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Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Tim Davenport, 5/05/06 8:40pm
Dear Roger
Please accept my sincere apology for the obvious oversight.
I meant to reply to you yesterday but my dutiful and very erotic sister-in-law cooked a bacon sandwich which gave me a hideous burping fit lasting for days if not weeks. My Doctor told me to simply drink some water but I don`t like to be seen to be cruel to harmless burps so I decided to just let it run its course.
You`re quite correct in that we did have a gentleman`s e-shake, and being as I am a man of honour and a christian to boot I still wish to proceed. Of course I can`t be responsible cost-wise for any outlay you would have made with regard to supplies and wiring. It`s not the money you understand but merely a matter of princible. Sorry if I sound a bit tight by the way (chuckles) in fact my wife often jokes that I have very deep pockets and extremely short arms when it comes to forking out for things. She also says mirthfully that I wear extremely baggy y-fronts and have an extremely puny.. but that`s as far as i`m going on that score. My motto is one has to be happy with what ones got, and, it`s the little things in life that count in the main - not completely though.
Thank you for your very kind gesture of offering to send back my ex-wife and ex mother-in-law. You`re really too kind
and I would have to insist that you dispose of them shall we say in a dark and desolate alleway somewhere, might I suggest downtown chicago? Finally, I think i`m right in saying that we have a non-verbal, but fully binding agreement that any profits that your good self and/or Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall make directly or indirectly via either of our efforts will be shared 50-50 straight down the middle in my favour?
Please reply at your earliest convenience. Time is of the essence. Regards T Davenport.
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Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 5/05/06 11:03pm
Dear Tim,
Of course I accept your apology, I must admit I have been a bit edgy these past few days myself. With the return of Meat Free Chicken Casserole, my anxious waiting for Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. to return to action, you can see how I am obviously stressed.
Did you know camels were carnivorous? Neither did I until Mavis walked among them with that cleaver (thought we had hidden all the sharp objects) I suppose it was the reek of thousands of pork chops or something but they devoured Mavis in mere moments. Cindy came by about then and in their shark like feeding frenzy she was gone in a flash. Well that takes care of that nasty business at least. I have had the camels placed in the cellar of your establishment, all that remains is to get your nephew Bernard ( who both Mavis and Cindy mentioned was a Lay About) into the establishment, ply him with several pints of ale and send him off to the third floor gents. That should give you enough time to remove to a safe location at least several blocks away.
As per our split I am sure if you look at paragraph 9872345.658912.3A of the contract with the aforementioned electron microscope you will see the split is 99.3% /.7%. I am sorry if this causes any inconvenience, but we do have expenses.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Tim Davenport, 6/05/06 3:38pm
Dear Roger
Thank you for being so understanding, I have been under a lot of stress also, my mother-in-law has really been getting on top of me lately and it`s been a heavy burden to bear I can say. I`m very pleased that Meat Free Chicken Casserole, Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. have returned to action, they have been sorely missed by us all.
I did`nt know that camels were carniverous actually,
I thought they fed mainly on cacti and dessert mushrooms which can be found in abundance in the Gobi, seldomly on hackney marshes.. Mavis had a habit of sleep walking with an axe which was one of the many reasons why I grew to loathe and distrust her over the years. I`m pleased that they both met their demise swiftly though, I think you will agree with me when I say that even the crudest of beasts should be treated humanely particularly when it comes to ousting them such a way. I take it you have had the vet in to check the camels over for distemper and rabies? Mavis and Cindy were`nt the most hygenic of bitches you would ever come across so my advice is have everyone who comes into contact with the heroic "offending" camels innoculated against all known diseases. My nephew Bernard held down 4 jobs to keep those two in clover so for them to call him a "layabout" is completely un-called for. I don`t suppose Mavis told you of the time when she seduced poor Bernard? I thought not, it was at a barbecue last summer. Bernard was just 34 and had burnt and over-heated his sausage. Mavis (the predatory nymph that she was) offered to slide it between her two bulbous "baps" to cool it down a little. Bernard, being a little naive, did`nt realise the sexual connotations, until that is Mavis demanded the dj play "Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye over and over again. Bernard became a man that evening..
Lastly, having closely scrutinised our contract with a stolen electron microspope I can see the clause that you mentioned. Frankly although the small-print was to say the least "microscopic" I concede that your share will be as you mentioned in your previous letter. (Y)7% (M)93.7%.
Kind regards
Tim Davenport Esq.
