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Date Posted: 22:36:37 10/18/04 Mon
Author: Former Member
Subject: freedom to chose --NOT
In reply to: Nick T. 's message, "Questions for Hannah abaout marriage at ubf" on 10:33:08 10/14/04 Thu

Nick,

Excellent questions! Here's my experience which was sometime after you started to drop out but before Lee died. Many times the shepherds would arrange marriages among themselves. Later ask Lee for the "Blessing" of the union. If Lee liked the set up it was a go, and Lee would want the wedding within a week. Shepherds looked for criteria Lee would like... That is Marry Americans with other Americans. Some fellowship leaders in order to prevent the loss of a girl in their fellowship would try to arrange within fellowship relationships whenever possible. The Shepherds in Chicago sometimes played the game to their advantage. They wouldn't mention they asked a couple to begin meeting for "Daily bread" prayer meetings where they could get to know each other. Please be advised they only did this with certain American shepherds who were relcuntant to marry perfect stangers. This way giving the couple a small opportunity to get to know each other and even feel comfortable with marrying each other. Some shepherds would complain to me that it wasn't right for them to do that (allow them to get know each other because then it was marriage by faith), but they would only verbally complain. Since Lee would most favor the arrangement there was usually no problem. However if one rejected the other, Lee wouldn't hold a grudge on the American shepherd who did the rejecting. Lee was famous for his grudges. He once rebuked one American shepherdes publically because he couldn't get anyone to marry her. She was fine, but her maturity level was young. A good sign the girl should grow up before arranging her marriage-- But he kept trying to get this girl married, he tried Koreans, Americans etc... Finally someone accepted the girl. She's actually a very nice girl (not a mental patient or any other issues) but he would humilate her in public.

I also saw the allowance of long engagements allowed for second generations, which I thought was a little unfair. Unlike many American Shepherds who were perhaps a week or less (sometimes 2 weeks, in a gracious time) to marry. Some Second Generation kids were "introduced" to their possible partner a year if not more before hand. Joe didn't you have a long engagement (at least 1 year?). I say long because relatively speaking 1 year engagement was long compared to one -two weeks engagement. I can't say why they were allowed to be engaged longer than Americans but I figured they been suffering in UBF longer. By the way some Americans did have a month or so enagement, it was arranged in the summer usually and they would have to wait until October 9th. But it was not that long of an engagement.

Another bad handling of things is when one American Shepherd made a Friday night testimony that he was ready to marry by faith. Well everyone in his fellowship knew he was talking about his girlfriend who was studying in another state. He always talked about her in his testimonies finally he was corrected to stop naming her. But no one ever told him to actually break up with her. They knew the moment they did that they would cause him to leave, he loved his girlfriend/fiance. Well the fellowship leader he had went and had the boy go up and share that testimony where he mentions he is going to marry by faith (meaning that he would marry his girlfriend, believing she's the one God provided) and Lee begins to set up his marriage with a girl in his fellowship. He freaks out and runs away. Lee couldn't figure out what he did wrong, he thought he was just helping the boy. But the fellowship leader never mentioned to Lee he was engaged already.

Many shepherds will do things to help their students/sheep/kids marry by faith, they'll bend over backwards without actually breaking the rules just so that the person will marry within UBF confines. Then they get a credit for establishing a house church. Now that Lee's gone, I think many can begin to start taking things in control. If they won't allow you at least a one year or two year engagement, get out you don't want to mess around with the scared thing of marriage.

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