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Date Posted: 05:31:36 05/24/05 Tue
Author: bfny
Subject: you know what, LS? I am caving right now

Through a terrible misunderstanding between my wife and me, we had unprotected sex, and wouldn't you know it? The day here period was to begin, she informed me that it hadn't yet and I started to joke that maybe something went wrong with her diaphram. She said, "I took it out, don't you remember?" Needless to say, I was like "no, you never told me. If you had, I wouldn't have..."

Anyway, we are currently going through an utterly agonizing, horrible situation. We never wanted a third child. I particularly have said since before the second child that I didn't think I could physically or emotionally do a third child. I just can't imagine having a third child and still live in NYC and moving out of NYC would cause me and my wife to go into a deep funk. Maybe we could have a third child here but not with a six-year-old and a two-year-old. The logistics of it are mind-boggling. We know two couples that have three kids and it's rough. We both have jobs and we both need to keep our jobs - for both the income and for the sanity. My job is as stressful as it gets sometimes. With the WTC, I just got off a month of busting my hump for at least 12 hours a day, and some on the weekends. Plus between my cell and now my blackberry, I'm basically on call all of the time.

My wife and I discuss this every evening and it never ceases to be emotional. We've visited the doctor together and discussed our options. I was with her for a sonogram, which is supposed to be a joyous thing, not a sick feeling. We are 90 percent sure that we are going to end the pregnancy medicinally, at six weeks. We need to be 100 percent sure by Thursday afternoon because that's the appointment date. When I saw the sonogram, I viewed a cyst. I viewed a fibroid. I viewed a forming sac. I never saw a baby. Yes, there is the potential (and probability) for life in there. But there isn't a baby...yet. It's a fertilized egg. Is that a rationalization on my part? Most probably. Do I feel sick in my stomach about what I'm preparing to be a part of? Absolutely. Does my wife feel even sicker about it? Definitely? Am I a genocidal murderer? I don't think so, although I would imagine some on here would disagree.

It's tough. It sucks. I wish I could tell you that I'm strong enough to say, what the hell. Let's have a third child. Or strong enough to basically say I have no problem working harder...or selling my house and moving to a less attractie neighborhood....or moving out of NYC altogether...or giving up what's left of my time not spent at work or parenting (which seems about 10 minutes a week) and devote it to a baby I'm not mentally or emotionally prepared to have nor ever thought I was in "danger" of having...

When CaB asked in the Woodshed about a month ago how I could be pro-choice but would likely never have an abortion myself, I was dead serious in my answer at the time that I could be both. It wasn't until I was actually faced with the prospect of an unwanted pregnancy, though, that I found I could truly answer the question.

Sorry that some of you will think less of me after hearing this, but that's why I went off in the Woodshed last night. Because it's easy to point fingers and be morally disgusted when you aren't in the situation yourself.

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