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Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 7/05/06 11:04am
Dear Tim,
You are obviously dyslexic and not very good at simple arithmetic at that 7% + 93.7% = 100.7% Least wise why do you think you are getting even 93% I get 99.3% and you can have the leftover .7& plus your imaginary .7% so I guess you lucked out after all, got twice what I was originally offering. Lets do Business again soon.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
PS- let me know when the ashes are cooled, seems I lost some car keys when I put the camels inside.
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Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Snitch, Snatch, Grapple Solicitors, Commisioners for Oaths., 7/05/06 5:48pm
DearSirs
We act on behalf of Mr Timothy Davenport who we understand you have been corresponding with over the past few days. Our client has requested for us to take Court action against your practise and we hereby summons you to appear at Luton County Court on the date of 16/06/06. Please see below the charges that are to be brought against you:
(1) Falsifying a document or documents in order to gain money by deception.
(2) Two counts of murder; Count one: Our clients wife; Count two: Our clients mother-in-law. These offences took place yesterday at places unknown and at a time unknown.
(3) One count of character assassination; You accused our client of being incapable of simple arithmatic.
(4) Cruelty to animals; Feeding human flesh to various camels thus turning them into carnivours.
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Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 7/05/06 9:37pm
Dear Snitch, Snatch & Grapple Solicitors, Commissioners for Oaths,
We at Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall have a long history in defending our practices, especially in the Luton County Court. As Solicitor of Record for Mr. Timothy Davenport, we have weighed our options and already had him declared legally insane as of Wednesday last. Therefore I am sure you would agree even the fine Judges of the Luton County Court would not entertain your petition to represent Mr. Davenport. However being fair minded we would like to just make this all go away without ever stepping into a court of law. After all that’s our firms motto, "Settle Out Of Court" saving both our clients and ourselves much embarrassment.
I propose that we have Mr. Davenport transported to the sanitarium with haste, and split the proceeds.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Tim Davenport, 8/05/06 8:37pm
Dear Sir
I just thought I would let you know that as of today I will be representing myself. My former defence solicitor Art Grapple of Snitch, Snatch & Grapple Solicitors, Commissioners for Oaths informed me that he is unable to represent me because in his words I am "A pip short of an apple." Mr Grapple also told me that he is not the only one who thinks i`m a "fruitcake" and that probably the only person MAD enough to represent me is is in fact.."ME!"
Taking all the above into account, and my further rapid depths into madness I am ready to accept any reasonable offer you are willing to give. Finally I do hope that this does`nt sound like a veiled threat but I recently purchased a very large, stainless steel, self-sharpening, self-lubricating razor sharp meat cleaver (industrial version) and am still looking for a "Good Home" for it if you catch my demented drift.
Many thanks in anticpation for your earliest and extremely generous reply. I remain (worse luck) Mr Tim Davenport
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Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 8/05/06 11:05pm
My Good Sir,
It's unfortunate that you were just not cut from the right cloth for being a captain of industry, sadly we here at Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall Attorneys at Law see this all too often. I trust that when you get to Happy Pines and the seditive wears off you will get in touch with our former client.
Dr. Phineas K. Batsinbelfry
Happy Pines Sanatorium
Post Lobotomy Ward
Room 3
London
W12 OAE
Not unlike yourself Dr. Batsinbelfry was a promising young profesional until stricken with utter insanity. I am only glad we were able to provide for his keeping rather than have him wandering the streets. Mr. Kneebreaker will be by later to administer the seditive via dart gun and collect that nasty cleaver for safe keeping.
Per our current agreement we will make sure you have a long and confined stay at Happy Pines. In the meanwhile we will invest your money to assure your care until you death.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Dr Barry Ronaldson Head of Care Fulchester Unit, Preston, 9/05/06 5:06pm
Dear Sir
I am writing to you regarding a patient we recently took into care by the name of Timothy Davenport. As you are his next of kin I am obliged to inform you that we have him in our custody and I do hope this does`nt come as too much of a shock to you.
Tim was sectioned under the mental health act yesterday after exposing himself to a flock of pigeons in Trafalgar Square, Central London. The pigeons had to be put down as they went into severe shock after the atrocity. Luckily an off duty wpc Mandy Griffiths happened to be passing by who grappled Timothy to the ground and overpowered him with a quick knee in the cobblers and a sharp belt from her truncheon across his buttocks.
Timothy said that he would welcome a visit from you if you could summon the forgiveness and manage to somehow get to Fulchester within the next day or two.
Please let me know when you will be visiting and I will arrange for the hancuffs, leg-irons and muzzle to be removed.
