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Date Posted: 22:51:27 05/28/16 Sat
Author: Lake Breeze (You'll Get Through It!)
Subject: Re: Just need a little reassurance
In reply to: Sue 's message, "Just need a little reassurance" on 20:27:24 05/28/16 Sat

Sue, I

Lost my house - He left, so I could have tried to keep it, but there was no way I could afford it, plus I didn't want the memories and the expense of upkeep for space I didn't need.

Experienced Financial Devastation - While my kids were 18 and 20, I had still only worked part time for years. I had to do a whole turn around to get to a place where I could look for and perform full time work. Also, our kids were in college, and it pulled the rug out from under them. My husband just stopped paying the bills or depositing his check, and he told a lot of people (including our children) that I "refused to work". What money we did have (not a lot) was tied up in the house.

I did find a job after a long time off, but it was not easy - I continued to do the part time work I was doing, and also did a "re-tread" at a community college to update and improve my computer skills. At one point, I was working 3 part time jobs and not quite getting by. I met a lot of other women there going through divorces, and they were very helpful in terms of understanding, just being able to unload, but also as resources for what kinds of jobs are around, what is required for them, who's hiring, etc. Also, some of the schools have groups for "women in transition" and they can be part of your toolbox for moving forward.

I did not have to find child care - I was however, very concerned about my kids and their welfare and how much this shook up their lives as well as mine. I still wanted them to know they had a home and that I would always be available to them. Even as old as they were, it was devastating to me to think that I would not be able to be immediately available for them, since I had to devote most of my time to my own immediate needs.

I did not rent a home, but that one bedroom apartment you are dreading. Twelve years later, I am still in that apartment (in a city with soaring rental rates), and since my kids aren't with me, it's not really all that bad. I had no job and no money when I moved in, but fortunately for me, it was during a mini recession in 2003 (before the big one in 2008) and they did cut some corners to let me move in, as they were doing free rent specials, and other promotions at the time. I got a real break there.

I lost my car because it got totalled when I was hit from behind, not long after moving to my apartment. It was necessary for work, and it really put a dent in my ability to do my part time work and look for full time. My lawyer cut a deal with me, that he would take money from our house after it sold, and told me that I should just use the money I was going to pay him with at that time, to get into the apartment, get a car, etc. I had to buy a completely new car (2 year old used, inexpensive "economy car"). I still have that car too, and it has served me more than well!

It is not a smooth ride by any means. I spent hours and days crying, having panic attacks, and at one point, I even considered living in my car (!) and/or asking my parents if I could move back in with them (they had some other problems going on at the time and did not need to add me and my troubles to it all).

Slowly and gradually, things came together. They are still not perfect, but they are working and "do-able". It is one of those two steps forward, one step back sort of things. The old cliche of one step and one day at a time, etc. It really is just like that. At some point, you will realize that you are over the worst of it, and that things are relatively OK. You will be able to look back and see that you have made progress and come a long way. It won't be easy at all, but it will happen. Buckle your seat belt and look for the family members and friends that you can really count on. Even if all they can lend is an ear, and some sympathy, that is a HUGE help.

Also, I had checked a lot of books out of the library about divorce, and they turned out to be much more help than I ever expected. Not the ones by therapists who tell you to just move on and stop trying to figure out why your marriage ended and blah, blah, blah, but the ones written by other women who had gone through divorces.

You will make it, and it will get better!

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