed his “package” (and I use this term generously) HAHA

Butch also had a lot to say about Heidi being gone. Unfortunately it was completely unintelligible because Butch apparently has a dozen or so marbles in his mouth at any given time.

Jenna chimed in too. With Heidi gone I have surpassed all my goals. I am now THE biggest whore left in the game

Matt just shapens his machete (that he has named "Bob". Bob the Machete.)

DAY 37:
This begins like so many other days: with Matt destroying things around the campsite with a maniacal gleam in his eye using Bob the machete.

Butch then began some sort of primitive rain dance looking like a constipated Steve Martin performing King Tut. I can’t describe it in more detail because it burned my retinas.

Rob articulates what all of America is thinking. Butch is insane. Matteo thinks so. Matteo's machete Bob thinks Butch is nuts. It’s unanimous.

Butch’s rain dance pays off in a torrential downpour during the immunity challenge, a blind folded maze where each of the survivors will try to navigate the course while collecting necklaces that represent Earth, Wind, Fire and The Commodores.

Matt, Jenna and Rob are basically even through the first several stages. Butch is like the slow kid at a first grader’s birthday party. You know the one – the kid who gets disoriented during pin the tail on the donkey and walks out into traffic.

Butch ends up in Cancun. But he does manage to cop a cheap feel at Jenna’s expense.

Rob, sensing an opportunity immediately slathers himself in peanut butter and follows Jenna around but its not happening Rob Boy. Jenna gropes her way to victory.

The boys look mortified. Jenna looks smug. Jeff looks bored. I look at my watch.

Back at camp, its a whole new ballgame. Matt expects people to start negotiating to save themselves. Bob the Machete agrees with Matt’s insightful comments

While Jenna and Butch negotiate a deal, out in the woods, Rob, Bob the Machete and Matt make plans to get rid of Butch. Matt recognizes that Rob is screwed because he has no relationship left with the other two. Even Bob the Machete doesn’t trust him.

Jenna manages to keep her word for 11 and a half minutes. Butch is toast!

At tribal counsel Jeff asks them for their thoughts about how they have done in the game.

I don’t know what the fuck Butch said. The only words I could pick up were wonderful, positive and quiet. I feel really bad. I normally speak and lip-read slack-jawed yokel pretty well, but something about Butch is perplexing.

Matt reflected on how his honesty and versatility, his strong alliance with Bob the Machete and his trustworthiness had brought him so far into the game.

Rob said something about zig zag papers that went a little over my head.

Jenna took off her top when asked to demonstrate what she brought to the game.

All four babble a little bit more before Jeff tells them it’s time to vote.

Rob: votes Butch – only you can set forest fires

Butch: votes Rob – he said something, but as you well know I can’t possibly hope to tell you what it was. HAHAA!

Butch pulled it together in his final words. He reminded everyone to believe in themselves and you can accomplish anything. Just like Butch. He managed to get on Survivor, dance REALLY badly, set the rainforest on fire and be the object of ridicule for 37 long days. Way to live the dream Butch.

day 38:

The Survivors scarf down the grand slam size stack of manioc flapjacks. Jeff freaks everyone out by just sauntering into camp and sending them on a sea plane tour of the area they’ve been hacking, burning and destroying.

Once the three are dropped off they travel by canoe to a craft mall in the middle of the Amazon. There they have to decorate their hair, bodies and faces with beads, fruits, paints, feathers, et

Jenna makes some ta-ta tassels, Matt fashions himself an athletic supporter from leaves and berries.

Then to tribal counsel. The idiots for unknown reasons didn't build a big enough jury box. The losers were practically stacked on top of each other. Either that or it was an orgy. Since Butch was there, I’m betting it wasn't.

The survivors have to hold the headdress they just made above their head while they stand on a perch. This ought to be pretty exciting to watch. People in ugly hats standing on a piece of plywood. It just doesnt get any better than this - ...seriously... I'm not kidding with you. it really doesn't.

Matt took a dive and Rob, the consummate player imediately tells Jenna if she steps off, he’ll take her to the finals. Jenna politely tells him to fuck off, she’d rather just let it play out.

Then in a not-so-surprisingly replay of his entire life, Rob turns out to be a big loser. He caved. He came up short. He shot himself in the foot. He sucked. In other words, he fell off his little perch and with him, fell the hopes of a legion of Survivor fans who wanted to see an actual player in the final 2. What a tool.

