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Date Posted: 16:00:30 06/10/06 Sat
Author: Liz
Author Host/IP: cpe-24-175-42-10.houston.res.rr.com / 24.175.42.10
Subject: Conflicted and upset

I hate feeling this way. My bf (stupid word for someone our age) has been away on business for the past week. In fact, he left last Sunday and missed my cousin's wedding. He lands today at 6 p.m. which is about 1 a.m. in the time zone he is coming from.

Last night (this morning for him) while I was asleep he sent me a note saying he has to go to work tomorrow and he has two softball games tomorrow night. The kicker is he wants me to come over tonight. That's a 50 miles round trip drive.

I got the note this morning when I woke up and by then he was already on the plane, so I couldn't respond in any way.

I'm not planning to go to his house tonight. It would make me feel like a hooker. His car is at my house so we will have to come here first. There are 2 reasons he wants me to come to his house, one is he has been gone for 10 days and wants to go home, the other is his daughter is away for the weekend.

At this point in our relationship it would just make me feel like a hooker to go to his house tonight and then drive home later. Even if I could stay, why would I do it if he is getting up in the morning to go to work.

It's probably good that I had 10 hours to think about how I am going to handle this before I pick him up. I see two options. He can stay at my house for a while tonight (in which case I guarantee he will just fall asleep on the sofa) or he can go home and get some work done so he can free some time for me tomorrow.

I can't help feeling this is all about his choices. He could have worked some evenings while he was on the trip but instead he went out to eat every night with the boys (his colleagues on the trip). I'm sure they had long dinners, with cocktails, wine, dessert, after dinner drinks. I know you have to be one of the guys and I know it is easy to procrastinate on the work, knowing you have Sunday to catch up, but I am the one paying the price.

It's a no-win situation. If I pouted and he gave in and took the day off he would not be in a good mood and it would not be fun. We don't have any specific plans but there are lots of things we could do on a hot Sunday, a movie or a museum or house hunting or planning our next vacation or just a ballgame on TV.

What do normal people do on ordinary Sundays?

He has worked 90% of the Sundays since I have known him. But usually I see him on Friday and Saturday and sometimes during the week.

I love him. I have screwed up plenty of past relationships. I don't know any perfect people. I hate being in the needy position where I am angry that he doesn't want to spend more time with me or claims he wants to but is unable to arrange his other commitments to do it. Or unwilling. I feel like a lower priority than almost everything else, work certainly and sports. I know it is because he trusts that I will be there for him when he does have time (takes me for granted).

As a low-self-esteemiac depressed person it is so easy to believe that I don'tdeserve more than this. I am lucky to have a physically attractive, successful, funny, smart boyfriend who even does random acts of kindness to me sometimes. There is a lot I could complain about and there is a lot I could be grateful for. But today, all I can feel is disappointed and upset that he could be gone for a week and not clear even half of tomorrow to spend with me.

Just needed to vent. Insight is always welcome. I know in the greater scheme of things my problems are small. I just hoped that finally being in a good relationship would mean I was lonely a lot less than I used to be. Or maybe I have just forgotten how lonely I used to be.

Blah blah.

Liz

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