Re: Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT -- Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

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Date Posted: 20:23:44 05/18/16 Wed
Author: Patti (no one wants to be gay)
Subject: Re: Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT
In reply to: Casseopia 's message, "Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT" on 16:37:11 05/18/16 Wed

Welcome back.
You asked great questions, as always.

The issue of sexual abuse is not rare in the case of gay men. My former husband said he was abused as a youngster. We discussed this with our individual therapists and our couples' therapist at the time of disclosure.

If it matters, their combined clinical experience totaled more than 120 years in psychiatry; in NYC and SFO. They were unanimous in their opinions, based upon research and practice: abuse does not make a person gay.

What abuse can do is a person who is struggling with orientation, is skew the view of "normal" sexual intimacy. The goal, for someone who is filled with hatred for being gay, is to do whatever it takes to "be normal". For most of our spouses, that meant hiding who they really were and playing the role of a str8 male, based upon their observations and the images of str8-ness portrayed by society and media. All the while, hoping that the pretending would at some point become reality and the past would disappear. Alas, that isn't the way things work.

Being gay has little to do with sexual abuse.

If molestation was a part of the same-sex equation, one in four adult women would be lesbians, because one in four women has experienced some level of sexual abuse. I am one of those women. I have always known I loved men.

The idea that your husband is willing to invest so much time in his own healing takes great courage. It also took great courage for him to admit what he has to you.
I believe "muddied the waters" is a brilliant analogy.

The fact remains, he is gay.
He has always been gay.
You can respect him and support him and encourage him to believe that his being gay is not a character flaw or a failure on his part.

However, please protect yourself, as well. You cannot be his therapist, when this one (these) go away. He is still gay.

Self-medication is very common for many of our spouses. It's the simplest (and most dangerous) way to try to "fix" what is perceived to be broken.

I'm not going to tell you to "run away". I would advise that you very carefully and methodically come up with your own plan for your new life. Be proactive rather than reactive in your current life and your future.

He will be gay when he gets out of rehab.

He CHOSE to cheat on you for years.
He CHOSE to risk your life as a result of that behavior, for years.

His orientation is not a choice.
His behavior is.
Trust is earned. Betrayal at this level requires a great deal of healing for a str8 spouse.

Please protect yourself.
It sounds as though you are taking some very strong steps in that direction. Boundaries are critical.

I would suggest, if possible, that you make your plans very clear to him and to his therapist, while he is still in rehab.

As for the "re-enactment" explanation; it's still an excuse. Not all gay men who were abused choose to cheat for years. Mine didn't. He never cheated. The jaded part of me feels as though this is psychobabble on some level to attempt to soften the blow, lessen the consequences, justify that which is indefensible. I'd love to know just where is YOUR advocate or WHO is your advocate in the mind of this therapist.

I'm so glad you posted your thoughts.
Please let us know how things are going.

Patti in CA

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Replies:

Re: Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT -- Casseopia, 10:04:54 05/19/16 Thu