Jenna goes to vote off one of the guys, but before she leaves she makes a dramatic soliloquy about how she wants to take the best of the best into the finals with her instead of an easy mark. Cause she’s playing with – you guessed it: Integrity. Truth. Justice. Liberty. Mom’s Apple Pie. And those Adorable Olsen Twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley. I totally bought it. She’s really quite an innocent young thing. She just really really likes peanut butter and it causes her to act irrationally on occasion.

In a surprise to no one, Rob becomes the last jury member. I kinda hate to see the little piss ant go. He’s obnoxious and boorish, but he played a great game. He’s just a tool

Jenna is starting to strike me as likeable. Seriously. And Matt has held a certain charm for weeks now. The Evil Pecker Mark has done it again. I’m all emotionally invested in these nimrods. Damn you Mark Burnett. Damn you.

So Matt procedes to nearly incinerate himself as the camp boat and all that E-bay loot goes up with a whoosh!

As they leave for tribal counsel - each loser gets to speak.

Rob: men vs. women – who cares. It should have been me. I’m such a tool

Christy: Matt is sincere, generous and caring. Jenna is...
(my notes are not clear, but I think there were a few universally recognizable hand gestures going on at this point.)

Alex: I’m looking for honest answers Dude.
(I really hate this guy)

Heidi: I’m an athlete. I’m pretty. I’m smart. I’m humble. Why should I even acknowledge anybody else?

Butch: (using chicken speak) brak brak brak

(I think he said the word deserving. You know how hard it is to tell with Butch.)

Deena: it’s the workhorse vs. the sex goddess. Why can’t a woman like me who actually looks like a horse win this game?

Dave: I’m a rocket scientist. Don’t talk out of your ass.

Matt and Jenna are fortunate enough to be judged by a true jury of their peers. Across from them sit seven lunatics who are either a) completely self-absorbed or b) utterly devoid of a clue. Or c) both. (hint, hint: that would be Butch).

Jeff calls his captives to order and lets the Final 2 begin by make their opening statements. I’m thinking maybe the gloves are gonna finally come off!

Jenna: You know enough to make a decision. I’d just like to remind all of you that I played morally.

Deena: coughcough:skankywhore:coughcough

Matt: I was a provider, I was dedicated to the tribe. I had the sharpest machete. I never said die – well except for when I was screaming “die you blood sucking pigs die” that one time when I was out catching pirana but that can’t really be counted against me. And I played the game with integrity. For many days, Bob the Machete was my only friend.

Alex: coughcough*homicidalmaniac*coughcough

Jeff: We’ll open it up to questions now. Butch you’re first.

A brilliant idea! Any time you want to get an important occasion off to a dramatic and articulate start, let Butch do it. And wtf was that when he walked up to ask his question? Some faux rock tumbled down onto the set. Butch had to hurriedly assume his patented King Tut position to avoid being decapitated.

I finally put my finger on it. Butch sounds a lot like BoomHower from King of the Hill. Except without the clarity and careful enunciation. It’s impossible to understand a thing he is saying. His absence on the series is making a lot more sense now.

Butch: (using chicken speak) brak brak brak I tell you what brak brak brak both of you said you were honest brak brak brak did you ever lie in the game?

Jenna: I lied when I told Rob that if he just asked hot girls would be willing to have a threesome with him. That would never happen. Not even in a parallel universe. You’ve got a better shot at getting some Butch.

Matt: Once Dave asked me if I was an android, and I denied it. Total fabrication. And in the interview process, I told the producers that I had never killed anyone. Technically, that’s not entirely true. I would like to clarify it to say that I have never killed anyone with a machete. Yet.

Oooooooo-kay, moving on to Rob who asked one of my all-time favorite survivor jury questions

Rob: so why do you think the other person shouldn’t win?

Matt: she’s a 21 year old swimsuit model. Like she hasn’t hit life’s jackpot already. And you do remember that she washed her underwear in the drinking water right? Come on – it’s Jenna – peanut butter stripping Jenna. Bin Laden would have nobler intentions for this money.

Jenna: I really only enjoy talking about myself, but I suppose I could spare a few seconds. First of all, he’s tried to kill several of us with his machete. Secondly, he’s an android. Rob, you’ve memorized the rule book – surely you realize that you have to be an American to win this game. Merit and hard work is for chumps (and chubbies) I think you should reward someone who gets by solely on their looks – that’s the American Way.