Yours repsectfully
Dr Barry Ronaldson
Head of Care
Fuklchester Psychiatric Unit
Preston
PR2 4GH
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Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 9/05/06 6:13pm
My Good Dr. Ronaldson,
I am relieved to hear Mr. Davenport is in good hands at a secure facility. My associate, Mr. Anthony Kneebreaker had gone to collect Tim last evening to transport him to Happy Pines Sanatorium, where arrangements had been made for his long term care. We were of course distressed at his absence and the fact that the extra large stainless steel, self sharpening and lubricating industrial cleaver Mr. Davenport had just purchased was missing as well.
It was indeed a stroke of luck that wpc Mandy Griffiths was at Trafalgar Square to apprehend him, for I can’t imagine what he may have done next. As it seems Mr. Davenport has truly "gone round the bend" our firm acting as his representatives felt it would be in our best interest to transport him to Happy Pines Sanatorium at the earliest possible. I will be sending Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije , of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. around today to collect him. As you may know Tim was once a successful businessman and we would like to keep this little incident quiet if you catch my drift. Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije will be bringing a large steamer trunk filled with pound notes, which they will leave as payment for care given and your discretion in this matter. There should be sufficient to reimburse you for the handcuffs, leg irons and muzzle as well. If you could just have a couple of your orderlies assist in loading Mr. Davenport into the trunk and assisting loading it on the lorry we will be off to Happy Pines as originally planned.
Should you need to contact:
Mr. Tim Davenport
Happy Pines Sanatorium
Post Lobotomy Ward
Room 4
London
W12 OAE
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Dr Barry Ronaldson Head of Care Fulchester Unit, Preston, 9/05/06 9:11pm
Dear Roger
Further to my previous message I have some good and bad news to report. The bad news is that Timothy overpowered 6 female wardens overnight and escaped by posing as a visiting probation officer. Apparently "George" the butchest of our female wardens, (you can picture the type), tatooed, muscular arms, geezers gait, and a gruff-booming voice to match, tried to administer a liquid cosh dose by intrevenous injection to Timothy, when he, (Timothy) was having none of it and punched George flush on the jaw knocking her sparko.
According to eyewitnesses the other 5 female wardens were set upon in a frenzy by deranged Timothy and were shoved unceremoneously into an empty broomcupboard.
Anyway the upshot of the story and the "good news" is that Timothy was captured later that evening by a special constable who shot Timothy with a 40,000 volt stun-gun after being warned on the police radio that Timothy was a dangerous psycopath who would stop at nothing to escape so
Jamelia (the special c)took their advice and nicked him after he was stunned into submission.
Many thanks again for kind help.
Sincerely
Dr Barry Ronaldson
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Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 9/05/06 9:27pm
Dr. Ronaldson,
I can only advise you to keep Mr. Davenport, strapped to a handcart and manacled at all times, as you have plainly discovered he is a very, very sick individual. I will send Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije over right away to collect him, Zvonimir says he has a dose of something from the "old country" that will make him as docile as a mouse. Pankracije is welding some steel plate to the lorry to prevent escape and Vladimer is rigging the special gas should Zvonimir’s plan fail.
If Mr. Davenport does try to escape again, feel free to use deadly force. Our deal still stands as we only wish what is best for Tim, and the steamer trunk full of pound notes will be your to keep no matter what.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Dr Barry Ronaldson Head of Care Fulchester Unit, Preston, 9/05/06 9:46pm
Dear Roger
I will order my staff to immediately untie Davenport from the asylum`s inner electric fence and get them to chain, manacle and weld him (if necessary) to a handcart. I think we have a suitable one, it was donated by Lady Daphne De Ponsonby-Smithers some years ago along with some paintings and
a victorian inlaid silver snuffbox, delightful little thing. Please send Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije over as soon as possible to collect Davenport as I fear he may be becoming suicidal. Please also tell Zvonimir not to forget the "old country" dose.
I`m very pleased to hear that our deal still stands and trust that the steamer trunk full of pund notes will be delivered to one of my country residences again ASAP.
Sincerely
Dr Barry Ronaldson Phd, Bsc, Cantab, With Honours.
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Re: Grand Opening cancellation -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 9/05/06 11:17pm
My dear, Dr Barry Ronaldson Phd, Bsc, Cantab, With Honours,
How glad I am to hear your staff has welding equipment, as soon as your staff and Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije wheel Mr. Davenport into the lorry if it would not be too much of a bother could you weld the doors shut. You might want to show Zvonimir the snuffbox as he is quite keen on snuffboxes and has a large collection himself. Just give the address where you would like the steamer trunk full of pound notes delivered an as long as things are welded up tight I am sure making delivery to your estate will not be a problem.
Do you have a supply of ether? It may be advisable to soak a mattress in ether so Tim has a good rest during transport.
It’s been a pleasure and I trust you will keep this whole business to yourself.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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