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Date Posted: 09:56:37 05/23/16 Mon
Author: Z Walker
Subject: Re: Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT
In reply to: Casseopia 's message, "Re: Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT" on 06:02:50 05/23/16 Mon

To answer your question as to the wondering if I did the right thing in staying with my husband, well, even though things have improved tremendously, when trust has been broken (no matter why) trust has been broken.

His falling apart and hitting rock bottom and the secondary victimization imposed was no picnic. I was traumatized by his acting out, by his anger, by him. No matter how you spin it, regardless of living better now, even still there are triggers...and then there's the grass, the grass that always looks greener on the other side of the fence.

There is never any taking back what has been done. What was, is. Can I accept the fact that even though everything seemingly has been righted, will I ever be certain it really has?

Although H and I live more honestly now, (an open book), and communicate better than we ever did, back when I learned my H was answering personal ads for hookups on Craigslist, well, have you ever felt the air escape your lungs and you felt like screaming out in pain and couldn't? Knowing that the person I trusted more than anyone had the capacity to throw us all away, to throw me away...regardless of why, well even by moving heaven and earth to make things better, how can that moment of "to heck with you and our marriage" ever be forgotten?

My therapist said years ago that we should never trust anyone at 100%. How can I love without knowing the other person has my back without a doubt.

Trust is not a given, it must be earned. It just feels as if ever since this mess our marriage is not set at full capacity and you know what? I want a love set at full capacity.

Basically, welcome to the "darned if you do, darned if you don't" zombie walker life.

p.s. A huge mistake I made from the very beginning was allowing his child sexual abuse to cloud my vision. I was, I am, equally as important. If a person spends all of their time patching up holes in a boat that is sinking, they never seem to realize shore is just a short swim away. Of course hindsight is always 20/20.

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