Next Alex was called up to the giant fake rock. Um, I mean podium. I have to admit it. I hate Alex. He does this head-bobble thing and says dude a lot. Like “Dude, you are a bad ass – I gotta send you to loser lodge even though we had an alliance”

Alex: First of all, don’t say the words “honesty” or “integrity” in your answer. (if it wasn’t for the eerily familiar smirk, I would have found Alex incredibly hot at this moment) What is your biggest regret in the game?

Jenna: I didn’t always accessorize that well. I should have realized that the buff as headdress look is overplayed but the buff as miniskirt ala Colleen is very retro chic.

Matt: I regret not killing all of you in your sleep when I had the chance. My alien overlords will be displeased.

Next up is Rocket Boy

Dave: I’m a freaking rocket scientist – did you know that? And I totally get threesomes whenever I want. Cause I’m a rocket scientist. And nothing is sexier to a chick than a scientist. Wanna know my best pick up line? That is a pocket protector in my pants and I am happy to see you. Since I’m a rocket scientist, I want to ask an intellectual, pretentious and otherwise random question. I think it will illustrate how sexy I am. Because I am a rocket scientist.

Jeff: you haven’t actually asked a question yet Dave.

Dave: Right. I’m just so preoccupied being a rocket scientist. Anywho, what modern leader do you think you patterned yourself after in this game. I personally think I am like John Glenn. He is an astronaut and I am a rocket scientist, so clearly the parallels are striking.

Matt: Pol Pot.

Dave returns with a blank, mildly disturbed stare.

Matt: My machete blade is sharp my friend. I envision a day when my collection of shrunken heads is complete. I’m gonna saute Roger’s with some fava beans and little chianti.

Of course Matt followed this up with the whole tongue thing that Antony Hopkins does, but it’s really hard to spell ppppffffffttttttt correctly – even when you are hooked on phonics.

Jenna: I don’t like to think about leaders and stuff. Cause most of them aren’t pretty. Or thin. Madeline Albright was a little too hippy to be considered a role model don’t you think? And Indira Ghandi? That chick needed to get acquainted with a pair of tweezers. So, I guess my role model is Vanessa Williams cause she managed to work some titillating lesbian action and nudity into her reign as Miss America. That’s not easy. Plus, she married a professional athlete – that girl is smart. Even if she is really old now. Old women tend to have problems with me cause I have a nice body. Old fat women have a lot of issues. I think it’s better to just be yourself. Especially if you are young and thin and pretty.

Jeff: no point in stopping the parade of the vapid now. Heidi, you’re up.

Once again, Heidi manages to brilliantly capture the uber whore look. Big, fried hair, low cut blouse with her flotation devices hanging out and a rubber band masquerading as a skirt. If the whole teaching America’s youth thing doesn’t work out, I envision a career as a Lot Lizard.

Heidi: Is there anyone more deserving than the two of you? Anyone you think should be up there instead of you?

Matt: I’d have to say Rob. He taught me everything I know.

Jenna: I hate to just copy Matt’s answer, but I agree. Rob’s strategy and knowledge of the game were unsurpassed.

Jeff: Is that good enough Heidi?

Heidi: Well I was just wondering if that was the only one.

Matt: Uh-huh.

Jenna: Well, Gretchen was robbed in Season 1, but that’s not really the issue here is it?

Heidi: No one else at all?

Matt: No

Jenna: Not really.

Heidi: maybe an athlete with a high I.Q.?

Matt: not ringing a bell, sorry.

Heidi: a cute girl with a nice body who used her sex appeal to further her in the game.

Jenna: that would be me.

Heidi: raggedy hair, retainer?

Matt: Christy doesn’t wear a retainer.

Jeff: I think we’re done here Heidi. And for God’s sake put on some underpants.

Next up is Deena:

Deena: Jenna, do you think we should award the money based on need and not on merit

Jenna: Yeah. That or looks. Either way.

Deena: ooooooookay, and Matt – why did you say may the best man win.

Matt: Because I only consider people with penises to be my equal.

Next up, Christy

Christy: so Matt, what were your impressions of me as a deaf person

Matt: I thought you had a really funky accent
(That’s the beauty of this game – that’s what he really said.)

Christy: And Jenna, did you mean to compare the handicap of beauty to the handicap of being hearing impaired.

Jenna: Look, Christy – I don’t expect you to understand the burden of beauty. You are fortunate enough to be hideously plain.

time for final words.

Matt: I realize that I am an android. And I named my machete Bob. And I tried to kill all of you with that machete. And granted - that’s a little creepy. But do you really want to give the money to this whore?

Jenna: I’m pretty and thin. I deserve it.


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